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AIBU?

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Original poster

To feel weird about accepting a free house?

160 replies

namechangemaestro · 13/07/2018 18:56

In a nutshell dp's DM has offered to buy us a house. Outright. Just like that.
I'm in shock to be honest and torn between biting her hand off before she changes her mind, and actually rather dubious about the intention and feeling indebted to her.
For context she has form for being neurotic and a bit controlling. We live in a flat at the moment and have a young DC (her 1st GC).
The area she lives in is close by and rather affluent, and would actually be a lovely place to raise children. She offered to buy us a house in the same area - something we'd never be able to afford. The thing is we have been looking in areas further afield that are new for us to start afresh.
Anyway, am I being ridiculous for even considering turning this offer down? It would take us a long time to save up to live in a nice house and nice area, but will she feel like she can just pop round whenever she feels because she bought it? Will we "owe" her something per se?

OP posts:
EarlyDinn3r44 · 14/07/2018 10:45

Look at CAB or Gov.uk if in UK the difference between married and being single. You are both single, you are paying for a mortgage which you currently have no financial stake in for the future.

cherish123 · 14/07/2018 12:32

If you are not married, it would be unreasonable to expect her to put your name on the deeds. In fact, she would be stupid to do it. I am not saying everyone has to be married and people do divorce. However, there must be a reason why you are not and that's fine but you can't then expect to be entitled to the same rights as a married couple - i.e picking the good bits. If she is buying her son a house, it is really his decision. Obviously, you could object to living in it, but that would be a bit silly. Your other half could keep his fla on and rent it out if he wants to feel independent and and less "kept" by his mother.

tillytoodles1 · 14/07/2018 12:41

Be aware that you might regret it. My Grandparents bought my parents a house outright as a wedding present, and my mum said she had no life due to Grandma being there all the time, just popping around and letting herself in.
The house was about 10 doors away, and in the end , they moved away as they couldn't stand it any longer, It caused a row, but my dad was an only child and they adored him.

missperegrinespeculiar · 14/07/2018 12:46

My PIL offered this to us years ago, we said no, worried about boundaries etc., I still regret it, we would be in a much better position financially, now

BischBaschBosch · 14/07/2018 12:48

You’ve been with him SEVEN years, you’ve had a child together, he hasn’t married you and yet you’re not on the deeds of the flat and you’re paying half the mortgage?

You have no claim to anything in the event of a split. Please wake up to how precarious your position is.

Jaxhog · 14/07/2018 12:54

I'd say yes! If only because, currently you have no secure roof over your head. Your flat is owned by your partner, who could throw you out at any time. I'm not saying he would, but most non-marrieds do split up.

Say thank you, but discuss what she actually means e.g. who's name would be on the deeds, where would she want the house to be, does she expect you to pay her in some way etc. Don't assume she has an ulterior motive. It may well just be that she's concerned about your future with a man you aren't married to and living somewhere that you don't own.

Jaxhog · 14/07/2018 12:57

Gotcha! Just realised it's your MiL who's offering, not your DM! I don't see the problem in that case, as it's really up to him. Unless she's offering to buy a house for BOTH of you (unlikely). In which case, bite her hand off.

Jaxhog · 14/07/2018 12:58

And stop paying the mortgage. Save it instead for when you split up. You'll need it.

category12 · 14/07/2018 12:59

What are you doing about your own security, op?

Cheby · 14/07/2018 13:00

Christ OP. Stop paying towards a house you have zero claim on. Get him to put you on the deeds of the current place. Or stop paying immediately.

Tidy2018 · 14/07/2018 13:08

Mil may well be gifting in order to avoid potential future care home costs, which can reach almost £1,000 weekly for self-funders. Has she made provision for this?

Is she making a similar gesture to DP's siblings? Do you know them well enough to ask about family dynamics?

Even if this gift comes with the best of imtentions, it sounds like a bit of a minefield legally and emotionally. Things can fall apart very fast in families. Please see a solicitor and herd the advice of pp.

thricethebrindledcat · 14/07/2018 13:09

Nothing comes for free, OP, there will be a price on this 'gift' sooner or later.

Racecardriver · 14/07/2018 13:13

I think it depends on whether you feel like you can trust your mother. I hope to be able to buy my sons houses one day. I would never, under any circumstances use it against them in any way because its shit when people do that.

Bluelady · 14/07/2018 13:14

Care home fees can be up to £1500 a week in a decent place. It really isn't the place of OP or her partner to inquire into MiL's provision for her potential future care. If our kids started inquiring into our finances they'd be put back in their box at the speed of light.

Evalina · 14/07/2018 13:18

I think your DP should accept the offer from his DM, and that he should also sign the flat that you currently live in totally over to you. You can then rent that out to cover the mortgage on it.

I'd also seriously think about getting married, or finding another way to protect yourself financially in the event that you and DP split up sometime in the future.

