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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask PIL not to visit me hours after giving birth?

381 replies

Sunnydays19 · 15/07/2018 07:25

I'm due to give birth soon to dc2 and have decided this time around I will probably only want to see my mother and my partner after the birth. I had visitors straight away after 1st child and looking back it was all too much. Am I being unreasonable to ask PIL to wait until I am ready (or home until they visit) despite the fact I will want to see my mum (especially as she will be looking after DD). I know MIL will be very annoyed but should it be my feelings I should take into account not hers??

OP posts:
Londonerlove · 16/07/2018 20:20

@bounce why a mother in laws ego? Can it not be something more simple like love and joy maybe?

Touchmybum · 16/07/2018 20:21

Yes, I think it's completely unreasonable. I am commenting as a mother of three children all born by c/section, and breastfed. I'd hate to be excluded from seeing my son's newborn! It's only ever a short visit in hospital anyway and I think it's very precious to deny family, who will also love your child dearly, and whom I am sure you will be happy to later turn to for support, the opportunity to meet and greet early on.

shoesarefab · 16/07/2018 20:22

Definitely not. With my second, my inlaws turned up about 15mins after I’d given birth, I had only just gotten out of the birth pool! They had my eldest with them (they were having her overnight) and she then got really upset and didn’t want to leave. I was not impressed. I’m due beginning of Sep with my third and have told my husband in no uncertain terms are they to turn up afain. We aren’t even going to tell them I’m in labour this time (the kids are old enough to stay home this time).

GorgonLondon · 16/07/2018 20:26

I think it's a full house

Back in the day (and I have 4 children) I'm sure no-one was so precious about the time after giving birth

It's 'precious'

OK, you can limit their visit but you can't have your mum and not your partner's mum.

Er, yes you can.

Bring me some Bolly, a touche eclat and some flowers and you are very welcome.

Hi Eddie, how's Pats?

I stopped at Pizza Express on my way home with no 3 (eat in) so maybe I'm not the one to ask.

Wow, you're so cool!!! I hope I can give birth as cool as you!!!

diddl · 16/07/2018 20:27

" but imagine how your DP will feel knowing you chose to ban his family but not your's?"

Well if he's a reasonable guy it won't matter because he'll realise that there are years ahead for a relationship between his parents & child & that not seeing said child immediately post birth won't prevent his parents from loving & forming a bond with their GC.

And if it would well then they don't deserve to know their GC!

Inertia · 16/07/2018 20:27

The key difference here is that OP's mum is going to the hospital to visit and support her own baby, not to take turns at playing Granny Top Trumps.

While the OP is the hospital patient, it's up to her who visits.

My own MIL was the first visitor I had, alomg with DH and DC1, when DC2 was born. That's because she'd very kindly looked after DC1, and was kind and caring and gave me space when I needed it. I'm not anti-MIL at all. I'm very much against treating post-partum women as inconsequential grandchild production lines.

GameOfMinges · 16/07/2018 20:27

Back in the day (and I have 4 children) I'm sure no-one was so precious about the time after giving birth. OK, you can limit their visit but you can't have your mum and not your partner's mum.

When's 'the day'? It's not so long ago that women in the UK routinely spent several days in hospital recuperating after even straightforward vaginal deliveries, with extremely limited visiting times and opportunities. People who hadn't just given birth just had to not be precious about seeing much of the baby for the first few days.

kennycat · 16/07/2018 20:28

Jennielee- Why foof? Why not foof?! We all know what I meant. They are my genitals, I’ll call them what I want. Wink

Londonerlove · 16/07/2018 20:29

@bounce I find that out of the norm but that was your decision.

I’ve already explained before. It would hurt me more as a MIL than as a mother. It’s up to the person what they want to do. I personally find it unfair and yes I do think fairness is important, even more so in this situation. The only person it is benefiting is yourself, so I would put my feelings to the side as I think the consequences are worse as a MIL.

Once again that is just my opinion. Anyone has the right to choose what they want.

BounceAndClimb · 16/07/2018 20:29

If the MIL is the kind to be focused on 'love and joy' rather than 'im the most important so must be there first' then shes not going to be demanding to visit straight after the birth, she would wait until the mum who's just given birth feels up to inviting her.

peppapoops · 16/07/2018 20:30

@GorgonLondon Grin

I think mn should start handing out medals to all the hard core mums out there...

GameOfMinges · 16/07/2018 20:32

The only person it is benefiting is yourself, so I would put my feelings to the side as I think the consequences are worse as a MIL.

This is another example of equal parts sad and ludicrous. We're seeing a lot of that in this thread. There is something very wrong with an attitude that thinks women who've just given birth should be sucking it up to keep other people happy.

GameOfMinges · 16/07/2018 20:33

Oh I forgot to mention there that it's also an assumption that the only person OP not having MIL there is benefitting is her. Her DP has shown no indication of wanting to have to deal with his difficult mother just after his child is born. OP could well be doing him a favour.

