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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why do people assume everyone has child care?!

243 replies

InTheLightOfTheMoon · 08/07/2018 20:56

I have an appointment to meet my sons new teacher tomorrow as he starts reception in september. However I have just noticed that the letter states parents only! (My mistake for not noticing it the first time) This means I am unable to attend as I have no child care. Why do they assume everyone has child care? Aibu to be annoyed?

OP posts:
EiraCat · 09/07/2018 08:24

I have no family OR friends in the entire county. Even if I did have friends here, none of them have kids or their own place to live so unlikely to want to babysit. All have full-time jobs. I'd be at a loss, as I cannot afford random sitters. It's DP or nothing at all.

yesiamgoingtoeatthat · 09/07/2018 08:26

Sorry OP haven't RTFT but as an SM with no local family have had to take DC to all school appointments. They can wait outside the room and play with whatever is there, it is a school after all! It's a good opportunity for the new teacher to get to know your situation. Don't they have a meeting with you and DC in order to meet them ahead of reception starting? Apologies if I missed that.

Beamur · 09/07/2018 08:27

Haven't rft but get used to schools not considering your childcare needs. Some do, some don't.
My DDs school was pretty good on the whole but the attitude of some Teachers was based on the expectation that there was a stay at home Mum or parent on hand after school.

Souledout · 09/07/2018 08:28

I paid for a childminder to have DD, so I could go childless as instructed.

There were lots of couples with children & siblings and some even took Grandparents with them.

So I paid & went alone, others had 3 adults & 2 children. Hmm

Dungeondragon15 · 09/07/2018 08:32

Errr, most people are strangers until you meet them. Wasn't their nursery teacher? hmminitially a stranger. Their teacher next year will be, until they meet them. Odd view.

That is hardly the same as employing some random from a babysitting agency for a one-off school appointment for another child. Even if a child is extremely upset at being left at nursery or school the first time you know that doing so is necessary and ultimately for their benefit. That is hardly true of leaving them with a babysitter from an agency in this situation.

EiraCat · 09/07/2018 08:34

There’s no way in a hell I would pay a random to just show up - my child would be terrified.

Same. Even if I could afford it, I wouldn't put her through it. She has only just started being friendly with nursery staff who she needs 3 times a week, let alone a complete randomer looking after her. Confused

Olikingcharles · 09/07/2018 08:37

Just take the other DC. All these posters saying you must have someone to babysit REALLY not everyone has family or friends to rely on for that. I never did DC came with or i didn't go end of!!!

eeanne · 09/07/2018 08:37

You only think that is the assumption because it's your particular case.

What about parents who are travelling for work at that time - it says parents only so that means relatives/nanny who watch the child aren't invited, right? That person could say "Why do they assume everyone is in town and available to attend when so many parents work away?"

Stop making assumptions about what the school means and just call them and explain. They'll tell you what your options are.

drspouse · 09/07/2018 08:42

Do your children not have friends whose parents you know to chat to?
I've had two really helpful friends-of-DS-mums who've kindly arranged a play date when I've needed to take DD to an appointment. I have reciprocated for one and waiting on the other.
DS asked to play with one specifically, the other was a mum I got chatting to.
No use for the immediate issue but I can't chat to that many parents (working longer hours rather than shyness) and this is how I've got to know other parents.

ConkerGame · 09/07/2018 08:48

My mum took me to the “meet the reception teacher” afternoon. I (age 4) was told to stand outside the classroom - one wall of the classroom had windows the whole way along it and I was instructed to stay within that corridor so they could see me at all times. If your kid is well behaved and follows instructions you could do something like that? Equally they could be told to sit quietly in a corner with a book or toy and told not to interrupt or disturb you under any circumstances? They need to get used to instructions for school anyway!

wandaandthealien · 09/07/2018 09:00

The trouble is that if they don't say its not child friendly and everyone brings their school aged child(ren) it would be carnage and hard to hear the teacher speak or be able to ask questions.

The vast majority will be able to get some form of childcare (I am also a lone parent so do understand not all do) and can ask a friend/family member to watch them for an hour. From experience babies don't tend to count, my baby was a few weeks old when DC1 started school so attended all these types of meetings and was no trouble, my eldest would have sat and chatted/been bored/played up however.

wandaandthealien · 09/07/2018 09:02

On another note (on seeing your post about no friends), school will hopefully open this up for you as having a couple of other mums you trust is invaluable for the odd time an emergency scenario or say the baby was ill to help pick up your DC or to give you an extra 10 mins.

EiraCat · 09/07/2018 09:22

My daughter does have a friend at nursery but I've never even met their parents. They aren't there when we drop-off or pick-up (different times). So no, I don't speak to any other parents.

confusedofengland · 09/07/2018 09:35

Another thought, which won't help you for today, but may do in the future. Do mention to the school that you don't have childcare & as such may not be able to attend some school events that DC are not invited to. They may not have considered this before & may be able to set something up, at least in some situations.

E.g. when my DS1 was at the school that Ds3 is about to start, I found myself unable to attend family classroom learning sessions as they stated no siblings allowed. I was chatting to the head teacher one day & explained I'd love to attend these things but it was impossible with 1 or 2 smaller DC. Lo and behold, at the next if these sessions & ever since they provide a creche in the hall for that event, with teachers not needed in the classroom, a DVD & a few toys. They cannot do it for every event but that is certainly an improvement imo.

