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Original poster

To feel weird about accepting a free house?

160 replies

namechangemaestro · 13/07/2018 18:56

In a nutshell dp's DM has offered to buy us a house. Outright. Just like that.
I'm in shock to be honest and torn between biting her hand off before she changes her mind, and actually rather dubious about the intention and feeling indebted to her.
For context she has form for being neurotic and a bit controlling. We live in a flat at the moment and have a young DC (her 1st GC).
The area she lives in is close by and rather affluent, and would actually be a lovely place to raise children. She offered to buy us a house in the same area - something we'd never be able to afford. The thing is we have been looking in areas further afield that are new for us to start afresh.
Anyway, am I being ridiculous for even considering turning this offer down? It would take us a long time to save up to live in a nice house and nice area, but will she feel like she can just pop round whenever she feels because she bought it? Will we "owe" her something per se?

OP posts:
BarbaraofSevillle · 14/07/2018 06:28

The lack of gratitude and suspicion promoted on here for an amazing offer is stunning

I know, I wonder if the replies would have been the same if the OPs own DM had made the same offer?

There’s no way in hell I’d stick my children’s partner on deeds

Even when they are the parent of your GC? The OP and her DP/H (it's not clear) have a DC and may even have bought the flat they live in - she doesn't say about that either, it's not like they met in the pub last week.

Maybe the MIL has more money than she knows what to do with and wants to see it put to good use, and maybe avoid inheritence tax etc?

They might not pay stamp duty as FTBs, but that doesn't sound like it would be the case for a family house in an affluent area, so likely to cost more than the £250k limit. I've bought 2 houses and never paid stamp duty, because they've always been below the limit at the time.

BarbaraofSevillle · 14/07/2018 06:32

The OP doesn't say whether or not they are FTB, but that's not relevant.

The MIL might not necessarily be popping round either. Not all MILs are bored housewives with nothing better to do than interfere in their DILs lives. Mine wouldn't have time. She's in her 60s, still works full time and has dogs to walk and hobbies and social activities to keep her busy. We don't see her as often as I'd like, because she's lovely and good fun too.

Bluntness100 · 14/07/2018 06:37

Are you married op? Twice you call him your partner and once your husband. Which is it?

If you're not married, and you rent right now, I'm not sure of your issue, or your right to reject. That's your boyfriends right,

I'm also a bit bemused from you going from rejecting it to wanting your name on the deeds, if you're unmarried and no rent to be paid, I'm unsure the morality of requesting you get gifted it as well.

Bottom line is he will own a house in a nice area and you get to live in it rent free, even if his mum continued to own it, you're still living rent free in a better place than you live now. What's the issue. You love paying rent?

swingofthings · 14/07/2018 06:39

I would be extremely suspicious. Is she massively, and I mean massively rich that the prospect of 'losing' that amount of money is irrelevant to her?

Because even 'rich' people like to hang on to their money and only give if they get something back out of it. I expect she is doing it because of issues with having capital if she needs to go to a care home later in life, or something else where she rather give you the house than paying more tax.

It comes with so much potential problems though. What if you separate, what if something happen to your OH, what if she changes her mind? Is your OH an only child? Otherwise, what do the siblings think about it?

Personally, I wouldn't do it. Even if she gives it to you both but you were to separate, and yes, things do happen to make you decide to separate very quickly, it could get extremely messy.

Original poster
namechangemaestro · 14/07/2018 08:02

Ah I didn't realise I'd called him my husband - he is indeed my partner.
The flat we live in at the moment is dp's, his name only is on the mortgage. When I moved in with him 6 years ago I just pay him half of the mortgage and bills etc. The plan was always to buy a house in both our names in a few years using the sale of the flat as our joint deposit. Of course as I say we wouldn't ever be able to afford a particularly nice house or area .
As a pp said - we haven't been together for 2 weeks, it's been 7 years and we have a child. I don't think it would be unreasonable to expect that if the offer is to buy us a house that the deeds have my name too. Why would it matter if we weren't married? People do get divorced too.

OP posts:
Original poster
namechangemaestro · 14/07/2018 08:03

Just to clarify - the flat was already his , he'd lived there for 3 years before we met.
His family do have quite a bit of money, and he has 2 siblings.

OP posts:
NapQueen · 14/07/2018 08:08

I just pay him half of the mortgage why are you contributing to a mortgage you have no claim to?!

Loopytiles · 14/07/2018 08:10

You seem naive about cohabiting: do you have a legal agreement? Eg so you get a share in DP’s current flat commensurate with your financial contribution.

I also hope you work FT! risky not to when you’re not married and don’t have your own financial assets.

It seems likely that MIL would intend the property to be in your DP’s name, meaning you could be asked to leave at any time.

Melliegrantfirstlady · 14/07/2018 08:10

Sounds like a great offer. If I was the mum buying for my son I certainly wouldn’t be putting your name on the deeds!

Sorry shoot me now!

Imchlibob · 14/07/2018 08:21

Ooh I read an excellent book about this scenario a few years ago. Can't find the details. Can't remember if the DIL ended up murdering the MIL or vice versa.

It would be fine not to accept. You can do so politely by saying that it is important to you to live as properly independent adults and paying your own way as well as living a little further from her so that you aren't over reliant on her support is a big part of that.

