To think hitting a child is never ok?

[Blueisland]

My husband hit my three year old daughter in the arm today. Not that hard, no bruise but a temporary res mark. She had spat on his leg and he reacted angrily by hitying het and telling her off.

What followed was an argument between us because he thinks it was all fine, and said he’d do it again if he thought it appropriate. He classed this as spanking. He has never done this before and otherwise we’re usually on the same page with discipline.

IMO hitting is different to spanking and a child should never be hit in anger, even light hitting.

He reacted pretty horribly towards me when I told him how I feel, called me disgusting and started comparing me to my father (who can’t take personal criticism). After around 30 minutes he apologised for overreacting (but not for the hitting). I’m keeping quiet now and processing this. To put ghis in context, he is a loving doting father and most of the time he is a wonderful husband.

Mumsnetters AIBU to think hitting in anger is wrong, or is this normal in some families?

Parker321 - You seem a little misinformed as it is not assault under English law, the law is quite clear on this matter.

Maybe Parker forgot that England was the whole world...oh no that's right, it's not.

You need to be on the same page and to find a way forward. If he's prepared to use smacks as a punishment, even if it's only in extreme situations/rarely/whatever yet it's unacceptable to you that's something you HAVE to work out. It's really not something which can be brushed under the carpet. It's not about what's wrong or right or legal or not, it's about you as parents being able to trust each other not to do things which surpass the other's boundaries.

Perhaps after he is feeling calmer and less defensive it will be easier to discuss but I'd be feeling seriously let down, hurt and betrayed if I found out my husband was happy/determined to continue something that I felt so strongly about - it just shows a lack of respect for your opinion that he's not willing to work out an alternative.

If it's important to him that such behaviour is punished - fine. But find something you're both okay with.

Op could call police and social services right now and apart from bringing drama to her door, nothing else would happen

I work with children who are on Child Protection plans because their parents think it is acceptable to discipline them by hitting them. The idea that social services don't care about people hitting their children is nonsense.

I also agree with pp that using the words "smacking" or "spanking" is just a way of avoiding taking responsibility and justifying the unjustifiable. I actually sat in a Child Protection conference recently and heard a social services Team Manager say to a parent "you can call it 'smacking' if you like but whether we call it smacking or hitting it's still physical abuse and it's still unacceptable".

Kaytee87 what an intelligent response! No your right but this is primarily a UK forum created by people from the UK. And guesse where the majority of mumsnet users come from? You guessed it.... the UK, here’s some easy reading facts.

The UK covers a number of countries which are England, Scotland,Wales and Northern Ireland.

The population of England accounts for about 85% of the UK’s population.

With this in mind statistically we would be correct more times than wrong to think we are discussing English Law, you’re welcome.

Typhers and Kaytee87 - I couldn’t care less what the law says (and I’m not English/British) - hitting, slapping, smacking is morally unacceptable and 100% wrong - even more so when a child is involved. There is no excuse or justification.

I tap/slap my three year old's hand or arm as her behaviour is off the scale (possible adhd) and I only do it to shock her into stopping what she's doing. It is never ever hard.

Not hard, but enough to shock her out of off the scale behaviour?

I smacked my children when they were younger. I justified it to myself with all the tired cliched lines I’m seeing in this thread. It’s all bollocks. It was abusive. An abuse of my power over a smaller being. I’ve told SS about it as we have involvement for other reasons. We had to do a full family history and I included the “smacking” as part of full disclosure. It was definitely not dismissed as discipline. Not at all. I’m ashamed I did it. I’m ashamed I chose to be that sort of person. We live and learn. Hopefully some of those reading this and justifying it will learn there are actual proper ways to discipline your children.

What about slapping in the bedroom, is that ok? 🤔

There's too many grey areas around smacking as the law stands. I believe it's about to be banned in Scotland and Wales and it's already banned in 52 other countries. England will eventually follow suit no doubt so you DH best find other ways to express his anger. He's teaching your DD it's ok for angry men to hit girls. Next time your angry OP give him a whack and see how he feels about it then. There is no excuse for hitting a 3 year old and if he was my DH he'd be out on his arse.