Original poster
InTheLightOfTheMoon · 09/07/2018 12:11

Well the appointment was definitely parents only. I spoke with reception when dropping my other children. sorry but no way would I get a random babysitter. Also dont speak to any of my childrens friends parents. Its just not that kind of school, theyve never had play dates or ever been invited to parties or anything like that.

OP posts:
Appuskidu · 09/07/2018 12:15

Also dont speak to any of my childrens friends parents. Its just not that kind of school

How odd! I’ve worked in lots of schools and have never known one to be like that. Very sad.

drspouse · 09/07/2018 12:19

theyve never had play dates or ever been invited to parties or anything like that.

Really? Almost all children in primary school have a party at some point. Many have whole class parties.
While it's not common to be invited to a party by every other child in the class (even if you had a whole class party yourself) I would be slightly concerned if you have a Y2 child who has literally never asked to play with another child or been invited to a party. This would be something I would be bringing up with the class teacher.

I am proactive in getting my DS to have playdates and talking to him about his friends because he's been in a "friendship" group to encourage him to make friends appropriately and he has some SEN. But I would expect all children to talk about their friends, mention that other children have playdates, and every single child should have a birthday party invite at some time unless their family just won't celebrate birthdays.

It's not possible for a school to be the sort of school where children don't make friends and don't ask to play with other children out of school unless they are actively discouraging play and friendships, which makes it a very bad sort of school. It's totally possible for a child to be the sort of child who doesn't talk about friendships, but that is a worrying sign (not necessarily because of the child themself - possibly because of the way the school is approaching them).

RolyRocks · 09/07/2018 12:37

That is hardly the same as employing some random from a babysitting agency for a one-off school appointment for another child.

But they are not some ‘random’ - they are vetted through an agency, have experience and qualifications and have been DBS checked. It’s ok to not want to use paid for childcare but it pisses me off when people then claim they have no childcare when they really mean, they don’t want to have to pay for it.
I have no grandparents on either side for my DC and no family members nearby, so I choose to use paid for childcare, such as through sitters.com who have always been great and at about £7 p/h, won’t break the bank for mostpeople. Kids cost money. If you don’t want to go down the route-that’s fine but it is a perfectly valid form of childcare and not the awful option some claim it to be.

The OP’s thread title is a little misleading as the OP clearly means ‘free family members or friends’ form of childcare, when in actual fact, everyone has access to childcare: it’s whether they choose to pay for it or go through the effort of asking for favours that is the reality. When every avenue has been trialled, then you can truly say if you have childcare or not.

UrgentScurryfunge · 09/07/2018 12:45

I've found with DS's class that children with SAHM/ P/T mums that were able to go to the school's nursery had very secure, well established fiendships before reception class started, so those with F/T mums that came from private nurseries clustered together. So until I stopped working, I didn't have any contact with any other parents until I stopped working because at 5:55 each day, DS was the last one left in childcare.

It is very easy to be in a position of having noone you can ask for childcare.

(GPs either too eldery and infirm or young and working F/T, but all far too far anyway. Friends all F/T. DH frequently working away etc)

eeanne · 09/07/2018 12:49

Also dont speak to any of my childrens friends parents. Its just not that kind of school, theyve never had play dates or ever been invited to parties or anything like that.

This strikes me as a bigger issue. Send a note to school with your children addressed to Johnny’s parents and ask the teacher to give to Johnny. Include your contact info. I work full time but if my child regularly mentions a friend by name I try to connect like that.

UrgentScurryfunge · 09/07/2018 12:51

I had to take the DCs to the introduction meeting as it was timed right over last nursery pick-up.

Few parents can or want to pay ££ for somone totally unknown to them to be left in their home with their children 1:1 for a short appointment. That is a completely reasonable stance.

I have umpteen DBS checks and experience with young people age 5-18. Doesn't mean you'll necessarily trust me to be in your house and care for your children.

MoreProsecco · 09/07/2018 12:59

Absolutely, urgent - and there's many DC who aren't happy to be looked after by a random person they haven't met before, whether that person is DBS checked or whatever.

Agencies charge a joining fee & £10/hour round here - babysitters much the same. That's not affordable to many.

I've often tried to book extra nursery sessions (costing £50/day or £30 a half day). Nurseries are regularly full to capacity, with no extra spaces, so I have missed important things due to this (SIL's father's funeral).

But I guess this is AIBU & you'll be told that yes, you are, no matter what.

halfwitpicker · 09/07/2018 13:06

Just take your kids OP.

It'll be fine. They've seen it all before.

Troika · 09/07/2018 13:08

I’ve just looked on that sitters site and they only came up with one person in my area for evening babysitting (who was actually 12.6 miles away) and none for daytime. So not as easy as it might seem.

Oblomov18 · 09/07/2018 13:13

I wasn't suggesting you got a babysitter your child had never met before. I was suggesting you plan properly for this. For future.
Phone a few people, arrange meetings, discuss with children:
"It's rare mummy needs to go out, but if I do need to, I want you to be comfortable so I'm going to introduce you to aunty Mable/Gemma who lives round the corner....."

You have multiple dc OP?
If you get through parenthood, never needing help/childcare/a hand, this would be ...... unusual? Unrealistic?

Then your child will be ok.

Or alternatively. Carrying on putting in as many obstacles as possible, that prevents you? And then starting MN threads getting cross about it!
Your choice!

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