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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop fil from feeding dd off his fork.

273 replies

Setpeace · 10/07/2018 13:00

A few years ago I sat in horror when fil fed dd who had just recovered from nasty cold, off his fork when he had just been ill with an unexplained virus.
I didn't say anything thinking it's a one-off. The next time I saw him do it I asked dh to say something.
He said not to do it, the dc get illness etc.
Fil went and did it again at bbq at our house and I didn't know what to do.
Dh again mentioned after please don't do it.
They were out with dd and she said grandpa shared his ice cream with her.

I'm actually, ironically unlike pils quite relaxed about general about cleaning, weight are shoes on house, I don't keep dc pristine, I understand it's absolutely neccsary to be exposed to lots of germs etc but this makes me feel sick.

It's not only his seeming lack of care, it's the idea that he is somehow germ free and doesn't listen to us.
Yes they have massive form for lots of things like this but I'm not sure what the next move is, if he does it when we next see them.
I'd like to stand up and say ' fil are you you OK? You have been repeadlty asked not to share forks saliva with the dc and yet you carry on doing it?' then leave.
I could try and take dd back but she is very strong willed and it could end in an argument with dd...a tussle.. Dd come here.. NO etc

Its infuriating and I have had to listen to 14 of crap about dirt, shoes off, germs.... Etc.. They are extreme with it.

OP posts:
LaurieMarlow · 10/07/2018 14:18

Jeez Iam you sound unhinged.

I'm feeling sorry for this poor grandpa who's not only to be cut out of his grand daughters life but also put in a home confused for such a non issue.

PickwickThePlockingDodo · 10/07/2018 14:18

If he doesn’t understand that , he needs a retirement home.

He need a retirement home for sharing an ice-cream with his GD? Jeez. It's a few germs people, lighten up. I'm sure your DD is stronger because your FIL does this.

Original poster
Setpeace · 10/07/2018 14:19

sharron they aren't that great actually, that's a whole other thread. It's the food sharing again that I'm worried about when we see them again and what to do.

If he does it again in front of us it's more pissing all over a boundary that we set.

OP posts:
Thehop · 10/07/2018 14:20

Dd itssirty how grandad feeds you on his fork and is r it mean? Tell him you prefer your own food!

IncyWincyMouseRat · 10/07/2018 14:20

Wouldn’t bother me tbh.

Maelstrop · 10/07/2018 14:22

Isn’t there something in adult saliva that damages baby teeth? I’m sure I read something on here about that. Just don’t sit her near him at table.

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/07/2018 14:22

My fil and (mil when she was alive) wipes his mouth on the tea towel, rinses his eyes in the kitchen sink and dries them on the tea towel. Then uses the tea towel for drying hands/dishes.

When he used to visit I had to stop him from rinsing his false teeth and mouth in the wash basin in the downstairs loo and drying teeth and mouth on the communal hand towel. How did i know he was doing it? By the masticated food debris he left on the sink and towel.

After I told him not to do it there, he then proceeded to do the same in the kitchen sink until I told him he had to do it in his ensuite bathroom. He does this in his kitchen sink at home. 🤢

When he gets butter out of the fridge, he licks the knife to warm it up before cutting it.

Sharing utensils is the least of my worries around fil. He is undiagnosed autistic I believe and there is no way I can persuade him to act differently. All of this is fine when he is alone of course but not when we visit. 😩

Original poster
Setpeace · 10/07/2018 14:26

Grin Laurie, its not this one issues this one issue in much larger picture. I'm mentioning this because it will probably happen again in front of us. And my instinct would be to leave.

Pils have shown no respect for us at all over the years, but this would be flouting his power and position over us one too many times.

Re reading my op, if that's all posters are seeing... Poor sweet elderly granny buying a wondeful treat to share with grandchild, I too would think it's mean ish not to ignore.. A one off.

But it's not the case, it's not a one off, relations are very strained anyway.

OP posts:
tenbob · 10/07/2018 14:31

My DC share ice creams with the dog... I can only dream of sharing with just a family member

I know everyone loves 'my baby, my rules' but this is not the hill I would chose to die on

Your DD has a lovely close relationship with her GF. Embrace it, don't make it awkward for them both because you have got hygiene hang ups

Original poster
Setpeace · 10/07/2018 14:31

candle

Actually he is very tight when out, and dd is 6! she has been brought her own ice creams for years!
They have not been at all pleasant over the the years and I feel they are still lucky to see the gc occasionally. So why not simply do one thing that's asked.. Just eat your own food...

OP posts:
LastOneDancing · 10/07/2018 14:33

This reminds me of those shows where some health inspector swabs a filthy toilet door handle and we're supposed to be shocked that it's covered in coliforms.

Life isn't sterile. People are teeming with bacteria, even the clean ones. Food is pretty rank until it's washed or cooked. The bags and bottles food comes in is pretty gross too and they often go on the worktops etc.
I can't get excited about family sharing an ice cream cone or a fork with my kids. How much saliva gets on cutlery anyway? My DS2 wiped his mouth on a toilet seat this morning before I could stop him Confused children are vile.

But I DO understand your concerns more if they're deliberately goading you by doing it.

Original poster
Setpeace · 10/07/2018 14:33

It's not that close actually! Unfortunately because the area both so difficult.
Because they don't listen!
Dd came home with lots of complaints.

OP posts:
TeddyIsaHe · 10/07/2018 14:34

So you have picked up on a minor annoyance and using that to get pissed off about, instead of actually dealing with whatever issues you have with your PIL. Ok, totally mature, adult behaviour there Hmm

sockunicorn · 10/07/2018 14:35

i would go to their house and walk in with my shoes on. then ignore them when they ask you to remove them. then, when they lose their shit, explain this is what they do to you with DD. rinse and repeat everytime they ignore you.

Original poster
Setpeace · 10/07/2018 14:36

Yy the last one.

But in my mind I see two people caring very much about their carpets, their material possessions, poor dh pulled up many times over small indiscretions I wouldn't get upset or excited about, eg crumb on floor, tea drip onto floor, wrong clothes used etc.

And yet a very recently sick man is happy to shove his fork into small dc mouth.. It feels like lack of care.

But that's not the issue I have asked not to do it

OP posts:
GertrudeBelle · 10/07/2018 14:36

*Dd came home with lots of complaints”

Yeah and I bet you hated that.

wowsertrousers · 10/07/2018 14:37

OP, im with you on this 100% - both from a bacteria point of view and a respecting your boundaries point of view. Child aren't born with the kind of oral bacteria that cause tooth decay or gum disease. Said bacteria is transmitted from adults. How hard is it to get up off your arse and grab another fork for god's sake. Not hard at all.

Aside from that, this is YOUR child, not his. And he needs to respect all decisions that YOU have made regarding your child. I would be seriously pissed off at him continually disregarding what you and your OH have asked him to do.

Pressuredrip · 10/07/2018 14:40

Oh do get a grip.

tenbob · 10/07/2018 14:40

Child aren't born with the kind of oral bacteria that cause tooth decay or gum disease.

Eh?! Children aren't born with any bacteria. That's how immune systems develop

And this:
Said bacteria is transmitted from adults.
Is total bullshit Confused

BrexitWife · 10/07/2018 14:42

I can't see any issue with that tbh. And I agree about not obsessing about dirt etc too.

HOWEVER, you express a boundary for your dd and I think it needs to be respected.
I wouod also keep in mind that he might do it because he as decided it’s not that Important. Or he is still doing it because he doesn’t think about it (I wouod need to be really extra careful all the time to remember it and not slip iyswim).

So my advice wouod be to see why your fil isnstill feeding your dd from his fork etc... does he genuinely forget or he thinks you are wrong and has decided to ignore you?
Both situations need a different type of answer.

noeffingidea · 10/07/2018 14:44

My MIL used to do this with my son when he was a baby and I used to hate it.
I wouldn't use a fork or spoon that someone else had used so I wouldn't expect my kids to either. Everyone gets their own plates and cutlery in our house, don't think thats too much to expect.

LML83 · 10/07/2018 14:46

I don't agree sharing fork is an issue, but they should respect your wishes.

Depends how much of a fuss you want to make about it. What does your dh think? I would say it's his call.

All grandparents of my children struggle to say no to my kids so if she asked, or looked like she would like some they would struggle not to.

What is his intention? To be nice to DD or to wind you up? If it's to give DD something she would like i would let it go. If it's part of a bigger issue then I would struggle with it.

Bibesia · 10/07/2018 14:47

I may be missing something here, but I can't see how sharing an ice cream is inevitably unhygienic anyway. Your FiL may have done so by cutting it in half and putting half on your child's plate, or by letting him dig his own spoon in, or letting him lick the untouched side of ice cream in a cone. No bodily liquids being shared with your child in any of those scenarios.

Original poster
Setpeace · 10/07/2018 14:50

Wowser each time he done it there has been plenty of cutlery, it's not about a lack of fork more, sit on grandpa lap and let me feed you.

Feeding her so soon after his illness really concerned me. It's not something I would do myself after serous virus. I would be very conscious of just being very ill and would not share my food even if I had no issue with it.

If he hadn't done it at that time, I would probably have bitten my tongue, and said nothing. But it showed me lack of awareness. So we tried to ask him not to do it.

To the poster who said something about dd complaints.. No it didn't make me happy.

It made me feel sad that dd had not had a a great day and it makes me feel said that they are so rigid, and they don't listen and that as they the gc are getting older they enjoy spending time with thier gp less and less.
I'd love them to be lovely gp, but they don't listen to anyone and just do their own thing thing over everything. It's very hard to live with especially in the this particular instance.. If fil does it at family bday coming up

OP posts:
madja · 10/07/2018 14:53

www.mychildrensteeth.org/education/parent_fact_sheet_on_caries_bacteria/

I don't like this either. There's plenty of info online as to why it's not a good idea to share utensils etc with young children.
The real problem here, is not whether you are reasonable here, but why he won't stop when you have asked him repeatedly not to.