Why do people assume everyone has child care?!

[InTheLightOfTheMoon]

I have an appointment to meet my sons new teacher tomorrow as he starts reception in september. However I have just noticed that the letter states parents only! (My mistake for not noticing it the first time) This means I am unable to attend as I have no child care. Why do they assume everyone has child care? Aibu to be annoyed?

KatharinaRosalie your posts don't suggest you are shy at all. You have to be quite self-confident to think that people think you are interesting just because you have asked them about their holiday or opinion on a celebrity. The same goes for thinking that it is not quite cheeky to ask for help with childcare just because their child had been at playdate at your house. If people do chat back to you it suggests parents at your DC school are quite friendly and approachable which isn't always the case.

If people are standing in groups you can’t just rock up to their conversation.
I tried to offer help to a group of mums where one had a problem I could help with, they turned their back on me.

Your not going to try again after that are you?

Limbo I'm sure there are some rude people around, but is every single mother in the school refusing to talk to you? If there's a mean girl gang, there must be also other outsiders. If they're all horrible, I would try to change schools as the kids are probably not much better.

Dungeon really, it's so cheeky to ask if my son could come over so I could go to an appointment with a teacher for half an hour?

really, it's so cheeky to ask if my son could come over so I could go to an appointment with a teacher for half an hour?

Yes, I would feel quite cheeky asking that of an acquaintance who I had only chatted to briefly about holidays etc, especially if I knew they were never going to need to me to look after their children in return.

People always tell you to approach groups of people and start talking but almost no one actually seems to want strangers coming over and doing that. Also let's be honest some people are very smooth and charming and pull it off well, others really aren't.

The best chance the op will have is when her little one first starts school and all the parents are strangers to each other.

The best chance the op will have is when her little one first starts school and all the parents are strangers to each other.

They aren't always strangers to each other though in some areas. Their children may have been to the same preschools or nurseries and even if they haven't if you live in a small area where noone ever moves away they tend to know each other other. Almost all the parents at DDs primary school went to the same secondary school when they were children. Obviously not all the same year but they still mostly knew each other.

The kids are always asking if they can come over or if my son can go over to play. Not that difficult to organise so that one of those play dates occastionally also coincides with something you need to do.

Of course it's not easy to meet new people. I read some basic books about how to make friends, plenty of little tricks there that make approaching people and making small talk easier. Then it's just the matter of getting over your issues and helping your kids not to be the only one never invited anywhere. But of course it's easier to say that oh, I tried to talk to one woman once, didn't work, therefore it's impossible.

I remember when I was on mat leave & a there was a classmate in my little boy's school nursery, whose mum was very clearly cultivating a circle to facilitate her childcare needs.

This woman had both sets of parents doing 4 days a week childcare for her 3 DC. Her husband had flexible working. Both were highly-paid (him an ex-footballer & IFA, her an accountancy).

Yet she was always asking "favours" of people if the grandparents were ill, on holiday etc.

I had NO-ONE. DP working away, no parents nearby & just moved to area with 1 child. And whilst she would occasionally offer, I did not appreciate being "cultivated" for someone else's childcare.

So quite frankly, she could fuck off & stop using people for unpaid childcare. She was a cheeky fucker.

OTOH, I would help out with those who had no-one (as did I). Where things were friendship- based & our DC get on.

The kids are always asking if they can come over or if my son can go over to play. Not that difficult to organise so that one of those play dates occastionally also coincides with something you need to do.

It may not be difficult for you to organise so that it coincides with something you might want to do but don't you get the fact that it may not be the same for everyone? For example, if I had to go to the school for something, the chances were that my children's parents had to go to the same event so that wouldn't be suitable time for "playdates" and I would feel like a CF for asking.

Of course it's not easy to meet new people. I read some basic books about how to make friends, plenty of little tricks there that make approaching people and making small talk easier. Then it's just the matter of getting over your issues and helping your kids not to be the only one never invited anywhere. But of course it's easier to say that oh, I tried to talk to one woman once, didn't work, therefore it's impossible

Hmm.. I'm not sure how good your small talk is if you can barely speak a common language but anyway, again, just because parents were clearly quite approachable at your children's school, it doesn't mean that they are same in other places!

I don't think that it's down to assumptions about childcare. I suspect that doesn't come into it. It probably works better if there are no younger children there and the childcare is seen as up to the parents to arrange. I know how hard it is - I used to get equally irritated about the 'assumption' that all children had a parent at home all the time when I constantly had to miss plays or open days when mine were tiny,

I would take them with you this time - they aren't going to refuse you entry.

I do sort of think that by the time your child is school age almost everyone will at some point have used a childminder / nursery / swap with another parent / the crèche at their leisure centre / a babysitter / a local teenager. I also think (as a person with no family backup) that it’s pretty sensible to put one of these options in place for the inevitable occasion that you will need childcare. Have you never had time away from your child in 4 years?

katharina No I’m sure they aren’t all mean. But I’m hardly likely to keep trying when your met with literal backs are you.
I’d picked some who looked nice, I could also help them with their problem.

haint I’m 10 years in and haven’t had time away from mine, funerals, weddings, even court. They come or I don’t go. It is easier with school now but if there’s a chance it will mean I’m not back for pick up, I can’t go.

Haven't read the full thread. Can you ask for an appointment time while your child is at nursery?

just because parents were clearly quite approachable

No I dont live in some magical Polyanna land of extraordinarly friendly people who will come and befriend you while you stand sulking in the corner. OP said herself she has never, in all the years her older children have been in school, approached anybody. I'm pretty sure the end result would be the same in my DS's school. You have to put at least some effort in before you can declare something impossible, no?

No I dont live in some magical Polyanna land of extraordinarly friendly people who will come and befriend you while you stand sulking in the corner.

I'm not saying that you live in a "magical Polyanna land". My point is that not everywhere is exactly the same. I have more than one child and been a parent at more than one school and can big differences not just from one area to another but also in some school years. The parents of my younger DDs class were much friendlier than the ones in the older class for example. Also whereas you seem to have no problem asking acquaintances to look after your children, I would feel like a CF, I'm afraid. That is something I would only ask of a friend or relative. Obviously if I had done them a favour, it would be different but inviting their children over for a playdate does not come into that category especially if it was reciprocated. Even if I did feel like being a CF, it wouldn't be much good as generally, if I needed to go to a school event so did my children's friends parents.

I agree, schools and areas vary enormously on friendliness levels. We moved when dd1 was in Y3, up till then we'd had lots of play dates and parties, and I was friends with lots of Mums. We moved area and school, parents and children noticeably less friendly with far fewer social interactions. If we had been there from the start, it might have been better, but it was still quite isolating.