To think hitting a child is never ok?

[Blueisland]

My husband hit my three year old daughter in the arm today. Not that hard, no bruise but a temporary res mark. She had spat on his leg and he reacted angrily by hitying het and telling her off.

What followed was an argument between us because he thinks it was all fine, and said he’d do it again if he thought it appropriate. He classed this as spanking. He has never done this before and otherwise we’re usually on the same page with discipline.

IMO hitting is different to spanking and a child should never be hit in anger, even light hitting.

He reacted pretty horribly towards me when I told him how I feel, called me disgusting and started comparing me to my father (who can’t take personal criticism). After around 30 minutes he apologised for overreacting (but not for the hitting). I’m keeping quiet now and processing this. To put ghis in context, he is a loving doting father and most of the time he is a wonderful husband.

Mumsnetters AIBU to think hitting in anger is wrong, or is this normal in some families?

Typhers - why do you feel it is right for you to slap and intentionally hurt a smaller person - one who can’t defend themselves?

The fact that you think it's all right to hit children is proof that you haven't turned out okay

This is always my feeling when people proudly proclaim that it 'never did them any harm' - yes it did, it normalised hitting children for them.

Carry on with your little echo chamber guys, as with most bigotry arguing seems pointless as you’re unable to accept that others hold an alternate view. Please show me the scientific evidence that smacking (not beating) has a ‘direct’ link to negative effects and holds NO positive effects. Please note the word direct, and good luck.

Bigotry 😂😂😂

"Would you hit an adult?"

If they spit on me oh yeah, I definitely would, and it would be more than a slap on the arm.

I wouldn't hit a 3-year-old, because as many posters have said, they aren't able to identify the nature of their acts. However, any child older than, let's say, 7, who spat at me would get a swift unpleasant response from me, unless their parent disciplined them first.

I just don't get why anyone would want to hit a child, where does that urge come from?

It's abuse of power and it's not normal or right

How was this hit different to a spank?

Quite frankly, I was spanked as a child, and ive been hit many times as an adult. The difference to me is : a spank is a open handed 'smack' for lack of a better word used to give a short sharp shock. No bruises as a result, but a lesson learned.

A hit on the other hand is a closed fist or a really hard 'smack' designed to hurt, intimidate and humiliate.

What you have described is a spank.

Quite frankly being spanked never did me any harm, and in your husbands shoes I would have spanked her too.

Spitting is disgusting and at 3 she should already know not to do it. But as she clearly doesn't, a discussion about it being wrong won't do anything as she will have forgotten what she did wrong within a minute. Whereas she will now associate that behaviour with a light spank and it will hopefully deter her spitting in the future.

Spitting is now technically classed as assault, so it's probably best that it's nipped in the bud now.

I personally will be spanking my children when they deliberately do something naughty until they are at an age where they can hold a discussion 're right and wrong and understand the difference properly.

Lack of discipline is rampant now a days, sometimes children are nasty, and if they don't get immediate consequences they continue to be nasty, and they grow up into nasty teens and adults.

I'm not at all saying your child is or will be nasty like I mentioned previously. But God I know a few people that would have turned out differently if they had been disciplined properly.

In summary, get a grip, he disciplined his child how he saw fit when she spat on him. He was unpleasant to you because you undermined him infront of his child. It was a light smack. Not a black eye.

Oh FWIW I would never hit a child. That's wrong.

For those saying they were smacked and turned out fine, I too was smacked and it turned me into an angry and destructive adult. I broke things as a child, punched walls and as an adult hurt myself and attacked other people. I could not at 1, 2 or 3 tell the difference between so-called physical discpline and being beaten. I wasn't a particularly 'naughty' child either.

Parker231 "why do you feel it is right for you to slap and intentionally hurt a smaller person - one who can’t defend themselves?"

In my opinion, it teaches them not to attack someone/something bigger and stronger than themselves because they may get hurt. "If you cannot defend yourself, don't attack" is a valuable life lesson which may save them from much worse harm in the future.

I said this on the thread the other day, and I stand by it: all hitting kids does is create adults with anger issues.

@andinshortiwasafraid

For those saying they were smacked and turned out fine, I too was smacked and it turned me into an angry and destructive adult. I broke things as a child, punched walls and as an adult hurt myself and attacked other people. I could not at 1, 2 or 3 tell the difference between so-called physical discpline and being beaten. I wasn't a particularly 'naughty' child either

^ I'd be amazed if that was as a result of being spanked as a kid. As I said I was spanked and it did not turn me into anything. Either more was going on in your homelife back then and you were suffering from some sort of abuse - if that's the case I'm so sorry -. OR you're using a fairly common method of discipline growing up for anyone 27 and over as an excuse for poor behaviour.

