To stop fil from feeding dd off his fork.

[Setpeace]

A few years ago I sat in horror when fil fed dd who had just recovered from nasty cold, off his fork when he had just been ill with an unexplained virus.
I didn't say anything thinking it's a one-off. The next time I saw him do it I asked dh to say something.
He said not to do it, the dc get illness etc.
Fil went and did it again at bbq at our house and I didn't know what to do.
Dh again mentioned after please don't do it.
They were out with dd and she said grandpa shared his ice cream with her.

I'm actually, ironically unlike pils quite relaxed about general about cleaning, weight are shoes on house, I don't keep dc pristine, I understand it's absolutely neccsary to be exposed to lots of germs etc but this makes me feel sick.

It's not only his seeming lack of care, it's the idea that he is somehow germ free and doesn't listen to us.
Yes they have massive form for lots of things like this but I'm not sure what the next move is, if he does it when we next see them.
I'd like to stand up and say ' fil are you you OK? You have been repeadlty asked not to share forks saliva with the dc and yet you carry on doing it?' then leave.
I could try and take dd back but she is very strong willed and it could end in an argument with dd...a tussle.. Dd come here.. NO etc

Its infuriating and I have had to listen to 14 of crap about dirt, shoes off, germs.... Etc.. They are extreme with it.

There have been times when similar issues have happened with my PIL with regards to our DC.

I admit, to be really honest, it's an intimacy issue. I don't like them sharing forks. I didn't like it when my MIL was overbearing and hovering to step in to give my young baby daughter a suppository when she was ill. If she had left us alone we would have managed fine. I remember her wanting to help me bathe my son for the first time. I didn't like that.

I think grandparent relationships are awesome but they should be just that. Shared baths, co sleeping just makes me uneasy and feel protective. And maybe jealous

I know, I am weird.

tenbob just because someone says something that you don't agree with doesn't mean you can arbitrarily decree it to be 'total bullshit' without providing any justification for this. Thank you to the PP who posted the link briefly explaining the connection between sharing utensils and dental caries. It's not rocket science. If a person has untreated tooth decay their saliva is going to be a concentrated hotbed of harmful oral bacteria. But of course that couldn't possibly be transmitted to children through the sharing utensils or kissing on the lips, despite all the evidence that exists to the contrary. Because tenbob said so.

OP, just to clarify, i wasn't saying in my previous post that YOU should just get up off your arse and get another fork - i meant your FIL but i see from your reply that it's irrelevant either way.

PS: tenbob, it's now generally accepted within medical science that babies aren't born sterile...

You are the parent and allowed to ask them not to do something. In situations where grandparents have not listed to me I have said please don't ...... If I'm not listened to i say I'm just going to stop you there as that's not ok, then leave.

Your dd is 5 YEARS old. The incident with the horribly ill and geeky man sharing his fork was 2 YEARS ago. No one died then. No one died in the interim. Forks and cones are happily being shared.
I think you need to gain a sense of perspective and consider how much of your utterly unrealistic germophobia is tied up in your loathing of your ils. You need to get out more and hope to god you don’t come up against a real problem.

Why wouldn’t anyone respect the wishes of a parent in regard to their own children? You don’t have to agree with the request, just respect it.

They are putting you in a difficult position. My only advice would be to say to your PIL we love having you in dc’s life and and we respect you. Can you please respect my requests as a parent, it’s important to me. Hopefully they can see that is your right.

The whole germ thing is nuts, my dd kissed a snail the other day, I really could not be bothered to get worked up about a grandparent sharing ice cream with her, although if your daughter is poorly or has allergies that would make it more understandable.
He should though, listen to what you have asked and not share any more, if it is that important to you you need to teach your dd to say no too, at 5 she's old enough to say she doesn't want to share cutlery, ice creams etc.

Regardless of germs, it’s just bad manners.

Get some balls and intercept it when you see it. Why do so many women sit back and then tell their husbands to do the dirty work.
If you’d said no very firmly the first time you might not have had to deal with this again.
My ex husbands dad attempted to do this once and I said something - very clearly and everyone then knew where we stood including my dd who then knew to refuse if I wasn’t around.

I am at a loss as to why so many women sit by and do fuck all then moan about it all over here.

He shared his fork having just had a nasty virus?? And you don’t think it could be passed on by other means besides sharing forks??? Just breathing the same air is enough to pass an airborne bug around. Speak to your doctor if you’re that concerned, I’m sure they’ll put your mind at rest..

Here we go again
OP - AIBU?
most other posters - yes this is quite common, you're overreacting
OP - no I'm not 😠😠
Why do you ask for opinions if you just want people to agree with you? You obviously haven't found it off the internet and you're unlikely to find unwavering blind support here either 🙄

Tell him yourself to stop using the fucking fork. It’s your child as well. Don’t be timid.

Fully agree. Fucking snowflakes

I don't understand what is wrong with people on here. I agree with the OP, it is wrong. And I mean, even forgetting about the period where he was ill, it is simply a dirty, disgusting, revolting practice. What is wrong with people that they actually think this is ok? In what possible world or stratosphere or planet can feeding a child from a fork with your saliva on it, actually be normal, sanitary and civilised? I do not understand what I am reading on here. It seems to me sometimes that people are brought up on a rubbish dump or something.

It’s more of a psychological thing for children, when they are fed off of other peoples plates, forks, spoons, given a bite of someone’s apple, bar of chocolate etc they will always think they are entitled to it and then they won’t eat their own.
My (stupid ass, neglectful, vile, horrid ‘SIL’) used to feed of her plate, and now the 13 year old thinks that if it’s on anyone’s plate she can have some and leave her own! It’s a nightmare
Give children their own food plate ffs it’s not rocket science

SalemBlackCat
Have you not paid any attention at all?
It is not dirty or disgusting to share a fork, especially with a blood relative. It's positively beneficial for a child to build a strong immune system.
Read up on it!
The child's parents exchanged bodily fluids to conceive the child....was that dirty and disgusting too?

It's one of those things that some people are disgusted over and others are the opposite, isn't it? I had the same discussion with my adult niece and her mum, my SIL, a few months ago. My niece said she could never share food with her DCs, even when they were babies. She found it disgusting to eat off someone else's plate or use their cutlery, toothbrush etc. I feel totally the same. But my SIL couldn't see anything wrong with it. I wouldn't be worried about catching anything TBH, I just don't want to share saliva with anyone else.
I think OP, that is why you aren't getting anywhere with this thread. It's something half of us are okay with and half of us aren't and we can't really get the other point of view.

Sorry I don’t see a problem with this

Completely with you on this one I think it’s gross and not very hygenic atall. At the end of the day you are teaching that child that it’s okay to share cutlery plates etc.

All you who have said that she’s over reacting or being precious etc how would you feel if this happened

You take your child and their friend out for a meal in a restaurant and your child’s friend licked your cutlery or shared off your plate drank from your cup etc and didn’t seem to understand what the problem was. Or if they licked a serving spoon and put it back in the food that was for everyone to share. How would you feel then??

This grand father is teaching the child it is okay to do this... and also teaching the child that their parents veiws and what they say don’t matter/can be ignored

I would be just as angry op!!! You are NOT unreasonable and you are not being precious.... stand your ground and tell him again and again till he gets the message!!!

Bloody rude!

Sorry to say I didn’t read all the comments I got half way through and got angry that half of you thought this was okay so jumped in....

Depending on DD's age I would imagine that the problem will resolve itself. She will turn round one day and go "EWWWW", and you won't have to worry anymore

At the end of the day you are teaching that child that it’s okay to share cutlery plates etc.

Yes, that’s my view also. A child has to fit in with the family and if the family has bad manners then that’s life, but when it is something that will get them into trouble at school or singled out in society, it’s a shame.

Bloody hell!....sharing from the same cutlery or plate with family members won't turn a child into a rampant food stealer from strangers or friends plates!!
How stupid do you think your children are that they won't understand its not something you do with everyone?!
We've done this in our family and none of us think it's something you do with just anyone or without knowing the person is ok with it.
Honestly, there are too many paranoid and precious people on here.

Do you know saliva passes gum diseases? That leads to heart trouble. Think I'm gassing you? Had a boy friend with gum disease and I got it from him. Lost all my teeth.

Did you know saliva passes cold sores? Yes it does.

Gotta get moving, sorry But if a child grows up with something that is ‘norm’ to them in their household they will assume that is the way of the world and how everyone does it... because they have never known any different....

I’m trained in child development .... not paranoid

OP - I agree with everything you say and I am a MiL