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AIBU?

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Original poster

To tell DH to stop MIL doing this?

171 replies

CantankerousCamel · 15/07/2018 10:19

It’s DS1’s birthday

My mum lives in Brisbane and provided a bit of money for a thoughtful gift and sent a moonpig card.

mil, as she does every birthday, ‘forgot’ it was his birthday and only on prompting from DH (in front of me while DS1 opened his gifts) ‘remembered’

So DH sayings ‘oh your other nana is being a bit more crap, she’ll send something next week’

I don’t want my son to feel like an after thought or like they are somehow connected.

I just want him to be able to experinence his birthday (for once) without these people showing him how little they care.

OP posts:
JohnnyKarate · 15/07/2018 10:22

Did you invite mil round for DS1s birthday? Very odd to forget if so.

Original poster
CantankerousCamel · 15/07/2018 10:25

MiL refuses point blank to speak to me. It’s really up to DH to invite/arrange for his own mother to come and give presents don’t you think?

I mean I already plan absolutely everything else.

OP posts:
SoftlyCatchyMonkey1 · 15/07/2018 10:30

How old is your son?
Is there anything happening in your MILs life that is taking her attention away?
Does she live close to you?
Does she have any other grandchildren?
Is your son having a party / celebration and is she invited?

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/07/2018 10:31

I'm confused. Is he lying and saying your mum is crap or is he telling the truth that his own mum is?

RJnomore1 · 15/07/2018 10:34

Bit lost

Your MIL is there? But no gift?

DH meant his mum was a bit crap? Or yours?

Original poster
CantankerousCamel · 15/07/2018 10:35

DC1 is 8 today.

She is hundreds of miles away at the north of the country, I live in the south west.

Yes her daughter has children who she by all accounts makes effort to see/spend time with but they (until recently) lived in the same city as her.

They are having a joint party in two weeks. DH has said nothing about her arranging to come at all this summer, she won’t speak to me so I can’t invite her, it would be taken badly.

I realise the situation between me and her is not ideal but I am concerned about how things affect the children more.

OP posts:
user1498854363 · 15/07/2018 10:35

Someone who refuses to speak to me is not invited to my house, I wouldn’t be spending time with them. Sounds like a difficult situation all round, not a ‘happy’ birthday for the child. Next time let it be about him.

Original poster
CantankerousCamel · 15/07/2018 10:35

As my son opened his present from my mum, he said ‘my mums being a bit crap’ as MIL had sent nothing

OP posts:
Onlyjoinedforthisthread · 15/07/2018 10:36

So you want your husband to tell his mother to stop forgetting birthdays? Seems he would be wasting his breath to me

BarbarianMum · 15/07/2018 10:37

Like who is the connected? Confused

Is the problem that you want your MiL to remember his birthday (not in your or dh's gift) or that you don't like what your dh is saying ?

Original poster
CantankerousCamel · 15/07/2018 10:38

MIL isn’t here, she’s at her home.

It’s the causal ‘oh you’ve not got a gift from her it will come in a week or so’ that’s annoyed me. I don’t think they deserve to hear that and should be able to just open presents from those who have sent them without having to consider those who haven’t bothered

OP posts:
Original poster
CantankerousCamel · 15/07/2018 10:39

Of course it would be lovely if MIL planned something for the kids, but we make their days as special as we can without her help and have done for years.

I just don’t really think DH’s bringing it up to DS was okay while he was opening his other gifts

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 15/07/2018 10:40

OK so based on that I think you're being precious.

You DH treated it matter of fact, breezy, no real problem. You're treating it like something to get upset over. DC will follow your lead generally and get upset if you treat things like a big deal. Better to teach them to roll with the punches.

BarbarianMum · 15/07/2018 10:40

Ok think I get it now. Relax. She lives hundreds of miles away, your ds sees her rarely, you don't get on with her. Your ds won't care if she sends gifts late or not at all if you don't act as though he should.

Original poster
CantankerousCamel · 15/07/2018 10:43

I’ve no plans to mention it to or in front of the kids.

I just wondered if it was unreasonable to suggest to DH that if his mother is late sending presents or hasn’t remembered, that maybe they should just keep it to themselves? DC’s will be fine to receive a gift in a few days if one is sent.

OP posts:
DayKay · 15/07/2018 10:44

Unless you’ve been unpleasant to your mil or generally a horrible person then don’t overthink it.
I would tell dh not to even bother mentioning it in future.
Why should children be raised thinking people owe them gifts and if they don’t get them then that person is ‘crap’?

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/07/2018 10:47

It's a non issue. Let DH crack in and you do it your way.

I'm a bit crap and totally happy to be described as such!

Original poster
CantankerousCamel · 15/07/2018 10:48

Yes, all I would like is for him not to mention it.

OP posts:
maddening · 15/07/2018 10:48

Why does mil refuse to speak to you?

redfairy · 15/07/2018 10:50

My in laws regularly forgot my kids birthdays. That was just the culture in their family whilst mine were shit hot on getting presents and cards to their recipients on the day. My kids just took it in their stride as they grew and realised it was just how it was. It seems to be more of a problem for you and your interpretation of it as your DS being an afterthought. I think your DH handled it just fine.

WorraLiberty · 15/07/2018 10:51

Yes, all I would like is for him not to mention it.

That's what makes your thread title so confusing.

If you want your DH to stop telling your DS the truth (which by the age of 8 he will know anyway) then that has nothing to do with your MIL.

Just speak to him. Although to be honest, I don't see what's wrong with what he said.

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/07/2018 10:55

You seem to be making a mountain out of a molehill and in the process trying to control the way your DH talks about his mum.

Honestly, chill out.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 15/07/2018 11:00

I wouldn’t be requesting my partner to instruct his mum in the timely arrival of presents
All this he said,she said,I said what a lot of nonsense.either speak up directly or say nowt

frasier · 15/07/2018 11:00

I think I get it.

Both grandmothers live far away.
One remembered OP’s son’s birthday, one didn’t.
DH reminded his mother (the forgetter) on the day (presumably by phone or text).
OP wants her DH to say something to his mother about forgetting because she doesn’t want her son to feel bad.

Are there any grandfathers on the scene? Do they remember?

Your DH did say something to your son. He said his mother was crap. If he said something to her I doubt it would do any good, some people are just selfish. But ask him. You never know.

Your son is learning g that some people are mean. I don’t think it will affect him that it is his grandmother. They are obviously not close and never will be because she sounds like she’s not bothered. Sad but one of those things. Everyone else remembered. This reflects on her, not him.

Original poster
CantankerousCamel · 15/07/2018 11:01

maddening because his sister (who is a few years older than us but not by much) was pretty inappropriate with me when we first met, calling me a child and stroking my hair, I was 21 and bulshy and basically I told her that I would like to be treated like an equal. I really wish I could go back in time and just keep my mouth shut but I was young and ‘brave’ and had been living alone since 18, being called names and told I couldn’t have a real thought in my head and patted by a 30 year old was just not okay by me then. I took it as a personal slight.

Since then I’ve been subjected to a variety of hurtful situations by them.

MIL refused to acknowledge our stillborn daughter to the point that we had to let DH’s aunt know, when she contacted us on Christmas Day, that our baby wasn’t alive and we weren’t ‘doing fine’ as MIL had told her the day before. It was just a horrrible situation.

After that, we got pregnant with DS2 abs in front of both of us her first comment was ‘well when am I getting granddaughters?’ Our stillborn baby was a girl.

Just a few really hurtful, thoughtless remarks which DH writes off as being ‘careless’ but not cruel but that I find it hard to believe aren’t.

Since DD1 was born last year I’ve reached out to all his family to attempt to reconcile what seems to me, to be quite a petty feud.

Nothing has been forthcoming. It’s all been treated at best like I am an inconvenience and not relevant to their lives.

Yes I’ve pointed out how much that will affect the kids, doesn’t matter.

OP posts: