To tell DH to stop MIL doing this?

[CantankerousCamel]

It’s DS1’s birthday

My mum lives in Brisbane and provided a bit of money for a thoughtful gift and sent a moonpig card.

mil, as she does every birthday, ‘forgot’ it was his birthday and only on prompting from DH (in front of me while DS1 opened his gifts) ‘remembered’

So DH sayings ‘oh your other nana is being a bit more crap, she’ll send something next week’

I don’t want my son to feel like an after thought or like they are somehow connected.

I just want him to be able to experinence his birthday (for once) without these people showing him how little they care.

Are you scared OP that if he had to choose, he'd pick his mum over you? Is that what happened last time?

No, he just won’t choose, simple as. He will Just passively ignore it, call me unreasonable and wait for it to all go away.

I left him, not really because of that so much as a direct result of the bad feelings and the resentment it all caused, it’s suffocates life together

And if you gave him an ultimatum (that you would follow through)?

So what if you said that not choosing is a choice, because it shows how low a priority you are, and that you want him to leave? Is the house in joint names? Rented or mortgaged?

It’s just sort of... appeased until it’s forgotten really

Council house, he would leave again. I really, really don’t want him to leave again :(

I love him so much

I do see that you really love him OP. But that is in part what traps you into putting up with this, because you are afraid of him choosing his mum. Until you think 'I do love him, so so much, but I can't live like this any longer' and mean it, he can carry on treating you badly. Which he is.

Would he have the kids 50/50 if he left?

I don’t necessarily think he would actively choose her over me. He would just ignore it so he doesn’t have to choose either

He’s just so bloody passive

No, I don't think he would either from what you've posted - but what I'm saying is that that is still a choice, because he's effectively saying 'I refuse to live any other way than this one' and 'this one' = him pandering to his mum at your expense. He's choosing to prioritise her over you and expecting you to settle for that. Which is what gives him leverage. If you were willing to chuck him out rather than carry on in this same way, then that gives you some leverage. Doesn't guarantee you get him to change, but it stops things going on exactly as they are forever, which is the course you're currently on.

Buttery you’re right and I did get to the point earlier where I said ‘where do we go from here then? Are you going to move out as you’re being ‘abused’ by me?

He seems to think that the way his mum is behaving is not something he has any part in and that she does care about the kids she’s ‘just’ forgetful. Like she’s ‘just’ a bit thick rather than actually being awfully cruel.

It’s just so bloody irritating.

I’ve told him that actually what I need from him is for him to stop being passive and explain to her that her endless decision to use every situation to attack me, is ostracising her from this family and will not go to anywhere good.

OK, so you need to focus on what he does and the choices he makes. There's a grain of truth in his view in that he can't control what his mum does. But he can control what he does himself and how he acts in relation to his mum. The not putting stuff on Facebook, taking the kids for long trips to see his mum and leaving you alone, all that is his choice. So you can tell him you want those things to stop if you two are going to stay together, regardless of what his mum says or does.

I picture him as someone ducking for cover under a big sheet of metal above himself and using it as a shield while the shits being thrown at him or hiding in a tunnel away from the ammunition and he really doesn’t want to face reality. I think you’re going to struggle to get him to admit to stuff or see it as it really is. He’s too scared to poke his head out from under the cover. Does that make sense?

How about taking it right back to basics? He needs lots and lots of care and reassurance. I’m sure you do too btw but you’re asking what I would do in this situation.

I think you have to pretend he’s a scared little kid, whose mummy doesn’t approve of him and his choices. This is coming from very deep down. Tell him you’re really sad things aren’t different with his mother and sister. Ask him to tell you how he would like the situation to be. When he attacks you, say things like “I’m really sorry you feel that way.” “I’m really sad how things have turned out.” Very neutral. Very adult. Bite size it. Don’t let him wind you up or make you bite. Remember he’s been trained in manipulation and coercive techniques.

If he says stuff like you’re crazy for that time when his mum just wanted to come on your due date, tell him you’re sorry you made him feel as though he had to choose. That you really needed him with you and you’re sorry you weren’t able to explain it in a way that he could understand. This is not btw in any way telling him you were wrong or to blame. It’s just kid gloves stuff.

I’m also getting this tug of war image with him in the middle. The tug of war between you and the women in his birth family needs to stop. It is tearing you apart. Any criticism of his mother and sister right now isn’t going to work. They’ve trained him very well and all of his life. What I’m trying to explain to you is to reach the scared child.

Bottom line he’s more frightened of his mother and perhaps his sister than he is of you and therefore he will come out as team mummy every time.

He probably wants to be team CamelFamily but he doesn’t do contankerous very well.

If I’m really honest, I think you being a bit sensitive and might need to start building bridges rather than trying to turn the knife if you want to remain as a family.
She’s your husband’s mother and he is inevitably going to want to maintain a relationship however geographically distant you are. He’s minimising a late present is no big deal but you’re making it one. Lots of grandparents and aunts are late sending presents. It doesn’t really mean anything.
The bit about granddaughters was at worst a thoughtless throw away comment.
At 20/21 I’m sure you wanted to be an equal adult but to many a 20/21 year old is still very young and an intense angry young person seems even younger. My own youngest is nearly 20 and her boyfriend is 21 but to us and her older siblings she’s still childlikein many ways. I think you should let it go as it wast ill intentioned.
The stillbirth is hard and it feels like you’re still sad about it. Maybe consider counselling?

Mummy thanks, that’s helpful. I really am prepared to do anything to make him happy, even spend time with his fucking awful mother. But I am going to be hard pushed to imagine why we need to when ALL she does is make our marriage more difficult and she doesn’t even bother with the kids on their birthdays.

I suppose the crux is, if she gives a shit that’s something to work on, but if she doesn’t what’s the point?

Cherry
You minimising shit behaviour says all it needs to about you. ODFO. Thanks.

I don’t think spending time with the spiteful cow is going to achieve anything except make you feel worse. He doesn’t want to protect you and you will also be looking after your interest and protecting your dcs. That prospect sounds exhausting.

From this, I’m not saying you refuse to go to family functions with extending families, parties, weddings etc. Your job would then be to be tiger mummy, smile and wave, steer the kids elsewhere and breeze around the room: Waterproof mascara at the ready.

Mummy I’m banished from weddings/extended family gatherings because she’s just told everyone I’m evil, so the DH and DC’s are invited ‘when they can travel’ meaning ‘when they don’t need that bitch to feed them anymore’

She’s made a point of ostracising me from anyone and everyone in his family.

They even cropped me out of photos the last time they visited (the mum and aunt) despite literally no bad feelings at all. I was 100% lovely to them. I really wanted it to work, I get it’s not going to I just don’t know what that means for me and DH

I think you’re over reacting to your DH making a comment about his DM’s prezzie arriving in a few days. Where was the harm in that?

The IL issues will only affect your child if you cause a fuss about them, which does seem to be what you’re doing. Also, why are you bothered about trying to build a relationship with your in laws? They clearly don’t want one. Your son is fine and has you and his Dad anyway. Sounds like you’re flogging a dead horse by trying to build a relationship with the MIL and pretty pointless anyway if she lives a long way away. She’ll never have a decent relationship with your child. Never mind. Suck it up and move on.

What, they don't invite you to things, and your husband just goes along with that? And takes your kids?

What message is that sending to your children? This is totally unacceptable.

Arum I agree.

The message seems to be

‘Your shit and not worth even considering in our plans’

‘Before they’ve weaned your children are irrelevant’

‘Your children are pretty unimportant we might send them a present if sends us an upset message about it.’

I would love for them all to fuck off as far as possible but if there is any contact, it just seems to be used as an excuse to ‘prove’ how much they hate me.

That’s terrible. Then I would stand firm and tell him he goes to the functions alone. No way would I have my children think it’s ok for mummy to be ostracised. They will either internalise that you are inferior and may even be manipulated into treating you as such or become angry and resentful toward his family. These are emotions your children are too young to be around. You need to protect them. And protect your relationship with them.

I can see this is seriously getting to you, understandably, but I struggle with your DH letting this happen and worse, going along with it.

You said you didn't need counselling but you could really do to talk to someone unrelated to the situation to sort out the best solution.
It sounds like it is winding you up more and more. And if she is as bad as you say then I wouldn't want my DC spending time with someone who hates me and gives a warped view of me.

You can't change someone else (ie DH and DMIL) you can only change yourself, so you need to make some plans and discussing it with someone else might enable you to prioritise your needs and move forward. It does seem to be dominating your life at the moment and this is bad for your mental health.