Or if you accept, put the money you would be paying in rent into an escape fund for the day the situation becomes unbearable. Better still, put the money into buying somewhere that you rent out on short-term let's or airbnb so that you have somewhere to escape to ready lined up.

Canwejustrelaxnow · 14/07/2018 08:30

Have you plans to marry?

bluebeck · 14/07/2018 08:42

Why would it matter if we weren't married?

Oh dear!

OP do you realise what your situation would be if your DP decided he wasn't in to you any more?

You are coming across as very naive. I wish you luck.

Justtheonequestion · 14/07/2018 08:42

Op youre in a REALLY weak position. You have, for all those years raising his child, got nothing to show for it if you split. You shouldnt ever pay rent to a family member or partner. You should try to find your own home to buy.
This house won't be yours unlesd you marry-they will ringfence that money and keep it in their family.

5LeafClover · 14/07/2018 08:50

I hope you are protecting your future here OP. You write as if they (him and his mum) are looking after you both, but really it's him and you for as long as you are with him. This is a great opportunity for you to talk to your dp about what is fair for you both. Remember, that if someone gives you somewhere to live now they take away your opportunity to do whatever it takes (cheaper area, reduced social life, drive to rise up the pay scales) to buy yourself somewhere to live thats yours forever.

llangennith · 14/07/2018 09:00

Sounds a great offer but as you're not married you can bet the house will be in your partner's sole name (or her name jointly with his).
Marriage confers legal rights. As it stands you would be left homeless and penniless if your relationship ends.

aprilanne · 14/07/2018 09:04

if its given with a good heart then yes you should take it .we gave our son his deposit for his and fiances flat no strings nothing expected just wanted to give our boy a leg up .we made sure everything went into joint names so her family would feel secure as well ,we get on good but then again i dont interfere in there lives.
I mean they are as well having it just know than waiting until i am dead not much good in say 20 years time when they need it just now .

Bluntness100 · 14/07/2018 09:07

So you're paying the mortgage on a home you have no legal entitlement to if You split, being unmarried means you walk away with basically nothing if he ends it, and him everything. It's very simple to put someone's name on the deeds, why has he not done this? Why has he not shown commitment and protected you?

You're asking on here if you, not him, you, should reject the offer, yet it seems you've never even taken the discussion on whose name will be on the deeds and if you will be included. It's highly likely it will be his mother's name and the house will pass to him on her demise, to avoid tax.

People divorce, yes, but they are then legally entitled to half of everything that came into the marriage during the marriage. People who cohabit also split up, but they are entitled to nothing, only the child is entitled to support.

Adversecamber22 · 14/07/2018 09:13

I wouldn't accept but due to my childhood I have a very much I will stand on my own two feet attitude. I was a carer from age 12.

I personally like to be beholden to no one and with her history there isn't no way this wouldn't have some come back. I do believe some pole, will help with no strings attached but she doesn't sound th sort.

SandAndSea · 14/07/2018 10:16

Your last post is quite worrying. I think you should see a solicitor. You're spending money on a mortgage for a property which you have no claim to and leaving yourself incredibly vulnerable.

Why hasn't your DP ensured that you're written into the mortgage and title?

SandAndSea · 14/07/2018 10:18

Please remember too that if your mil was making a genuine 'no strings' offer, she'd be giving you the money as a cheque or bank transfer, not a house.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 14/07/2018 10:18

You need to read up on cohabitation op. If he’s the sole name on deeds it’s his sole house
No you,no we.just him

Bluelady · 14/07/2018 10:22

The whole point of the house not being in MiL's name is to avoid inheritance tax, there's no tax saving whatsoever if it's not in her son's name. I very much doubt she's planning that.

A major factor for me in buying my son a house, apart from providing him with his own home and security, was avoiding the 3% stamp duty on a second property and avoiding inheritance tax when the time comes.

OP, you really do need to sort out your own security here, whether your DP accepts his mum's offer or not. Your name needs to be on the deeds of your current flat and any subsequent properties. Ideally you'd get married before you move but, if he's planning to keep the flat as well, your name needs to go on the deeds for that too as he bought it before marriage.

Bluelady · 14/07/2018 10:24

SandandSea, she has to give them the money. When you buy a property the funding has to come from an account belonging to the person whose name is on the land registry.

Birdsgottafly · 14/07/2018 10:40

"There’s no way in hell I’d stick my children’s partner on deeds
Even when they are the parent of your GC? "

Absolutely. The threads on here show that Fathers (more often) do not consider their children's needs paramount and when they split, even less so.

OP, I would allow your Mum to buy the house and have a proper agreement. Your DP has the option of renting out his place. It has to be decided who pays for property repairs etc.

You can charge him an amount for living there, just as you have had to pay his mortgage, even though you have no right to live there.

That way you can save a deposit.

""Please remember too that if your mil was making a genuine 'no strings' offer, she'd be giving you the money as a cheque or bank transfer, not a house.""

You are being incredibly naive in your present arrangement, so I understand her not doing this.

On thing about getting older as a Woman, you see so many other Women being fucked over.

Birdsgottafly · 14/07/2018 10:44

Oh I see it's your MIL that is making the offer.

So that leaves you in a very precarious position.

You need security, so you need to be put on to your DP's Deeds.

Otherwise you may end up with the choice of having a dogs life, or be homeless and having to uproot your Son because you can't afford to buy, as a single Woman, in the area that you have him settled in.