To tell DH to stop MIL doing this?

[CantankerousCamel]

It’s DS1’s birthday

My mum lives in Brisbane and provided a bit of money for a thoughtful gift and sent a moonpig card.

mil, as she does every birthday, ‘forgot’ it was his birthday and only on prompting from DH (in front of me while DS1 opened his gifts) ‘remembered’

So DH sayings ‘oh your other nana is being a bit more crap, she’ll send something next week’

I don’t want my son to feel like an after thought or like they are somehow connected.

I just want him to be able to experinence his birthday (for once) without these people showing him how little they care.

You’re his dirty little secret. He never praises you. . In that case you have a dh problem. You’ve brought 3 children into the world plus coping with vile inlaws and a miscarriage. Shame on him.

OK, then there's a DH problem to sort out then here too. I meant step back when his mum comes to town. I didn't mean he gets to award her all the prime 'family time' over high days and holidays. You can say no to some of that, or limit it. And if your immediate thought is 'he's going to be resentful if I do' then it sounds like he is resentful anyway, so you may as well draw a line that benefits you. It's about stepping back some of the time and letting him interact with his mum without you being there, and also not feeling you have to give in to what he/she wants with regard to contact all over the country.

She’s his wife,it’s not a covert relationship.they live as a family
Hardly a dirty lil secret

Pressed too soon
He calls his you dirty little secret?his wife,mother of his kids. Vile
I can see no redeeming features to this man

No I’m definitely not his dirty little secret, we’ve been together since we were kids. He claims he just isn’t very into social media but I’ve explained to him that actually, what would benefit us all here is if he stopped being passive about how happy we are.

It’s like he worries talking about me will upset them.

I had a chat with him about it last week actually, because we don’t have any family photos involving me. Basically I make plans for us all and then all the pictures are of him and the kids

Common wife problem I imagine.

I can’t usually make myself read a full thread about family feuds but this is so sad. I think the birthday present thing is a bit of a red herring really. You have been treated appallingly by the dh’s family on numerous occasions. You have tried to deal with the issue for your dh’s sake. Your attempts to sort things out have been rebuffed or ignored and your dh does not support you or even really acknowledge your existence to them. You must be so hurt and I’m afraid I think this is really a husband problem. It doesn’t seem to me as though you are asking him to go nc or choose between you & his family. You would like to feel that you and his children come first. It seems he is a son first, then a father and his role as husband is at the end of his list of priorities. This is not adult behaviour. He can show loyalty to you without cutting his mother out of his life and you have a right to feel cared for here. No wonder you are sad. I think the answer lies in couples therapy, I’m afraid. It seems your dh has no concept of how this makes you feel and he doesn’t care to listen to you. Would a 3rd party help? Would he consider it?

No, he doesn’t call me that. Sometimes it feels like that because he doesn’t redeem me to his family. He’s been completely passive about the whole situation for years, for a decade even. No wonder they can pass me off as the anti christ, he never shares anything to suggest anything different

No,I can assure you not a common way for a partner/husband to be
The more you type the worse it gets
Why aren’t you in any group photos?its as if you're airbrushed out

I'm confused as to know what to say really. I don't want to put my situation onto yours.

We have been in a very similar situation. We had a stillborn son and a daughter who died neonatally, and the way PILs treated us at that time has resulted in us cutting them out of our lives.

It wasn't easy or done overnight, it took about four years from the loss of our son to walking away from them for good. Things had been difficult with them before that but losing the children and the cruelty we experienced from them as a result was the final straw.

I wouldn't say that we were the type to bear a grudge. It's not about a grudge, it's about protecting ourselves and the child we went on to have from two people who are cruel and spiteful and selfish and manipulative and controlling.

During the course of those four years, they drove me to have panic attacks and tried to split up our marriage.

Perhaps the difference here is that we live in the same town and you live very far away from your MIL.

But in all honesty, I disagree with you when you say this "I realise the situation between me and her is not ideal but I am concerned about how things affect the children more."

I think the affect on the children from maintaining a relationship with a selfish, manipulative woman is worse than not having one at all.

They see her refusing to speak to you and you still going out of your way to accommodate her.

They see her making and breaking arrangements and disappointing them, just because she feels like it.

