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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop fil from feeding dd off his fork.

273 replies

Setpeace · 10/07/2018 13:00

A few years ago I sat in horror when fil fed dd who had just recovered from nasty cold, off his fork when he had just been ill with an unexplained virus.
I didn't say anything thinking it's a one-off. The next time I saw him do it I asked dh to say something.
He said not to do it, the dc get illness etc.
Fil went and did it again at bbq at our house and I didn't know what to do.
Dh again mentioned after please don't do it.
They were out with dd and she said grandpa shared his ice cream with her.

I'm actually, ironically unlike pils quite relaxed about general about cleaning, weight are shoes on house, I don't keep dc pristine, I understand it's absolutely neccsary to be exposed to lots of germs etc but this makes me feel sick.

It's not only his seeming lack of care, it's the idea that he is somehow germ free and doesn't listen to us.
Yes they have massive form for lots of things like this but I'm not sure what the next move is, if he does it when we next see them.
I'd like to stand up and say ' fil are you you OK? You have been repeadlty asked not to share forks saliva with the dc and yet you carry on doing it?' then leave.
I could try and take dd back but she is very strong willed and it could end in an argument with dd...a tussle.. Dd come here.. NO etc

Its infuriating and I have had to listen to 14 of crap about dirt, shoes off, germs.... Etc.. They are extreme with it.

OP posts:
Gottagetmoving · 11/07/2018 19:37

Missuspritch

Well they will if you don't talk to them! We kiss and bug our children...but tell them not to just let anyone do that or not do same to strangers!
Trained in child development or not, you underestimate the intelligence and comprehension that children have!
As for passing on gum disease...we can pass on all sorts of things just by being around people.
We can't wrap ourselves or our kids in sterile bubbles.

Gottagetmoving · 11/07/2018 19:37

Hug not bug!

SoShinySoChrome · 11/07/2018 19:43

Haven’t read the full thread but make sure you wear shoes in their house.

‘Oh, I thought we were just doing what we wanted now when it comes to hygiene and cleanliness. I asked you not to share saliva with dc but you keep on, so I suppose you don’t care anymore about hygiene .

BertrandRussell · 11/07/2018 19:50

"I would hate if anyone did that (apart from myself or my DH) "

If you would hate it from anyone else, why not you and your dh? I can understand hating it-although nor a problem for me.

missuspritch · 11/07/2018 20:26

Gotta get moving! You are right, talking is a very important part of raising children and t can’t be done without good communication skills....

The poor gulf in question though has a mother who is saying it shouldn’t be done and isn’t hygenic

And a grand parent who is saying it’s okay let’s do it

Poor child probably doesn’t know who to believe Confused

likeacrow · 11/07/2018 20:33

I wouldn't mind GPs sharing an ice cream with DD actually, and I can be pretty anxious about a lot of stuff to do with looking after her.

However, you're the parent, you (or your OH) have made your feelings clear and they should respect that. So no YANBU.

likeacrow · 11/07/2018 20:36

Re read some precious posts, yes I would mind had they been ill. So YADNBU

Esspee · 11/07/2018 20:36

I share your disgust OP (esp. ice cream sharing) but you need to verbalise your concerns and insist that this behaviour stops. Personally I would make feeding impossible by keeping you LO between you and your husband at mealtimes and hovering to ensure it doesn't happen when out and about (e.g. Ice Cream).
As for your husband doing it - it's learned behaviour and has to stop. It is no less disgusting because he is her father.

Iseveryusernametaken · 11/07/2018 21:44

I think I'd probably leave my shoes on at next visit to illustrate the point. They can't respect your boundaries, then don't respect theirs. If the GP were in good health, then they're probably more at risk from germy kids. I don't think twice about giving my DD my drink, but I don't want it back. My DD used to eat dry cat food as a snack when she was a toddler, she would steal out of their bowls when I wasn't watching!

Problem is, that they clearly have no respect for your wishes, which isn't right or fair. I also find this very odd behaviour with a 6 year old, she's not a baby anymore.

Sarahrellyboo1987 · 11/07/2018 21:50

You can get bubble wrap on eBay if you’d like to wrap your daughter up.

Mumto2two · 11/07/2018 22:05

Clearly a lot of people on here who know very little about immunity and how well it keeps us alive Smile Bubble wrap definitely springs to mind!
And I say this as a parent of a child who has been on medication for immune suppression since she was born.
Seriously...get a grip.

Original poster
Setpeace · 11/07/2018 22:08

It's not the ice cream per see.

It's the fact they have been asked twice not to share forks ie saliva.

Sharing the ice cream tells me he is going agaisnt express wishes. There is no reason on this earth why they had to share. Its almost like he only brought one too deliberately share it. What small child wouldn't want one.

It shows me yet again he has no respect for us.
I think I would just have ask, why he keeps doing it when we asked him him not too and point out we take our shoes off because its their home and they think its dirty.

