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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why do people assume everyone has child care?!

243 replies

InTheLightOfTheMoon · 08/07/2018 20:56

I have an appointment to meet my sons new teacher tomorrow as he starts reception in september. However I have just noticed that the letter states parents only! (My mistake for not noticing it the first time) This means I am unable to attend as I have no child care. Why do they assume everyone has child care? Aibu to be annoyed?

OP posts:
Original poster
InTheLightOfTheMoon · 10/07/2018 11:51

SE london. im not saying that other children dont have play dates im saying none of mine have been invited on play dates. likewise no school parties in the 2/3 years theyve been there. would people really send their kids to parents houses they never met? i doubt it tbh. they are strangers at the end of the day whether our kids attend the same school or not.

OP posts:
FranticallyPeaceful · 10/07/2018 11:53

My kids old school did this and most people took their kids anyway, as it’s difficult to find childcare on short notice even if you do have childcare. I took them to every single one as I couldn’t get childcare - it’s really not an issue, it’s not like they’re going to kick off about it. They just don’t want the child eves dropping mostly

sunglasses123 · 10/07/2018 12:03

I have to say that people who claim they literally have no one, no friends, relatives, partner need to try and resolve this. I think the OP is probably quite a difficult/private/shy person hence the fact there have been no invites to kids parties in 2-3 yrs.

That is really unusual and instead of blaming others perhaps they need to try and sort their own issues. Why don't you invite some children over yourself instead of complaining.

Sorry to sound harsh but honestly, you can definitely help yourself on this one

NameChanger22 · 10/07/2018 12:08

I don't have childcare.

Luckily DD's school have always allowed children to attend and they have a room for children to play in for parent's evenings.

It's a shame more schools aren't more considerate.

NameChanger22 · 10/07/2018 12:11

I don't have childcare because I don't have any family. I do have friends, but whenever I've asked them to look after DD, they've said no. Most people don't want the responsibility of other people's children it seems.

sunglasses123 · 10/07/2018 12:15

Honestly - stop being so negative! All these people saying that they don't have any friends, no family, people keep refusing etc. The vast majority of children have play dates, sleep overs etc. Make the offers first. Make sure the children have a good time and it will all fall into place.

Unless you want to be one of those people who kids have NEVER had anyone around!

Original poster
InTheLightOfTheMoon · 10/07/2018 12:21

Ive already said im painfully shy but thanks for the theory but tbh if people would exclude my children from play dates or parties because im shy then they are not the type of people I want to be friends with anyway! Though I dont believe that to be the case.

I have family, I have siblings, they just wouldnt help is all! Not everyone likes children or are helpful, the only family im NC with is my mother and thats because of something she done.

OP posts:
Fluffyrainbows · 10/07/2018 12:22

I can't believe some of the comments you are receiving! Perhaps all of us without childcare should go out with banners and placards saying that we need friends to help with our kids Hmm I've had kind ds at several different schools and they vary hugely in terms of what the norm is for play dates etc, I've found that in reception there are generally quite a few parties. At one school dd had quite a few play dates in reception and at my ds school he's had no play dates at all the whole of reception. He's well liked, well behaved and I've chatted to a couple of mums. No one I would dream of asking to take him home as neither he nor I would know them well enough.
Some schools have lots of clubs and children go home at different times and go to after school club, some parents are doing 2 or even 3 school runs and flit in and out. My little boy was at a preschool for a year and did not receive a single party invite or play. And I queued every day with the same people. But there were quite set little friendship groups with the parents.
You should not be made to feel bad for not having people you can call on for childcare because this is no reflection on you as a person or your child.

Fluffyrainbows · 10/07/2018 12:23

*kids not kind ds

50shadesofgreyismylaundry · 10/07/2018 12:25

I don't have easy child care. Sometimes I get a school friend's parent to take them for parent's evening but that isn't always possible. I take the kids with me with iPads, phones and books and they have to sit in the corridor. I'm not shy, my kids have playdates but that doesn't mean I can always rely on someone to look after my children for me.

Dungeondragon15 · 10/07/2018 12:51

I'm not shy or friendless either. My friends and relatives work though. Why is it assumed that everyone has friends/relatives sat at home during the day who can look after children so parents can attend school meetings. My children did have playmates at school but funnily enough, if I had to attend school for an event, so did their parents.

SnuggyBuggy · 10/07/2018 13:11

Where is this army of non-working, good with children people that just need befriending?

Oblomov18 · 10/07/2018 13:22

Fluffy rainbows I don't know which post you thought I was addressing to you?

