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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why do people assume everyone has child care?!

243 replies

InTheLightOfTheMoon · 08/07/2018 20:56

I have an appointment to meet my sons new teacher tomorrow as he starts reception in september. However I have just noticed that the letter states parents only! (My mistake for not noticing it the first time) This means I am unable to attend as I have no child care. Why do they assume everyone has child care? Aibu to be annoyed?

OP posts:
showerflower · 09/07/2018 13:33

I don't have anyone who can help out either.

  1. The other parent - my husband works away during the week
  2. Any relative - we have none within a couple of hundred miles.
  3. A neighbour - we don't know our neighbours other than to say hello to (one is a lone man who doesn't talk, the others look like they have their hands full). We're unlikely to get to know them after already being here for over 10 years.
  4. A friend - I have no friends who could help as they either work long hours or have a number of young children to look after themselves (and I have two young children).
  5. A babysitter - I've looked at the sitter sites and on the ones I looked at you have to pay regular fees for being a member on top of the payment for each time you need a babysitter. I'm a SAHM partly because we can't afford to cover childcare costs!

It's really not always that easy.

Fluffyrainbows · 09/07/2018 13:59

You are not being unreasonable. Thankfully no schools my children have started at have done this as it is very unreasonable. Lots of people don't have childcare and also have younger children so this does seem quite out of the ordinary. I don't think you deserve harsh comments for not realising because I would just assume my child was included.

Fluffyrainbows · 09/07/2018 14:01

Like above, I have no family within an hour, I have no local friends who could provide childcare, I can't use regular babysitters (disability within family adds complexity) and there is literally no one except my OH who would have to not work.

wandaandthealien · 09/07/2018 14:44

Also dont speak to any of my childrens friends parents.

Maybe you should make an extra effort to start? I don't believe that at every school pick up everyone stands in silence whilst waiting for the DC, as a lone parent having a couple of school mums as alies will just make life so much easier.

A couple of the mums at our school do tend to isolate themselves by collecting late and grabbing their DC and leaving, most of the other parents are there 5 mins or so early and will chat. I wouldn't consider many "friends" but largely are polite and friendly and would pick up my DC in an unavoidable scenario.

Original poster
InTheLightOfTheMoon · 09/07/2018 17:30

I would love to start a convo but as i said i am painfully shy and tbh i dont actually know who they are! I did start chatting to a woman at the school when my baby was first born and i tried to make an effort to say hello to make friends but it felt very one sided so i stopped saying hello first and sure enough she never initiated it either.

OP posts:
Original poster
InTheLightOfTheMoon · 09/07/2018 17:32

This strikes me as a bigger issue. Send a note to school with your children addressed to Johnny’s parents and ask the teacher to give to Johnny. Include your contact info. I work full time but if my child regularly mentions a friend by name I try to connect like that.

I wouldnt do that sorry! Just because are children are friends doesnt mean we will be. Its very full on.

OP posts:
UneMoonit · 09/07/2018 17:36

YANBU. I would ignore the "parents only" bit and go home if they won't play.

I sometimes think a lot of teachers (who are otherwise fantastic) or at least senior staff live in a bit of a dream world about the realities of family life, just based on some of the ridiculous snap appointments, sudden expenses, short notice shopping lists etc. that schools spring on a massive number of parents without apparently anticipating any problems.

RedSkyLastNight · 09/07/2018 18:08

You don't have to be friends with your DC's friends' parents ... you just have to know them well enough that you can ask for the occasional favour. If they are in the same position as you, they'll probably be glad for the contact.

TheKitchenWitch · 09/07/2018 18:58

How have you managed with the other children never ever needing any childcare? That is nothing short is astonishing.
What is there was an emergency of some sort, even just getting caught in traffic or something like that? Who would pick up and look after the kids?

I’m most definitely not friends with most of my dc’s friends’ parents but I at least know them well enough that we would help each other out. Surely that’s completely normal?

The no play date thing is a bit odd tbh. Do your dc have any friends? have they never asked to have someone over? Never celebrated a birthday?

fruitpastille · 09/07/2018 20:02

Most teachers are in fact also parents so I would be surprised if they didn't know about the realities of family life!

Louiselouie0890 · 09/07/2018 21:51

I laughed when the midwives said oh your 2 year old won't stay sat- in a room full of sparkling goods while your strapped to a needle and monitor for an hour unable to move lol

Original poster
InTheLightOfTheMoon · 09/07/2018 23:24

No never had a play date or been invited to parties. They have friends but all seems to be kept in school, as never heard of any other children being invited to parties and them being excluded. so theyve never said "so and so had a party and i wasnt invited" also never seen invitiations handed out or anything like i said just not the norm round here.
also like i mentioned before no parents have ever spoken to me not even an hello. so it isnt like its just me if that makes sense?

I am recently NC with my mum so had child care up until about a year ago. Also broke up with my ex around the same time and he decided he wanted nothing to do with the kids anymore!

OP posts:
Original poster
InTheLightOfTheMoon · 09/07/2018 23:25

Forgot the other questions, no never asked to have anyone over, birthdays they normally get sweets which are given to the whole class and i did the same on theirs.

OP posts:
eeanne · 09/07/2018 23:59

I wouldnt do that sorry! Just because are children are friends doesnt mean we will be. Its very full on.

It’s not about being friends with them. It’s knowing who they are and how to contact them so your children can play together outside of school.

You and your children sound strangely isolated.

egginacup · 10/07/2018 00:15

I think the school’s BU. It’s reception! Of course lots of them are very likely to have toddler/baby siblings. I’ve always taken siblings to parents evenings etc as do most people. When both my DC started reception the teacher did a home visit to see them in their home environment, with siblings etc. Sounds very formal for reception.

Willow2017 · 10/07/2018 00:33

Just looked up sitters.co there are precisely 0 in my whole area. Really helpful. Oh and paying £4- £6 joining fee and £15 a month plus £8 an hour in 2017 would wipe out hours of my wages as some days i only had 1 minded kid so earning £3.50 an hour!

When my kids were small i had no-one i could ask to look after them if dp was not available for a parent meeting. Luckily our school didnt have rules about not taking kids. Appointments never ran over because the kids were able to behave for 10 minutes.

PurpleBoot · 10/07/2018 06:25

Sitters also ask for a minimum 4 hour booking, I think, so not helpful to cover a quick meeting.

hackmum · 10/07/2018 06:49

I am intrigued by Oblomov’s suggestion that the OP could conjure up a neighbour called Gemma or an Aunty Mabel who could babysit for her. Very remiss if the OP to have children without first conjuring up a set of relatives, neighbours and friends to bandit. What do you mean, OP, you don’t have an aunty Mabel? What sort of excuse is that?

hackmum · 10/07/2018 06:49

Babysit not bandit.

Oblomov18 · 10/07/2018 06:55

Hack mum, well, if you did actually read my posts properly, you would see that nowhere did I suggest you just conjure Aunty anything out of anywhere.

But with proper planning and forethought it is actually possible. Yes, really, truely. I have done it!

Yes. It's true. I have no family nearby, Dh's parents are passed away. And yet, with planning, that took a while and plenty of phone calls, I did actually get 2 people 'in mind' for when I did actually need a babysitter.

Imagine that? HmmShock

Calledyoulastnightfromglasgow · 10/07/2018 06:57

Schools are normally absolutely fine about bringing young children along to these things. I wouldn’t worry.

I don’t have childcare either.

NelleB · 10/07/2018 06:59

As a reception teacher, I encouraged my new children to attend. It’s just another opportunity to view and be in setting. I left colouring and toys out to preoccupy the children while parents listened. Every teacher is different...

Oblomov18 · 10/07/2018 07:02

Plus, I joined a Very casual 'babysitting circle' with 2 friends. Very occasionally one babysits for me. Then I babysit for her.

Yes. This also is indeed true. It is physically possible. Harder if you are all single mums, admittedly, but not impossible.

But as another poster said to OP, I'm sure you can find any reason to stop all this from happening, if you try hard enough.

You actually have to try all avenues, before you can claim it's not possible. Op hasn't tried any, by the looks of things. Or not wholeheartedly.

Oblomov18 · 10/07/2018 07:04

"This is impossible. I've tried everything".

Or rather:
"I don't actually want this, haven't been bothered to really try, but don't have the grace and dignity to admit as much".

Big difference.

KatharinaRosalie · 10/07/2018 07:05

We're abroad, we didn't know a soul here when we moved. No relatives either. In this kind of situation yes you should make an effort to build up a support network. Never been to a playdate or party - but have you invited any of the kids yourself? Do it. It's not that hard after a first few times. Join some local 'mums/parents of..' Facebook sites and see if there are any parents you get along with. Get to know neighbours. That's how it works, friends and people you can ask for a favour won't magically just happen.