AIBU to ask PIL not to visit me hours after giving birth?

[Sunnydays19]

I'm due to give birth soon to dc2 and have decided this time around I will probably only want to see my mother and my partner after the birth. I had visitors straight away after 1st child and looking back it was all too much. Am I being unreasonable to ask PIL to wait until I am ready (or home until they visit) despite the fact I will want to see my mum (especially as she will be looking after DD). I know MIL will be very annoyed but should it be my feelings I should take into account not hers??

A significant minority of births are surgical, so I'm not sure the two can be so neatly divided.

...last time hours after giving birth both her and my mum arrived at the same time and I was only allowed 1 visitor and my mum being her offered to leave (so I didn't get to see her) and MIL ended up staying hours

She’s had her turn. Now it’s your mum’s turn.

As loved and wanted as DD is, those first few days post partum were more traumatic than joyous and we both were ill. I am sure many will have had much easier times having minor surgery.

YANBU - my MIL came to the hospital whilst I still had my catheter in! I was absolutely mortified.

Think how you would feel like if your DIL said her Mum could see baby but not you?? How long before you are 'ready' for them to visit - one day, one week, one month or some other time in the future ! You might as well tell your PIL to fuck off that you couldn't care less about them or their feelings. One day you might be that MIL and the boot will be on the other foot!

Well plunger im guessing Op going to learn from her mil and not be a massive dick.

I think it’s reasonable for OP DM to go. DM is looking after other DC, who may want to see her mum and new sibling.

Obvs it’s very unpredictable anyway, you may give birth half an hour before visiting times and then not really able to have any visitors. Or it could be the night before etc.

Personally I didn’t mind my PIL coming, but I knew they wouldn’t overstay their welcome. My DM on the other hand....

Of course the patient (i.e. mother) gets to decide who visits in hospital! Childbirth is one time it is completely and totally fine to be utterly selfish.

A woman birthing in hospital is a patient, when you visit a patient in hospital you do so if they are fit and well enough, want visitors and feel comfortable enough around you to be visited whilst vulnerable or messy or bleeding etc. You don't visit a patient in hospital to view their newborn.

An invitation is more likely to be extended to visit the patient in hospital if they feel as though you want to see them and be supportive instead of inspecting the product of the incubator DIL.
My MIL makes me feel like family, she loves me and is interested in my wellbeing. Hence being invited the second the placenta had delivered with DD3 (her first GC) and being present for the labour with DS2. Family is there for support, family don't make demands and waffle on about rights. My MIL would never in a million years have tried to do that, which is exactly why I wanted her there!

@kimber you actually need to chill the f down. ‘There is NO RIGHT here’, then why be so aggressive?
I can feel however I want to feel about the situation. I have explained that my experience is my own and it is my choice.
If you see both sides then why aggressively bash posters who believe a MIL should be there?

@peppa a new mother doesn’t get a medal for turning away their MIL. They should get one for giving birth.

It’s the mother who gives birth and has to sit there with her boobs out to establish breastfeeding, of course you would rather your own mother be there rather than your MIL, to suggest that this is unfair is rubbish.

I dont think some people are gettg where i am coming from.. I am not "banning" the PIL from visiting. They will see DC when I'm fit and ready (possibly the next day depending on time of birth) and not still sat in a bed with a catheter (previous DD was csection)
Having my mum come see me is not about her seeing DGC first.. I will want to see my mum for love and support and a cuddle something I wouldn't get from MIL. I also want my DD to be the first yo meet their sibling. She is only 19 months and I know she is going to find it hard

@pingu I genuinely don’t mean this disrespectfully as all midwives do a great job, just a possible suggestion. What you said before made a lot of sense but....... after I had given birth I was ‘visited’ by pushy mums from breastfeeding groups, who obviously had access to the ward. Yes there are positives to this but when you’re given conflicting and the same advice throughout the day by doctors, nurses and breastfeeding groups it can be quite deflating. This is still a stranger and NOT a professional in the ward.
What I 100% do not agree with is the bloody bounty club. I’ve just given birth and the hospitals clearly have a contract with them. Allowing them to put across a sales pitch, selling products to you after just giving birth. I have a camera next to my bed, I don’t want to feel obliged into paying £50 for a photo when I’m in a vulnerable state.

OP just be aware that even if you do make it clear about rules for visiting then she may not listen anyway.

At the birth of my 2nd child (ExH’s first child - my DD was from a previous relationship) I made it very very clear to PIL that they were to bring DD to the hospital to meet DS but that ExH would go down to meet them in the lobby and bring up DD for a while first so the DCs could meet just and when we were ready ExH would go back down and bring them up.
My DD was 4 at the time and incredibly worried about me and I wanted a short while to reassure her and have a cuddle before any other visitors came.
A nurse came in at the same time as DD to check baby’s hearing etc and then out of the blue (less than 5 mins after DD arrived) PIL were stood in my room!
I have never felt so angry... my DD was distressed and needing reassurance and we specifically asked them several times to wait until they were called up to the ward.