Talking of grey areas it would appear your DH could well be in trouble should you care to take it further

Unreasonable punishment is classed as a smack that leaves a mark on the child. From this website www.lawandparents.co.uk/smacking-children.html

What about slapping in the bedroom, is that ok? 🤔

Between consenting adults? Is that what you’re comparing to smacking children? Just so we’re clear.

LM83 I wasn’t watching her when she did it, I just saw the reaction. He was laying on the sofa and she was climbing on him and then (I think) spat on his leg. Probably not just a raspberry.

I completely agree, the word spankng is just a jumped up way of someone trying to justify violence against another person, especially a smaller vulnerable person., and that is never acceptable.

And those that trot out the excuse, I smack and I was smacked and I turned out ok, well clearly not, because you think it's acceptable to use violence against someone else.

And make no mistake, dress it all up all you fucking want, but smacking, spanking or whatever you want to call it to justify your actions, it IS violence

One of my employees had a row with the other today, if one hit/slapped the other I'd be calling the police. So why is it ok to slap a child? Should I have slapped both of them as disciple? I'm "higher" than them and in authority, so it's fine yeah? Discipline?

No. It's not. It is not ok to hit/slap someone, especially a child in any way. Even as a way of teaching. I'm sure you all would get pissed off about your boss slapping your bottom when you make a mistake.

If my 3 year old had spat at me they would have got a smack, and a few sharp words.
It wasn't even hard if there was no mark.

@Parker231 I agree with you

There was a red mark, which faded. No bruise.

He calls you snidey names like Little Miss Perfect too?

I don’t agree with smacking AT ALL. But I wouldn’t LTB over it. We all have shit parenting moments. What I would consider to be potentially marriage ending is the refusal to accept he’s fucked up, his name calling and belittling of you when you call him on it. He should be apologising to your daughter and discussing with you how to deal with incidents like this in the future. Instead he’s choosing (and it IS a choice) to be a massive fucking cunt about it.

Most slaps don't leave a mark. Ludicrous how people use this as an excuse for abusing their children. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. Doesn't degrade and terrify. My ex used to slap me for not having dinner made, only once did he leave a mark through slapping.

What about slapping in the bedroom, is that ok?

If you genuinely can't make the distinction between two consenting adults deciding to incorporate slapping into sex and an adult hitting a defenceless child then there's something seriously wrong with you.

I would not necessarily had a problem with the instinctive smacking something away - DS accidentally kicked me in the boobs one day changing his nappy when I was still breastfeeding DD1so was more sensitive than usual. I instinctively smacked his legs away. I don't beat myself up over that as it was a reflex reaction. If that was a similar situation with your DH then I would probably chalk it up to experience.

However, his response to you and him becoming defensive and rude wouldn't have gone down well. That is where my issue lies with the whole scenario - he didn't see it as an aberration but as an acceptable future response. And that's when I wouldn't be on the same page and further discussion would be crucial for me.

Typhers can you really not figure out the difference?

Spitting is wrong and she should of been punished but not by hitting her. My dh and dd play fight all the time. But if he ever hit her out of anger or even if I did there would be BIG repracusions in our relationship. It is totally wrong' there so small how can anyone hit a child.

Not a problem to me. everyone I know hits their kids! my friend was telling me about hitting her kid with a shoe literally today.

Not a problem to me. everyone I know hits their kids! my friend was telling me about hitting her kid with a shoe literally today

How awful. Only shit parents hit their kids.

Sorry sarcasm gets lost a little using text. But I’m afraid I still maintain I feel a slap to the hand/bottom is acceptable and completely legal depending on the circumstance. But each to their own.

I got smacked as a child and it’s never done me any harm.

The fact that you think it's all right to hit children is proof that you haven't turned out okay