Why do people assume everyone has child care?!

[InTheLightOfTheMoon]

I have an appointment to meet my sons new teacher tomorrow as he starts reception in september. However I have just noticed that the letter states parents only! (My mistake for not noticing it the first time) This means I am unable to attend as I have no child care. Why do they assume everyone has child care? Aibu to be annoyed?

OP - I honestly think you are sticking your head in the sand and have a raft of excuses as to why you are a victim.

I really cannot believe that there are 60 pupils and not one has had a party. If your children arent being invited to anything I think you need to take a long hard look at yourself and what has happened. Do your children have any special friends that they talk about? First step would be to invite them around for tea? Could you do that?

DS occasionally mentions that someone is having a party and then it turns out he isn't going. But generally I know at least half the class have parties, but many have very small ones and/or aren't that friendly with DS. We've only really found out that there was one he wasn't going to because there was a clash and another parent asked which we'd chosen but we were only invited to one.

Invitations at EYFS/KS1 go in book bags and straight home. They don't wave them around really.

Cant afford parties unfortunately. I just asked my son (if there has been any class parties) and he has no idea what im going on about!

If your children arent being invited to anything I think you need to take a long hard look at yourself and what has happened.

It is entirely possible that the OP's children are extremely shy like her and feel unable to talk to other children. But the teachers should be dealing with that.
It's also possible that the other children at school are very cliquey/there's some mild or even not mild bullying. But again the teachers should be dealing with that.

It could be nothing to do with the OP's attitude to friendships, though of course it could - if your DCs see nobody coming to your house that is your friend, they may feel they couldn't have a friend over. If you've said "it's hard to make friends" they may feel it's not something you approve of.

ok im going to stop posting now. i need to take a long hard look at myself why my children have not been invited to any parties? WOW nice! ive never been nasty to anyone at the school or had any issues at all! I cant be the only parent who the other parents dont know as im sure other parents work so dont do the school runs. but yeh thanks for the comments.

Honestly OP - another reason not to do something positive! Why don't you invite just one boy back. Beans on toast etc?

Cant afford parties unfortunately.
Home made cake, pass the parcel with sweets, and mad running around to music for 4 or 5 friends is not exactly pricey.

I just asked my son (if there has been any class parties) and he has no idea what im going on about!
Like I said, children don't wave the invitations about. The teachers usually give them out subtly.

IT IS WORRYING that your child has been in school for 3 years and has never been invited to a party or round to play.

Can you understand that, for the sake of your DCs, and ask the teachers about it? Ask who they play with. Send a note in to the teacher to ask the child round to play. Or to go to the park at the weekend.

Why don't you invite just one boy back. Beans on toast etc?
Exactly. Or if you have anxiety about people coming to your house, take them to the park and give them ice pops.

When DS was in y2 he was invited to a birthday party for a classmate. There was only the 2 of them. They played in the garden for a bit, then they built towers with bricks and knocked them down. Then they had fish fingers, chips and beans for tea, with coke to mark the fact it was a birthday, followed by cake.

That's not hard to organise and it doesn't cost much. And of course if everyone at your DC's school has similarly small parties they aren't going to be invited to many, but not being invited to any ... is really odd.

Sadly I really think the OP isn't listening to any of this.

Its nothing to do with her and she has now gone. I suspect I have come across as harsh but honestly its the children I feel sorry for. If a child has never had a play date or been invited to a party then I am sorry but surely alarm bells should be ringing.

And when a potential solution i.e a play date, run around in the park or beans on toast is scoffed at then I suspect she will always be blaming others for what happens to her in life.

From reception to year 2 they were a gazzilion parties and numerous play dates. It's the busiest time for them as they tend to narrow down friendship groups in juniors.

I don't imagine for one moment there have been no parties, parents use them as a means to make new friends or at least know people enough for play dates etc.

Box - I know yet the OP chooses not to believe it. We had a parent at the junior school who kept herself to herself. She picked up sometimes head down, no eye contact etc. My son though got on well with her son so I invited him back for tea one afternoon. He was a lovely chap, rather shy and clearly unused to going to other boys homes.

He came around a few times over the years but it got quite tiring as the mother made no effort to be friendly. Maybe it was a cultural difference. My son never got an invite back but that wasn't my biggest issue. It was the fact that the mother just couldn't see how much damage she was doing to her son. When he goes to university (to be a doctor she told me) he will really struggle with little in the way of social skills.

How do you know they were bored?! - because the parents and grandparents told me so. I doubt they would come over only as a favour to us.

So you actually got to know people pretty slowly. That wouldn't be much help if your child had just started reception as in OP's case.

with two older children in the same school

OP I'm not trying to suggest it's your fault. It sounds like an odd school. Even if your child isn't being invited it's really weird not to have even heard of a classmates party.

In my day birthday parties at this age were just a handful of friends, a homemade sponge, nibbles and some plastic tat so not expensive. I don't know if something more expensive is required these days.

Katharina didn't have a great situation to deal with. She didn't know anyone and she didn't speak the language. Yet, she found a solution of sorts and it went from there. I agree that there is something very strange about a parent claiming there have been no parties and play dates for the last 3 years for her own children.

If sensible suggestions are made she sticks her head in the sand and flounces off. Some people just don't see what others see. They are never wrong, its everyone else and when situations aren't great its someone else's fault.

When you have children you do need to crack on and ensure that you do your very best you can even if sometimes what you need to do makes you somewhat uncomfortable and she cannot be that shy if she managed to have children in the first place. When you only have yourself to discuss something with and no one to give you some ideas it is very easy to believe this situation is nothing to do with you and its everyone else who needs to change

Parties are still the same! Some sandwiches, crisps and most important party bags full of tat (Poundland is great for these!).

Of course you can have a full blow out. One of my boy's Russian friends who were in property hired a couple of boxes at the Royal Albert Hall and took them into Mayfair for dinner - I was on pick up duty and didn't actually meet the parents but the boys had a ball.

'It's not that shocking to not have childcare'

The thread has moved on a bit since the childcare for a meeting op and I think the reason this thread is still going is because it is indeed shocking/unusual to never speak to another adult or your children to ever go on a play date/to a party.

I took the opportunity today as a result of this thread to observe on the school run.

First I bumped in to a neighbour, we exchanged pleasantries, as I would with any of my neighbours. I know them all from street parties, or bumping in to them. I could and would ask of them to look after my dc in an emergency.

I got to school five mins before Bell. Groups of parents/cms/grandparents are standing about chatting and laughing. We've stood next to each other every day, for years in the end, and haven't just been standing in silence.

The children spill out, all chatting and laughing. Dd2 begged for a play date with her best friend. I said fine, off she went.

Another parent phoned me and said she was running ten mins late, could I collect her dc. No problem. She called the school to ok it.

I stayed in the playground with dd1 and other parents dd for about twenty mins, there were about 50 kids running around and 30 parents standing still chatting.

Dd1 has an invite in her bag to a party.

For me, that is normal. Not standing next to the same people day after day, year after year in silence, whilst dcs come out and all walk off with their respective parent. Mind, I haven't visited every school in the country. Dare I say it, I hope most are like mine.

arethereany - here's my day: all rushing out door at 8am. Say hello to neighbours if any around. Lived here 4 years & there's no socialising amongst us all beyond a quick hello. Everyone works, we hardly know them.

Drop kids at breakfast club. Will smile & say hello to anyone else dropping off. In a rush for work so no time for hanging around.

Work.

Pick up 6pm. Pickup at after school club. Again will exchange pleasantries with other parents briefly, but we're all keen to get home & pick up at different times, so might only see a particular parent once or twice a month.

So you can see that it's difficult to find a random person to lumber your child with when it suits you.

But I have made a friendship group through FB parents page, class nights out (if DP around to look after DC). It has been a concerted effort & has taken years.

On a slight side-note, can we not understand that in today's society, loneliness can be a huge issue?

We frequently live away from our families, work long hours, sometimes have DC with ASN or partners who have fucked off.

Perhaps people in that situation (like OP) are struggling? Lost confidence? Maybe have depression? Or are just quietly desperate?

A little kindness would go a long way.

@MoreProsecco
Believe it or not, I am trying to help.
My take on the ops responses is that she's trying to hide behind 'it's normal to not have play dates' etc as a way of avoiding having play dates etc. As the initial contact would be extremely difficult for her.
However, I believe that the op would ultimately be happier if she gritted her teeth and went for it.
So, my bullish approach to get to this end goal is to tell her my version of normal.

My take on the OP's responses is that she maybe has depression (negative responses) & is struggling.

You have to be in the right frame of mind to take advice on board & build up your confidence.

Unfortunately AIBU isn't the best place to ask advice if you are feeling fragile.

because the parents and grandparents told me so. I doubt they would come over only as a favour to us.

I'm not saying that they did a favour to you. Just that you didn't necessarily do them a favour. Maybe those individual children were bored at grandparents but that doesn't mean that all children are. Generally, if you invite children for a playdate their parents will reciprocate anyway so they certainly won't owe you a favour.

@MoreProsecco
Fair enough.
Hopefully with the very varied response styles, op can ignore the ones that don't help, and listen to the ones which do help.

@KatharinaRosalie

if you also never go to school events and sports days, take half a day off occassionally. Go pick your DC up, introduce yourself to the parents whose kids your DC have mentioned. Or send a note, ask to have their kid over during holidays/weekends for a playdate, invite the kids to a party and ask the parents to stay. I bet you have a job where you can never take a single hour off, right?

My work is reasonably flexible, but I use most of my holiday in the school holidays. I do drop off and pick up DS once a week, but most of the mums are chatting in groups about holidays or some latest gossip, we don't go on holidays, I don't have any gossip and have no idea who they're talking about, so I smile and say hello and it goes nowhere. I don't know which child belongs to which parent.

We've not done any parties yet as DS didn't want them. He's also been against having a friend over. I think that might be changing so we'll see how it goes. I think until recently he's mainly wanted time with me and DH.

When do I chat to my neighbour? After 5.30 or weekends? Yes, I'm sure none of the neighbours are ever around at those times.

There's a six foot something fence between us and them, their fence so they clearly don't want to chat when out in the garden. I see them in the local shop maybe once a month and say hello. I don't feel I know them well enough to knock on their door for a chat! They don't even do Christmas cards. Our old neighbors before we moved I used to see all the time and would stop and chat with them - still wouldn't have wanted them babysitting mind. Would chat with people five or six doors up as well. Completely different areas, people are chatty up in the S.Wales valleys, want to know your business, not so much here.

It's a huge leap from someone who I exchange pleasantries with now and then and someone I would trust my kids with. Modern life sadly is quite impersonal for many.

most of the mums are chatting in groups about holidays or some latest gossip

Sorry I was a bin snarky - I am naturally a shy person and I know it's not easy to approach people. And as I said, most mums in my school are all childhood friends and of course have plenty to say to each other. But it's possible. A simple trick - most people love to talk about themselves, so if you simply ask about their holiday and their opinion about some celebrity, they will happily talk to you and won't even care if you know anything about the topic or not. Listen actively and they'll think you're the most interesting person around.
Hopefully your DS will make some friends at school that he wants to ask over for a playdate. That's certainly the easiest way to meet the parents.