To think hitting a child is never ok?

[Blueisland]

My husband hit my three year old daughter in the arm today. Not that hard, no bruise but a temporary res mark. She had spat on his leg and he reacted angrily by hitying het and telling her off.

What followed was an argument between us because he thinks it was all fine, and said he’d do it again if he thought it appropriate. He classed this as spanking. He has never done this before and otherwise we’re usually on the same page with discipline.

IMO hitting is different to spanking and a child should never be hit in anger, even light hitting.

He reacted pretty horribly towards me when I told him how I feel, called me disgusting and started comparing me to my father (who can’t take personal criticism). After around 30 minutes he apologised for overreacting (but not for the hitting). I’m keeping quiet now and processing this. To put ghis in context, he is a loving doting father and most of the time he is a wonderful husband.

Mumsnetters AIBU to think hitting in anger is wrong, or is this normal in some families?

upsideup

Plenty we do to kids we would never do to other adults so your point is moot

i would not ground my husband if he didn’t do as I asked that would be classed as unlawful imprisioment

I wouldn’ take away my husbands phone and money if he didn’t do as I said that would be thefit and financed abuse

I wouldn’t do a lot of things that I do with my kids to my husband because their kids

'Spanking' is just a word people use to make themselves feel better about hitting their children.
If it left a mark it must have been quite hard and to leave a mark on a child is also illegal.

I would be extremely worried that he continues to justify his behaviour. How hard will he hit her next time she misbehaves? I think you need to be very clear with him that his behaviour is completely unnaceptable. And you need to protect your child from this.

Hitting a child is never ok, and doesn't work, it doesn't teach them not to hit etc, it teaches them you can hit someone if you're bigger than them or if you're in control. I speak from years of experience of working with violent offenders almost all of whom say 'i was smacked/got the slipper/belt, never did me any harm...'. ok Johnny let's talk about your series of gbh convictions and your approach to conflict resolution 🙄🙄

Ltb means leave the bastard which is a bit extreme it wasn't ok to hit your daughter under the name of 'spanking' to justify the extremity in his mind bit what's worrying from your post is that he says he will do it again, with little regard to your views on this aspect of parenting and dismissing your opinion.

So many halo’s, it’s no wonder our schools are full of such entitled little reprobates nowadays. A tap to the arm that doesn’t leave a mark is less than most kids will inevitably receive in traditional rough play with dad or siblings.... but let me guesse, rough play is evil too ? 🤔😄

@Jengnr 👏👏👏👏👏👏

I tap/slap my three year old's hand or arm as her behaviour is off the scale (possible adhd) and I only do it to shock her into stopping what she's doing. It is never ever hard.
A couple of weeks ago, a passer by saw me doing this when my daughter was having an epic meltdown re: getting in the car. I tapped her hand and she stopped long enough for me to get her in the car. They rang police who came round. Who then said "Well you're allowed to do that, there's nothing wrong with that" Obviously the passer by exaggerated their 'concern' hence a couple of Officers were sent round. When I told them what happened they left and were very friendly. No further action and no need for any referral to SS.
If done in anger though perhaps there is a deeper issue. I feel it to be quite different than doing it for a reason ie: in order to get them to stop their meltdown long enough to get them into the car! (With a child like mine at least)

@Typhers

I agree that the behaviour of children in schools is not great and is getting progressively worse. However I do not believe that it is due to less parents hitting their children. My child has never been hit, yet she is one of the best behaved I know and this is often commented on by others. She knows that some behaviour is not acceptable and this has been taught to her through a combination of talking things through, explaining why these things are not ok and immediate consequences such as having to leave an enjoyable activity due to poor behaviour or having something removed from her. I have never felt the need to hit her, and other than making her fear me i can't see what it would achieve. She behaves in a pleasant way because she understands why the less pleasant behaviours are not ok, not just because she is scared of being hit if she behaves badly.

The only time it's ok is if it prevents a dangerous situation i.e hitting a hand away to stop fork going in plug socket or hand touching something hot

I’d have done the same as your DH if my daughter had spat at me.

Spitting is disgusting.

Stormwhale - My daughter has never had a smacked bum, my son has been smacked once for biting his sister (hard enough to brake skin, and he’s 6 and she is 4 so not a toddler). I don’t regret the decision or others for choosing whatever they feel is most appropriate for their children.

My kids are impeccably behaved (mostly 😄 damn this heat!) and we can happily take them into a restaurant once in a while in the knowledge they won’t be running down the aisles. The behaviour isn’t down to smacking granted, it’s about being brought up with manners and boundaries.

Not accepting under any circumstance someone else’s view is simply bigotry.

This is not acceptable. He clearly has anger management issues if he hits a small child in retaliation and calls the mother of his child disgusting. He may need help to manage this now as these things only escalate. You don't want your daughter to go through life accepting physical violence as the norm. This will teach her nothing except to be afraid of her father.

'Spanking' is just a word people use to make themselves feel better about hitting their children.

Couldn't have put it better myself. It's never OK as far as I am concerned.

In response to pps, yes the big problem is my opinion on this is not respected. I might possibly be ok with a tap that was not in anger but hitting in anger bothers me. I don’t know how to resolve that. Husband says I am a sanctimonious ms perfect so raising the issue again will just feed into that accusation. I’m trying to work out if I am overreacting (this would be the easy way out so I could just drop it) or if the right thing is to push back more forcefully.

Parenting is a united front. Will it always be his way or the high way when you disagree on how to raise your child?

He wouldn't have crossed a line for me that I couldn't forgive.

Its perfectly possible to discipline a child and raise them to know right from wrong without ever resorting to physically hitting them or smacking them as some call it.

When an adult smacks another it's assault, quite why it's different when it's a poor defenceless child who cannot remove themselves from the household is beyond me.

You push back for the sake of your daughter or she will grow up knowing that you put yourself first and not her.

Ltb means leave the bastard which is a bit extreme

I don't think it's "extreme" at all. I could not be in a relationship with a man who thinks it's acceptable to hit small children. I would also see it as my responsibility to protect my child from being hit again and would not want her to grow up thinking that violence is something she should accept. Since OP has been clear that her DH is not remorseful in the slightest and will in all likelihood repeat his disgraceful behaviour, I'm afraid I would be off and taking the child with me.

What is with all these smacking threads recently?

Spitting is disgusting but any form of violence towards another person is assault. In my book he is the worst type of parent and not forgivable. He has lost control.

Yes. I will talk to him.

Spitting is disgusting but any form of violence towards another person is assault.

I think you need to brush up on your understanding of the law. What op dh did was not assault in the eyes of the law.

In your eyes, your opinion and an opinion shared by many maybe. But it is not factual to label something with a legal term such as assault when it is nothing of the sort.

Op could call police and social services right now and apart from bringing drama to her door, nothing else would happen.

The law may be morally wrong, but your statement, as it stands today is factually wrong.

Parker321 - You seem a little misinformed as it is not assault under English law, the law is quite clear on this matter.

*Smacking is legal and it’s very normal among those who don’t clutch pearls and not middle class

Round here if you don’t give you child a smack for spitting their would be looks*

Actually it's illegal where I'm from. 'Round here' if you hit your child you face being prosecuted.

Let's call a spade a spade here, smacking and spanking are just euphemisms for hitting.

Did she blow a raspberry and accidentally spit on him? Or deliberately (in fun i know) spit on him?

That would make a difference to how angry I would be.

Hitting on the arm and no mark is same as spanking to me, I don't agree with either but if spanking is ok to you I doubt it matters if you are angry or not so long as you don't hit any harder.