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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask my MIL not to drink tea

298 replies

KittyKat73 · 11/07/2018 08:55

AIBU to ask my MIL not to drink tea when she is holding my baby?

I thought this seemed like a reasonable request but every single time she seems him she trys to hold him and drink a cup of tea. every single time I ask her not to incase she spills some by mistake or he knocks it out her hand by accident.

My baby is now 5 months but she has done this ever since he was born and last time I saw her she made a snidey remark about me being too precious to let her have tea and hold him. Confused She has 2 other grandchildren who are older (aged 1 and 4) so im guessing by her reaction to me she used to drink tea and hold them all the time.

I just dont think its worth the risk but being made to feel like im being ridiculous and actually anxious when we see her because i know she will attempt to try and do it even though every single time I ask her not to.

OP posts:
Katherine2626 · 12/07/2018 18:09

What an attitude. Will she be quite so snidey when she spills tea on the poor child? It's worth pointing out to her too that children suffer really bad burns from hot liquids that wouldn't damage an adult anything like as much. When my son was in hospital overnight a tiny boy in the next cot had a really awful burn down his arm; his mum was beside herself as she had made some coffee, put a lot of milk into it, and it had cooled for a good few minutes and then got knocked onto him. Also of course a small person will have a much larger burn. I'm sorry to go on about this but I think her attitude is outrageous. I would just take the baby away from her immediately.

Rtruth · 12/07/2018 18:12

She’s being a tit!

Get your man to tell his mother how to behave.

I had similar convo with my dad, but with tipping my daughter over his head. She would cry as she had acid reflux. He ignored me politely asking until I one day threw him and my mum out the house.

It’s not over the top to make a sensible request and your partner should sort it out to support you.

End of.

Sparkerparker · 12/07/2018 18:12

YANBU at all. would a nursery nurse be allowed to have a cup of tea when holding babies? Not in a million years. There is your answer. (And whatever your rules are, you're entitled to them since it’s your baby)

perfectstorm · 12/07/2018 18:12

I think you're a saint. You host her in your home when your DH is at work, numerous times a week from the sounds, at her request, and yet she treats you like dirt?

I'd investigate a lot of childcare alternatives, myself. This is setting yourselves up for a disaster, in one way or another. She has contempt for your rules and says as much. To your child, no less. How on earth could you trust her as childcare? Contact is great, and grandparents important, but care is something else.

perfectstorm · 12/07/2018 18:12

And I didn't even touch on the hot drink aspects because - well, what sort of a fucking idiot does that?!

greathat · 12/07/2018 18:13

Only ever give her cold tea. Get some iced tea in :)

sunshine11 · 12/07/2018 18:14

I am horrified you have had to ask her more than once.

When I was in my teens I used to babysit for a girl who had had a cup of scalding tea poured on her when she was a baby. It has caused third degree burns and her whole chest was scarred. Horrible for her.

Perhaps rather than make her wrong, ask her how she would feel if baby suffered third degree burns as a result of tea drinking. Could mother live with herself causing baby to be permanently scarred.

If she still won't listen I would tell her she simply can't hold baby again. It is absolutely not worth the risk for the sake of not arguing/creating a scene.

katzensocken · 12/07/2018 18:20

She's being passive aggressive - my mum has done this sort of thing before but I doubt (I hope!) she wouldn't put a baby in danger for it.

Your MIL is trying to lord over/gaslight you in a way, by repeating how 'precious' you are, making you second guess yourself and post on here. You've already told her not to do it, but in her mind she's teaching you a lesson not to be so 'precious' so she keeps doing it because she KNOWS it upsets you and she wants to prove you're being silly. On some level she's probably also insulted that you apparently think she's old and doddering enough to spill her tea. PA personalities are fucking weird like that. It'll backfire if anything ever happens! So yeah, don't let her have tea if she insists on holding the baby. Better yet, have her come round less.

