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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel weird about accepting a free house?

160 replies

namechangemaestro · 13/07/2018 18:56

In a nutshell dp's DM has offered to buy us a house. Outright. Just like that.
I'm in shock to be honest and torn between biting her hand off before she changes her mind, and actually rather dubious about the intention and feeling indebted to her.
For context she has form for being neurotic and a bit controlling. We live in a flat at the moment and have a young DC (her 1st GC).
The area she lives in is close by and rather affluent, and would actually be a lovely place to raise children. She offered to buy us a house in the same area - something we'd never be able to afford. The thing is we have been looking in areas further afield that are new for us to start afresh.
Anyway, am I being ridiculous for even considering turning this offer down? It would take us a long time to save up to live in a nice house and nice area, but will she feel like she can just pop round whenever she feels because she bought it? Will we "owe" her something per se?

OP posts:
Bluelady · 13/07/2018 20:05

That's how we saw it too, Hollow Talk. What he doesn't know is the money he's paying will be stashed away and he'll get it back when I die.

No partner, but he's so fussy that'll probably never be an issue!

HollowTalk · 13/07/2018 20:08

You sound a lovely mum, @Bluelady!

Bluelady · 13/07/2018 20:11

Thank you. It just made sense and I was sick of him being at the mercy of shit landlords and letting agents. My dad left me the money so it was never really mine.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 13/07/2018 20:13

will she feel like she can just pop round whenever she feels because she bought it? Will we "owe" her something per se?

Since you've said she has form for being "neurotic and controlling" I'd say this is a given

Personally I'd run a mile as I prefer to fund myself, even if that mean what I can afford is "less". If you do go for it though - and especially if you're not married - I'd definitely keep the flat and rent it out so you'll have somewhere to go if it all goes wrong

LilQueenie · 13/07/2018 20:13

No never. One disagreement and things could change. I'm pretty sure at some point it will be mentioned that 'oh I bought you a house'. Particularly when it comes to the grandchildren.

Dp was given money and bought a house. Now they claim its actually his brothers house because it was his money. Truth is it was his and is brothers money but the brother is a lost cause so it was all handed to dp. Twisted.They also refuse to give back the key.

Batmanthedude · 13/07/2018 20:14

I would in a second. I hate renting with a passion my one dream is to own my own home but it will never happen.

SandAndSea · 13/07/2018 20:20

If you're not married, will it just be in your DP's name? This could massively affect your long-term financial security.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 13/07/2018 20:20

What would be better would be for her to give her dp a deposit, then for you & him to buy together. Ring fence the deposit, so that if you ever split up, he would get his deposit back and then you & he split the rest of the value of the house. That way you benefit from the cash injection by mil. But you protect yourself by being on the housing ladder

Beautifully put

PlatypusPie · 13/07/2018 20:21

The lack of gratitude and suspicion promoted on here for an amazing offer is stunning.

Bluelady · 13/07/2018 20:21

That isn't what's on offer, though, is it?

Readyfortheschoolhols · 13/07/2018 20:25

You know she will feel entitled to name your future dc at the very least. .
And move in when she reaches dotage.

And choose decor /furnishings. .

Puzzledandpissedoff · 13/07/2018 20:28

Bluelady if you mean the point about giving a deposit you're absolutely right; however I believe the PP and myself were admiring it as an idea, rather than something which could or should be suggested

I also agree that in some families this could work brilliantly, but given what OP said about the lady's attitude I'd personally have my doubts about this particular one

Bluelady · 13/07/2018 20:29

You're all being fucking ridiculous. She wants to give her family security and not give a shitload of money to the taxman. It's really sickening how mothers in law are regarded on here. You have zero evidence for your cynical assumptions.

Tistheseason17 · 13/07/2018 20:31

Yep, get it drawn up legally, though.

Herja · 13/07/2018 20:35

My grandma gave me the money for a house which I'm slowly paying back (a few hundred a month). It will be payed back a while after she's died tbh - set up legally so possible - but I will eventually pay her/her estate the money. In the mean time the house is owned in my name, but she has a charge on it. Would something like that be possible if you don't feel comfortable with her just buying it?

Personally I'd be looking in the estate agent already BUT only if it would be viewed by everyone as yours and DPs house, rather than hers to come and go as she pleased. Will you get full choice over which house is bought? Who's name on the deeds - yours too, or just DPs?

FiestaThenSiesta · 13/07/2018 20:38

There’s no such thing as free lunch?! What, you charge your kids for lunch? Of course there is such a thing as a free lunch when it’s coming from your own mum. The OP is being a bit silly thinking she’s going to be getting half the house if she’s not married, however.

Troels · 13/07/2018 20:38

I have sons and if I could I'd buy my sons a house each outright. As it is I could only help a little with the deposit and will do the same for Dd one day.
I think so long as it's done legally and MIL can't come back and decide which house, where and how you live in it, then it's all good.

Original poster
namechangemaestro · 13/07/2018 20:39

Thanks for all the replies, and for giving me some fat to chew over. I hadn't considered whether she'd expect to move in in her old age. And im not sure yet whether it would be her buying the house and her name on the deeds, or whether it was her giving the money for us to then buy in our names. Definitely what I need to be checking!
In my heart I do think it comes from a good place, I am just so taken aback - I don't come from money at all and am certainly not used to such large financial gifts - DH however has had this kind of thing his whole life and barely bats an eyelid at it!

OP posts:
Original poster
namechangemaestro · 13/07/2018 20:41

I like the idea of paying her rent each month personally

OP posts:
cherish123 · 13/07/2018 20:43

Whose name will it be in. Presumably DP's. If you are not married, I assume it won't be in your name. If in DP's name he should just take it. He will inherit in the long run.

Bluelady · 13/07/2018 20:45

Paying rent's a good plan, OP. It puts boundaries in place.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 13/07/2018 20:50

In my heart I do think it comes from a good place

Despite what you said about her attitudes, if you both really believe this I can quite see you'd want to consider the offer

However I really wouldn't let the fact you're "not used to this" blind you to the legalities and possible complications. In view of the money you'd be saving, would it be worth investing a bit in having a frank and open chat with a solicitor?

SoftSheen · 13/07/2018 20:51

Accept it and be thankful, PROVIDED the house is actually in your name. MIL may be doing this as a means to avoiding inheritance tax. You may end up seeing a bit more of her, but is she so bad that this would really be unbearable? Owning a mortgage free house whilst you are still young will give you an incredible amount of freedom.

Bluetrews25 · 13/07/2018 20:54

She's got form for being neurotic and controlling?
No thank you, with bells on.
She will be round all the time.
She will expect you to be available to her whenever she wants
You will 'owe' her, in her head, until you repay the debt whether that is with cash or with favours / attention / visits (which do not count, but still have to be given)
And, yes, she will likely expect to move into 'her' house with ready-made carers when older.
Seriously, been there, and it was only a loan of a much smaller amount from my once-lovely DM, but it changed the dynamic of the relationship. Ruined everything. And she was a bit peeved when we repaid the debt. To say the least.
Don't do it. You will forever be beholden. She is 'buying' your DC.

SayNoToCarrots · 13/07/2018 20:54

What's this first time buyers zero stamp duty business? I paid stamp duty on my first house . . .