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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this sexist

188 replies

deniselouise · 11/07/2018 15:05

Or aibu to think this is actually just good manners and quite sweet.
So im in the gym by the front desk waiting for a friend to come out of the changing room.
At the front desk theres also some chairs for people to sit.
So theres about 5 men sitting in them and talking. One of them really loudly,repeatedly swearing using the f word. Literally after every word lol.
Then a guy walks by hears,points at me and says hey man respect. Potty mouth then apologizes. Tbf to potty mouth he probably didnt notice me but aibu to think the guy that told him off for swearing infront of me had good manners?

OP posts:

AngelsSins · 11/07/2018 16:13

I’m not offended (even though of course it’s sexist) but, yeah, I let men AND women hold doors for me, I also hold doors for them. It’s called manners.

drearydeardre · 11/07/2018 16:13

swearing is unacceptable regardless of gender. The argument that the polite man was being sexist is so OTT. Ladies do not throw the baby out with the bath water - I despair what it is you really really want because by going in guns blazing shouting 'sexist' just makes you look absolutely foolish

saltandvinegarcrisps1 · 11/07/2018 16:14

At first I thought yes it's sexist as you are being (positively) discriminated against in the sense that he wouldn't have said anything to swearybloke if you'd been a guy, so sexism by definition. Then I thought- he would probably have said the same if you were a young boy, in which case it's his views on good manners generally.

MiddleagedManic · 11/07/2018 16:14

@Spaghetti

Surely we should be heading towards a more evolved society where we try and haul foul-mouthed men into a more polite world where both men and women tell them it is unacceptable behaviour rather than saying that women should not be offended and get on with 'men's talk' themselves. Can we not instead encourage more men to speak up against 'typical men' behaviour and teach them that yes, they do need to moderate their language in front of women and also men. Why should we have to listen to foul language because some men seem incapable of or refuse to moderate? I don't want to stoop to the level of some men to be on a level playing field, I want men to elevate to mine (yes, I am perfect ) and know when it's ok to swear and when it's not.

User467 · 11/07/2018 16:15

I'd say it was sexist because he said it on the basis that you are female but I don't think it was rude or anything to be offended by. Atleast he had manners

chrisinthesun · 11/07/2018 16:16

The precious snowflakes who think the man was 'sexist' for telling a bunch of men to not be so sweary and gobby, would complain if it was them in that situation, and the man in question just sat there looking, and didn't defend them.

'He just sat there and let them cuss around me, and swear, and shout. They were really aggressive around me, and this man just sat there - seeing me worried and intimidated - and did NOTHING.'

It's textbook. Some women just like to moan. And nothing a man does is ever right. I think most of us know a woman like this...... One who will complain about a man's behaviour, no matter what he does!

I am correct about this.

If you think I am wrong, then you are definitely one of these women.

Spaghettijumper · 11/07/2018 16:17

I know what you're saying Middleaged and I agree to an extent, except that in this circumstance the man wasn't saying that the men shouldn't swear, he was saying the men shouldn't swear out of respect for a woman - which is underlining the fact that women are different.

I swear quite a lot and don't mind it. I don't need anybody telling other men to protect my sensitive lady-ears from 'bad' words that aren't even directed at me.

Spaghettijumper · 11/07/2018 16:18

The OP said nothing about being scared and worried chris. If she had been then I think the man was doing the right thing, helping another person who needed help. But for him to assume that as a woman she had to be protected from swearing is pretty ridiculous.

I swear plenty myself.

chrisinthesun · 11/07/2018 16:21

@drearydeadre

Swearing is unacceptable regardless of gender. The argument that the polite man was being sexist is so OTT. Ladies do not throw the baby out with the bath water - I despair what it is you really really want because by going in guns blazing shouting 'sexist' just makes you look absolutely foolish.

Amen to that!! ^

As I said, some women will complain about ANYthing that men do, (or don't do,) no matter what it is. Go have a look at the feminism board - it's fucking hilarious!

JessicaFaithH · 11/07/2018 16:22

To be fair, you're the one assuming that he pointed at you because you were a woman, he could have been pointing out the fact that the guy swearing was sitting in a public place with other people present, regardless of gender.

I know there are people on here who have started / will start on the "women get offended at everything rant" but in truth, it is offensive for anyone to be treated different regardless of gender, whether this is in regards to women being "delicate little flowers" or "all men being lairy" (for example).

What is in no way offensive, and is purely good manners, is the guy who walked past reminding the swearing guy that he is in a public place and foul language isn't acceptable if you don't know how people who can hear you feel about it.

AngelsSins · 11/07/2018 16:22

It’s sexist because he could have said “can you stop swearing, it offends ME”, instead he said, stop swearing because there’s a lady here. It’s still polite and not worth getting annoyed about in the grand scheme of things, but it’s silly to pretend it’s not sexist.

MereDintofPandiculation · 11/07/2018 16:22

But for him to assume that as a woman she had to be protected from swearing is pretty ridiculous. .. and also that she needed him to protect her because she wouldn't be able to complain herself. Yes, it was done with good intentions, but it is born from a belief that an individual has a whole set of expectations and capabilities simply because she is a woman.

amicissimma · 11/07/2018 16:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Spaghettijumper · 11/07/2018 16:24

@drearydeardre - I find it strange that you think women who are simply discussing things on a forum are 'going in guns blazing shouting sexist' - that's not what's happening at all.

Men rape 85,000 women in the UK alone every year. And you're worried about how women look because they discuss things on mumsnet? I don't think men worry very much at all how they 'look'

Dazza284428 · 11/07/2018 16:25

"Sexist"?!?! Bloody hell!! He's acting like a polite gentleman and all people can do is call him sexist.
Well done the man I say!!
I'm a male and I can only say well done to him.
In this day and age it's nice to know they're still old fashioned polite men still around willing to treat women with a bit of respect.
So what your saying is if a man held the door open for a women then that sexist as well, because maybe he's implying that she's too weak in strength to open the door herself!?!

What's up with some of the people in the world today? Seem so stuck up and out of tune with reality.

I know, your so used to men acting like A* holes of today, you forgotten how a decent man should act?

I realise everyone has their own views and whatnot but...

Sexist??? Really!?!

Spaghettijumper · 11/07/2018 16:28

'So what your saying is if a man held the door open for a women then that sexist as well, because maybe he's implying that she's too weak in strength to open the door herself!?!'

The fucking door thing again. Multiple times, every single time this comes up.

Everybody who is capable of opening doors should open them for everybody else, because it's just polite. Unless you've got very unusual anatomy I assume you don't use your genitalia for opening doors, therefore it shouldn't matter if you're a woman or a man.

MrsXx4 · 11/07/2018 16:28

I would see this as polite and well mannered.

CadyHeron · 11/07/2018 16:29

As a woman, not offended in the slightest and anyone who thinks it's reason to have a go at someone for that needs to give their head a wobble.
Polite. Nice. Far too much just looking for offence nowadays.

AngelsSins · 11/07/2018 16:29

Thanks Dazza, always good to have a man come along and TELL women’s how they should be treated and what behaviour should they’re allowed to call sexist. Plus, I think almost everyone has said he was polite/had good intentions....

Lethaldrizzle · 11/07/2018 16:35

2 people a man and a woman coming towards a door at the same time but from opposite sides if the door. They reach it at the same time. Who should ooen it then? The man steps aside whilst holding it open. Ladies first - he says. Is he a sexist pig?!

MilkTrayLimeBarrel · 11/07/2018 16:35

I think that was very thoughtful of the man to pull the other man up on his swearing, and shows respect towards women. I don't care whether it is fashionable or not, I still hate to hear this repeated swearing which is so prevalent now, and the 'f' word really offends me. It is just unnecessary and lazy in my opinion.

TragicallyUnbeyachted · 11/07/2018 16:35

If he did it because you're female then yes, it was sexist. It's not the worst example of sexism ever and not something that merited "having a go at him" but treating a woman differently from how you'd treat a man in the exact same situation is pretty much the definition of sexism.

If he did it as a reminder that they were in a public area and needed to tone it down (and would have done the same if you were male), or because you looked worried and intimidated and the group were being aggressive (and would have done the same if you were male), or because they were expecting a mystery shopper (who might be male or female) then it's not sexist.

Things can be both "good manners" (the sort of thing you ought to do for anyone) and sexist (because, in practice, you only actually do them for women) at the same time.

Dazza284428 · 11/07/2018 16:36

So your saying 85000 men rape women a year and they're bad Obviously.
But what I can only describe as a gentleman, saying what he said to the "potty" mouth men and he's labelled in the bad bracket as well for now being called sexist.

The world is finished.
I think some people need to relax and stop looking into everything too deep and taking offence to something that was a Gentlemanly thing to do say 20-30 years ago.

Obviously times change and people change....manners don't.

LockedOutOfMN · 11/07/2018 16:37

It is rude to swear full stop. So the man who asked him to stop swearing had good manners. However, the swearer should have apologised to everyone who heard him, regardless of sex.

Italiangreyhound · 11/07/2018 16:38

Sexism is the stuff that leaves women at the bottom of the pile, that takes our rights and abuses us. This was one potty mouth realizing he may be being a bit of a tit.

So not sexist (I bet the other guys were happy he stopped).

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