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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DH to stop MIL doing this?

171 replies

CantankerousCamel · 15/07/2018 10:19

It’s DS1’s birthday

My mum lives in Brisbane and provided a bit of money for a thoughtful gift and sent a moonpig card.

mil, as she does every birthday, ‘forgot’ it was his birthday and only on prompting from DH (in front of me while DS1 opened his gifts) ‘remembered’

So DH sayings ‘oh your other nana is being a bit more crap, she’ll send something next week’

I don’t want my son to feel like an after thought or like they are somehow connected.

I just want him to be able to experinence his birthday (for once) without these people showing him how little they care.

OP posts:
Original poster
CantankerousCamel · 15/07/2018 11:03

frasier

That’s exactly it. I can bag my head trying to improve my relationship with his family (while he is remarkably passive in it all) but actually what concerns me is how DS is going to feel.

OP posts:
saoirse31 · 15/07/2018 11:04

Think yabvu re dh mentioning his other Granny's present will be here in a few days. That's perfectly normal, I'd have thought.

Re whatever issue you have with ur mil that's nothing to do with her giving ur son a present.

People r mad re birthdays tho.... Surely getting a present late and slightly unexpectedly is brilliant?

Emily7708 · 15/07/2018 11:04

I don’t understand the bit where you said that only on prompting in front of you she “remembered”. It implies that she was in the same room and suddenly realised it was DC’s birthday.

If it was just a case of DH mentioning his mother while DC was opening presents then I wouldn’t give it a second thought. If anything it makes your DM look better.

Original poster
CantankerousCamel · 15/07/2018 11:05

By the way I am now 34 and DS2 will be 6 next month.

They are just people who like to hold grudges. I would rather just get things out in the open and move on, that doesn’t seem to be a factor for her so when she has visited (refusing to visit the house of course) I’ve gone and been polite and friendly and given her a tour of the town etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
CantankerousCamel · 15/07/2018 11:06

DH was messaging his mother as DS1 opened his presents.

OP posts:
LipstickHandbagCoffee · 15/07/2018 11:07

Okay so there’s a back story of ill treatment and unkind comments
You're all going to inevitably keep comin across each other given it’s his family
So you either adopt a cool composed I won’t let this get to me stance or you try direct approach. Problem with direct approach is it rely upon other person engaging and acknowledging eg
You: youre unkind and abrupt to me. Your reaction to my stillborn baby was cruel and upsetting
MIL: Gosh I have no idea what your on about dear...

SendintheArdwolves · 15/07/2018 11:08

Look, I get it. It sounds like your MIL is "a bit crap" with more than just remembering birthday presents on time. You guys don't speak, the relationship is fraught, etc.

That is a big issue, and it seems like the birthday present thing has become the focus. You want to have a go at the MIL, but you can't because she isn't there and it wouldn't make a difference anyway. So the next best thing would be for your DH to have a go at her and say how rubbish and spiteful she's being and how she won't be loved by you all if she doesn't behave. But he won't, and it wouldn't make a difference anyway.

So left with a hurtful situation that makes you feel that, not only you but also your child are being dissed by this nasty woman, you've found a thing to be angry at: that your DH awkwardly said the wrong thing in the moment.

He probably feels bad that his mum isn't up to much (unlike your shining, adoring mummy who sends presents and remembers stuff) and said something, anything as a ham-fisted attempt to make his kid feel better. Don't be angry at him for that - it's not very fair.

SendintheArdwolves · 15/07/2018 11:09

Wow. Massive cross-post, sorry

Bibesia · 15/07/2018 11:10

You DH needs to remind his mother a week in advance.

Original poster
CantankerousCamel · 15/07/2018 11:11

Lipstick

The ‘direct’ approach was my first port of call

I sent her a message explaining how I felt when I had to talk to that dear old lady and tell her my baby had died because MIL had just pretended everything was okay, how it felt when she said ‘am I getting any more granddaughters’ and how hard I would find it to be in a room with her after her being so unkind. It was a very heartfelt, emotional exchange and she ignored it, completely, r and refused to speak to me or communicate with me again.

Just endless petty incidences of his relatives pretending I don’t exist or using any excuse to tell him I’m evil. It almost split us up. He moved out for 2 years and she told him she’d help him find £10k for a flat deposit as long as he no longer had anything to do with me.

OP posts:
frasier · 15/07/2018 11:12

I don’t know why you want them in your lives! They sound horrid.

We cut off MIL years ago. It has not made any negative difference to my son’s life. In fact it’s all been positives. She is a bad influence and has taught her other grandchildren to be petty, hold grudges and be spiteful.

Thank your lucky stars they are nowhere near you OP and just let them fade away. Make no effort.

If your DH insists on them being in your lives, tell him they can do that by being kind, not “bring crap”.

frasier · 15/07/2018 11:12

“Being crap”, not bring...

Original poster
CantankerousCamel · 15/07/2018 11:13

Bib
I’ve just said exactly that to him, that he needs to realise that he either reminds her or she will forget as she’s not connected enough to us to remember any other way.

I also said that she shouldn’t feel obligated to send the children gifts, we do quite fine and if she doesn’t want to, she shouldn’t feel she has to.

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Original poster
CantankerousCamel · 15/07/2018 11:14

fraiser
Because he (DH) is absolutely blind to it, her absolutely horrific comments and actions are treated as if she’s a bit thick (she isn’t) and a bit socially inept.

It means a great deal to him for his mother to be a part of his life.

OP posts:
dingdongadingding · 15/07/2018 11:17

Wow she sounds like a massive arsehole.

Just stop giving her head space.

Pluckedpencil · 15/07/2018 11:17

I think you sound a bit controlling honestly. Let your husband open his mouth and back off. It's really not going to kill your ds for dh to be 'off message'. Ds really is unlikely to give a monkey's when this earth shattering piece of news is delivered. These kinds of micro aggressions towards dh on your part will damage your relationship for no purpose whatsoever. I'd be pissed off in dh overanalysed like this and made molehills into mountains

frasier · 15/07/2018 11:19

Even if you’re “a bit thick” doesn’t mean you’re a bit nasty.

If DH says “It’s just how she is”, tell her “and this is just how I am”. He can’t have it both ways.

DarlingNikita · 15/07/2018 11:21

Were you rude to SIL when she called you a child? Or did you just calmly ask her to treat you like an equal?

If the latter, there is no reason to wish you'd kept your mouth shut. And the comments about your stillbirth are far far worse anyway.

Original poster
CantankerousCamel · 15/07/2018 11:21

I suppose it could be percived as me being controlling, I do worry about the affect of this ‘feud’ on the family and wish it would just be politely ignored or dealt with. However MIL has made no qualms about making derogatory comments about DH’s late father.

I don’t put it past her at all to discuss with the children what an awful person I am, if ever she got the chance.

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Pluckedpencil · 15/07/2018 11:21

Ok, just saw that you gave a whole load of extra context. So you don't like her and she hates you. But it doesn't mean you need to pick on dh. He was just trying to defend his mum to ds, it's his mum, it's natural. I think you are using this to get upset about a past issue honestly.

Gemini69 · 15/07/2018 11:21

I wouldn't waste my breath on someone like this.... close the door Flowers

Clairetree1 · 15/07/2018 11:22

non issue

Original poster
CantankerousCamel · 15/07/2018 11:23

Darling

No I doubt I was rude, just probably a bit young and frankly quite horrified that someone who was only 10 years my senior was drunkenly patting my head and calling me a ‘sweet girl’ and telling me what newspaper to read.

It was all in all a very odd experience.

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Pluckedpencil · 15/07/2018 11:24

She sounds horrible by the way, I'm sorry you went through that xx

Original poster
CantankerousCamel · 15/07/2018 11:25

Okay. So here’s another thing, I’m quite happy to BU if people feel it’s not going to affect DD1.

She now wants to send presents for all the children down, DH said so they’re in time for the other two birthdays, but I sort of feel we should give them all to them together so DS1 doesn’t feel his is the only one that was forgotten and then next year DH can remind her.

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