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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why do people assume everyone has child care?!

243 replies

InTheLightOfTheMoon · 08/07/2018 20:56

I have an appointment to meet my sons new teacher tomorrow as he starts reception in september. However I have just noticed that the letter states parents only! (My mistake for not noticing it the first time) This means I am unable to attend as I have no child care. Why do they assume everyone has child care? Aibu to be annoyed?

OP posts:
Oblomov18 · 10/07/2018 07:08

3 of my friends with very SN children - including autism, cerebral palsy and Down syndrome all manage an occasional babysitter and go out to concerts/with their husband etc.

Having special needs clearly makes things much more complicated re finding someone to help. But it clearly is possible, if the donkey Work is put in originally.

SpreadingChestnutTree · 10/07/2018 07:15

Is there a class email group / WhatsApp group for either of your older children's classes? If so just ask if someone would be willing to mind your kids for 10 minutes while you go to the meeting.

Out of curiosity, do your own children have birthday parties, and if so do they invite any children from school?

BarbaraWarpecker · 10/07/2018 07:18

I don't think they assume you've got child care. I think they assume you'll read the letter and make a reasonable effort to organise childcare.
I imagine there are only a few minutes per parent and they don't want to waste time if you or they are distracted by the children. It's so you and they can focus on what needs to be discussed. Or if there's anything confidential which you wish to disclose- there are circumstances where you don't want to talk about your child in front of them.

abbsisspartacus · 10/07/2018 07:22

Similar issue here we have a drop in parents evening between three thirty and five I'm at work so are loads of people which gives me a choice leave an hour early and make it up at some point or not bother to go at all

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 10/07/2018 07:26

Sounds like your children are going to be as lonely as you, is that what you want? Sometimes we have to talk to people when we’re shy, ask others for favours when we don’t want to or chat rubbish to someone to pass the time. I’ve done it and you should consider the consequences for your children if you continue to isolate yourselves to this degree.

user546425732 · 10/07/2018 07:27

in my experience (I've always had to take my children) schools will be accommodating; they just want to avoid everybody bringing their children.

Drummingisfun · 10/07/2018 08:03

I have this same issue. I usually do have childcare but it's my parents and they happen to be away that whole week. So I will be taking the kids. Friends can't do childcare because they have a complicated school run and won't be back in time. I don't know any parents from new class to ask.

Original poster
InTheLightOfTheMoon · 10/07/2018 08:07

Can people stop saying my children wont have friends please! they have friends I witness it! however I have not become friendly with their friends mothers and thats a two way thing clearly since none of them have tried to befriend me either.
Personally I wouldnt invite children to my house without knowing their parents! I have acquaintances and people I chat to but no one I could/would be able to ask to baby sit. My children have days out for their birthday, firstly because I couldnt afford money for a class party and secondly no one else does it at the school, so I wouldnt even pay out for something which people are unlikely to attend as they dont know me.

OP posts:
Newsofas · 10/07/2018 08:12

If you had read the letter in time then perhaps you could have sorted something out. There will be occasions when you will need to go somewhere without DC ie hospital appointment, smear test, so you will need to sort out cover at sometime. We have all been there and all done it you are not unique.

Original poster
InTheLightOfTheMoon · 10/07/2018 08:17

Where did I say I was unique? maybe you should also read properly. I certainly dont think im the only parent to struggle with childcare!

OP posts:
eeanne · 10/07/2018 08:21

@InTheLightOfTheMoon

It's not just a childcare issue! That's what people are trying to say, this isn't about YOUR specific situation.

Two working parents whose child is with a nanny or grandmother wouldn't be able to attend either. As you said it's parents only.

School life doesn't align with a lot of parents' existing obligations. As a working mother I miss loads of things. That's life.

SnuggyBuggy · 10/07/2018 08:26

If you don't gave someone you don't have someone. We don't all have fabulous networks and with the state pension age rising chances are Aunt Mabel is still at work.

The lack of playdates and parties is odd and it's a shame they are missing out but if that's the norm for the school I don't see what you can do.

CrochetBelle · 10/07/2018 08:35

You say no grandparents, but what about aunt or uncle? Do you have any siblings, or cousins?
You say you don't know any neighbours. You need to get to know someone. You need to take some sort of responsibility for your children's circle.

Original poster
InTheLightOfTheMoon · 10/07/2018 08:53

Mums from the north of england and moved down to london when she was 18 so they are all up there and I havent seen them since childhood. Dads family is in another country. Have siblings but they are very selfish and wouldnt help out at all.

Equally none of my neighbours speak to eachother either. Never seen it happen. Everyone keeps to themselves. The parties and playdates thing is a shame but there has definitely not been any as my children would have said if there was a party and they werent invited.

