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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is this sexist

188 replies

deniselouise · 11/07/2018 15:05

Or aibu to think this is actually just good manners and quite sweet.
So im in the gym by the front desk waiting for a friend to come out of the changing room.
At the front desk theres also some chairs for people to sit.
So theres about 5 men sitting in them and talking. One of them really loudly,repeatedly swearing using the f word. Literally after every word lol.
Then a guy walks by hears,points at me and says hey man respect. Potty mouth then apologizes. Tbf to potty mouth he probably didnt notice me but aibu to think the guy that told him off for swearing infront of me had good manners?

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 12/07/2018 09:52

You're his wife, by that logic shouldn't you deal with it?
Ah no because it is about sex. Sexist.
It's OK Bertrand dear ill get you a NICE CUP OF TEA and you'll feel ALL BETTER

EBearhug · 12/07/2018 10:22

In my experience, if two people arrive at the door at the same time, the one pushing ends up half falling through, because you apply a certain amount of force, expecting the resistance of a closed door, and it flies open instead, because of someone pulling it. Obviously that's doors you can't see through.

Vashna · 12/07/2018 10:30

Hulk - That’s all well and good, but I don’t believe women who say they wouldn’t expect their DH / OH to deal with that kind of situation.

What about if (as is often the case) it escalated into sexist language or a man was staring at you / making you uncomfortable / groping you / shouting “nice arse”, show us your tits”, or using the word “bitch” or similar. Would you honestly be happy if your DH just sat back and let you deal with it? Aggressive swearing in public is obnoxious and offensive anyway, but particularly offensive to women because it’s all on the same spectrum as far as I’m concerned. So yes, I do expect him to deal with it because he’s a man.

TheHulksPurplePanties · 12/07/2018 10:40

So yes, I do expect him to deal with it because he’s a man.

And then we wonder why misogyny still exists. Hmm

Hideandgo · 12/07/2018 10:49

I wouldn’t like it and would feel patronised. I don’t need a strange man to act on my behalf and make assumptions that I have delicate sensibilities.

Vashna · 12/07/2018 10:50

Misogyny, to me, is the fact that women are conditioned to think they have to put up with foul language in public.

It’s the verbal form of throwing your weight around. It’s aggressive and intimidating - like saying, “I know you’re here but I’m going to dominate the space anyway, regardless of how you might feel.”

I don’t speak like that at home or if I'm out with my friends. Why should I put up with it from random men?

We were in a pub garden in May and some men were swearing a fair bit (loudly) on the next table. DH told them he hadn’t brought his family out to listen to that. One drunk one started to get a bit aggro, but the others apologised. It’s happened on trains too. It’s basic consideration and manners to be aware of your surroundings and yes, that does include, women and children if they’re present.

TheHulksPurplePanties · 12/07/2018 10:54

Why should I put up with it from random men?

And if it was random women swearing? I swear all the time, especially when out with friends.

Vashna · 12/07/2018 10:59

Well most people don’t Hulk, so please do bear that in mind.

TheHulksPurplePanties · 12/07/2018 11:20

Well most people don’t Hulk, so please do bear that in mind.

I would disagree. Most people do curse. Many in public. Someone saying out loud "Dear God I've had a horrible fucking day at work!" or "Fuck me I forgot to turn the oven off!" is not the equivalent of groping or being verbally intimidated/attacked.

BertrandRussell · 12/07/2018 11:21

Generally speaking, women don’t swear as a means of dominating public space and intimidating others.

Excited0803 · 12/07/2018 11:29

He was trying to be nice, some women might find the loud swearing intimidating. Certainly it's annoying. Absolutely don't pull up the guy being polite and ask him to stop, let's tackle discrimination that causes a problem before the discrimination that gives an advantage.

I do understand it's sexist and that can be a problem, I'm just suggesting we should deal with the motive rather than the action / words. At work I've had someone faux-apologise to me for his own swearing, as an aggressive "you don't belong here" move in front of a meeting. I told him he could swear as much as he f@/£ing likes because I wasn't bothered; it got a laugh and made him go red, he got the point. That was many years ago though, even the highly male dominated industries don't seem so sexist to me any more, or maybe they are only sexist to younger women.