YearOfYouRemember · 14/07/2018 13:20

My FIL bought dh a house. We moved in together but the repayment plan said very clearly FIL name and DH name. Dh and I had a joint account from when we moved in. I was quite hurt. My name was added to the repayment plan once we married. House now all paid off.

I would be rethinking the not being married thing.

I'm not 100% sure dh and I will last the distance Sad and I'm grateful I have the protection that marriage brings.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 14/07/2018 13:21

The flat we live in at the moment is dp's, his name only is on the mortgage ... it's been 7 years and we have a child

In view of the above, it beggars belief that you're asking why it matters that you're not married - surely you must have looked into this?

I get that it would be nice to enjoy a nice, free house in a good area, but you really would be wise not to let that blind you to the possible consequences here. Have you really not considered what your position would be if you split up?? Hmm

Justtheonequestion · 14/07/2018 13:24

Id rather have a council house that was mine as opposed to this. Way more secure

Bekabeech · 14/07/2018 13:33

I suggest that you personally get some legal advice - you seem very niave at present.

By being unmarried your DP could turn around tomorrow and make you homeless - you have less rights than a lodger!
So get some legal advice (CAB if you can't afford a solicitor). Consider a quick (and secret if you want) registry office wedding to protect you and your child, and some of his rights too - who would he want to speak for him if he was seriously ill? Who would he want to inherit the flat if he was killed in a car crash?

Then think about this offer, with the full information and understanding of the legal status.

Velvetdragon · 14/07/2018 13:35

Depends on the relationship you all have The house we live in was bought by DP's parents and it has been made very clear to us that it's his house not our house, and there is legal paperwork to this effect. It was a condition of the offer that it would only go ahead if I had no financial claim to the house. Which I partly understand as it is their money, however there was no option of me contributing any money towards the purchase. I bite my tongue a lot as I don't want to appear ungrateful but they do have a huge say in anything we do to the house. They even replaced our curtains to a pair they preferred, while we were away one weekend! And FIL does decide to come over to do DIY he deems necessary as and when he chooses.
The situation has caused tension between us all at times as we do have to give in to them a lot but overall I'd rather take the insulting paperwork and stress and try to see the positives - life could be worse.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 14/07/2018 13:39

I suggest that you personally get some legal advice - you seem very niave at present

Sadly, I don't think OP is listening ... it's almost as if all those threads where situations like this have gone horribly wrong don't exist Sad

twiglet · 14/07/2018 13:43

I think it depends on what she is like and how you get along, you know her personality better than anyone here.
I know full well that I wouldn't be able to accept it from my MIL but she's a bit of a nightmare. We had to borrow money last minute from PIL as we had to up our deposit by 5% long story!
The first time she visited she asked which room she owned....every time our house came up she would refer to it as her house, 2 years of saving (they didn't want a payment plan) we finally put the money back in their account. Only for MIL to turn around and so oh that was a gift and put it back in our account Angry
5 years later she still says that she owns one of the rooms.....DH has told her bluntly FIL told her outright when she was going on about it that actually as it was him that works and she doesn't it's his money and that's the end of it. Doesn't stop her from the occasional jibe!

So like I say it depends on how she is! I would also raise what others have with the deeds. I think you should only get married if it's the right thing for you both as a couple it does add some legal securities that is true but that shouldn't be the first reason for wanting to get married.

Rosielily · 14/07/2018 13:45

What will he do with his flat (which you have been contributing to financially despite it not being in your name!!) should you go ahead with MIL's proposal?

If that is sold, and, God forbid, your DP should drop down dead (it does happen), what happens to you and your child(ren) insofar as the MIL's house is concerned?

You really do need to get independent legal advice.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 14/07/2018 13:58

Why are paying half the mortgage? You have virtually no rights as an unmarried partner no matter how long you have been together or how many children you have.
Either get proper legal advice or get married ASAP.
Marriage is not just hearts and flowers, it is the quickest legal way to protect yourself.

hungryhippo90 · 14/07/2018 13:59

Sorry, I’m not trying to be rude, I apologise if this reads abruptly,
But what on earth are you doing?!
You are not married to him and you are paying HALF of his mortgage?! Do you have any idea just how silly that is? In 6? Years you’ve paid half of his mortgage at say £500 a month over 6 years that’d be £36000 you might as well have thrown in his savings pot, out of yours!

The lady you describe as MIL isn’t your MIL being unmarried gives you a very different place in this situation.

This isn’t even for your consideration unless she’s told you that it would be a gift to you too.

If I were you, I’d be telling your partner that your name either goes on the deeds with the amount he had paid before you moved in ringfenced so you have no claim to it in the event you split, or you stop paying and save that money for a deposit on even a tiny flat to rent out.

You are being taken advantage of here.

I think your partners mum is doing something really nice, but not neccessarily to, or for you.

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