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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To tell DP to say no to MIL

252 replies

Tulpenblue · 15/07/2018 23:50

My DPs father died some years ago and his sister live with his mother about 20miles away from us. Recently his mother's nephew got in touch, he's her brothers son from a relationship no one knew anything about and her brother died a few years ago. The family have obviously never met him before, he is around 19. He wants to meet the family so my MIL has invited him to her home. This evening she spoke to my DP and asked if he would say with them the night that her nephew is visiting as she and DPs sister don't feel comfortable being alone with a strange man the house. DP said he would speak to me. My issue is that if he stays with them he is leaving me and our 11 month old baby o; our own! We live in a quiet rural area, I don't like being alone here. DP says it's just to reassure his mother and sister but now I have to arrange to stay somewhere else or ask someone else to come stay with me for the night! AIBU to tell DP to say no to is mother and that she should put the nephew up in the local hotel. TBH If the nephew turns out to be a weirdo I don't really like the idea of DP having to deal with the situation either!

OP posts:
Gettingbackonmyfeet · 16/07/2018 06:51

It's unusual for me to side with the Mother in law to be honest but on this one you are being really precious

Pull your socks up and get on with it it's a reasonable ask from your mil

wellBeehivedWoman · 16/07/2018 06:55

YABU. It's one night where your MIL's need is clearly much greater than yours. Can't you understand why she would want to offer hospitality to a newly discovered relation but also make sure she has support from your DP to help her?

You on the other hand have no good reason for wanting your DP to stay with you except that you don't like being home alone. Sorry, but that's not a good enough justification. Your baby is hardly a newborn, and as you are old enough to have got married and have a home, you're more than old enough to spend a night alone.

And if you truly can't - then you should be the one to inconvenience yourself. Get yourself a hotel, stay with family, go with your DP. You have lots of options that don't involve your MIL and DP being inconvenienced to suit you.

CantankerousCamel · 16/07/2018 06:56

Op you will find a new sense of self staying alone in the house. You’ll suddenly realise you’re the protector/sorter/badass and it’s really liberating

Mama2017 · 16/07/2018 06:57

Why are people going on at OP about not feeling safe home alone and anxiety when it's the MIL who has invited someone she technically doesn't know to stay with her and DD and now is feeling unsafe and wants her DS there as well 'just in case'. You are literally screwing at the OP for what the MIL is doing herself! Get a grip. I think it's reasonable he stay in a hotel if he is a completely new person they don't know and MIL herself has reservations. I think your partner will have his own thoughts on him once they meet but as that's on the night he won't know until then.
But what's done is done. It wouldn't be a deal breaker if he did stay but I would be miffed about the last month you've had and if it carried on. Would definitely be telling DP to speak to his sis that she needs help MIL to get these things sorted (ie kennels) in advance as she lives there.
Hope all works out x

HettySunshine · 16/07/2018 06:57

Yabu, but surely you know that?! Come on op woman up and stop being such a wet lettuce.

DinoSn0re · 16/07/2018 06:59

YABU. Since my DC were tiny I have often told my husband to stay overnight with a friend who lives close to his work, if he has to work late for meetings/ceremonies etc. I would rather he stays there than drives back home really tired, when he would be a danger to himself and other road users. Nothing bad has ever happened - in fact, I enjoy having the house to myself! You’ll be fine OP.

Icequeen01 · 16/07/2018 07:04

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Oysterbabe · 16/07/2018 07:05

Yabu. Being home alone is the best.
Get the kid to bed, cook something you really fancy for dinner, stick on a film that you love and he hates and just enjoy the peace.

IHATEPeppaPig · 16/07/2018 07:05

OP in the nicest possible way, YABU. Imagine your child was grown up and you asked them to stay because you were worried, would you not hope that they would?

It sounds like an accumulation of things rather than you being scared to stay in your home alone. Perhaps discuss this with your DP and how to set boundaries with his family. Having said that, none of your updates sound too unreasonable (other than the pub instances on holiday - and I would entirely blame your DP).

wellBeehivedWoman · 16/07/2018 07:12

You are literally screwing at the OP for what the MIL is doing herself

Except it's not the same at all, is it? Because MIL is saying 'I've invited this nephew to stay and while I'm sure it will be fine I would like my DS there to give me reassurance and support during a meeting which is likely to be emotional and quite stressful, and I want some reassurance'. Whereas OP is saying 'I don't have a reason, I just don't like spending the night on my own'.

The former is a valid precaution to take. I doubt MIL is truly concerned that the nephew is going to cause problems but she's taking reasonable steps to be safe about it. It's in line with the kind of advice she would be given by people asked about this situation.

