AIBU to ask PIL not to visit me hours after giving birth?

[Sunnydays19]

I'm due to give birth soon to dc2 and have decided this time around I will probably only want to see my mother and my partner after the birth. I had visitors straight away after 1st child and looking back it was all too much. Am I being unreasonable to ask PIL to wait until I am ready (or home until they visit) despite the fact I will want to see my mum (especially as she will be looking after DD). I know MIL will be very annoyed but should it be my feelings I should take into account not hers??

my pil came to the hospital with each one.
stayed exactly 20 mins. Beamed with pride, told me how wonderful i was and then went. and then waited to be invited to the house.

That's really nice

Londoner who would argue that a newborn benefits from being handed around loads of people just after being born? How does that have any positive impact on the baby?

They need a calm environment to adjust from being in the womb and rest in order to have the best chance at establishing feeding.

@londonerlove *

Def not being unreasonable, I don’t understand why anyone thinks their “right” to see their grandchild trumps the mother’s right to privacy at one of the most vulnerable points in her life - & that’s not just birth, it is the vulnerable & intensely private super-newborn period. Lots people say let pil to shut them up but sod that, u have that newborn period for such a short time in your life, do what u think best.

Totally reasonable. If my MIL were in the same country I’d probably not want her told I’d given birth until I was home and ready, but she is a “special case”. Absolutely allowed to say you want your mum there! Hope you have an undramatic birth x

@bounce we’re not talking a load of people, we’re talking 1-2. We could then argue that the grandmother (maternal) shouldn’t be holding the baby as it’s ‘being passed around.’ That’s a silly argument. It’s unfair for the new mother to take full responsibility in the newborns life. Mother will be tired, not getting any sleep, being woken by babies and doctors constantly, not to mention the struggle of breastfeeding. Having parents or in laws to support would be great. Even if it allows you to have a shower.
Ps @pingu totally understand what your saying but I wouldn’t have dared pull my child off the breast when there was a visitor.

However, I want to see the baby on the first day of its life (obviously providing all is well with mother and child) as my child will also have become a parent.

Thank god there are lots of other mils on this thread who are more reasonable and less self centred than this.

It's not one or 2 though, its likely a minimum of 4, or if grandparents are separated with new partners that's up to 8 people if we're obsessing about keeping things equal and fair.
Alternatively the mum can decide who she wants there to support her initially after giving birth and the other 3-7 people plus siblings can visit after leaving hospital.

If my dil didn’t want me bit did want her mum with her at/after birth I’d think that was normal & not in the slightest offended, it’s not like the baby would know the difference lol! I don’t want to cuddle & introduce infection, viruses etc to newborns & even feel that my smell will confuse them, they literally only need their mum in the first few hours/days/weeks - it’s the smell & heartbeat they know & reassures them. Why anyone would want to stress out a mum or affect that bonding I don’t know...... ego over empathy & taking advantage of a vulnerable person for ridiculous “gain” of being in close proximity to a newborn? Totally beyond me.

I think it’s up to you. I could understand potentially why your inlaws might be upset (they may see it as it’s their grandchild as much as your moms), but I think most women would understand what you’ve been through & seeing your mom is perhaps different (plus she is caring for your other child who you would want to see).

We timed it awfully with our first... inlaws were due to visit the hospital but they let me home in the mean time so they headed to our home instead. I got out the car with the baby, blood on my clothes with a group of them (parent & brother in laws) At the front door waiting for us. I wasn’t overly keen on that. Not because it was inlaws or anything. Just would have been nice to have a little time just us, me get a shower etc.

Bonus of hospital visitors though is they will moderate the number of people & time they are there!

OP, you don't have to have anybody visit you that you don't want. By all means specify it is just your Mum that has close access to your new born. Keep your in laws at arms length all you wish.
However, don't ever come on here complaining that your in laws are just not interested in their grandkids, that they don't help you financially etc.
Making it clear to them that they are not wanted will have repercussions. Not for a while perhaps but slighting someone very deliberately in this way is bound to create bad feeling.
At least, have an honest discussion with them explaining the reasons for your decision. They can then choose to let themselves be involved and interested in their grandchild or whether to keep their distance in case they are continually rebuffed.

i think some of the attitudes on here are downright disgusting.

of course this isn't the time for FAIRNESS.

Would most men be happy to go in for surgery, embarrassing inpatient treatments, exhausted, and then feel up to entertaining their mother in laws before they've even had a chance to shower, rest from the ordeal and gather their strength? no? then why are we putting pressure on women to do the same, like a performing monkey?

sod fair

sometimes a little self protection is needed and this is sorely one of them!

@Londoner : you might not have taken your baby off the breast, but a heck of a lot of mums do. Most women that I've looked after don't want to have their boobs out around their FIL or their own Dad. Which is pretty reasonable. And as a newborn needs v regular access to the breast, visitors that the mum isn't completely happy to BF in front of can really harm breastfeeding.

No woman should feel obliged to have anyone she doesn't want visiting her in hospital after giving birth. There's really no "but..." to it.

slighting someone very deliberately in this way is bound to create bad feeling.

Fucking hell

@bounce it would be two. Mother in law and father in law.
I honestly understand why women don’t want visitors. I completely get they may want the time to themselves it’s a private moment for a lot of people. I, admittedly am not like this but totally understand. What I disagree with is that the maternal grandmother is a visitor and has taken priority over the other grandparents.

Your decision of course. Allowing your Mum to visit but not your pil does seem a bit harsh. The child will be their grandchild too. Usually people don't stay too long for a visit in hospital. If first sighting of the baby is at home they may be tempted to stay a whole.

Tbh i think you ABU, if your mum is allowed then your DP Parents should be included as well. I think a quick peek at the baby would mean the world to them. Yes you gave birth, but imagine how your DP will feel knowing you chose to ban his family but not your's?

@pingu I totally get that. I’m trying to look at it at from both points of view, as the mother who has just given birth and as the MIL. I would find myself feeling uncomfortable and inconvenienced as a mother but I would find it heartbreaking as a MIL. I think as a mother I would rather be in a position of feeling uncomfortable and inconvenienced rather than heart broken.

But that’s my opinion and not one people need to agree with.

But your partner should be able to manage his mother and make sure she doesn't outstay her welcome.

Maybe he doesn't actually fancy having to manage someone with a history of bad behaviour just after his child has been born though? Notice he's not said anything to suggest he wants his DM there.

Not for a while perhaps but slighting someone very deliberately in this way is bound to create bad feeling.

No it isn't. Some people aren't completely ridiculous human beings. Don't judge everyone by your standards.

But its not necessarily just MIL and FIL, unless you're saying step parents should be excluded? And even if you say only biological grandparents are welcome that's still potentially 4 separate visiting times.

Alternatively everyone can realise that the baby isn't about to disappear overnight and that the mum having the support she needs not piles of visitors straight after giving birth is more important the the MILs ego about seeing the baby first.

YANBU
Of course many women are closer to and want the support of their own mothers over that of MILs. Thats not a 'slight' thats perfectly natural.
Its the OP who is going to be going through whats an incredibly stressful, intimate and potentially even traumatic experience.. she should have whomever she feels most supported by there. Its not a theatre experience.
Ive had a terrible birth experience and I cannot imagine how a I would have felt had my MIL rocked up only a matter of hours afterwards..... thankfully they are reasonable decent people who waited to hear how I was and how things had gone and when I actually felt ready and able to see them.
No one knows how a birth is going to be and its not some sort of family holiday everybody gets to have their fair share of..... it should purely be about what makes the mother feel most relaxed and supported.

We had my BIL and SIL (his wife) on the day and asked everyone else to wait.
Would you still think that's awful or is it only awful when a MILs competitive grandparenting with the DM is the issue?

What I disagree with is that the maternal grandmother is a visitor and has taken priority over the other grandparents.

She isn't there as 'the maternal grandmother'. She's there as a MOTHER. Her own child's mother.

@kimber83 couldn't have said it better.

The last person I wanted to see after hours of exhaustion, puffed up on fluids, delirious from the drugs, catheter hanging out of me, 3rd degree tear pain kicking in, haemorrhage, was my bloody in laws. I felt so out of it I didn't even see my parents until the next day. I asked DH if he wanted them to come when my parents did and he said "no chance, my overbearing mother is the last thing you need". If he'd have had a paddy about dc being just as much his child and experience etc and that he wanted them, I don't think I'd have been able to forgive him.

The relationship dynamic between Mum and MIL is rarely the same. Your parents have raised you and it doesn't feel embarrassing to see them when you're in that state, it's comforting and reassuring. Lots of people have a distant relationship with their in laws and it's ok for the Mum as the patient to say no.

This fairness bollocks is utter bullshit in this scenario.

Back in the day (and I have 4 children) I'm sure no-one was so precious about the time after giving birth. OK, you can limit their visit but you can't have your mum and not your partner's mum.

Personally, I was bored shitless in hospital. Bring me some Bolly, a touche eclat and some flowers and you are very welcome. I have no attachment issues and neither do my children.

Each to their own. I stopped at Pizza Express on my way home with no 3 (eat in) so maybe I'm not the one to ask.