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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DH to stop MIL doing this?

171 replies

CantankerousCamel · 15/07/2018 10:19

It’s DS1’s birthday

My mum lives in Brisbane and provided a bit of money for a thoughtful gift and sent a moonpig card.

mil, as she does every birthday, ‘forgot’ it was his birthday and only on prompting from DH (in front of me while DS1 opened his gifts) ‘remembered’

So DH sayings ‘oh your other nana is being a bit more crap, she’ll send something next week’

I don’t want my son to feel like an after thought or like they are somehow connected.

I just want him to be able to experinence his birthday (for once) without these people showing him how little they care.

OP posts:
frasier · 15/07/2018 11:25

He was just trying to defend his mum to ds, it's his mum, it's natural.

What? To takes his mothers side over his son’s? 😳 Not in my world it isn’t. My DH stuck up for us when his mother was nasty.

WinnieFosterTether · 15/07/2018 11:26

I don't think your DH did anything wrong. Don't take your issues with MIL out on DH.
As an 8-yr-old, I doubt your DC cares if the present comes on their birthday or a week later. I know I loved getting late birthday presents.
The only person upset is you and that's because of everything that has gone before. Try not to take it out on DH and make it an issue for your DC's birthday.

GeorgeIII · 15/07/2018 11:27

Would it be worth having some counselling over this stuff. Losing a baby is hard to get over.
But the prob is the different stances that you and DH are taking. If he is pretending all is fine when she is blanking you that is not ok.
Imv DCs take the attitude of their parents -if it is ‘DMIL never remembers birthdays, and we don’t bother aboutit’ Then that will be their attitude. If DH is covering up and lying for her (will a pressie come next week?) then he is making things worse.

Original poster
CantankerousCamel · 15/07/2018 11:30

George that’s part of it, I don’t wholly trust a present will ‘come next week’ so would rather it remained as a pleasant surprise.

Counselling would be great (for a variety of things) but is rather too expensive right now, plus I probably need intensive psychotherapy and I’m not sure being a mum to 3 under 10s is the best time to do it. I’ll look into it in future

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Original poster
CantankerousCamel · 15/07/2018 11:32

fraiser him not sticking up for me when his mother has been hideously cruel, especially when I was at my most vulnerable, basically fractured our marriage but we have rebuilt it, hence my desperately trying to just put everything behind us and make new memories with his family.

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LipstickHandbagCoffee · 15/07/2018 11:32

So if mil won’t have an open dialogue you can’t compel her to.
I’d just go for cool & cordial approach.you can’t expend emotional energy fighting her. You'll end up exhausted & frustrated.
I’m afraid you need to protect yourself and fake it to make it

Original poster
CantankerousCamel · 15/07/2018 11:32

winnie that is comforting thanks

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LipstickHandbagCoffee · 15/07/2018 11:34

Your mil sounds ghastly btw
And she seems to derive a pleasure in the discord.maybe it’s how she operates

StaplesCorner · 15/07/2018 11:35

Why on earth are you continuing to try to have any sort of relationship with this woman? Go NC, your Dh can see her when he wants, she has no relationship with the kids, end of. Its coming across that it hurts you that there is no gift or card more than it bothers your son - you need to tell your DH that her attitude will never be acceptable, and then move on.

RosieFromTheProvinces · 15/07/2018 11:38

Your son is learning g that some people are mean

Or maybe a bit forgetful? I've been known to forget birthdays of family and friends, I just wasn't brought up to make a big thing of it. I write dates in on the calendar and then forget to look at the calendar.

I'm certainly not mean though.

frasier · 15/07/2018 11:39

I understand the present thing, it’s a manifestation of caring. MIL doesn’t care.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/07/2018 11:42

Everything you’ve described is their problem. Not yours. It isn’t normal for a 30 yo woman to treat a 21 yo woman like she is a dolly.

You really need to learn to stop blaming yourself for what happened all those years ago. I don’t think it would ever have worked with your dh’s family if this is how they treat you.

As for your mil/sil. In your shoes, I think I’d rather my dcs had as little as possible to do with these idiots.

Original poster
CantankerousCamel · 15/07/2018 11:43

Lipstick I totally agree, last time she came she brought her sister, I suggested we see very very very old landmark - very old landmark - old landmark to discuss history of place (sister is American and would have loved this) before getting a bite to eat.