The latter is OP throwing her toys out of the cot because she wants to get her way even though she doesn't have a good reason.

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 16/07/2018 07:14

TBH it doesn't sound like his family are particularly demanding of his time. It just sounds like a normal family who do things for each other. You, however sound disproportionately resentful of anything he does with his family

sparkleandsunshine · 16/07/2018 07:17

His family dynamics are obviously not what you’re used to, but you married him, so unless you want to cause some serious upset and ruin his family relationships I think you’re going to have to suck it up! He does favours for his family, be happy that he cares enough.

Unfortunately when you have children they are your responsibility, so no one should have to offer to look after the baby while you go to the pub. You chose to have a baby, You look after it. The only exception to that is your husband. Who should have had the common decency to alternate with you and let you go while he stayed with the baby. You could have told him that after the first night he went out, and hopefully the situation would have been sorted.

I’m sorry you feel worried enough in your own home to not want to stay there alone, perhaps you should look into moving. And if he went to look after the dogs for a weekend and left you alone I don’t see what the difference is him going for one night.

Why should MIL pay to put cousin in a hotel when she has family who all help to support and look after her? When she knows she can call on her son for a favour as he is reliable? She probably knows that she spent years of her life raising a considerate son who will help her out when she’s older.

I’m sorry but this post does make you sound quite selfish, maybe have a little breather, re-read and try and see it from everyone else’s point of view. I would be pretty proud if my child grew up to be someone family could rely on. It’s up to your husband to decide if its all too much and taking the piss, if he doesn’t think that then you’re probably going to have to suck it up or risk alienating yourself from the family.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 16/07/2018 07:17

The concern is, you and your child are his family now

Our children stop being family when they marry?

Fatted · 16/07/2018 07:19

YABU.

But then his MIL is being an absolute fool if she is actually letting this male stay in her house. This has scam written all over it.

thelonggame · 16/07/2018 07:20

sorry, but yes YABVU.
It's one night, and as pp have said you need to pick your battles.
I'd have been really miffed on holiday, but that does sound like your DH being thoughtless. This is one night for peace of mind of your MIL and SIL, try to enjoy the time watching what you want on the tv Smile

StepBackNow · 16/07/2018 07:23

YABVU. You need to grow up a bit, OP.

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 16/07/2018 07:25

fatted no it doesn't

thecatsarecrazy · 16/07/2018 07:25

You honestly need to grow up if you can't look after an 11 month old overnight by yourself.

FatBarry · 16/07/2018 07:25

YABU

How would you coke with a DP who works away? Or perish the thought, was in the forces? It's one night and he's getting to know a new member of the family whilst making sure his mum and sister are comfortable staying with the new family member.

I think him staying there is perfectly reasonable.

Are you pissed off with him because he spent the week in the pub on holiday? If so, that's fair but a different issue here.

FuckPants · 16/07/2018 07:27

YABU.

Get a fucking grip before you DP gets tired of your bullshit.

Shoxfordian · 16/07/2018 07:28

You sound quite needy op. I do think yabu about this one night but the holiday didn't sound fun when they all went off to the pub without you every night. I think you could do with standing up for yourself a bit.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 16/07/2018 07:33

As the mother of an 18 year old son you are the sort of DIL I live in fear that my son will marry. You sound suffocating

This ^^

YABVU, you are a grown woman and should be capable of spending a night alone. What would you do if he left for good ?

I don't subscribe to having a partner or your own children means that your own parents and family are no longer important. She will always be his mum, you may not always be his GF.

PuddinginPerth · 16/07/2018 07:34

@SpareASquare

I was being completely serious.

Did you even bother reading the additional posts from the OP.

This behaviour in one month spells doom for her marriage & there is very little she can do without being labelled controlling.

She needs to change the dynamics. Her MIL’s behaviour is impacting on her life. It will continue to impact.

She can either take action now or get divorced with an infant.

Her marriage is already at crisis point.

Gottokondo · 16/07/2018 07:35

Part of growing up is learning to be on your own, you are loooong overdue on this lesson.

chillpizza · 16/07/2018 07:36

Maybe you should move further away some point in the future op. Somewhere you feel safer being alone. We have a family member who won’t be alone overnight it is pretty tiring for the rest of us and comes across a bit princessy but we deal with it. It seems like you have an issue with how much time gets spent with mil and how your dh acts when his around them/when they shout for him. That’s not a conversation for right now but is something you need to talk about in the future.

Your mil stupidly invited a unknown male into her home and is now scared about what he may or may not do. That’s not unreasonable the being scared part she was unreasonable and stupid to invite a strange man into her house in the first place though.

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