It may sound petty but I will never forgive them for robbing me of those precious moments after all I wanted was a few minutes to introduce my children to each other.

It was definitely done out of spite on MIL behalf because when I asked them after a few mins to pop off to the coffee shop or something and give us the few mins alone I had requested MIL said “I’m not leaving now, your mum was here for the whole birth!”

I was flabbergasted and it resulted in an argument between her and I (one of many many to come). I lay there with a catheter still in, bleeding heavily after just giving birth and she decided she needed some kind of reverence to her position?!

Then after the cross words ensued a nurse ushered her out and she said to ExH “oh don’t take her seriously, she’s just hormonal”.
It still makes me so angry thinking about it

The advantage of their visiting while you are in hospital as you can arrange with the hospital that their time there will be strictly limited. If you wait till you're back home, it will be much more difficult to chuck them out.

@Londonerlove I think you've misunderstood my post.

Everyone is assuming the MILwont visit we home for a few days if she’s been allowed to visit at the hospital? Not the case ime... my MIL was there everyday for the first 3 weeks at some point or other, she’d turn up unannounced and try and stay for hours.
ExH had no issue with it, I obviously disagreed as I just wanted some time to settle into being a family of 4.
Instead it resulted in ExH running around after her, making cups of tea and cooking dinner and chatting to her whilst I was left to my own devices. He even went off to dinner at PIL’s several times in the first few days leaving me with a pre-schooler and newborn because “he was hungry” and I wasn’t cooking.

Eventually my mum came to visit and saw what a state I was in and I packed a bag and went to stay with her for the best part of a month. She was the only person trying to help and looking out for my welfare.

Urghhh I’m so glad they’re my Exfamily

Exactly OP people are going on about fairness but it’s pure selfishness and one upmnanship. A woman should have absolutely no expectation to do something they do not feel comfortable with at a possibly very vulnerable time. What people are essentially saying who disagree with the op is that it should be her or the woman giving birth who should be the one to just suck it up and be making sure everybody is pleased and happy, please can people explain why the mother whose just given birth should be the one to suck it up and why her feelings should come second??

OP You’ve clearly said they can come the following day which is what most people have said, it’s not like you’re banning them you just want time to get yourself sorted and feel a bit more human. Which if you’re not particularly close to your in laws (and as your MIL seems a bit of a nightmare) is more than acceptable. My PIl haven’t been very fair to me over the years, MIL also has a habit of saying the wrong thing (debatable whether it’s just an accident or very passive aggressive). FIL is very bombastic, is loud, takes over and would definitely outstay his welcome - not what you want initially. If your PIl are lovely (lucky you) then it’s a completely different kettle of fish of course but try and understand many aren’t as lucky!!!

Op I think your plan sound completely reasonable. There is nothinh wrong with wanting to see you mum for a bit of comfort and support. And there is nothinh wrong with putting mil off for a day or so.

If I were you I'd not tell mil that your mum is /has visited straight away. Get dh to tell her you and baby are too tired for any visitors and put her off until the next day.

In regards to some of the other comments - My baby was poorly when born so the situation was a bit different - but is it not an infection risk for a day old baby to be handled by multiple? And shouldn't the baby be reserving it's energy for feeding. Birth is traumatic and exhausting for the baby too.

YANBU! It's one thing having a quick cuddle from your mum but after having DD I was off my head on morphine talking nonsense, boobs out, blood on the sheets and catheter dangling from the bed - why would you want anyone to see you like that and why would they want to see you like that?! I know some people are serene and presentable but I wasn't

It's your Dh's parents, and you would like your dm to visit. It's your Dh's baby as is yours. Couldn't you compromise and say limit the visit to 30 mins?

And much easier for a 30 min hosp visit then when you get home. Then it's over and done with. Then stipulate no visitors for a while.

My PIL's came into the room after I'd given birth. I was naked, bleeding and trying to breastfeed. They made me feel even more uncomfortable.

A couple of days later at home when the HV came my MIL loitered in my bedroom and made me feel too embarrassed to ask the questions I wanted to ask like wtf is going on with my vagina and arse hole.

They were round quite a lot and kept saying things that upset me like 'you can hold the baby too much you know', 'why don't you give him a bottle?'
Then my mum upset my husband by accusing him of not looking after me well enough.

When I look back this was all more stressful than having a new baby to look after. Next time I want at least two weeks just me, DH and DCs with no visitors and I would advise any new mother the same. You are not being unreasonable

Ary2017 that is horrific. I'm sorry this happened to you. Why on earth didn't your DH or the midwives tell them to get out when you were naked?