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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why do people assume everyone has child care?!

243 replies

InTheLightOfTheMoon · 08/07/2018 20:56

I have an appointment to meet my sons new teacher tomorrow as he starts reception in september. However I have just noticed that the letter states parents only! (My mistake for not noticing it the first time) This means I am unable to attend as I have no child care. Why do they assume everyone has child care? Aibu to be annoyed?

OP posts:
Evvvve · 08/07/2018 23:09

I had a very similar situation a few weeks ago, letter had said it was a meeting for parents to get to know the teachers, find out key information about the school etc. I called to just ask if it was strictly just for parents and no children (the meeting was 3pm) so I really did think children would be allowed too but they said strictly adults only. My dp works away and no one round to help so I couldn't go. They gave me a copy of all the handouts at a later date though.

SmellyNelly2018 · 08/07/2018 23:15

Just phone and or take child along they can’t except you to abandon them.
We had no support here and if DH wasn’t going to be home for parents evening I had to pay a sitter usually for 3 hours. It pissed me off no end to see others attending parents eve with both parents a baby and a couple of DC taking up the seats outside the classroom meant for parents and happily dragging out their appointments. Eventually I joined them and also took DC along.

Josieannathe2nd · 08/07/2018 23:19

Personally if I wanted to go and thought my children would be well behaved (e.g. stare at tablet and not move) I would go anyway and mumble something about childcare falling through. I’ve taken babies and toddlers to plenty of places they’re not meant to be. Sometimes it’s been fine, sometimes I’ve had to make a quick exit as I won’t let them disturb other people but I’ve been able to attend more than I would if I had to sort childcare. Also, they now seem to have a sense of when to step up and behave extra well.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 08/07/2018 23:25

I find many parents at our school ignore such instructions anyway leaving those of us who do bother to get something sorted a little bit miffed

I am an only child with one deceased parent and othe other with dementia. No close family locally (within 50 miles). I am also a single parent. Childcare is expensive, that’s even assuming you can get it when you need it. It is no about not being bothered for some people. Do climb out of your ivory tower, eh?

MyDcAreMarvel · 08/07/2018 23:30

A meeting for parents only means children don’t need to come , not that they can’t

RoboJesus · 08/07/2018 23:30

Just take the kids with you. I do. I would only not go if it was inappropriate for them to be there. But it's a school, they'll be fine

Grammarist · 09/07/2018 00:18

Having children with very specific medical needs equates to not getting babysitters easily. I wouldn't leave my children with some random babysitters off sitters.com under any circumstances. One of my children would medically be fine but I need to know that the sitter could cope well. I'd expect any sitter to have decent paediatric first aid training - which limits my options.

So - no, it's not always as simple as people say. Building up a network is virtually impossible when your child's medical needs scare people off having the responsibility.

InionEile · 09/07/2018 00:29

With a bit of planning ahead, you can arrange childcare. I have no family nearby or anyone I can ask for help at short notice but I almost always make it to these 'parent only' school meetings.

Last time, my friend and I arranged it so we had parent-teacher appointments back-to-back so she watched my children with hers while I met our teacher and then I watched her kids with mine while she met their teacher.

You just have to figure things out and, yes, it is much harder without reliable help from family or neighbors as you have to rely on favours from friends or just paying a babysitter. That doesn't mean it's impossible though.

Pengggwn · 09/07/2018 06:00

Plus it's a school meeting, not a job interview, an MRI scan etc where it really wouldn't be appropriate to take a child. FFS.

That is for the school to decide. In my experience a meeting where the parents have brought younger children takes twice as long, because the children need the toilet or are running off or asking for things. If they have allowed for ten minutes per family and half bring children, they may end up making everyone late or running out of time.

wheezing · 09/07/2018 06:48

It’s ok to not want a stranger looking after a young child though to the people who keep suggesting this!
There’s no way in a hell I would pay a random to just show up - my child would be terrified. Perhaps a regular babysitter you’ve built up a relationship with, so maybe a friend’s nanny or something. But these things would take time to build up.

And OP has clearly said she has no friends at the school so that is impossible.

Just bring your kids OP.

Argeles · 09/07/2018 07:12

I would be in exactly the same position as you op.

Just go there with your child and tell them that you read the letter, but that he/she is with you due to a lack of childcare/no support network. Don’t apologise though. As many people as possible need to be made aware that for some, childcare just isn’t an option.

