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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this sexist

188 replies

deniselouise · 11/07/2018 15:05

Or aibu to think this is actually just good manners and quite sweet.
So im in the gym by the front desk waiting for a friend to come out of the changing room.
At the front desk theres also some chairs for people to sit.
So theres about 5 men sitting in them and talking. One of them really loudly,repeatedly swearing using the f word. Literally after every word lol.
Then a guy walks by hears,points at me and says hey man respect. Potty mouth then apologizes. Tbf to potty mouth he probably didnt notice me but aibu to think the guy that told him off for swearing infront of me had good manners?

OP posts:

Bramble71 · 11/07/2018 17:41

I believe it was very thoughtful of him and anyone who thinks it was sexist needs to get a grip.

thelionsharer · 11/07/2018 17:43

But clearly his intentions are not bad

CandidaAlbicans · 11/07/2018 17:43

In this day and age it's nice to know they're still old fashioned polite men still around willing to treat women with a bit of respect

Dazza, if you hold the door open for women do you also hold the door open for other men? If not, why not? Is it "good manners" to treat men and women with equal amounts of respect or should they be treated differently? If so, why? Not trying to be goady, I'm just genuinely interested.

All I want is to be treated the same as men, no better or worse, no different set of manners just because I'm a woman. I wouldn't pull a man up for it, but I'd rather he treated me as he would other men. Why wouldn't he?

If you want to be a gentleman, great. Good decision. Be a gentleman to everyone. Then the world's a better place
Absolutely.

Original poster

deniselouise · 11/07/2018 17:45

Thanks for all the replies.
And yes the guy did do it because i am a woman.
And no wasnt visually upset by potty mouths words.

OP posts:

Kit10 · 11/07/2018 17:47

Sexist? Surely not. Can't let a sweet, innocent woman's ears hear such vile nonsense, it could make her impure.

drearydeardre · 11/07/2018 18:06

the lion
It actually does relate to serious sexism because it feeds the idea that women are weaker and can be controlled/abused
and that is one of the most ridiculous statements on this thread. Of course 'respect' does not relate at all to serious sexism or feed the idea that women can be abused.
I cannot believe the juxtaposition of those two ideas. Seriously - as others have said - get a grip.

thelionsharer · 11/07/2018 18:29

Treating a woman differently because she's a woman is sexist, it just is.

And sexism is what contributes to the idea that women are weaker, which can lead to some men thinking it's ok to abuse women.

This incident is not a serious act of sexism but sexism is sexism at the end of the day. It all helps promote a certain notion about women.

By the way, I have a grip and I'm honestly quite indifferent to what this man did but the op asked is it sexist and I'm giving my opinion.

thelionsharer · 11/07/2018 18:31

And yes he was respectful but he singled her out because she's female and that makes it sexist.

Lethaldrizzle · 11/07/2018 18:54

My dh always goes to the bar first for me. Im pretty sure he doesnt do that in the pub with his mates.I rather like being treated differently cos I am a woman

Spaghettijumper · 11/07/2018 18:57

Didimus the disrespect given to feminism doesn't have anything to do with the battles feminists choose to fight. No matter what women try to change, be it benevolent sexism like this, or abuse, rape and murder, we're still made out to be ridiculous and unreasonable. It's one of the reasons feminism is necessary at all.

I can see why you say 'don't give the misogynists what they want' but in reality it doesn't matter what women do or say, the misogynists will still disrespect and devalue women. It's not the case that if we choose exactly the right battles we'll suddenly be heard, unfortunately.

I also refuse to let misogynists dictate what I can and can't discuss or get annoyed about. Frankly they can fuck off.

AssassinatedBeauty · 11/07/2018 18:58

If you're sure that he wouldn't have done the same if you had been a man, then yes it's sexist. I might have replied that the sweary man wasn't bothering me and told him no need to apologise.

Racecardriver · 11/07/2018 19:01

Chivalrous is the word for it. Some people would call that sexism, others merely manners.

RebelRogue · 11/07/2018 19:30

Everyday sexism is a thing. It's casual,it's "banter" ,it's "compliments" ,it can even be positive action (like so many seem to see this incident). It's still sexism,it's still othering, it's still seeing/treating women as different and sometimes as "less".

If he wanted to do a nice thing he could've just ask them to stop,or ask them to stop because there are other people there. There was no need to use OP's femaleness as a prop.

rosesandflowers1 · 11/07/2018 19:51

Of course 'respect' does not relate at all to serious sexism or feed the idea that women can be abused.

You really can't see how the stereotypical ideas behind the comment might be more serious in other situations?

UneMoonit · 11/07/2018 19:56

It's polite.

Men (decent men) exist in part to protect women and ensure they are treated with respect by less decent men who won't unless they have to.

I'm not sure it is in our interests to take offence at men who do this - what's the end game there, a world with no men who protect women? I'm not sure any of us would like that.

busybarbara · 11/07/2018 19:59

To be fair they might have had the same reaction if a male stranger came past too. You eff and jeff with your mates regardless of gender, but tone it down in front of strangers, kids or religious people.

RebelRogue · 11/07/2018 20:05

So women need men to protect them from...men.

BertrandRussell · 11/07/2018 20:12

As I said-if only men would challenge sexist and misogynist language when there are no women around......

StealthPolarBear · 11/07/2018 20:13

How can anyone with a basic level of intelligence argue that this is not sexist? It may be nice and kind but he treated you differently because of your sex. We're not talking about if it was kind, gentlemanly, chivalrous etc. We're talking about if it was sexist.
If people can't grasp that I truly despair.

StealthPolarBear · 11/07/2018 20:14

Une our endgame is to be seen as able to participate fully as human adults without needing the men to protect us. Otherwise as a pp clearly explained there will be other things that the men will protect us from and we may not agree or like it. But we'll have to smile and simper because they'll just be being kind.

RebelRogue · 11/07/2018 20:18

@BertrandRussell yes. And on their own behalf too. Things might actually change.

StealthPolarBear · 11/07/2018 20:19

Completely agree spaghetti. This thread just shows how far there is to go.

tictac86 · 11/07/2018 20:19

Love that some men still have old fashioned manners. Its not sexist at all but polite and respectful.

StealthPolarBear · 11/07/2018 20:19

How do doors get opened when there are no men about I wonder. Maybe there are special remotes they can leave their women folk

StealthPolarBear · 11/07/2018 20:20

So it's nothing to do with women being women then?

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