If spanking is totally unacceptable how would any of you saying it's wrong deal with the following.

My god daughter was 2 when she poked my cat in the eye. I told her that it wasn't kind and that kitty was hurt and that we must be gentle and not to do it again. She laughed, looked me in the face and did it again. Hard. So I spanked her. She has never done anything like that again.

andinshort I really feel for you. It has been the case for my brother, too. I have been fortunate enough to learn how to contain my anger, but feel a deep sense of rage whenever I see or hear of violence committed against children.

Typhers

My mind immediately goes to big shot business men in nappies, asking to be ‘spanked’ for being ‘naughty boys’ by large women.

No real interest in debating this non-event. But honestly, stop using the word ‘Spank’ it’s a fucking sex word and in all this talk about children, ewwww

it's best to come up with other discipline strategies BUT sometimes something happens that means your unprepared and a reflex type smack happens. i've been headbutted on the bridge of the nose while carrying a toddler that resulted in a smack to the thigh, bit on the back of the arm to the extent of drawing blood, and a couple other horrible moments. one of mine ran away from me and was heading right into an oncoming bus. i grabbed him by his overalls (criss cross straps at the back) just in the nick of time (his feet actually touched the bus), i was sooo scared and angry he got a few smacks on the behind for doing this. again not planned not recommended but sometimes primitive instincts take over.

No, it's never ok to hit a child.

I don't like violence at all. Especially not against people who can't defend themselves.

"I personally will be spanking my children when they deliberately do something naughty until they are at an age where they can hold a discussion 're right and wrong and understand the difference properly."

So if they never reach that stage like some children never will, will you still be hitting them when they are an older child, teenager and adult?
And would you think it is ok for others who look after your older child or adult child, to hit them?

I agree with Tinkofhousepan there are occasions when smacking is appropriate and is what the child needs to listen. There isn’t always time for the lengthy explanation as to why a certain behaviour is wrong first.

For all those crying “assault” we aren’t dealing with well rounded, straight forward thinking adults. The whole point is small children are by nature unreasonable and irrational and require discipline to learn to become well adjusted adults.

Do we hit people for who lengthy explanations are not going to work?

Tink as you’ve asked, if that was my 2 year old there would have been a loud “NO!” followed by the removal of the child from the cat.

If you are not a shouty person, usually a shout scares the bejeezus out of small children. No need to hit.

Then, when the child has calmed down (as usually shocked at the shout) state the rules about touching the cat. A 2 year old can’t do long explanations.

No hitting doesn’t mean no boundaries/consequences.

My god daughter was 2 when she poked my cat in the eye. I told her that it wasn't kind and that kitty was hurt and that we must be gentle and not to do it again. She laughed, looked me in the face and did it again. Hard. So I spanked her. She has never done anything like that again.

Take her away from the cat. Take away a toy. Make her have a time out. Call her parents to come and take her home.

Yeah, lots of options instead of hit her. But good to know she is now scared enough of you that you feel in control.

I'd be interested to know whether you sought her parents' permission to hit her or if you just assumed you have that right when looking after her? And if they were told what you did?

I use various discipline techniques on my DS7. Time out when he was younger, removal of toys/tv time etc now he’s older. I rarely have to discipline him though. I have never laid a hand on him and neither has my husband. How can I teach my child that hitting is wrong if I allowed someone to hit him ? As for the cat story, I used to remove my son from the cat if he wasn’t being gentle, this was only when he was tiny, he never hurt him on purpose once he became a little older.

Honestly the thought of physically hurting my son in anger makes me feel physically sick and trust me I am most definitely not a pearl clutching person !

My god daughter was 2 when she poked my cat in the eye. I told her that it wasn't kind and that kitty was hurt and that we must be gentle and not to do it again. She laughed, looked me in the face and did it again. Hard. So I spanked her. She has never done anything like that again

Like others have said I would say a loud “No!” and remove the child from the cat.

The thing I always think when people talk about hitting children and if it's ever acceptable is this : In what other circumstances in life is it acceptable to hit someone ? (Apart from in self defense that is). We can't go to work and slap a colleague who is being a pain - we would be sacked and probably prosecuted - if we hit our partners that's domestic violence and against the law. And so on and so forth. So are we going to say that the sole time it's acceptable to hit anyone is if you are a parent and the one being hit is your own child. We teach children it's not ok to hit each other. I think hitting children is something we are growing out of as a society but still have a long way to go. I think it will be looked back on in horror that it ever went on to be honest.