I used to be a Teacher, and I was never inconvenienced in the slightest when younger children/babies accompanied their parents to school events.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 09/07/2018 07:28

Don't just turn up with children, ring and explain the situation and see if they can accommodate. Most events at ours now say no children as parents refuse to leave if their child is noisy, messes etc.

I think you need to get over the fear of babysitters though given you were fining leaving the others with school staff that you wouldn't have known so technically strangers anyway. Presumably at some point you'll need childcare to work etc.

MoreProsecco · 09/07/2018 07:36

Penggwyn - the school don't get to decide whether I have childcare available or not.

And a parents meeting really isn't life or death.

I have been to many school events with a younger DC and it's never been an issue.

Thankfully the school my DC go to has never specifically asked that parents attend alone. I'd be pretty pissed off if they did.

Xenia · 09/07/2018 07:38

One reason I pay school fees! As the schools often assume mothers have careers and put more events after school in the evenings..

Oblomov18 · 09/07/2018 07:46

Then get childcare. Hire a babysitter. Use an agency. It's easy enough.

RedSkyLastNight · 09/07/2018 07:58

I never had any childcare on tap and agree it's annoying when others assume you must have but ... this is going to be a short meeting only. You take your DC and sit them in the corner/outside the room depending on age/whether they will sit still. Or you agree a "child swap" with another parent - for such a short time, not really a big deal.

If you genuinely know absolutely no one who would watch your DC for half an hour OP, can I suggest you make it a priority to get to know other school parents when your DC starts school - this is not the only time you'll need to find someone to mind them.

BikeRunSki · 09/07/2018 08:00

I also have no family (or in laws) locally, and only childcare which I can find to pay for, as dh works away in the week a lot.

Take the younger child. Take a bit of colouring/Lego/grapes.

IME “Parents only” means not to bring along every auntie, grandma etc.

Oblomov18 · 09/07/2018 08:01

Yes YABVU to be annoyed. You could get childcare. You choose not to. Choice.
You said you don't WANT to leave them with a stranger.
Errr, most people are strangers until you meet them. Wasn't their nursery teacher? Hmminitially a stranger. Their teacher next year will be, until they meet them. Odd view.
You are making a rod for your own back. At least have the grace and dignity to admit so.

Oblomov18 · 09/07/2018 08:04

"I find alot of places do seem to think everyone has help."

I completely disagree. I don't think there is this assumption at all.
I have no family nearby. I've not had help.
But most people can get help if they put their mind to it. Or choose to.

Oblomov18 · 09/07/2018 08:06

And maybe consider this issue, for how you are going to get around it, in the future.

Appuskidu · 09/07/2018 08:10

They might not expect everyone to have childcare, but they probably do expect everyone to be able to read the letter.

This.

What time is the appointment?

monkeymamma · 09/07/2018 08:12

ohreallyoh I would fully support your decision to take your dc as I completely understand your position. However, I clearly remember one parents-only presentation at school that my friends and I all had to attend. We’d all found childcare (paid) and then sat through 1.5hrs of someone else’s toddler screaming while both her parents watched the presentation! Clearly one of them could have taken the wee girl home but they didn’t bother. Knowing I was paying nursery rates to sit through a presentation I couldn’t hear did make me pretty teeth-grindy. Parents evening is usually the same - we’ll make complicated arrangements with friends doing swaps etc then get there and half the school’s kids are wandering about while both parents chat to teachers...

Dungeondragon15 · 09/07/2018 08:14

YANBU. I used to find this irritating too. Not everyone has relatives living nearby or friends who don't work. DH could look after my other child most of the time but there were times when it wasn't possible. The amount of notice made no difference to that. There was also no way I could leave my younger child with a stranger.
It seems quite specific to primary school as certainly, my children's secondary school recognises that not everyone has relatives available for childcare or non-working friends.
I would just phone the school and explain.

SuburbanRhonda · 09/07/2018 08:19

Agree with PP that you should phone and explain you have no one to mind the children. Please don’t just bring them along, as it will look like you think the rule doesn’t apply to you.

And please take from this that you should read the whole letter thoroughly - yes, even the bits in brackets! - otherwise this will happen time and time again.

Dungeondragon15 · 09/07/2018 08:19

There’s no way in a hell I would pay a random to just show up - my child would be terrified.

Exactly. Some posters (probably those with retired grandparents living next door) really are clueless. The assumption that everyone has friends and relatives who can babysit is also ridiculous. Does it not occur to them that even if those people do live nearby, they may actually work during the day.

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