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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DH to stop MIL doing this?

171 replies

CantankerousCamel · 15/07/2018 10:19

It’s DS1’s birthday

My mum lives in Brisbane and provided a bit of money for a thoughtful gift and sent a moonpig card.

mil, as she does every birthday, ‘forgot’ it was his birthday and only on prompting from DH (in front of me while DS1 opened his gifts) ‘remembered’

So DH sayings ‘oh your other nana is being a bit more crap, she’ll send something next week’

I don’t want my son to feel like an after thought or like they are somehow connected.

I just want him to be able to experinence his birthday (for once) without these people showing him how little they care.

OP posts:
Original poster
CantankerousCamel · 15/07/2018 16:37

At no point have I said I don’t need counselling

OP posts:
GeorgeIII · 15/07/2018 16:41

You said it was too expensive and that you needed intensive psychotherapy - I'm not sure why you need that. But even once a month with a counsellor without a string of letters after their name might be better than nothing. And whilst having young DCs is an ideal time to attend counselling imv as it's a time when you don't have time for yourself or your worries.

Original poster
CantankerousCamel · 15/07/2018 16:42

I’ve got to the point where I put my foot down and said they either accept us as a family or the family will not be attending their functions or visiting them for Christmas etc.

Which DH accepted but then said ‘oh I’ve promised I’ll tske the baby to see my grandparents, obviously you can’t come but I’ll tske the kids for a weekend’ it’s the same thing all over again

OP posts:
Arum51 · 15/07/2018 16:43

No. The message is:

We are in control. Your mother is worthless, and we own your father. Your father will abandon your mother when we tell him to, and this is right and proper. You will only get nice things from us if she is not there. You want nice things from us, because we are powerful.

This is absolutely fucking poisonous for your children. Them not sending birthday presents is an utter irrelevance if this is the message they are getting from their dad. And it's their dad they are getting this message from. He is the one going along with this. He is the one agreeing that you should not be invited, but that he should go. He is the one taking your children into this poisonous atmosphere, and allowing them to hear this message.

From now on, no contact. Ever again. He can go off and see his mum by himself, but his family are out of your lives.

GrammarShammer · 15/07/2018 16:43

Op I was coming on to make comment about presents but this thread has moved on since then.

Re presents, mn is very funny about them! Some people don't do presents.. They do when they can or have cash but it's always haphazard. So not receiving a gift from someone like that means nothing.

Some people however, including my Mil are all about presents!! She speaks through her gifts and if you didn't get one then it very much means something.

I totally agree that in no way should the other grannies gift be mentioned at that time. Absolutely keep it quiet, if a gift comes brilliant.. If it doesn't forget about it.

Re all the new posts... I don't know what to say.
If I were you I would be doing everything I could to get too relate. Get a baby sitter.. Find one, beg a friend, family... Because its v powerful when one hears something from third person.

They can put what's happening into simple language and it will also give you your dh space to say how he feels.
It's cruel for him not to put photos up and what he is doing is minimising you for them.
Buying into however they pass you off.. Rather than saying through all sorts of ways including fb photos, this is my wife, the mother of my dc and she is non negotiable. Dreadful situation.
Unless you get help with the mental side from professional I don't know how you will move forward. Unless you get him to leave and play hard ball?

Original poster
CantankerousCamel · 15/07/2018 16:45

George I have intense PTSD and childhood trauma, bipolar disorder and string of other ‘issues’

I could easily go to a councillor once a month, they would recommend DBT which I’ve extensively worked with and is why I function so well in society (married/successful own business etc etc)

But both of us would require us to go with our 12 month old in attendance, which isn’t suitable and not something I would want to do. As it was we waited until DD1 had gone to sleep before even discussing all of this

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Original poster
CantankerousCamel · 15/07/2018 16:49

Grammar

He left before for 2 years and I Just don’t want that again. If it comes to the stage I have to threaten it then I suppose that’s what I’ll have to do but really I want to show him that I love him and will do anything for him. I just wish he had dealt with this properly when it happened.

Both his sisters are married now and I was denied an invite to both weddings, in fact when I said I would come and stay in a local hotel to be nearby for my 12 month old, he was told to make sure I wasn’t ‘even in the country’ and I had to stay home.

Everything they do is geared around showing him how much they disapprove of me. He still denies that his reluctance to ‘big up’ our lives are anything to do with them but I know it is.