BounceAndClimb · 16/07/2018 20:34

@londonerlove why is it out of the norm though? We chose the couple from the family who we are closest to and see the most, which happened to be BIL and SIL.

Why is that suddenly an unacceptable way of choosing who to invite when the MILs competitiveness comes into play? (I say competitiveness as there's been plenty saying none or both should be the only options, which makes it clear its not the need to see the baby straight away that's the issue but the need to ease the MILs jealousy)

diddl · 16/07/2018 20:38

" There is something very wrong with an attitude that thinks women who've just given birth should be sucking it up to keep other people happy."

Absolutely.

If you don't want to put yourself first-fine, that's your choice.

That doesn't make it wrong for someone in the same situation to choose to put themselves first.

Anon12345ABC · 16/07/2018 20:42

YANBU. Ultimately your mum will be there to see her daughter after an exhausting, maybe medical event. If your a man had to go through a gruelling procedure, no one would expect his MIL to be around to keep things fair just because his mum was there to see him too. A MIL is only there to see the baby, a mum is there to see her daughter as well. When it comes to giving birth, the wishes of the mother should always comes first. If you don't want her there, and I don't blame you after last time, then don't have her.

kimber83 · 16/07/2018 20:53

The only person it is benefiting is yourself, so I would put my feelings to the side as I think the consequences are worse as a MIL.

See, i find that attitude downright offensive.

How the fvck would you know who is 'harmed' more in this equation?

YOUR lived experience is NOT that experienced by other people. DO YOU GET THAT?!

Some MILs may be fine at not visiting; some may not want to so early; some may be hearbroken not to see the newborn. Some new mothers may feel fantastic; some may be struggling to deal with post-birth medical issues or bonding. There's a whole spectrum of feeling in MIL and potential new mother.

But no one, no one should think they know what a new mother should or should not do or what is "right" to feel in this circumstance.

If anyone is being rational and caring, they should act like the wellbeing of mum and newborn is paramount.

In some new mums, that'll be helped by lots of social visits from family. Others, may just want a quiet shower and quiet time to recover. Neither is wrong.

But this nonsense that some people are spouting here in this thread about being able to assess the "greatest harm" is really ridiculous - you couldn't possibly comment as a rule! You are not other people! You do not have other people's family dynamics, medical history, and so on!

There is NO RIGHT here.

jwpetal · 16/07/2018 20:55

This post is really sad. You should have both mothers or none. I understand during the birth. However, afterwards is a bit mean and disrespectful to your partner. i understand that you will be in the hospital also and not just the child, but you are one family. The baby ties both sides.

Personally, i would find it easier to see them there and the time is limited.

also, look at this feeling of keeping the mil away and how it feels to your husband. I do understand, but I read so many posts on here from mothers complaining about their mother in laws. Remember, one day you will be a mother in law. how would you like to be treated.

kimber83 · 16/07/2018 20:59

afterwards is a bit mean and disrespectful to your partner.

jwpetal would your DH mind if your mum popped into his ward for a natter the next time he's in for a pile operation, colonoscopy or some other stressful, medical hospital stay? Why not? If you're "one family", eh?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 16/07/2018 21:00

wentmadinthecountry you sound like my kind of woman Wink

londonista · 16/07/2018 21:00

Kimber what a ridiculous post.

GorgonLondon · 16/07/2018 21:04

Why is Kimber's post ridiculous, Londonista?

JennieLee · 16/07/2018 21:07

I liked being visited in hospital. I had a difficult labour - forceps delivery - and tore quite badly.

However, it was good to see people and I enjoyed showing my baby off. (I thought that was quite a normal feeling. I didn't feel like I wanted to be alone with my partner. I didn't think about 'bonding'. Bonding just happened anyway.)

So my stepchildren, my father-in-law, some family friends - everyone piled in in the first few days. Despite being an introvert, I really appreciated their coming..

I think if hospital had booted me out more quickly - I had to stay in for several days - I might have found visits at home more exhausting, if there'd been any sense of obligation to provide tea/biscuits/hospitality etc...

SnuggyBuggy · 16/07/2018 21:07

It's not the responsibility of a post partum woman to manage MILs feelings.

And yes, no man having a difficult, intimate medical procedure would be expected to cope with unwanted visits from in laws. It's always women who have to suck it up and put others first

JennieLee · 16/07/2018 21:15

I think there is a diffence between childbirth and surgery. Surgery is something that happens because you are ill. Pregnancy, although a complicated and sometimes risky, is essentially a joyous event. It brings a new person into the world. You wouldn't necessarily want to look at a wound or a dressing. You would want to look at a baby.

I absolutely agree that visitors shouldn't stay too long. Or if they do stay a while at the new parents' house. they can do useful things. Make tea. Tidy up.

But given how isolating motherhood can be, I think it is good if you can involve other people. And sometimes that involvement can begin at a fairly early stage...