But if you've honestly done everything you could to try and address the issue, Hmm, then no one can argue with that? Can they?

drspouse · 10/07/2018 13:31

As I said earlier, OP, if your children have NEVER been asked to a party or a playdate this is an entirely separate issue and really worth talking to their teacher.
I've sent my DS to homes I haven't been to but obviously I've met the parents even if just to chat briefly at drop off (as I've said we don't do pick up much due to working).

RedSkyLastNight · 10/07/2018 13:35

where is this army of non-working, good with children people

There are huge numbers of parents at my DC's school that are SAHPs, work part time, work shifts, work weekends, work evenings ... they are not all available all of the time, but there is a reasonable chance that one of them will be available at any given time (particularly if it's covering a school appointment when they may well have one of their own an hour or so later).

That's why so many posters are saying to get to know others in case of emergencies. The vast majority of people (even those who have family childcare options) do not have a single person on tap, all the time.

Fluffyrainbows · 10/07/2018 13:37

@Oblomov18 it was not addressed to me but it was really rude.
*. 3 of my friends with very SN children - including autism, cerebral palsy and Down syndrome all manage an occasional babysitter and go out to concerts/with their husband etc.

Having special needs clearly makes things much more complicated re finding someone to help. But it clearly is possible, if the donkey Work is put in originally. *

You just have no idea.

Dungeondragon15 · 10/07/2018 13:47

There are huge numbers of parents at my DC's school that are SAHPs, work part time, work shifts, work weekends, work evenings ... they are not all available all of the time, but there is a reasonable chance that one of them will be available at any given time (particularly if it's covering a school appointment when they may well have one of their own an hour or so later).

That isn't the case at my DD's school but even if it was the case, generally when I have needed to go to the school for an event so have they. Outside of the school I tend to have friends who work full time or they live too far away.

Dungeondragon15 · 10/07/2018 13:49

That's why so many posters are saying to get to know others in case of emergencies. The vast majority of people (even those who have family childcare options) do not have a single person on tap, all the time.

I think that many people do have someone pretty much on tap and they are often the ones who have no idea what it is like if you don't.

sunglasses123 · 10/07/2018 13:51

Red Sky is right. You don't have one person on standby permamently. It doesn't work like that and with children you need to make more of an effort to make this work. You sadly sound like you have a massive chip on your shoulder about this, how many people have you invited over for a play date? That would be a start but really this issue is in YOUR hands to resolve.

If you don't do it for yourself do it for your children who seem to be missing out. My children are almost grown now but I didn't know anyone who was never invited to a party in 2 years.

Oblomov18 · 10/07/2018 13:57

"You just have no idea."

Really? HmmHow do you know that?
I do know. Or, I have some inkling. My closest friends have Serious health conditions, as do their children.

KatharinaRosalie · 10/07/2018 13:58

All the people saying that your kids are never invited for parties and playdates - have you invited other kids then, and nobody returns the invite?

Whirlytastic · 10/07/2018 14:00

I'm very sympathetic about not having childcare options readily available, and schools not seeming to understand this. Drives me bonkers.

But - I think OP is perhaps being a bit too reticent about other children/parents. I live in SE London too. I've always let her go to other people's houses, and had friends to ours - it's how you get to know people. If DD said, can so-and-so come to play? - I'd say, why don't you point her/him out in the playground at school pick-up, and then I'd go and talk to their parent and ask if child would like to come round. That's how they become not-strangers.

Have never assumed I'd become good friends with school parents, but knowing them in context of DCs being friends is helpful - for kids' social lives and for exchanging the odd favour. (Sorry if that's stating the bleeding obvious!)

SnuggyBuggy · 10/07/2018 14:13

RedSky, that won't always be the case, I've been meeting lots of new people but they are all people who work. SAHPs aren't the norm everywhere.

Boulshired · 10/07/2018 14:20

If people could easily make friends then they would. It is a skill that for some is one they do not have. I have people who offer but with a severely disabled child it is nothing but lip service to make them feel better.

sunglasses123 · 10/07/2018 14:32

I agree that depending where you are SAHP's aren't always the norm. Both my DH and I work full time. When school finished at 1530 in the first few years we paid a child minder to pick up and mind until 1800. Do look at who picks up the child. Who are those people, au pairs, grandparents, parents taking it in turns (like DH and myself)? Try and think creatively? There will also be SAHM doing the pick ups.

We went private so saw all sorts of arrangements, grandparents, another parent, child minders who do school pick ups, a parent doing another working parent a favour (because they did it the week before etc). There will be a solution in all of this but I am thinking its the OP that will have to get her head around it before it moves forward.