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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel weird about accepting a free house?

160 replies

namechangemaestro · 13/07/2018 18:56

In a nutshell dp's DM has offered to buy us a house. Outright. Just like that.
I'm in shock to be honest and torn between biting her hand off before she changes her mind, and actually rather dubious about the intention and feeling indebted to her.
For context she has form for being neurotic and a bit controlling. We live in a flat at the moment and have a young DC (her 1st GC).
The area she lives in is close by and rather affluent, and would actually be a lovely place to raise children. She offered to buy us a house in the same area - something we'd never be able to afford. The thing is we have been looking in areas further afield that are new for us to start afresh.
Anyway, am I being ridiculous for even considering turning this offer down? It would take us a long time to save up to live in a nice house and nice area, but will she feel like she can just pop round whenever she feels because she bought it? Will we "owe" her something per se?

OP posts:
chickenowner · 13/07/2018 18:59

Will it be your house or her house? I think this is crucial.

For context - our house was paid for outright by money given to my DP by his parents. But it is his house and his choice.

nakedscientist · 13/07/2018 18:59

My instant response? Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth!
Go through a solicitor and make sure it’s legally yours.

Lucky you!

LanguidLobster · 13/07/2018 19:01

It's in your names? Just take it.

Have the conversation beforehand though that you need your own space, could you set up a weekly Sunday lunch so that all parties are happy?

PorkFlute · 13/07/2018 19:02

If it’s going to be yours then I’d bite her hand off. If she’s being a pita you can always move 😂

SnowOnTheSeine · 13/07/2018 19:02

My instant response - how much will she hold this over you? Will she give the gift freely or will it come with strings attached?

dippydeedoo · 13/07/2018 19:03

I think,it’s a good option- it will either work or it won’t and you’ll only know if you try.
The positives may very well outweigh any negatives and if it doesn’t suit you can move.

Sittingonaspindryer · 13/07/2018 19:03

Will it be in your names?
Will she try to control how you decorate?
Or think she can turn up whenever you want?
What is your relationship like with her in general?

One you might not want to consider - What happens if you divorce? Would she expect you to relinquish any claim?

BarryTheKestrel · 13/07/2018 19:03

Will it be in your name? Can you sell it and move if you aren't happy there?

I'd bite her hand off but make sure it's all legal and above board.

Ellafruit1 · 13/07/2018 19:04

Don’t move anywhere you’re not happy to. Imagine you’re buying it with your money and if she tries to control anything about it that sways your decisions don’t do it!

OR just let her buy anything for you and move to wherever you want ASAP?! Assuming it’s in your names.

Sittingonaspindryer · 13/07/2018 19:04

And another one - depends how old she is - is there any possibility that she might decide she no longer wants to live independently and that moving in with you is a good idea that you feel obligated to allow?

thebear1 · 13/07/2018 19:08

I would be concerned about what kind of input and control she would have once moved in. I would have to think very carefully.

mayhew · 13/07/2018 19:09

We have bought a flat which is a home for our daughter and partner. There is no way she could afford to buy and we would like her near us in London.
However, we do plan to transfer it into her name or else transfer her the sale proceeds when they need a bigger property. We are aware of not making her our dependent and prolonging the child/parent dynamic.

BlankTimes · 13/07/2018 19:09

will she feel like she can just pop round whenever she feels because she bought it? Will we "owe" her something per se?

This with bells on.

Consider every aspect carefully, have a legal agreement drawn up and really, really understand the moral obligations you may be under if this goes ahead.

What if she gave it to you, you moved in and put it on the market the next week? I have a feeling it would come with conditions to prevent you doing that. It may also be in his name only.

Ansumpasty · 13/07/2018 19:09

Take it!

ReservoirDogs · 13/07/2018 19:11

Are you married to your partner, Ifnot I suspect she will buy it for him and that you won't be on the deeds.

Frouby · 13/07/2018 19:13

Take it.

Use the rent/mortgage money you will save to get a decent deposit together for something else in case it goes tits up.

If I were ever in the position to do this for my dcs though I would try and protect my asset to make sure they are passed onto my dcs when I die.

ijustwannadance · 13/07/2018 19:13

Is your DP an only child?

pinkdelight · 13/07/2018 19:15

Sounds like you're not married to DP. In which case I can't imagine she'll be giving you the house. Won't she be giving it to her DS? What Will the deal be re. who's name is on the deeds? I mean, it's still nice to live rent-free anyway, but as your gut's telling you, nothing really comes for free and you'd be ceding a lot of power over your life to others here. I'd only do it if it enabled you to save up your money so you had financial independence if things went pear-shaped and you lost 'your' home.

Di11y · 13/07/2018 19:17

I like the idea of taking it and saving the rent for somewhere else if she becomes overbearing but be open about needing space before you commi5 and see how she is.

Cleanermaidcook · 13/07/2018 19:18

Not for me. I would feel beholden to her. I would feel I could never say no to any favour she ever asked, any request to come round whenever. I would feel it wasn't my own.
My pil's lived with us for a while (2 year) and even though the house belonged to us, because they contributed financially I always felt that I should defer to their tastes in decor, what they wanted foodwise etc so living in a house that they had paid for outright would be a no.

MikeUniformMike · 13/07/2018 19:18

If something sounds too good too be true...
No such thing as a free lunch...
No such thing as a common law wife...

If it will be in your DP's name and your name, then yes.
Take legal advice not MN advice.

If it is in your DP's name only or in his DM's name, it could go tits up if you and DP split up.

CandleWithHair · 13/07/2018 19:20

Is she well? If she isn’t, beware the PPs message about her moving in, also the potential inheritance tax you’d be liable for if she passed away within the limit (can’t remember but I think it’s something like 7 years?)

Otherwise if it’s to be in your name I’d definitely say yes

Fairenuff · 13/07/2018 19:23

If it will be in your name, accept it, sell it and move to wherever you want to live.

missymayhemsmum · 13/07/2018 19:24

Do you like your dmil? Do you trust her not to abuse the leverage this would give her? would your dp be comfortable with it or would he be infantilised by it? Where has the money come from? I mean it could be a different dynamic if it is 'family money' inherited from dp's grandparents, used to give your children a secure upbringing. Also, I would assume you might not be on the deeds.

HollowTalk · 13/07/2018 19:24

As others have said, she'll be giving it to your partner, not to you. If you're not going to marry, I'd take up her kind offer of the house and then I'd start to save up for my own place, which I'd let out. I would want to be on the housing ladder one way or another.

Or it would make a lovely wedding gift Grin