That we don't like him sharing food and saliva... Because we think that is dirty and puts dc at risk esp when I have seen him do it on the back of being ill.
It's simply not neccsary to share like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Setpeace · 11/07/2018 22:10

My dd goes to school and spends every day amongst germ super spreaders.

She doesn't need this immune service from grandpa. Your talking as if he is providing a service.

OP posts:
Original poster
Setpeace · 11/07/2018 22:14

missus

Because of his behaviour I have had to teach her expressly not to share cutlery but the side swipe of an ice cream is different.. The lure of it caught her out.

It's the disrespect of our wishes yet a bloody again that makes my blood boil. I have list of transgressions as long as a run way but I wanted to keep to this one.

OP posts:
Meandyoumake2 · 11/07/2018 22:17

I'm 100% with you OP. I don't have any children but I seen my FIL doing it to my partners niece and think it's awful I don't know why no one tells him not to ! But he is the type that will put his fork into shared food in the middle of the table after he's ate from it! I always make
Sure I take enough food first time
Before he gets a chance to use his fork

OFuckShitAndBollocks · 11/07/2018 22:19

In my house the dog french kisses everyone if mouths are left open for too long, I really don't see how it's a problem. I think it's a bit OTT but each to his own! My daughter had taken food out of my mum's mouth before, it's a bit grim, but I don't have a problem with it. When you think they catch something like 15 viruses per year they're going to get ill anyway.

OFuckShitAndBollocks · 11/07/2018 22:20

PS when I say I don't see it's a problem, I mean your FIL. I'd definitely prefer the dog to keep her tongue in her own mouth.

OFuckShitAndBollocks · 11/07/2018 22:22

PPS I do think your NBU tonne pussed off that he's going against what you've asked. If you ask something regarding your DC that should be respected however much FIL doesn't agree.

Mumto2two · 11/07/2018 22:23

I think there are separate issues here. I agree, if you don’t like it, they shouldn’t do it. That’s your call entirely. But the germ concern is a bit ott, seriously OP. Most people with healthy immune systems deal with viruses and common bugs quite robustly. And these bugs are mostly airborne and don’t need help with drooling grandparent’s sharing ice creams etc Smile

Original poster
Setpeace · 11/07/2018 22:30

Mum I must admit I'm really surprised you would he happy with a gaunt, ghastly looking ill man, having been floored for weeks by a mystery virus, requiring intensive checks, feeding your immune comprised dd.

Your narrowing her chances of avoiding it if someone is spooning in their germs and also if they knew of your dd circumstances personally I would feel it would be terrible behaviour.

There is simply no need to do it at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Setpeace · 11/07/2018 22:33

mum two

I don't see a problem with shoes on.

Should I keep them on next time I'm in thier house (which is v rare).
Should I start to double dip into things and use my fingers to touch food.. Lick my fingers and touch more food in this happy germ fest.
I can guarantee they wouldn't touch a thing if I did that because they would think I'm being disgusting. they loathe things like that.

OP posts:
distantstars · 11/07/2018 22:34

It's not something I would encourage but wouldn't get too stressed about it.... but saying that....

The other day at a local woodland cafe, a girl of about 5 was with her GP who bought her an ice cream... a magnum one. I thought a magnum was a strange choice for a 5 year old, and I was right the girl didn't like it... well she didn't like the chocolate part and just wanted the ice cream. Cue GM helpfully eat off the chocolate around the edge, lick off the Caramel... and then give the half sucked ice cream to her GD! Envy< sooo not envy

Rozzzzzalmost35 · 11/07/2018 22:48

Yuck - slevers! Old person slevers 🤢

Mumto2two · 11/07/2018 22:48

All I’m saying OP, is that for most children, sharing the odd ice cream or bit of dinner on a fork, is not really something to get worried about. Obviously having immune related issues makes that a somewhat riskier scenario. But for most people, that’s not the case. Your FIL is presumably older and more vulnerable by the sounds of it. A simple bug can floor a vulnerable person, so it’s not so much the bug, but how a person succumbs. Naturally you don’t want your children to be catching anything they can avoid, and in that sense I can understand your issue with the inlaws, but I do think it’s more to do with your relationship / issues with them, than anything else. Hope you resolve it. I agree with others, it’s probably best to speak to them yourself.

Merryhobnobs · 11/07/2018 22:53

I have generally been pretty relaxed about stuff like this. However after sharing an ice cream with my toddler in April I then 2 days later came down with bad tonsillitis.

Recently my toddler was hospitalised with herpes simplex (cold sore virus). She had a severe case with her whole mouth, gums, tongue and throat becoming ulcerated. It was horrific. She is okay now... but I think the sharing food will stop. The germs and bugs get passed to and fro and I don't really want any of us Ill again.