PMUZOE · 12/07/2018 18:20

We had an incident when my MIL was holding our baby and went to get her coffee and let the baby’s head fall back and gave her whiplash injury.... as a result she was very late holding her head and had to have therapy to help her... she never accepted responsibilitiy so was told until she did she wasn’t welcome and that’s how it stayed!!! Your baby’s health and wellbeing has to come first xx

RoboticSealpup · 12/07/2018 18:23

Yanbu. It makes me so fucking angry to see all the ignorant, selfish, neglectful crap that PILs (and other family members, sometimes) pull on new mothers. Dangerous dogs, hot cups of tea, smoking, poor food hygiene, leaving toddlers unsupervised. And then acting all hurt and misunderstood when they're told not to. Fucking idiots. Just because they probably left their kids at home while they went too the shop and they survived doesn't mean it was the right thing to do. Parenting has changed and people are more safety conscious these days.

llangennith · 12/07/2018 18:24

She could do all the eye rolls and make all the snarky remarks she likes but she wouldn't be holding any baby of mine with a hot drink anywhere near.

pallisers · 12/07/2018 18:29

one of my earliest memories is going to the hospital because I pulled a cup of tea down on my arm.

She is pretty thick as well as passive aggressive.

jellyjellabi · 12/07/2018 18:32

Show her pictures of scalded babies. A picture is worth a thousand words.
^
This for sure

Plsbemyturn · 12/07/2018 18:36

awkward situation but YANBU

Churrolicious · 12/07/2018 18:39

YANBU. We had similar issues. I bought one of those non spillable, non knockable cool sided travel mugs for just those kind of occasions.

carbuncleonapigsposterior · 12/07/2018 18:40

You sound a nice considerate person OP, your mil appears selfish, inconsiderate and churlish, turning something that could be so potentially damaging into a point scoring exercise. As others have said, it only has to happen once, the consequences of that would be horrific. Is it so important to her to have the upper hand whilst simultaneously belittling you, simply because you have far more sense than clearly she has. I'm a grandmother but I'm completely on your side and if she can't agree to stop this practice then I wouldn't entrust your baby to her when you go back to work. Get your husband to back you up on this it's important that you present a united front. If she doesn't like it then so be it, your child's well being is more important than her cavalier attitude to something that is blatantly so wrong.

CammieKennaway · 12/07/2018 18:41

YANBU - I think your MIL comes across as a very selfish and disrespectful person.
I won't even drink a cup of tea when I'm snuggling my dog, let alone a baby!

Jozxyqk · 12/07/2018 18:42

Show her pictures of scalded babies. A picture is worth a thousand words.

Definitely. If she won't be reasoned with, maybe shock tactics will work. DH & I both have insulated mugs, from the baby years. The Bodum metal walled ones are pretty good, IMHO.

CloudCaptain · 12/07/2018 18:45

Just start serving the horrible woman very weak, very milky tea. With sugar in. Or stop visiting her. As soon as mine could crawl they were obsessed with spilling drinks.

Fairynormal · 12/07/2018 18:47

Anyone with a modicum of intelligence would never have any child, on their knee while drinking/ holding a hot/ cooling cup of tea, or coffee!
I would have said something when she made her sarky comment oh i forgot im not allowed to cuddle you while I have tea because mummy says so, mummys a bit precious

Yes your DC is more precious than anything in the entire universe, as I am sure her children would have been, although depending on her age, she may well have been one of the generation who smoked/ drank tea/ camp coffee and left their babies in their prams outside shops.
Stand your ground, I had a mother in law who bullied and belittled me and it was awful.

toxic44 · 12/07/2018 18:48

It's a control thing with her, that's why she belittles you for insisting she does what you ask. Question, is, whose baby is it? And if there was an accident, 'I'm so sorry', mends nothing. Stand up for yourself and your baby. She knows what she's doing.

CoolCarrie · 12/07/2018 18:48

Tell her the only tea she can have in your house when the baby is around is iced tea! She is a stupid fool and YADNBU!

TigerTooth · 12/07/2018 18:51

Don't take that crap from her - your house, your rules. Just take the baby, just pick him out of her arms as you bring the tea in.
If she makes snide remarks feel free to be snappy. Cheeky mare.

Doingreat · 12/07/2018 18:55

I love @badass' suggestion of spilling some tea on mil... she ain't called badass for no reason y'know

Hissy · 12/07/2018 18:56

Be “busy” unless she’s is there.