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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop fil from feeding dd off his fork.

273 replies

Setpeace · 10/07/2018 13:00

A few years ago I sat in horror when fil fed dd who had just recovered from nasty cold, off his fork when he had just been ill with an unexplained virus.
I didn't say anything thinking it's a one-off. The next time I saw him do it I asked dh to say something.
He said not to do it, the dc get illness etc.
Fil went and did it again at bbq at our house and I didn't know what to do.
Dh again mentioned after please don't do it.
They were out with dd and she said grandpa shared his ice cream with her.

I'm actually, ironically unlike pils quite relaxed about general about cleaning, weight are shoes on house, I don't keep dc pristine, I understand it's absolutely neccsary to be exposed to lots of germs etc but this makes me feel sick.

It's not only his seeming lack of care, it's the idea that he is somehow germ free and doesn't listen to us.
Yes they have massive form for lots of things like this but I'm not sure what the next move is, if he does it when we next see them.
I'd like to stand up and say ' fil are you you OK? You have been repeadlty asked not to share forks saliva with the dc and yet you carry on doing it?' then leave.
I could try and take dd back but she is very strong willed and it could end in an argument with dd...a tussle.. Dd come here.. NO etc

Its infuriating and I have had to listen to 14 of crap about dirt, shoes off, germs.... Etc.. They are extreme with it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Setpeace · 10/07/2018 16:12

Yes tcc. Just be bacically respectful. We have bitten lips over so much else. I don't want think it's to much to ask.

I'm quite relaxed over other stuff.

OP posts:
TSSDNCOP · 10/07/2018 16:13

Actually I was just thinking, at a fete last week I was scoffing a magnum when a friends little boy came along and literally clamped his mouth (which was already full of sandwich) round the top.

My friend was totally unbothered, beyond laughing. Now I’m wondering if she was mentally working out where the nearest walk-in was?

DayManChampionOfTheSun · 10/07/2018 16:16

What were the other complaints then OP?

Nanny0gg · 10/07/2018 16:20

Isn’t there something in adult saliva that damages baby teeth? I’m sure I read something on here about that.

Youwhat?

How did my DC end up with mouthfuls of lovely teeth then?

My DGC are always scrounging. It’s a way of them trying something new.

I get it that it’s not nice if he’s not well but otherwise I think it’s fine.

DistanceCall · 10/07/2018 16:26

I'd like to stand up and say ' fil are you you OK? You have been repeadlty asked not to share forks saliva with the dc and yet you carry on doing it?'

You don't need to stand up or leave. You can say that when it happens.

Original poster
Setpeace · 10/07/2018 16:42

Tss, if the little boy who did the clamping had been seriously ill, needing tests done, rapid weight loss . Maybe she would have been. Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
Setpeace · 10/07/2018 16:45

Distance...

Long and painful experience has shown me they don't listen. This the problem.
If I say that but don't leave he will just argue back why there is no issue it's his grandchild and perfectly normal to feed back yer gc off your cutlery.

OP posts:
Original poster
Setpeace · 10/07/2018 16:45

nanny

It's true, if you you Google it, loads of articles come up on passing bacteria to dc via slavia

OP posts:
goose1964 · 10/07/2018 16:50

I feed DGS off my fork , he's coming up for 18 months . Apparently the transfer of bacteria between us is a good thing .

LyndseyKola · 10/07/2018 16:51

Urgh, that’s disgusting.

But the bigger issue here is that he is disrespecting your own boundaries around your child. You’ve asked him not to do it and he keeps doing it (even doing it when you’re not around!). That’s an issue, whatever the behaviour.

You’ve been palming it off onto DH so far but clearly FIL is ignoring him. Time for you to say something to him. Don’t try and make it less awkward by playing it down and smiling and joking, he’ll just think it’s no big deal. Be firm and honest and make it clear that it stops now.

spidey66 · 10/07/2018 16:56

I can't see the problem with it. It could be a way of introducing her to new foods. But I'm a skank who thinks a bit of muck is good for your immunity.

I wear my shoes indoors as well (well sometimes I do, sometimes I don't, it depends on many things.)

LyndseyKola · 10/07/2018 17:04

Actually I was just thinking, at a fete last week I was scoffing a magnum when a friends little boy came along and literally clamped his mouth (which was already full of sandwich) round the top.

My friend was totally unbothered, beyond laughing.

How old was he? Old enough to understand manners or whether he’d done something wrong?

