To tell DH to stop MIL doing this?

[CantankerousCamel]

It’s DS1’s birthday

My mum lives in Brisbane and provided a bit of money for a thoughtful gift and sent a moonpig card.

mil, as she does every birthday, ‘forgot’ it was his birthday and only on prompting from DH (in front of me while DS1 opened his gifts) ‘remembered’

So DH sayings ‘oh your other nana is being a bit more crap, she’ll send something next week’

I don’t want my son to feel like an after thought or like they are somehow connected.

I just want him to be able to experinence his birthday (for once) without these people showing him how little they care.

Well that was a frustrating read, it isnt love.

You can’t possibly know the inns and outs of my 8 year marriage from this thread.

Ffs how could you?

Actually I very much do

We could only afford one session, I don't know where you get the idea it needs to be weekly from?

We Had one years ago when things were desperate and we are v low income, no family to help out, but it was worth trying for. Young dc etc.

We had one session and came away from that feeling amazing.. I would have loved some more but we couldn't afford it. We paid low amount that's all we could afford. And like you I really couldn't get more cover because dd too young.

Years later when we had issues again, we managed 3 sessions but we had slightly more cash. At most I think anything between 1 /5 is usual.

I find your posts rude now so I really am checking out.!!

So do I issue an ultimatum? Not necessarily marriage related but say that if he discusses this with her and works out if she’s in or out (and accepts me as a part of that) or we simply ostracise ourselves from it?

Do I say that? Or is that not right?

The actually I do BTW refers to the other half live comment not the ins and out of your marriage.

So angry

I was under the impression that more than one session was more than recommended.

I will look into it, but I would much rather DH just stepped up and stopped treating me like this

Talk to him the way I discussed. Don’t make it adverserial. You are fighting for your marriage. That doesn’t mean no boundaries and yes, you and the dcs come as a package. But saying that blatantly will get you nowhere. You ask questions. “What message do you think it send the dcs that I’m not invited?” And so forth.

Mummy

That really resonates, because that IS the issue, with the gifts as well, what message is being sent here. To the kids and is it worth it?

I went to relate. Admittedly it was a long time ago. The lowest figure to pay was £5 and it was means tested. I paid the top amount of I think £20 as dh had a good job even though I dont think I needed to. But I did that so people like you can benefit also.

More than one session is recommended ofcourse. But sometimes something is better then nothing. Could you find a friend/neighbour to watch your youngest?

We don’t really have a lot of people around us who she is happy to go to. She’s a fickle little thing and really just likes me and DH

Well you had more than than me op I had literally no one.

Of course you can handle being ostracised. It hurts far far more when it’s your children. I have big problems with my brother and his wife - we are nc - as well as my mother. Brother is the golden child and his son is the golden grandchild. Make no mistake my mother is not treating my dd like shit. She’s been told this on no uncertain terms.

Dd is 10 and is going for a few nights to her house - first time since my brother treated me diabolically and my mother blamed me as she always does. If my mother is horrid, dd will tell me. If my mother does not keep my brother away from dd, dh will be straight in the car to collect her. But this is my family. Dh and are working as a unit. It took us an awfully long time to get to this point as my dh held me largely responsible for the situation for years because they painted me as the unreasonable one and he bought into it. Now he sees my mother is vile to me.

Considering sending him a link to this thread

Then take your dd. I know she will be a distraction. But right now she’s not going to absorb it like a 2 yo would. I used to take dd to counselling as a baby. It worked ok.

Think about it before you show him the thread. Re read it all first.

He probably feels bad that his mum isn't up to much (unlike your shining, adoring mummy who sends presents and remembers stuff) and said something, anything as a ham-fisted attempt to make his kid feel better. Don't be angry at him for that - it's not very fair.

This

Be more understanding OP

I just don’t want my mums interest in her DGC lives to be somehow connected to this woman.

She already insists on giving herself the same ‘nana/granny/nan’ name because when we asked her what she’d like to be called she said she wanted the kids to call her by her first name because she ‘doesn’t like the reminder’ that she’s a grandparent. So now they have Nana and Nana meaning they get really confused and often think they’re talking to my mum and then get audibly disappointed when they discover it’s not her (she FaceTimes weekly and takes them on adventures, DH’s mum just couldn’t give a shit)

So I then have to defend her saying ‘don’t call her ‘other nana’ etc

Woman just drives me loopy

Interjecting about the Relate stuff. Not sure what the rates are where you are, but it's very expensive over here. Our 'couples' sessions were about £80 a pop. I then went on my own, and they were very good and gave me a bursary and additional sessions (they were clearly worried about me, and really tried to help) and these were £20 each. I'm really not sure that taking a baby would be a good idea, and babysitting on top of the couples session would have been out of our budget, despite the fact that stbexh earns a fortune.

Well go for Nana Oz or Nana Bessie or whatever and Nana Misery or Nana Sue or whatever her name is.

OP just to add something you might not have considered.

There are two books I would recommend by Susan Forward. One is called Toxic Parents and the other is Toxic Inlaws.

I would recommend reading both and keeping in mind that some relationships aren't as bad as the ones in the book, but there are elements from them that might apply to your MIL and your DH and you and the relationships that you have.

If you think your DH would read them, pass them on to him too.

And one other thing. Our relationship with my PILs wasn't normal and the entire family were keeping aspects of it secret while pretending it was all fine.

SIL was incredibly resentful when I started to tell people what had happened, but it took telling people who weren't involved and seeing their reaction to help us realise that what we had grown used to was shocking to outsiders.

Does your DH do that? Does he keep bits secret because in his heart he knows other people would be shocked or find it weird?

If he does, then he knows something is wrong and he's playing his part to hide it. At your expense.

Would he let other people treat you like this? Would he let his boss, or your neighbours, or a stranger in the street speak to you or about you in this way?