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AIBU?

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Original poster

To feel weird about accepting a free house?

160 replies

namechangemaestro · 13/07/2018 18:56

In a nutshell dp's DM has offered to buy us a house. Outright. Just like that.
I'm in shock to be honest and torn between biting her hand off before she changes her mind, and actually rather dubious about the intention and feeling indebted to her.
For context she has form for being neurotic and a bit controlling. We live in a flat at the moment and have a young DC (her 1st GC).
The area she lives in is close by and rather affluent, and would actually be a lovely place to raise children. She offered to buy us a house in the same area - something we'd never be able to afford. The thing is we have been looking in areas further afield that are new for us to start afresh.
Anyway, am I being ridiculous for even considering turning this offer down? It would take us a long time to save up to live in a nice house and nice area, but will she feel like she can just pop round whenever she feels because she bought it? Will we "owe" her something per se?

OP posts:
Rosielily · 13/07/2018 20:54

Is she buying the house for your DP or both of you? Whatever the dynamics surrounding the purchase, should this go ahead please seek independent legal advice about your position and that of your child should your relationship break down.

MudCity · 13/07/2018 20:55

Personally there are very few people I would accept this from. Definitely not my in laws or even my parents as it would come at a price. I would rather save up and buy somewhere that is truly mine than be beholden in any way to another person.

It really depends on the kind of person she is.

The other thing that would play on my mind is that, if anything, the house would probably be in your MiL’s or DP’s name rather than yours. You might be fine with that but I would always be aware that it wasn’t actually my house. It could leave you vulnerable (so make sure you put aside money each month for yourself in case your relationship breaks down and you need to find somewhere of your own to live).

NynaeveSedai · 13/07/2018 20:57

If she's only offering to buy you a house in the area she chooses then it's not a gift it's a control mechanism. I would say NOOOOO to that. If your DH comes from money presumably he expects to inherit at some point, or has savings? Even if not, it's better to work for your own home if you can than take a gift with strings attached.

Bluelady · 13/07/2018 20:57

First time buyers don't pay stamp duty, SayNi, it came in last November. It'll be a reason for MiL not to buy in her name.

bluebeck · 13/07/2018 20:57

If it is in both your names then that is great. You can always rent it out or sell it.

I do think you should think about getting married though. Have a little read of the relationship boards if you don't know why.

If it's in her name then I probably wouldn't.

Winebottle · 13/07/2018 20:59

What is your financial position now? Do you rent? Do you share finances with DP? Whose name will the house be in?

My DP was given a house by his father and I didn't it was my place to get involved.

The way I looked at it, I was paying half the rent on the flat we were living in so it was a good deal. But at the same time, it wasn't given to me at all, it was given to DP so I didn't feel I owed them anything.

Obviously I would have needed to make sure my interests were protected if I was selling up property or think about whether I was comfortable accepting a large gift if my name was going on the deeds.

Allthewaves · 13/07/2018 21:00

Could she say give you a very large deposit so you could get an affordable mortgage? That way it's more yours iykwim

InANewYorkMinute · 13/07/2018 21:02

My parents tried this on us when I was pregnant with our second DC.

We declined because we felt they were trying to control us.

8 years down the line we are estranged from them (amongst being controlling it turned out they were a pair of perverts and my father thinks incest is normal).

I cannot tell you how beyond relieved I am that we didn't take their offer and that we didn't move our children within their realm of control.

I am not suggesting in any way that your MIL is a deviant.

Just, really, that if someone wants to lock you close to them it's probably so you don't take a good clear look at them.

gorgeoushazydaysofsummer · 13/07/2018 21:05

If I were to buy a house for my dc and their partner, i’d want the money to stay in my family were they to split up. It’s only natural.

You all need to sit down and have a big talk about expectations around this, how it’s going to work, whose name it will be in, etc.

starspangledbanner · 13/07/2018 21:06

I wouldn't do this.

You say she's neurotic and controlling and I think she will lord it over you forever.

Honestly, it's not worth the aggro.

AcrossthePond55 · 13/07/2018 21:28

If you feel comfortable with the idea itself, then you should ask her if she'd still be willing to buy you a house of your choice, not hers "in that area further afield that is new for us to start afresh". If not, then the offer has too many strings attached to it for me.

Personally, if my child wasn't married to his/her partner I'd want the house to have the purchase price ring-fenced.

halfwitpicker · 13/07/2018 21:30

No such thing as a free lunch...
No such thing as a common law wife...

^

My new saying I think Grin

halfwitpicker · 13/07/2018 21:33

I'd go for it IF your names are on the deeds and only BOTH your names, not just your DP.

Otherwise buy it yourself, but have your name on the bloody deeds.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 13/07/2018 21:34

In fairness why would his mum put a girlfriend on the deeds,mil will be looking out for her son

Bluelady · 13/07/2018 21:37

I did point out that DP could add OP's name to the deeds for about £100 post purchase. Why don't people RTFT?

Bluelady · 13/07/2018 21:38

And MiL wouldn't know whose name was on them anyway as she won't be signing the contract.

AcrossthePond55 · 13/07/2018 21:57

Blue I suppose she could insist on seeing the deeds before she hands over the check, but you're right, they could change them later. I'd actually have a lien put on the house for the purchase price so that if they ever split I'd get my money back once the house was sold. If they ever get married and/or have a child together, I'd remove the lien.

Bluelady · 13/07/2018 22:09

They already have a child. And the contract is signed before the money is paid, it has to come from the account of the person whose name the house is in. MiL has no say.

Original poster
namechangemaestro · 13/07/2018 22:18

I think if/when we sit down and go through everything I'll make it clear that I'd like to pay her "rent" providing my name is on the deeds. If it isn't I'm sure dp would put my name on them, if not then there would be some serious thinking to do regarding commitment. My thinking is she wants DC to be in a nice area with opportunities, so surely not putting my name on would be quite silly, as if we did split then I'd have to move way out of the area.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 13/07/2018 23:06

My thinking is she wants DC to be in a nice area with opportunities, so surely not putting my name on would be quite silly, as if we did split then I'd have to move way out of the area

I'm not sure how that would work though? If this was an outright gift and your name was on the deeds then any split would mean you'd get half the value of the house ... but would you be able to buy another house in the same area with that?

WeirdScenesInsideTheGoldmine · 13/07/2018 23:08

There’s no way in hell I’d stick my children’s partner on deeds

Justtheonequestion · 13/07/2018 23:09

I also would NOT do it. It will be yours, but will never be yours.
It also isn't FREE.
If she is controlling there will be conditions and once you are settled you won't want to move back to where you are so you will be stuck.
Think very carefully. Distance is a marvellous thing

MyOtherProfile · 13/07/2018 23:12

There’s no way in hell I’d stick my children’s partner on deeds
Nor me. I would their spouse though.

FiestaThenSiesta · 14/07/2018 00:12

“There’s no way in hell I’d stick my children’s partner on deeds.”

Yup. I think you’re naive thinking it’s a gift to you. And I don’t see why your partner would be putting you on the deeds. It’s his mother and his early inheritance.

wafflyversatile · 14/07/2018 00:29

Would the offer be withdrawn if your dp said 'that's lovely we've seen a lovely house in lovely neighbourhood just 8 miles away from where you live,mum'?

What if you wanted to move to another town in a couple of years?

If you did take up the offer you would be wise to put the money you would spend on rent into some sort of savings. Don't absorb it into day to day spending.