Mousefunky · 12/07/2018 11:32

Ahh yes it’s sexist but not sexism that would heavily grate on me. He is alluding to you being the ‘fairer sex’ and that your delicate ears shouldn’t have to listen to such profanities. I would have rolled my eyes and gone about my day.

Appreciate it when people do this when my DC are around though, children shouldn’t have to listen to incessant swearing.

Nikephorus · 12/07/2018 11:35

No it’s not sexist. It’s polite. Anyone who is offended by that needs to get a grip.
This ^^.

BertrandRussell · 12/07/2018 11:58

Has anyone said they were offended?

Vashna · 12/07/2018 13:35

If a woman was being leered at in public and a man intervened to tell them to back off, would that be sexist too because the woman should be able to fight her own battles?
People who swear and mouth off generally in public places, must surely have at least some vague awareness that others may get offended by that? Or are they totally in their own bubble? Of course it’s easier for a man to say something and be taken seriously to a group of males than it is for a woman.

Spaghettijumper · 12/07/2018 14:01

@Vashna, what you and others seem to be missing is that the OP wasn't offended or uncomfortable, the man just made the assumption she was based on the fact that she was a woman.

It's normal to try to intervene in some way if another person is being actively intimidated/threatened - I would do that for a woman, a man or a child, because it's just kind. This wasn't a situation like that - the men were swearing among themselves and the other man stepped in for no real reason other than a belief that women are somehow too delicate to hear the word 'fuck'

Spaghettijumper · 12/07/2018 14:02

'Let's tackle discrimination that causes a problem before the discrimination that gives an advantage.'

How does being as too feeble to hear the word 'fuck' give anybody an advantage??

Spaghettijumper · 12/07/2018 14:02

sorry that should say 'how does being seen as too feeble...'

Vashna · 12/07/2018 14:09

Not wanting to hear the f word does not make you feeble. It just means you have a different standard of what’s acceptable. Just like some people would use that word around their kids, while others would be appalled. Should they just get over it as well, after all it’s “just a word?”

Lethaldrizzle · 12/07/2018 15:00

I hate being around a bunch of sweary men.

BertrandRussell · 12/07/2018 15:10

I hate public swearing. And men do use to claim space. And men should call other men out on it all the time- because it's misogynist.

rosesandflowers1 · 12/07/2018 15:17

Vashna -

  1. OP wasn't upset or offended by it in any way.
  2. If I'm offended by someone's language I say so myself.
busybarbara · 12/07/2018 15:18

If men not swearing around women is sexist then not swearing around children is discriminatory too I take it Grin

drearydeardre · 12/07/2018 15:29

I truly wish more women were offended and appalled to hear a group of men using the f and c word in their conversation - obviously in loud voices.
In the pursuit of equality we seem to have forgotten good manners and appropriate language. Most people (women) would not swear and use horrible (sexually charged) words amongst themselves (but then there are women on another thread who thought nothing of giving the middle finger too a toddler because they were stressed)

I feel we have lost so many of the things that differentiated us from the rude, arrogance of the men in language and behaviour. I am a fervent believer in woman's rights to equality in employment, finance, and respect which womens lib fought for (back when I was young)
Do you all want to become as coarse and rude as some men can be to achieve your 'equality'. They need educating in how to behave not for women to descend to their level.

rosesandflowers1 · 12/07/2018 16:34

If men not swearing around women is sexist then not swearing around children is discriminatory too I take it

What?

Can you genuinely not understand the difference between an adult woman and a child?

If you really can't, Lord help us all.

@drearydearde

I don't like swearing. If extraordinarily pushed a well-placed 'fuck' perhaps, but never in a public place. I've never said (or typed) the c word.

If someone was using it in public, I'd speak up myself. Not hope that a "gentlemanly" man in the vicinity might see it as his duty to protect the delicate flowers that are a woman's ears.