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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop fil from feeding dd off his fork.

273 replies

Setpeace · 10/07/2018 13:00

A few years ago I sat in horror when fil fed dd who had just recovered from nasty cold, off his fork when he had just been ill with an unexplained virus.
I didn't say anything thinking it's a one-off. The next time I saw him do it I asked dh to say something.
He said not to do it, the dc get illness etc.
Fil went and did it again at bbq at our house and I didn't know what to do.
Dh again mentioned after please don't do it.
They were out with dd and she said grandpa shared his ice cream with her.

I'm actually, ironically unlike pils quite relaxed about general about cleaning, weight are shoes on house, I don't keep dc pristine, I understand it's absolutely neccsary to be exposed to lots of germs etc but this makes me feel sick.

It's not only his seeming lack of care, it's the idea that he is somehow germ free and doesn't listen to us.
Yes they have massive form for lots of things like this but I'm not sure what the next move is, if he does it when we next see them.
I'd like to stand up and say ' fil are you you OK? You have been repeadlty asked not to share forks saliva with the dc and yet you carry on doing it?' then leave.
I could try and take dd back but she is very strong willed and it could end in an argument with dd...a tussle.. Dd come here.. NO etc

Its infuriating and I have had to listen to 14 of crap about dirt, shoes off, germs.... Etc.. They are extreme with it.

OP posts:
FASH84 · 10/07/2018 14:54

It's quite precious, my DN was here Sunday I had an ice lolly, she'd been offered I've but said no thank you, I was sitting on the sofa holding the lolly in my right hand and looking left to talk to her mum, the next thing I know loads of giggling, I turn to my right to see her deliberately licking my whole ice lolly, I told her she was being cheeky, but she was clearly doing it as a joke, as a toddler i'd imagine she's pretty germ ridden but I still ate the rest of my lolly. We have had to give her a long chat about sharing food with our cat and GPs dog, ages an only child at the moment so there had been lots of talk about needing to share and she's just taken it to the extreme. Unless your DC is immunocompromised I think you're being a bit fussy

Original poster
Setpeace · 10/07/2018 14:55

Brexit it would definalty be we are wrong it's not important and further more... It's his gc and he will do as he pleases.

He doesn't value us or listen to us at all. Mil the same. Always talk down to us..

OP posts:
SlartiAardvark · 10/07/2018 14:56

relations are very strained anyway

I'm not surprised, his DIL is a loon...

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 10/07/2018 14:56

To me it would be completely normal to share a fork or ice-cream with a young child in the family. However, if somebody made a fuss about it I would politely follow their procedures (while thinking "Unclench, Weirdo").

Original poster
Setpeace · 10/07/2018 14:58

Dd not immune compromised but she has a condition where she has been hospitalised a few times.
If he had flu but not come out and didn't realise yes it may cause her issues.. Anything like that. I'd just rather he didn't do it. I'm very conscious of being ill and trying to keep germs from dc. They pick up enough at school!

OP posts:
Iamtryingtobenicehere · 10/07/2018 14:59

@sharonneedles, hardly a “loving grandparent” if he can’t even take a simple instruction re the welfare of his granddaughter.
If he chooses to ignore this, what will he ignore in the future? He needs to respect the parents wishes, then he can be considered a “loving” grandparent. For now, he’s just an ignorant old man.

Original poster
Setpeace · 10/07/2018 15:01

Really slarti?

A loon for being concerned a man who lost a vast amount of weight very quickly, couldn't get out of bed for weeks, had to have blood, urine checks.. Etc.. Then shared a fork with my dd who herself had just had a nasty cold.

Wow. I'd call that natural instinct not wishing this nasty virus on my dc if we can at all help it.

OP posts:
SchadenfreudePersonified · 10/07/2018 15:05

I wouldn't be worrying massively about germs (I bet that at that age she kisses her parents and grandparents on the mouth), but I WOULD worry that if she or he slips/sneezes/whatever, she will end up with a fork in her eye or jabbed into her mouth or face.

Sharing (even if there's enough money for people to have their own) is fine - it teaches children to be generous,

SchadenfreudePersonified · 10/07/2018 15:06

Though TBH, if you have asked and then told him not to do it - he shouldn't, even if it was the safest action in the world.

Original poster
Setpeace · 10/07/2018 15:06

tawdry

The funny thing is I have never met two such clenched people. Grin going to their house is a minefield of rules and regulations. I had never been in such an uptight environment. As I said previously Mil doesn't even like hand made food.

Having lived with minutiae shoved in my face for so long, this action after his illness really surprised me. I would have expected them to to be hot on germs etc.

OP posts:
Iwantaunicorn · 10/07/2018 15:10

I don’t think it would be an issue for me (babies are too young currently!), but she’s YOUR DD, therefore your wishes should be followed. I’d start by having a polite chat in private with FIL, then if it keeps happening I’d get more and more vocal and direct in public. Obviously this would mean my putting on my big girl pants (which I’m normally quite scared to do), but I find when it comes to my kids I’m quite quickly getting braver!

kikibo · 10/07/2018 15:12

Were it not for passing on bacteria that cause tooth decay, I wouldn't necessarily be bothered about sharing food from the same implement, unless the person in question was pretty badly ill at the time (if symptoms subside ghe bacteria or virus is dead).

You may not think about it straight away, but it's basically like sharing a toothbrush. We don't do that either.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 10/07/2018 15:16

The funny thing is I have never met two such clenched people

Ah, in that case I would guess it's how they were raised (which would have been usual for the times) and therefore CORRECT, and therefore must be stuck to. It's probably just another one of their rules!

Original poster
Setpeace · 10/07/2018 15:17

Iwantaunicorn

I can't have a private chat with him. He doesn't listen. He doesn't respect. He ignores.

He doesn't value us or even like us much. This is why I posted, what on earth can I do bar leave if he does it again in front of us.

OP posts:
Gottagetmoving · 10/07/2018 15:20

I can't see its a problem unless he is actually ill with something contagious. Children's immune systems do benefit from this. I read an article about the huge increase in childhood leukaemia being linked to children not having this sort of contact with family members including grandparents and aunties, uncles and cousins etc plus homes that are too 'sterile'

NurseButtercup · 10/07/2018 15:25

Dd came home with lots of complaints

I do think this is more about you not getting on with your fil, so you're using this issue to potentially pick a massive fight and fall out.

My advice, I agree with pp speak to him about it again.

I think you said your DD is 6? If she's old enough to make complaints then she's old enough to understand the message not to share utensils with anybody, including GP.

p.s. If you want to reduce contact with fil + mil go ahead no explanation is required.

Gottagetmoving · 10/07/2018 15:27

Shoes in the house in rank. God knows how much faeces you step on everyday and now it's on your carpets/floors. Gross

Where do you live that the pavements are flowing over with faeces?
We don't wear shoes in the house either but not for that reason!
When I was a child people didn't routinely take their shoes off indoors and I can't think of anyone I know, including babies, dying or even being ill because of it.
Germ hysteria is ridiculous.

Original poster
Setpeace · 10/07/2018 15:29

He was ill got. That's the point, he had been very ill and who knows whether that illness had gone or not when he fed dd. This is the worry.

I wouldn't have done it nor would dh. We both get flu jabs as well to protect dds not ourselves, we ever had them previously.

Maybe gp do it because they live in extreme clean environment. Show home. Maybe this is what they do to off set that Grin.

Mil freaks out if you wash hands in wrong sink, use wrong tea towel for wrong job, sees hair on floor, teeny drips anywhere.. Dust is non existent etc.. Maybe this is a the counter balance

OP posts:
Original poster
Setpeace · 10/07/2018 15:32

Nurse she is very good now with not sharing utensils but he obviously blind sided her with the ice cream.
Fil won't listen.

So what do I do when he does it again in front of us. Hopefully dd would say something but he has a way of talking, a sort of sales pitch.. Ie ' come here gc and sit on gp lap you love sharing food with gp dont you it's wondeful' and its sort of leading and before know we're you are...

OP posts:
NotUmbongoUnchained · 10/07/2018 15:32

Don’t see the problem really.

Last night my daughter took a chewed up haribo out of her mouth and gave it to my son. Who ate it.

Original poster
Setpeace · 10/07/2018 15:41

Dh does it and I have never minded because I don't need too. It's not ideal, he never does it deliberately and I know he would be aware if he had been ill not to pass to dd

OP posts:
Gottagetmoving · 10/07/2018 15:53

He was ill got. That's the point, he had been very ill and who knows whether that illness had gone or not when he fed dd. This is the worry

I agreed it's not a good idea if he is ill so that's the issue you need to raise with fil. You seem bothered about it in general though?

SugarIsAmazing · 10/07/2018 15:55

I think it's fine but then I share with my dogs Grin

Vikbat · 10/07/2018 16:01

I think the issue here is that the FIL is ignoring the OP's request. If he's been ill, then yes it's horrible. If he is anything like my FIL he could be doing it to annoy. In which case he is an irritating get. Tell him straight.

TSSDNCOP · 10/07/2018 16:07

Is there literally anything at all that in-laws can do right?