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 15/07/2018 16:49

DH accepted but then said ‘oh I’ve promised I’ll tske the baby to see my grandparents, obviously you can’t come but I’ll tske the kids for a weekend’ it’s the same thing all over again

OP, I don't wish to be unkind but you didn't put your foot down, then. What would he do if next time he said some version of this, you said 'No, that's not what we agreed. You said we'd all go together or not at all. So which is it? Because unless it's one of those two answers, we can't stay together' - what do you think would happen?

Original poster
CantankerousCamel · 15/07/2018 16:54

He wouldn’t take them. But he would act as if I was totally unreasonable for saying so and therefore the resentment within our marriage would grow and in my experience it just grows and grows until I’m so sad I can’t breathe and he feels completely useless because all the other ways he shows me he loves me don’t matter, this just becomes the focus.

Even today he started going on about how much he’s done in the back garden and kitchen this month as if to say I had no right to talk avout how this is affecting me

OP posts:
GrammarShammer · 15/07/2018 17:03

Op.

Your showing him how much you love Jim every single day you put up with this shite.

Every single day.

What is he doing to show you how much he loves you.

I would have left long before all this. I can only cope with my in laws because dh isn't interested in them, in fact it's been me initiating contact. If he said I wasn't welcome at in laws but went anyway.. Game over.

I 🤔 you have been the slowly boiled frog.
If your dd is in this situation when older what would you say to her? Her mil won't speak to her, her dh takes her dc off without her..

It's not a situation I would put up with at all.

diddl · 15/07/2018 17:04

How can you love a man who treats you so badly?

GrammarShammer · 15/07/2018 17:04

Whoopy do he had worked on his own garden and kitchen!! How thankful you should be Angry

SandyY2K · 15/07/2018 17:06

You're overreacting.

Original poster
CantankerousCamel · 15/07/2018 17:07

He actually treats me really well and deals with my mental health condition very well also.
But yes this whole thing is grinding me down. Not sure how to stop it though

OP posts:
GrammarShammer · 15/07/2018 17:18

Op, it's not treating you well would you do it to him?

There is no way I would allow my dh to be cut off from my family like that, and take dc to events without him. It wouldn't be nice for me either.

Original poster
CantankerousCamel · 15/07/2018 17:20

Obviously he isn’t treating me well RE his family, however he does treat me well I all other walks of life

He’s kind and gentle and really very much my partner.

This is unusual for us to fall out.

OP posts:
Arum51 · 15/07/2018 17:31

But it's not unusual for you to fall out, is it? This has been going on since you met!

I'm bipolar too, and I know exactly how scary it is to think about losing the person who knows your condition really well, and how to respond to it. My stbexh ran off with my best friend last year, and it contributed to a massive manic episode. I'd had no time to plan, or protect myself, so it all went tits up. Things did not go well, and still aren't. After 25 years, I'm having to be on my own, and it's scary, and I realise how much he used to do for me, even when he was a complete bastard.

However, you can get through it. I'm having a lot of ongoing support from the mh team to work through this, and you will too if it comes to you needing it. So don't let the fear of your ability to cope with your illness affect the way you approach this. You may love him, but you don't need him.

Original poster
CantankerousCamel · 15/07/2018 17:33

Arum

I definitely know that I can live without him. I just really, really don’t want to

OP posts:
Arum51 · 15/07/2018 17:43

I know love Flowers

Original poster
CantankerousCamel · 15/07/2018 17:45

Arum

Thanks for your support, I’m sorry your DH was such a prick. DH really isn’t like that, he has his faults but he bloody loves me to pieces, he just doesn’t know how to deal with this issue with his mother which hurts us both

OP posts:
GrammarShammer · 15/07/2018 17:54

Go to relate then.

He does know how to deal with this issue, but he is choosing not too. Its easier to upset you rather than her and that's his choice. It's easier to let them write you out and pretend you don't exist.

That is not love.

Original poster
CantankerousCamel · 15/07/2018 17:54

Ffs Grammar talk about whipping a dead horse. You can’t go to relate with a baby and it COSTS MONEY that we don’t have after the first session

OP posts:
Original poster
CantankerousCamel · 15/07/2018 17:55

It is love, it’s just conflicted

OP posts:
GrammarShammer · 15/07/2018 17:56

Ok I'm out.

I have been there and done it. You can get a baby sitter actually for a baby. And they are a charity who ask your wage and what you can afford and they don't turn anyone away.

Good luck!!

Original poster
CantankerousCamel · 15/07/2018 18:05

Yes of COURSE I can afford a babysitter on top of my weekly couples counselling Hmm

I get the impression Grammar that you have no concept of how the other half live.

OP posts: