Page 8 | Why do people assume everyone has child care?!

InTheLightOfTheMoon · 2018-07-08T19:56:20+00:00

I have an appointment to meet my sons new teacher tomorrow as he starts reception in september. However I have just noticed that the letter states parents only! (My mistake for not noticing it the first time) This means I am unable to attend as I have no child care. Why do they assume everyone has child care? Aibu to be annoyed?

SnuggyBuggy · 10/07/2018 14:55

The other side is that if you are a SAHP would you really want people seeking you out and befriending you purely because they have eyed you up as free childcare.

RedSkyLastNight · 10/07/2018 14:57

I don't think I said SAHPs were the norm (they certainly aren't round here either). But there are plenty of families where both parents do not work standard 9-5 type days. Possibly it's a an area thing but round here I reckon there's as few as those as there are SAHPs.

sunglasses123 · 10/07/2018 15:18

I agree, although I did ask the occasional favour and vice versa with working parents. Ultimately you need to have lots of different options and also do your own favours to others and they will do the same for you. Of course you will have some CF but its really quite rare unless you keep offering to do things with nothing in return.

Why do their seem to be NO kids parties over the last 2 years? That would be my biggest concern.

G5000 · 10/07/2018 15:23

If there are no SAHPs then the parents must have childcare. Of course don't be a CF and steal the nanny, but maybe someone's childcare provider (whether nanny, au pair, teenage neighbour or grandma), would be willing to also help out, either for a fee or as exchange? Of course, this would mean you need to get to know some people, which seems to be too much of an effort.

Dungeondragon15 · 10/07/2018 15:32

Of course don't be a CF and steal the nanny, but maybe someone's childcare provider (whether nanny, au pair, teenage neighbour or grandma), would be willing to also help out, either for a fee or as exchange?

I don't know anyone who has a nanny or au pair but no childminders in my area would look after a child as a one off!!

SnuggyBuggy · 10/07/2018 15:36

Getting to know people takes a lot of time, the average working mother probably doesn't have a lot of time to get to know a school acquaintances' babysitter. It's hard enough to find enough time for your real friends.

KatharinaRosalie · 10/07/2018 15:39

This thread is a perfect example that if you really want to do something you'll find a way. If you don't, you'll find excuses.

LimboLuna · 10/07/2018 15:46

inthelight I'm in a similar situation but not a lone parent, we have no one and i mean no one. It is shit and hard so you have my empathy and I'm aware its 100 x worse for you as at least DH works a lot and can't be called away, but at a lot of notice he can take time off.
ring the school, explain and wait for them to suggest what they want you to do. I remember my eldest school meeting, the kids went into their new class room whilst the parents were in the meeting. So i think the school are being unreasonable in this, as you say, not everyone has childcare.

Dungeondragon15 · 10/07/2018 15:46

This thread is a perfect example that if you really want to do something you'll find a way. If you don't, you'll find excuses.

Alternatively, it's an example of the fact that some people are pretty clueless and don't get that because something is possible for them it doesn't mean that it is for others. Circumstances are different for different people.

KatharinaRosalie · 10/07/2018 15:51

So people don't want to talk to other parents, because they once said hi to someone and that person didn't reply. They don't want to talk to neighbours. They don't want to ask any classmates over. They don't want their children to go visit classmates they don't know, because they can't be bothered to get to know anybody. They don't think babysitters are important enough to talk to.

And then they complain that it's simpy impossible to find anybody to babysit for half an hour..

Dungeondragon15 · 10/07/2018 16:06

So people don't want to talk to other parents, because they once said hi to someone and that person didn't reply. They don't want to talk to neighbours. They don't want to ask any classmates over. They don't want their children to go visit classmates they don't know, because they can't be bothered to get to know anybody. They don't think babysitters are important enough to talk to.

When exactly do you think they get the chance to chat to other parents or babysitters? People who work full time don't tend to see other parents much so difficult to really get to know other parents. Even if they are dropping them off at school in the morning they won't be able to hang around and much of the time childminders would do this. If they do get to know them that would be over a relatively long period of time so not much use in OP's scenario.

sunglasses123 · 10/07/2018 16:08

Sorry but I am a working mother and know the issues. If you want to make your life easier and help your children to make friends you will have to make time.

Original poster

InTheLightOfTheMoon · 10/07/2018 16:18

Surprised this is still going! Its really not that shocking that a lone parent doesnt have any child care!

OP posts:

KatharinaRosalie · 10/07/2018 16:24

I moved abroad, to a small village, where everybody knows everybody, so they do not need to make new friends. Where most people have grandparents and other relatives around, so they don't need childcare swaps. Where I don't even speak the language, and most people don't speak English. Where I work full time and rarely ever get to pick DS up from school. Yes, clearly I have no clue that getting to know people might be challenging.

As said, if you want, you will find a way. But I'm sure you can also find plenty of excuses why you can't.

Dungeondragon15 · 10/07/2018 16:30

I moved abroad, to a small village, where everybody knows everybody, so they do not need to make new friends. Where most people have grandparents and other relatives around, so they don't need childcare swaps. Where I don't even speak the language, and most people don't speak English. Where I work full time and rarely ever get to pick DS up from school. Yes, clearly I have no clue that getting to know people might be challenging.

So how did you make friends with other parents that you could use for childcare even though you did not speak their language? Did you not feel like a CF asking for favours considering they didn't need to ask you for one in return?

mirime · 10/07/2018 16:30

@KatharinaRosalie I work. I leave for work at 8.30 or earlier, I get home 5.30 at the earliest, sometimes not until 7. When do I chat to the other parents? - I recognise a few enough to say hello to but that's it. When do I chat to my neighbour? - I see him occasionally and say hello, but again I really don't know him well enough to ask him to babysit.

hendricksy · 10/07/2018 16:33

I've just been to my son's new school and the letter said strictly no children . Loads of people brought their children and including hear the important info about my son so please get childcare .. if you don't have Family then pay for it .

sunglasses123 · 10/07/2018 16:34

I think some people just cannot be bothered. Its easier to say they literally have no one and don't think of ways to change that.

I cannot believe there have been no birthday parties and play dates unless the OP's children aren't being invited which is far more worrying. There are people who always want to blame others for the situations they find themselves in. Sadly I think this is one of those...

sunglasses123 · 10/07/2018 16:39

No one works 7 days a week 24 hours a day! Invite a couple of the children around for a play date on your day off. Most people work now. Of course you could alternatively come up with lots of excuses as to why you cannot be bothered. That is much easier.

KatharinaRosalie · 10/07/2018 16:43

When do I chat to the other parents? - if you also never go to school events and sports days, take half a day off occassionally. Go pick your DC up, introduce yourself to the parents whose kids your DC have mentioned. Or send a note, ask to have their kid over during holidays/weekends for a playdate, invite the kids to a party and ask the parents to stay. I bet you have a job where you can never take a single hour off, right?
When do I chat to my neighbour? After 5.30 or weekends? Yes, I'm sure none of the neighbours are ever around at those times.
So how did you make friends with other parents that you could use for childcare even though you did not speak their language? Started by learning a few sentences. My language is still very basic, but enough to organise a playdate. I don't call the other parents my friends, but if kids are friends then it's enough.
Did you not feel like a CF asking for favours considering they didn't need to ask you for one in return? No, kids get bored spending time with grandparents over weekends or entire summer, we still have the classmates over to play, or offer lifts to activities over the weekend. I believe we've been quite fair.

Original poster

InTheLightOfTheMoon · 10/07/2018 16:49

So not one of my children but BOTH are being excluded from school parties of 60 children? yeh thats far more likely than there not being any especially since both dc have never mentioned any parties and ive never seen anyone handing out invitiations.

OP posts:

SnuggyBuggy · 10/07/2018 16:58

I'd be debating finding another school if playdates and parties are that rare, although I think you said you are in London so that might not be an option.

Dungeondragon15 · 10/07/2018 17:00

Started by learning a few sentences. My language is still very basic, but enough to organise a playdate. I don't call the other parents my friends, but if kids are friends then it's enough.

So you actually got to know people pretty slowly. That wouldn't be much help if your child had just started reception as in OP's case.

No, kids get bored spending time with grandparents over weekends or entire summer, we still have the classmates over to play, or offer lifts to activities over the weekend. I believe we've been quite fair.

How do you know they were bored?! I used to invite children over for play dates but my children were invited back in return. I didn't consider it a favour that meant I could ask for help with childcare. I would have felt like a CF asking for help considering they would never have asked in return.

Original poster

InTheLightOfTheMoon · 10/07/2018 17:02

No not a choice. I got 5th place of school and that was on appeal! I just doubt 60 parents are all having parties yet only excluding my children when im sure there are other parents they dont chat to aswell. Like I said my son would be the first to mention to me if their was a party he wasnt invited to.

OP posts:

drspouse · 10/07/2018 17:09

ive never seen anyone handing out invitiations
At my DS school you give the invitations to the teacher and the teacher hands them out. Nobody would hand them out because a) like you, they don't know every single parent and b) it would be very divisive as not everyone can have a whole class party.

Dungeon the OP has children in Y1 and Y2. So one of her children has gone through 3 full years of school without ever asking to have a playdate, without ever being invited for one and without ever being invited to a single party.

That is NOT typical and says to me either the child needs a bit of help with friendships or the teachers are falling down on the job of making sure all children are included.

Incidentally we've only had 1 or 2 all-class parties in DS year (he's in Y1 - one mad mum invited both classes but the others were just 30).

There are a few new-to-the-UK or nervous-about-Halal-food parents who tend to say no to most invitations (one of the other mums and I have been working withe mum of a lovely little boy in one of those categories to persuade her it's OK to send her DS to parties), nobody expects those parents to reciprocate.

The majority have smaller parties so e.g. DS asked about 15 at his party and has been invited back to about 5 (one just has a foul parent who didn't invite DS despite the two boys being best pals, several will have had very small parties, a few just weren't that friendly after all).

Did you ask your DCs if they wanted parties? I know not everyone has the wherewithall to do them but maybe once every couple of years e.g. taking it in turns so one gets one each year and the others have a tea at home with just family?