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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop fil from feeding dd off his fork.

273 replies

Setpeace · 10/07/2018 13:00

A few years ago I sat in horror when fil fed dd who had just recovered from nasty cold, off his fork when he had just been ill with an unexplained virus.
I didn't say anything thinking it's a one-off. The next time I saw him do it I asked dh to say something.
He said not to do it, the dc get illness etc.
Fil went and did it again at bbq at our house and I didn't know what to do.
Dh again mentioned after please don't do it.
They were out with dd and she said grandpa shared his ice cream with her.

I'm actually, ironically unlike pils quite relaxed about general about cleaning, weight are shoes on house, I don't keep dc pristine, I understand it's absolutely neccsary to be exposed to lots of germs etc but this makes me feel sick.

It's not only his seeming lack of care, it's the idea that he is somehow germ free and doesn't listen to us.
Yes they have massive form for lots of things like this but I'm not sure what the next move is, if he does it when we next see them.
I'd like to stand up and say ' fil are you you OK? You have been repeadlty asked not to share forks saliva with the dc and yet you carry on doing it?' then leave.
I could try and take dd back but she is very strong willed and it could end in an argument with dd...a tussle.. Dd come here.. NO etc

Its infuriating and I have had to listen to 14 of crap about dirt, shoes off, germs.... Etc.. They are extreme with it.

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 10/07/2018 13:29

He could well just be doing it as a reflex rather than to wilfully defy you. I'm a sharer, right down to letting acquaintances or even strangers swig from my water bottle in nightclubs and when running, and I don't really think about it as I hand the bottle over. For that reason I think you do need to spell it out, it isn't just forks it's the saliva issue.

chrysalis7 · 10/07/2018 13:29

Sorry - it's GRIM not grin!!!

Waitingonasmiley42 · 10/07/2018 13:29

I can understand your concerns when they’ve been ill and could possibly pass on an infection. Illness aside, I can’t understand what’s wrong with him feeding your dd from his fork.

I think you are being OTT and clearly dislike them but I accept I might be off the mark.

longwayoff · 10/07/2018 13:31

With waiting. stop being precious

charliefarli · 10/07/2018 13:32

Im with you OP. Fils behaviour is gross.

TeddyIsaHe · 10/07/2018 13:32

I find it hilarious the things people find so shocking! I honestly cannot see the issue with this, it’s not like he’s sneezing on her face deliberately. They are sharing food, it’s sweet.

What are you going to be like when your children start kissing boyfriends/girlfriends?! All that stranger saliva, terrifying Grin

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 10/07/2018 13:32

Although this is something that wouldn't bother me, if you've asked him not to then he should respect that.

DieAntword · 10/07/2018 13:33

A random stranger is no more or less likely to pass something on, there aren't magical germ and bug stopping properties within families.

Yeah but within families its almost inevitably going to be caught anyway so whether it's the fork or the kiss or the hug or the touching things around the house it's all the same in the end.

Unless the kid is immune suppressed it's probably not a big deal.

Waitingonasmiley42 · 10/07/2018 13:33

etino I didn’t for a second believe a stranger is more “germy”, however I can understand feelings of disgust at sharing a fork with a stranger. Sharing a fork or water bottle etc. with someone you know seems normal to me. My standards of hygiene must just be incredibly low. Confused

Racecardriver · 10/07/2018 13:33

Fundamentally they could be carrying all kinds of disgusting things without realising. My father is the picture of health but tested positive for help c antibodies once (no sign of actual help c) and he is very strict about hygiene (former doctor). It's really not good practice. I agree with pp that you should explain to your DD why it us dirty to share utensils and then let her decide if she wants to take the risk as she gets older. Slack hygenie is why we suffer meningitis outbreaks and the like. Completely avoidable.

Racecardriver · 10/07/2018 13:35

@dieantwood not necessarily though. Not all diseases are airborne and germs do not survive long without a host.

TeddyIsaHe · 10/07/2018 13:35

Race I would love to see some sources that say meningitis outbreaks are because grandparents share food with their grandchildren!

Amshook · 10/07/2018 13:36

I wouldn’t be happy at all. DGD always wants what I’m having to eat. I always put a bit out of my dish or plate on her plate before I start eating for her to try. Some illnesses are infectious before you are symptomatic so you don’t always know if you’re unwell.

Am probably OTT and know lots of people eat with their hand helping themselves from a communal plate and no doubt have iron immune systems but like you I don’t want DGD eating food off my fork.

ProperLavs · 10/07/2018 13:39

Op I honestly think you are being precious. The chances are she's having her immune system strengthened. So in the 2 years that this has been going one what illnesses has she caught from you fil Exactly?

Original poster
Setpeace · 10/07/2018 13:40

But I think shoes off in their house is unnecessary I'm not going to bend down and lick their carpet... I'm not going to get germs neither are they but if I feed fil my fork he might..

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 10/07/2018 13:40

Not sure what the problem is. Most illnesses are airborne, my kids ate dirt and still survived. Surely sharing a ice cream and eating off the same fork is not going to kill anyone?

Sirzy · 10/07/2018 13:41

I am with those who think you are being completely over the top!

DieAntword · 10/07/2018 13:42

@Racecardriver yeah but generally speaking the diseases are going to be coughs, colds, flu on a bad day. I am sure he's not going to be offering his fork if he has norovirus or something.

LemonysSnicket · 10/07/2018 13:43

If he's been recently ill that's not on but otherwise it's a pretty normal thing to do. Shoes on in the house is gross though.

ProperLavs · 10/07/2018 13:45

He has germs on his hand, germs that come out of his nose and mouth too. When he breathes, when he touches her hands and she puts her hands in her mouth. When he gives her something he touches it, she touches it. You may as well keep every human being away from her then .
I genuinely think it's bonkers to live your life being phobic like that.

nowshesaturtle · 10/07/2018 13:46

OP I feel your pain.

My PIL both did this with DD and it made me gip. They both had loose false teeth and, fairly or not, it really did gross me out.

Interestingly, later the same day when I shared some of my ice cream with DD I saw them both also pull a grossed out face!

I suppose you can guess from this that the PILs and I have a strained relationship Grin

LaurieMarlow · 10/07/2018 13:46

I wouldn't have the slightest problem with this, sounds like a huge fuss over nothing.

We're not hung up on germs in this house and we're never sick. Immune systems have to be built.

ProperLavs · 10/07/2018 13:47

Surely shoes off in the house is about minimising dirt not minimising germs?
Kids put all sort of shit in their mouths.

Shortstuff08 · 10/07/2018 13:47

Shoes off in the house isn't just a term thing. It's a looking after your carpet thing.

Tbh, I don't get the fuss. He wasn't currently ill.

You baby will have licked carpets and all sorts of stuff in the last 2 year's. Things far more get my than grandad fork.

GeorgeIII · 10/07/2018 13:47

I don't see why he has to offer forks of food to her.
Surely she has her own plate.
If you've asked him not too I'd say it was pa and deliberate.