As actually I’d find that quite rude (and gross, I definitely wouldn’t be able to carry on eating it with someone else’s sandwich filled mouth having been around it) and I’d be quite surprised at his mum just finding it funny and laughing it off.

If he was extremely little I’d have considered it my fault for having it so close to his face.

Bit of a nasty post though. OP hasn’t for a second suggested FIL is causing an emergency that needs immediate medical help, so your exaggerating might be funny to you but it makes your point irrelevant.

Original poster
Setpeace · 10/07/2018 17:06

He doesn't listen.

This is my problem. If I said the moon was in the sky he would simply argue why it isn't

OP posts:
TSSDNCOP · 10/07/2018 17:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

LyndseyKola · 10/07/2018 17:08

Wait, so you think you could directly, outright tell him not to do something with your child, or to do something specific with her, and he’d refuse?

This is much bigger than the fork and ice cream stuff OP. I don’t think you can be sure your DD is safe with anyone who doesn’t respect what you say as her mum goes, can you?

Right now it’s this, what about when she’s older and you ask him not to let her out of his sight in a park? Or to make sure he doesn’t give her a food she is allergic to?

LyndseyKola · 10/07/2018 17:10

Are you okay, TSS? Only you’re acting as if I know you, and you seem extremely upset/angry, but I don’t know who you are and I said nothing that would warrant such an odd response Hmm

Confusedbeetle · 10/07/2018 17:12

Overreacting, She is not a newborn, her immune system is up and working and learning to fight off germs. Unless there is an overt infection there is no issue here except your sensibilities

TSSDNCOP · 10/07/2018 17:13

Perfectly thank you Lynsey, so do save your little headtilts.

LyndseyKola · 10/07/2018 17:14

Genuinely glad to hear it :)

Original poster
Setpeace · 10/07/2018 17:21

I can't really say it again.

When I first saw him do it he was in last throws of infection!! He looked skeletal, crashed out sleeping totally unlike him... Dropped loads of weight, had to have blood samples, urine samples.. He had been extremely unwell.

Dd was then 3 and also had been ill with severe cold. Ie she was quite weak. He happily fed off his fork with no thought to this.

Anyway no point saying same thing things over and over. I find it odd on lipstick thread most people agree ignoring op and repeatedly doing it is disrespectful but this is OK Confused

It's the dis respect and fact he doesn't listen I was hoping for pointers on what to do when he does it again in front of us.

OP posts:
LyndseyKola · 10/07/2018 17:32

listen I was hoping for pointers on what to do when he does it again in front of us.

But you’ve just said I can't really say it again.

So which is it? Cos your first sentence makes it sound like you’ve decided you’ve said it enough now and even though he keeps doing it you’re not going to pursue this any further. So you want advice on what?

After the thread so far, what are your thoughts? Are you gonna do or say anything, or just let him carry on?

LyndseyKola · 10/07/2018 17:34

Don’t worry about the way the thread has gone, usually it’s just random as the first few posts set the tone then people start getting nasty and everyone else either jumps on the nasty bandwagon or is afraid to be the odd one out. Happens all the bloody time on here. As you’ve seen from the lipstick thread the consensus is pretty much random on any threads about this kind of stuff.

I feel sorry for people who go out of their way to be actively nasty and vicious on a forum, don’t take it to heart Flowers

AudiQ2 · 10/07/2018 17:39

I just LOVE how it's perfectly fine for you and your husband to do, but nobody else?!?!?!

pallisers · 10/07/2018 17:39

Unless there is an overt infection there is no issue here except your sensibilities

Isn't that enough though? I don't lick other people's ice creams, don't share forks, don't share bottles even with dh. it may not be logical but it is just my preference. I was reared by pretty chill parents who would do all of those things but I was like that even as a child. I hate watching cooking shows where the cook tastes something and then puts the spoon back in the pot. I'm fine with most other things. It doesn't make me "a loon" as someone suggested about the OP upthread.

I would have stopped my dad sharing a fork with my toddler because I really don't like it (once the kid is older they can decide themselves - all of mine are happy fork sharers now). He would listen to me even if he thought I was a bit uptight. What is wrong with that? The FIL should listen to her.

Original poster
Setpeace · 10/07/2018 17:45

Lydnsey I meant on here I can't keep repeating that he was ill, he had been worryingly ill... And then shared the fork.. Showing me he does not think about these things.

He could agree his germs then announce.. He has Dv.

Anyway...

OP posts: