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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop fil from feeding dd off his fork.

273 replies

Setpeace · 10/07/2018 13:00

A few years ago I sat in horror when fil fed dd who had just recovered from nasty cold, off his fork when he had just been ill with an unexplained virus.
I didn't say anything thinking it's a one-off. The next time I saw him do it I asked dh to say something.
He said not to do it, the dc get illness etc.
Fil went and did it again at bbq at our house and I didn't know what to do.
Dh again mentioned after please don't do it.
They were out with dd and she said grandpa shared his ice cream with her.

I'm actually, ironically unlike pils quite relaxed about general about cleaning, weight are shoes on house, I don't keep dc pristine, I understand it's absolutely neccsary to be exposed to lots of germs etc but this makes me feel sick.

It's not only his seeming lack of care, it's the idea that he is somehow germ free and doesn't listen to us.
Yes they have massive form for lots of things like this but I'm not sure what the next move is, if he does it when we next see them.
I'd like to stand up and say ' fil are you you OK? You have been repeadlty asked not to share forks saliva with the dc and yet you carry on doing it?' then leave.
I could try and take dd back but she is very strong willed and it could end in an argument with dd...a tussle.. Dd come here.. NO etc

Its infuriating and I have had to listen to 14 of crap about dirt, shoes off, germs.... Etc.. They are extreme with it.

OP posts:
LightTripper · 10/07/2018 13:49

Personally I find it really yuk and wouldn't like to watch, but if my DD and PIL were happy with it I would let it go. Probably would ask them to stop if they were ill: I know kids get an infinite number of colds anyway, but the chance of just stopping one or even delaying it a bit might mean a good night's sleep versus no sleep!

In the end though, if you want him not to you can ask him again - it's your call. But if it feels very natural to him it's probably hard for him to remember (especially if he did it with his kids, any other grandkids, etc.) so I suspect he's not doing it to be unkind, just not thinking.

mozzybites · 10/07/2018 13:50

If you are unlucky your DC will grow up to be like mine, food stealing vultures, no plate, fork or spoon is safe if it has food on it they fancy! I'm off to explain the terrible risks they are exposing themselves to.

Scootingthebreeze · 10/07/2018 13:51

For dental hygiene it is strongly advised against to share forks, bottles, etc. Babies are born with no harmful bacteria until it is introduced by sharing utensils, kissing, or even blowing their food to cool it down.

If someone has cavity causing bacteria in their mouth then this would spread the bacteria to the baby's mouth. This in itself is a concern but some children have very weak enamel so cavity causing bacteria is a big cause for concern.

I imagine the grandad would ignore any facts about this but no YANBU

Weepatchesoflove · 10/07/2018 13:52

When I was wee I used to share my ice creams with our dogs, my mum would go mental though

TheMonkeyMummy · 10/07/2018 13:54

I don't see an issue with it.

matchingpjs · 10/07/2018 13:57

I am far from being anal about house work, animals on furniture, shoes off in house etc. However when it comes to sharing food or drink directly with another person it makes me want to heave, I don't think I've shared a bottle of water with another human in my life! I have even known people share a toothbrush boak

Mumminmum · 10/07/2018 13:59

YANBU to the sharing fork thing. That is nasty.

YABU to wearing your shoes inside the house. You might not be licking the carpet, but your child is playing on it, toys are on it and your child may lick the toys. Other people are walking on the carpet with socks. Socks they are also wearing when walking into the bathroom and the bedrooms and maybe even into bed if it is cold.

TeddyIsaHe · 10/07/2018 14:01

Scooting any sources for that?

DieAntword · 10/07/2018 14:02

@matchingpjs My husband thought it was funny I got all freaked out about our toothbrushes touching in the toothbrush holder. He said we've shared enough bodily fluids it really can't make things worse.

TBH though I find toothbrushes disgusting. Save the planet and all that but in my ideal world we'd buy single use disposable toothbrushes and chuck em after every brush.

Candlerow2018 · 10/07/2018 14:04

I find your reaction really sad and think it's so disappointing that anyone would feel like this.

Unless he is currently ill, your fil's germs present no greater risk to your DD than any other germs she might come into contact with. A reasonable amount of exposure to a variety of germs including those found in the mouth is what builds strong immunity for her future! How incredibly sad that the act of a grandpa sharing an ice-cream with his granddaughter would ever been seen as a disgusting thing to do. You also aren't coming off well with the "why couldn't he buy her her own?". In my experience it's entirely normal for children with smaller tummies to share something with an adult. There's no hidden agenda behind it, fil isn't being stingy, or trying to overstep the boundaries, he's doing something that in his eyes is so natural that he probably can't comprehend that anyone would mind it. And neither can I.

What a sad, sad state of affairs when we live in a world where it's considered "gross" that family members might occasionally share food yet the plethora of potentially far more harmful germs your child comes into contact with each day and the fact that your DD will one day have a partner who she very willing swaps bodily fluids with is apparently not an issue.

Unless someone is currently known to be ill, there is not reason to be so precious. You say he had a virus a while before, but it's very clear from your post that virus or not you would feel the same about them sharing.

And to the poster who compared sharing an ice-cream with a child to not wearing a seatbelt Hmm seriously?

Shumpalumpa · 10/07/2018 14:07

But I think shoes off in their house is unnecessary I'm not going to bend down and lick their carpet... I'm not going to get germs neither are they but if I feed fil my fork he might..

Shoes in the house in rank. God knows how much faeces you step on everyday and now it's on your carpets/floors. Gross.

LaurieMarlow · 10/07/2018 14:07

How incredibly sad that the act of a grandpa sharing an ice-cream with his granddaughter would ever been seen as a disgusting thing to do

Totally agree with this.

Slimtimeagain · 10/07/2018 14:08

Stop being so precious! My dad always used to like he ice cream on my cone because I couldn't eat it fast enough so it would start to melt! And I would 100% have no problem with him doing it with my children either.

Zaphodsotherhead · 10/07/2018 14:09

I'd wait until your DD has a D&V bug, then let your FIL share a fork with her. He's likely to get far iller than she is and it might put him off!

I have very fond memories of DD1 having a cat steal a chicken nugget off her plate and her pursuing said cat around the house, cornering it under the table, retaking the chicken nugget and eating it in front of the cat with great relish.

A mucky bunch of buggers, my kids (same DD used to kiss her bantams) but my God, they are a healthy bunch of adults!

Slimtimeagain · 10/07/2018 14:10

I often wonder how people coped back in the day. Would you moan about this in real life? Would people just tell you what you want to hear? I swear sharing food or an ice cream was a right of passage growing up. I guarantee in childcare/ school there will be a lot more sharing of food. You won't be able to control that!

LaurieMarlow · 10/07/2018 14:11

i have even known people share a toothbrush boak

I have shared a toothbrush with dh when away and one of us has forgotten. Given the bodily fluids we share on a regular basis, this hardly feels like a big deal.

Iamtryingtobenicehere · 10/07/2018 14:12

I think you’re going to have to be brutal here. He is obviously ignoring your polite requests.

If you see him feed your dd, snatch her up in your arms, look him Square in the eye and say very firmly “we have asked you not to share your germs with her, if you want to find yourself excluded from your granddaughters life entirely, then carry on. There will be no more warning about this disgusting habit”. Then leave

If he doesn’t understand that , he needs a retirement home.

Iamtryingtobenicehere · 10/07/2018 14:14

To all the posters saying “All 17 of my siblings and I lived in a hole and shared the same twig to wipe our arses and clean our teeth and we’ve survived “ that’s not the point. The op has asked her fil not too. He needs to respect her wishes.

Slimtimeagain · 10/07/2018 14:14

iamtrying how mean!

Original poster
Setpeace · 10/07/2018 14:15

The first time I saw him do it, he had blood tests, urine tests, lost loads of weight.

Perhaps feeling better but still looking ghastly, fed my dd who was also recovering from a nasty cold from his fork.

This shows me he can't regulate when it may or may not be appropriate to do it.

I see it as very much a territorial thing much like post about granny kissing baby with lip stick.
Some really interesting replies!

We have asked him to not to-do it and he keeps doing it. They do others things that ignore us but this one could maker dc ill.

OP posts:
SharronNeedles · 10/07/2018 14:16

Imtryingtobenicehere waaaayyyyyy OTT response. Go NC with a loving Grandparent who shared an ice cream and few forkfulls? Bonkers.

Feb2018mumma · 10/07/2018 14:16

Day after my FIL recovered from a coldsore he kissed my son on the lips as it was over... My husband told him to! Said now cold sore is gone you can kiss him on the lips?!?! I don't get it! Why is grandparents needsmore important than a child's health?

Blackdogsrock · 10/07/2018 14:16

For gods sake get a grip on a scale of 1 - 10 in importance this wouldn’t get to minus figures

Original poster
Setpeace · 10/07/2018 14:17

I don't think shoes on in the house is a big deal.

Mil would absolutely nor fil tolerate me walking into thiers home with shoes. But we have to put up with this.

OP posts:
SharronNeedles · 10/07/2018 14:17

Is he allowed to blow on her food to cool it down?