Boys were very excited as had never been to very very old landmark.

MIL said she would rather see everything in reverse, we said okay, that’s fine.

Then she said she didn’t want to go to last location (despite the boys being super excited). Then she messaged 15 mins before we were due to meet (and had our car in car park etc) to tell us she was at location she had previously said she didn’t want to go to and that she’d be around 25 mins late.

We then spent an hour in a windy town waiting for her, before she rocked up making standoffish comments about me having the baby in a carrier for so long.

We went and got food and I showed them some places of interest which she ridiculed before refusing to have dinner with us.

It was very weird and she made an active point to ‘hate’ me and make throw away comments.

It was truly odd but she’s absolutely determined to hate me.

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jannier · 15/07/2018 11:44

I work with children, why on earth is anyone bringing up nanny forgot you in front of your child when he opens his presents? Unless you Lo says anything do not bring it up if he does just say people send gifts if they can afford to if they don't its not because they forgot or don't want to. now lets see what were doing next to celebrate...
later pre warn nanny that your child is calling as he wants to speak to nanny on his birthday (or OH) if she isn't up for it don't do it and don't mention it, make the most of what he has not what you think he should have (no point and endless bitterness and stress).
If your throwing a joint party do a joint invite in the post to her no talking but showing that for the sake of your child your being the bigger person, she either comes or doesn't but that's her choice.

Original poster
CantankerousCamel · 15/07/2018 11:46

jannier

My point exactly. I just don’t get it. Why even bring it up?

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LipstickHandbagCoffee · 15/07/2018 11:46

Unfortunately,that’s how some folk are.she won’t change
You however can change how you react to her,have a strategy protect yourself
Don’t outwardly rise to her lil digs,be calm she wants the frisson,don’t give her it

Original poster
CantankerousCamel · 15/07/2018 11:53

Lipstick yes that’s pretty much what I did.

Tbh I have a forward facing, professional job, most people I meet do like me. She’s just got this weird grudge she won’t let go of.

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DistanceCall · 15/07/2018 12:00

Your son won't get upset just because his father says that his other grandmother will be late with her present and she's being a bit crap. If anything, he'll see it as something funny. Unless you kick up a fuss, of course (which it seems like you already have).

Stop trying to control the way your husband talks about his mother. He's managing OK.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 15/07/2018 12:03

Don’t wast any more time or emotional energy trying to gripe
It’s evident it’s there. Don’t let it be a big thing or dominate things
Take back control, if you’re constantly edgy,she’s got the upper hand

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 15/07/2018 12:03

Don’t wast any more time or emotional energy trying to understand gripe

Original poster
CantankerousCamel · 15/07/2018 12:05

Distance I’ve not ‘kicked up’ anything. He bought it up.

He basically said we was really disappointed in her and I’ve told him that she can’t be expected to remember the kids birthday so maybe he should remind her.

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Original poster
CantankerousCamel · 15/07/2018 12:06

Lipstick when I’m with her I try and be as detached from it as I can. Just act like it’s a professional relationship effectively

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Butterymuffin · 15/07/2018 12:06

my desperately trying to just put everything behind us and make new memories with his family

Don't keep doing this. Give it up. It gives his mum the power to keep rejecting you and being nasty. She can't do that if you're not there. Just let your DH make all these arrangements with her (or not), let him sort it all. Be pleasant about it to DH, just say you'll stay out of the way and let him get on with things.

Original poster
CantankerousCamel · 15/07/2018 12:11

Buttery

But then they do things like plan 10 days away over Christmas with my kids.

Or (last time) DH arranged to visit her and family in wales with all the children except the baby because she ‘can’t travel yet’ for the long bank holiday weekend of August when DD1 had only been born 4 weeks earlier.

So I end up losing a lot of family time with them all because he’s taking them around the country to see his mum.

I would rather we could just get on, even if it’s a bit forced because it would prevent that sort of thing

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Original poster
CantankerousCamel · 15/07/2018 12:17

I’ve done NC for many years and it just seems to create an environment of more resentment between DH and I.

Also he refuses to ever acknowledge me on Facebook which I don’t think helps. So he’s never said ‘happy mother’s day great job’ to Cantankerous etc.

Same with birthdays or any large events, he just ignores it totally in any capacity that they might see. It’s very much like I’m his ‘dirty little secret’ that he’s been married to for the last 8 years.

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