They see her badmouthing every effort you make.

They see her being critical of you and getting away with it.

You feel that she would badmouth you to them if she had the chance.

They see her forgetting their birthdays, and you and your DH disagreeing in how to manage that. You can only try to manage that so far but as they get older they are going to know that she doesn't think of them and has to be reminded.

They see the damage she has caused to your relationship with their father.

How is any of that worth maintaining? She doesn't care about them enough to send a card or gift on time or let them have a nice day out. The affect of keeping a relationship with her only looks like a bad one to me. Again, I may be viewing this through my own experience and I'm not meaning to be critical of you. I just don't see what good you think they are getting from having her in their life.

But I think if that's the decision you have made and want to stick to, being honest with them is the way to go.

Tell them the truth about her. Don't try to protect them by pretending she remembers their birthday. Tell them she forgets everybody and it's not their fault, it's hers. Let your DH say that she's crap. She is crap.

When our estrangement happened one relative got really angry with us because, in her words, she was trying to keep the peace and we weren't rewarding her for it.

When I asked her whose peace she was keeping she couldn't answer me. Because she wasn't keeping our peace, she was treating us really badly. And she wasn't keeping her own peace, because she was angry and upset.

And that's what I see when I read your posts. You're trying to maintain a relationship for someone else's sake but none of you seem any happier for it.

Your MIL is still awful, you are still annoyed and upset, your DH is still arguing with you, your children are still being forgotten and treated as second best.

So while I'm not telling you to cut yourself and your children off from her, I am wondering what you and your children are getting out of this relationship that is better than not having one.

And I would suggest looking at that and asking yourself what you think your children will gain if you are able to manage her 'forgetfulness' for a few years and keep it from them, when ultimately they're going to get older and realise it was all you and not her anyway?

You can all still have a relationship with her, but it will be more realistic and honest on your side. What she makes of that is up to her but why are you and your husband working to maintain an image for her that is false when she clearly doesn't care enough herself to make it real?

Get I’m sure he would consider it but really I don’t think we can afford it.

Yes sometimes I am very sad but we do really have a lovely time.

Hygge

When DD was stillborn it was the worst thing that had ever happened to me and I feel like DH failed completely to protect me from them, I can easily see why it stopped you having a relationship with IL’s and why it affected your relationship with DH. It split us up for 2 years and I really don’t want to go through that again. It’s insidious as you know, I started looking for other things he wasn’t doing that meant he didn’t love me essentially because he had proved he didn’t.

MIL arranged to come on the due date of baby who had been still born at 28 weeks. I said I really didn’t want to see anyone that day and had maintained that for some time and about everyone. MIL phoned and DH instantly arranged to see her that day, I told him I’d already said any day but that one and he then said he would take my 18 month old DS and see her on his own for the weekend.

So leaving me along effectively. I basically kicked him out until he told her not to come because he refused, completely, to deal with it. The incident became ‘proof’ of me being irrational.

*leaving me alone

Has he ever acknowledged he was wrong for meeting his mother that day. Or to anything else?

Is he keeping contact with her and doing as he is told because he desperately wants a relationship with her like she has with sil?

Just he sounds like the family scapegoat and truly in the fog.

Your DH is the problem here, just as much as MIL; a 10 day holiday with your kids while you are at home with a 4 week old? Leaving you alone on the due date of your stillborn baby (and I am so, so sorry for your loss, just awful)? Massively unfair and infuriating. He’s a giant mummy’s boy and a totally insensitive pratt.

Her you can mostly ignore, he is the one dragging her into your lives and largely at your emotional expense. Can you find a way to let him know how this makes you feel without it becoming a “me vs her” thing? This is where therapy can be so helpful, especially couples therapy.

OP. You have done nothing wrong so don't fret over an entirely reasonable remark you made years ago or anything you've done since.
Your DC won't be hurt by anyone else forgetting their birthdays so long as you don't.
Your DH really has to change his thinking. And I wouldn't have MIL in my house while she continued to treat me like this and overrule my wishes.
You are not in the wrong here, they are.

Minty therapy just isn’t accessible for some couples, for a start we always have care of the children, so until the youngest starts school that wouldn’t be possible.

A lot was sorted between us around the split and the getting back together. I put my foot down RE the holidays away without me and I said we needed to try and develop a better relationship with his family to prevent the situation happening again.

His sister actually said I would need to stand in front of her and offer a ‘formal apology’ to put into perspective what a jumped up, snob she is.

Yes, I am aware I am the most hurt here expecting the least from anyone.

But that’s how it is and I’m unsure how to change it all right now

Sorry Camel, didn’t mean to suggest something unworkable. I know how hard it is with young kids, my youngest doesn’t start school until next year so I get the issue.

I’m glad you at least sorted the going away with her and without you issue; that was unacceptable.

His sister sounds like a dick. I have to ask though, could you find a way to make that apology? Can you weigh up what it would cost you to say those words versus what you could gain from it? I am not saying you should, or that she deserves it or that it would not stick in your throat, just asking you to think about what you might gain.

Minty

No, I don’t believe I have anything to apologise for. I’ve been in general a good wife to DH and he is happier with me.

You have a DH problem...

Fair enough.

I agree this is a problem with dh

I am willing (fundamentally) to sit and break bread with his family because they’re his family, regardless of past issues and I think I’ve been pretty fair in that.

They are not prepared, despite smaller and less emotionally harmful reasons.

I want to make him see that this is actually a problem between him and his family, which is now bleeding into our family life because, if she really gave a shit about the kids then I would totally agree that having her around was important for them, but she increasingly shows that she doesn’t care about them much at all.

So how do I speak to him about this? Because I just get emotional and he gets defensive. He believes me being upset and speaking to him when I am upset is ‘worse’ than him being passive about all this and allowing this to all build. I feel differently.

He thinks it’s worse because he can’t fix it and makes it want to go away. Men like to fix things. I asked you some questions. You didn’t answer.

I think you should try to answer my questions because you need to know why he wants to keep in contact with women, who’ve treated you so despicably.

I don't think your original complaint, about DH's comment re the present, was reasonable. However, you have now put it into context, and I can see exactly why you've reacted with so much annoyance. Essentially, just about everything he's ever done with regard to his mother has ended up hurting you, so you're now primed to look for the hurt in anything to do with her. This is sensible, as you're trying to protect yourself.

However, as this incident shows, this situation can't go on. It's your son's birthday, and instead of being happy, you're angry and miserable. Your real problem is with your husband. He is unbelievably weak! Not even including you in family photos on Facebook? That's ridiculous. "I don't do social media" is a convenient lie.

I'm glad you put your foot down about him taking the kids away from you for long periods. I'm so sorry about your baby, and the incident with him trying to take your son out and leave you alone on your baby's due date is astounding. No, there was nothing irrational about you reacting badly to that little plan.

Try to 'park' this for today. It's your son's birthday, the weather is lovely, go have fun! Don't let that awful woman ruin today.

However, you are going to have to talk to your husband. Try writing everything down - what is wrong, and what changes do you want to see. This isn't about having a row, it's about working together to put in boundaries to save your marriage. Forget trying to make up with his family. It's too far gone for that. You need to protect your mental health, and stop the children from being negatively impacted by his awful family. Stop trying to make everything better by being nice - as a pp has pointed out, it's not getting you anywhere, is it?

Now, in the nicest possible way, bugger off and have some fun

Has he ever acknowledged he was wrong for meeting his mother that day. Or to anything else?

He didn’t meet her, I ‘made’ him cancel because I’m so unreasonable (is how it was spun)

Is he keeping contact with her and doing as he is told because he desperately wants a relationship with her like she has with sil

He just doesn’t want to believe that she doesn’t care about his family. He paints it all off as her being a bit thick or a bit naieve.

Just he sounds like the family scapegoat and truly in the fog.

He is, the issue is that it makes me out to be this evil person and I think in their clamour to attack me, they’re forgetting to care for him or the kids

Arum

DS1 is actually at his best mates birthday party today this afternoon, after that we might all go to the river for a dip.

I’ve tried to tell him why this sort of thing brings up so much and how his mother basically showing that she doesn’t really give a shit really makes me question why we have anything to do wirh her at all.

I have tried to tell him that him being passive is really not helping and that I won’t really accept it anymore but mostly I’ve told him that I’m scared that this is going to end our marriage eventually, as it has before x