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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask PIL not to visit me hours after giving birth?

381 replies

Sunnydays19 · 15/07/2018 07:25

I'm due to give birth soon to dc2 and have decided this time around I will probably only want to see my mother and my partner after the birth. I had visitors straight away after 1st child and looking back it was all too much. Am I being unreasonable to ask PIL to wait until I am ready (or home until they visit) despite the fact I will want to see my mum (especially as she will be looking after DD). I know MIL will be very annoyed but should it be my feelings I should take into account not hers??

OP posts:
NotAsGreenAsCabbageLooking · 16/07/2018 18:57

@GreatDuck

We were getting ready to leave, I was trying to dress him... but having never dressed a baby before, wasn’t super quick at it... she started to help and then took over.

I tried to say ‘thanks, it’s ok... I’ve got it now’, but was just kind of edged over. I know I should’ve been more assertive, but having had a baby in the early hours of that day, after a 58 hour labour, I was just too tired and emotional.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 16/07/2018 19:05

Ah that's pretty rough. She may have thought she was helping you but she shouldn't have tread on your toes.

MrsAidanTurner · 16/07/2018 19:06

Londener how can you possibly comment if you have admittedly nice in laws??

For many of us, putting baby first is putting ourselves first because the baby is relying on us and our in laws are not nice.

BounceAndClimb · 16/07/2018 19:09

@londonerlove thats not putting your baby first though. If we're purely thinking of their needs we would be allowing them to adjust to having just been born and letting them rest and realise their mum is consistantly there, not handing them round groups of people!

NotAsGreenAsCabbageLooking · 16/07/2018 19:10

@GreatDuck it definitely wasn’t malicious in anyway, I just don’t think it occurred to her what she was taking away from me. I’d be ok with telling my own family ‘Oi! I want to do that!’ even if they did overstep the mark. But with ILs.. I don’t have that lifetime of communication behind me to feel that comfortable...

whittingtonmum · 16/07/2018 19:12

I asked for everyone (except dh and my mum) to wait until we invited them because I didn't know how well I would feel after giving birth. Turns out I had a long and complicated labour, lost a lot of blood, went into shock, had the A&E crash team rush in and all sorts. The doctors were also concerned about the baby's health and I had to get lots of tests done with him in the week we were in hospital. You can imagine what state I was in. The minute she heard the baby was born (& the details of it) MIL drove to our town, checked herself in the nearest hotel for four nights and demanded to see the baby. To this day I am proud that I stuck to my guns and simply refused to see her in hospital. She of course gave DH a right earful how terrible I was, that my CV was full of holes and how I would never work again. I was in such a terrible state but I am so glad I mustered my last tiny energy reserves and refused to let her add to my trauma. Needless to say our relationship has never recovered from this but we are just about on speaking terms. I am glad she has shown her true colours and I know now what to expect should I or my children - heaven forbid -ever get seriously unwell again. As for the rest: I have a better CV, job and salary than she ever had - in fact better than any of her children, including DH. I don't recommend it doing it my way if you have a chance of reasoning with the MIL but if you have a mean one like mine: stick to your guns. You won't regret it.

ElevenSmiles · 16/07/2018 19:14

If I knew my DIL didn't like me I would take a step back and wait for my DS to visit with the baby.

BustopherJones · 16/07/2018 19:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wibblywobblyfish · 16/07/2018 19:19

With my final child, my mum popped in the evening while I was in hospital post c-section. She brought my DD with her and stayed a few minutes which was just lovely. DP drove her home that night. He came back to pick me up the next day and we took a 20 mile detour on the way back from hospital to pop in in his parents with newborn DS. It was great as we didn't have to make cups of tea or tidy up! Is this a possible compromise for you?

MrsAidanTurner · 16/07/2018 19:21

I have two dd and I will offer help but will then wait and mot assume I'm going to barge in.

Londonerlove · 16/07/2018 19:23

@bounce there is no research to suggest that allowing other people to hold your baby will create inconsistency for your child. In fact most people will argue the opposite.

diddl · 16/07/2018 19:23

" Am I being unreasonable to ask PIL to wait until I am ready "

I don't think so, but also I don't think that there should have to be any great drama/announcement about it.

They visit when they are asked to-be that hospital or home.

Londonerlove · 16/07/2018 19:27

@mrsaiden OP did not suggest she had horrible in laws. Admittedly I am lucky. I genuinely hope that in the future I will have a great relationship with DIL. If I did not then I hope that wouldn’t get in the way of me seeing my grandchild.
We all feel differently to birth. Personally I couldn’t think of anything worse than having no visitors. When pregnant I assumed I would want space, when actually I felt so overwhelmed that I was grateful for the company. I’m not suggesting everyone is like that. But any relationship with PIL is going to be a tricky one. I would rather avoid any way of offending them as they are a huge part of my partners family and also mine.

MsFrizzle · 16/07/2018 19:29

A lot of MILs on this thread by the sounds of it.

Londonerlove · 16/07/2018 19:30

Ps may I add that I am relatively young (I hope) have 3 DC under 5 and definitely not a MIL!

PinguForPresident · 16/07/2018 19:31

YANBU

After the birth you need to rest, have skin-to-skin, feed and concentrate on your baby. And then get some sleep. You don't need to be entertaining anyone.

I'm a midwife. I see so many women desperate to have feeding support, or just close their eyes for a bit, but feel obliged to have various relatives traipse through. It's utterly selfish on the part of the relatives. I've had in-laws trying to get in while the poor woman is still being sutured. I've seen countless babies just start to show an interest in the breast, then be hastily taken off to be passed round relatives who are "just popping in for 10 minutes". And by the time that 10 minutes has turned into half an hour and we've finally shooed them out, the baby has fallen asleep without feeding and it's a long slog to get them interested again.

Stick to to your guns OP.

lily2403 · 16/07/2018 19:32

My first thought was well they are your OH parents if your parent is allowed then his should be, but reading further and the relationship with your MIL it's perhaps best to go with how you feel as no one needs any negativity after giving birth.

Good luck

BlondeVolvo · 16/07/2018 19:36

Yes this @PinguForPresident 🙌🏻

diddl · 16/07/2018 19:37

It's not just about the baby though is it?

If they were in a seperate room-fine!

The world & his wife could go & coo over them.

But whilst they are next to the mum, she shouldn't have to put up with having people there to be "fair".

LoveInTokyo · 16/07/2018 19:38

I think it's unfair to say your mother can visit and your MIL can't.

But your partner should be able to manage his mother and make sure she doesn't outstay her welcome.

BlondeVolvo · 16/07/2018 19:40

@PinguForPresident couldn’t agree more, I’m not particularly close to my in laws and I really don’t want to have my boobs out in front of them nor do I want to be trying to master it with the poor baby shoved under a towel!! I’m having a csection and they (especially my FIL) are certainly not the first people I’d want to see after an operation!!!

AJPTaylor · 16/07/2018 19:42

my pil came to the hospital with each one.
stayed exactly 20 mins. Beamed with pride, told me how wonderful i was and then went. and then waited to be invited to the house.
if they were still alive id rent them out on mumsnet to give lessons on how to be an in law

diddl · 16/07/2018 19:42

"But your partner should be able to manage his mother and make sure she doesn't outstay her welcome."

And therein lies the rub.

londonista · 16/07/2018 19:43

There's clearly a lot of weakass husbands out there!

Daydreamer04 · 16/07/2018 19:44

Pingu oh my! While women are still being sutured in laws barging in! I hope you midwives do some kind of ninja style security and chuck them the hell out!
Some of these mils should be locked in their own homes for a couple of weeks after a grandchild’s birth for their dils safety and sanity!
Shocking behaviour.

Op do whatever you feel you need to. I would bet good money that those on this thread whinging it isn’t fair are mils who can’t see past their own selfish egos.