OP posts:
Original poster
InTheLightOfTheMoon · 10/07/2018 08:54

Parents only obviously meant no children (which is what i suspected anyway.) So im sure grandparents would have been able to attend if they are the ones that do the school run.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 10/07/2018 08:57

Op, do you go through most days not speaking at all to another adult? It sounds like that. If you're happy with that, then that's fine, but it is unusual. If you're not happy with that, and as others have pointed out these instances of needing to go somewhere childfree will keep occurring, it would be worth making a bigger effort to get to know some people. There may be an emergency you need help in. Do your kids do any after school activities? Can you get a little job?

Fluffyrainbows · 10/07/2018 08:57

@Oblomov18 yes of course. I should've just put a bit more work in. Or money.
You literally have no idea how hard some situations are and that is so offensive.

Fluffyrainbows · 10/07/2018 09:05

@InTheLightOfTheMoon I totally empathise with you. It's clear from this thread that many people have access to different forms of childcare, and that's great. It doesn't mean those of us who don't are lesser people or our children are unhappy, it simply means we don't have access to childcare...
Sometimes it's very difficult to make friends with other parents and you just don't click with the little groups of friendships that pop up, it's not as easy as people make it sound. I also am often in several settings (supporting older child) and may just run in and out of school run rather than mingle for a while, it's not because I'm antisocial it's because I've come from another school etc. There is literally not a single parent I currently feel I could ask for childcare help. And on the occasion I was stuck in a&e and late for pick up my children waited at school (not for long thankfully) but I had no other option. I would not expect family to drive over an hour for me to attend a 20 minute meeting, and to those who say how do you manage with other children and appointments? They simply all have to attend.

Original poster
InTheLightOfTheMoon · 10/07/2018 09:05

I am carer for my disabled child. Work is not an option right now.

Yes I can go for days without talking to an adult but to be completely honest I dont think its the unusual/uncommon. Its a sad reality for a lot of people. Everyone said I would make friends when my children go to school, like it was a given and would be natural (without having to give the teacher my number to a teacher to pass on to my childrens friends parents.) infact I mentioned that to my sister and she found it hilarious! As I said I have tried but didnt get much back, tried making an effort to say hello to another mum at the school but it was very one sided and it became clear she wasnt interested in a friendship.

OP posts:
Original poster
InTheLightOfTheMoon · 10/07/2018 09:08

Thanks fluffyrainbows. I think your right, There probably just hasnt been that click with anyone at the school as we are just very different people.

OP posts:
Sheldonoscopy · 10/07/2018 09:22

I know not the point of the thread, but I feel desperately sad for you op.

I started the school run with dread when my dc went into reception. Quickly became clear I wasn’t the only one feeling like that and now have a fabulous little group of friends who will literally do anything for one another. This week my youngest has chicken pox and they organised amongst themselves who would be taking dc to and from school. They’re amazing. By the same token, if they need anything I’m right there. I’m sad you’re not local to me, you’d find a group of friends in us

Sheldonoscopy · 10/07/2018 09:23

I’m a lone parent too- so the support network is so needed

eeanne · 10/07/2018 09:32

Parents only obviously meant no children (which is what i suspected anyway.) So im sure grandparents would have been able to attend if they are the ones that do the school run.

That's an assumption on your part. I as a working parent who has hired childcare could easily read the same letter you did and post "AIBU - why do people assume there's always a non-working parent available to attend school meetings?"

If you miss the meeting so what...I don't see why this is such a drama.

And again - you don't have to be friends with other parents but it's good to know who they are and have contact details if your children play with their children regularly. I have a cordial relationship with the parents of my oldest's best friend but we don't get together one-on-one without the children and to be honest without the children's friendship they're not people we'd socialize with at all.

KatharinaRosalie · 10/07/2018 10:12

There are no parties and playdates between any of the kids in the class? That's quite uncommon.

Nobody said it's easy. You don't have to be best friends with other school parents. As I said, I live abroad and have only very basic local language skills. I also work full time so don't hang at school gates. I'm naturally very shy.
As you can see, I could find plenty of reasons why I can't get to know anybody. But DS just had a birthday party and even after limiting the list to closest people only, he still had 40 guests. Plenty of people I can ask to keep an eye on the kids for half an hour. You can do it. It takes conscious effort, it won't just happen, but you can.

TheKitchenWitch · 10/07/2018 11:36

So OP you’re saying that NONE of the children in the class go on play dates or have birthday parties? Ever?
And you wouldn’t have any of your D.C. friends round if you didn’t know the parents, but you can’t get to know the parents, so you’ll never let your kids have anyone round?
And none of the neighbors ever talks to each other or says hello?
And this is all completely normal?

May I ask whereabouts you live?

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