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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is my mother??

237 replies

rosesandflowers1 · 08/07/2018 19:27

Summer holidays we had a family holiday planned (DH, DD1, DS, DD2 and I, along with my parents) to go to a caravan park or Center Parcs or something. They left planning very late but that's not the point... now they want to go abroad, France or Spain my mother is saying.

DD1 is terrified of flying, she hated planes anyway and always insisted something bad was going to happen on holidays... it was just anxiety and she always loved it once we got there, but at the time she needs lots of reassurance and on the two holidays that my parents have been there they've been dickheads very misunderstanding about it on the plane.

Last year DD had a seizure abroad and got diagnosed with epilepsy; essentially, the bad thing happened. Now she's flat out refusing to go abroad and I don't blame her. I don't really think booking an overseas holiday in so little advance makes sense either.

My parents seem to think it's about cost Hmm It's not. My mother says she'll pay, we don't need her to, and then she got cross and said I was too proud. I reaffirmed this was about DD and that DH or I would have to stay home with her so it wouldn't really be a family holiday.

She said it was our fault for "giving in" to her fear. Now she went whining to my aunt about my selfishness and that DH puts me up to it, apparently Hmm

I'm pretty sure I'm not BU about the last part; but should have I just caved and booked an abroad holiday and forced DD to go? It's been a hugely chaotic couple of months - year, really - for DD especially, and she's just getting better. I don't think it would be fair to do that, but my mother as always has put doubt into my head.

Help?

OP posts:
9amTrain · 08/07/2018 19:29

Your mother!

bumbleboots · 08/07/2018 19:29

Your poor DD. That sounds awful. YANBU.

Apileofballyhoo · 08/07/2018 19:30

YANBU. Your mother is being very odd.

Disfordarkchocolate · 08/07/2018 19:31

That's a very stressful illness for a child to get used to. I would stay in the UK and not holiday with your parents at all. The last thing your daughter needs is for added stress to trigger her illness.

Floralnomad · 08/07/2018 19:32

Your mother is being horrible , don’t go on holiday with them at all , anywhere , ever .

saoirse31 · 08/07/2018 19:32

Your mother appears to regard herself as the most important person here, not your dd. Yanbu.

Singlenotsingle · 08/07/2018 19:32

Couldn't you go by ferry to Spain or France? Brittany Ferries are lovely and you can take the car.

DartmoorDoughnut · 08/07/2018 19:33

YANBU holidays are meant to be fun not a form of torture I bet your DH is rather pleased to be avoiding a week with his ILs though judging by what you’ve said!

Original poster
rosesandflowers1 · 08/07/2018 19:33

Your mother is being very odd.

A bit standard for her unfortunately... she's the sort of person that wants things done her way.

But I'm glad the general consensus is I'm not. Maybe I will just go Centre Parcs with the immediate family and they can book their own bloody holiday.

OP posts:
JamPasty · 08/07/2018 19:33

Christ! Let your parents go on holiday abroad, and you and your family can have a nice holiday in the UK.

BrazzleDazzleDay · 08/07/2018 19:34

Christ she sounds a delight, why would you want to go on holiday with her?

WhereYouLeftIt · 08/07/2018 19:35

YANBU, but your mother is. Very.

Go on your holiday here, and she can go wherever she damned well wants. Just their two selves.

Booboobooboo84 · 08/07/2018 19:40

Your mother is bang out of order. Your poor dd it’s a horrible thing to be diagnosed with and while as a parent it is up to you to help her get over her travel fears you can’t force it like you mum said. Would driving me an option? If not this time then I would definitely recommend just a short boat trip somewhere at some point to help her. Book the holiday you and your family want and tell your mum she’s welcome to come- if you want her too now that is.

Wolfiefan · 08/07/2018 19:42

Yep. Let her fly off. Have a chilled holiday with your own family.
If your child was diagnosed epileptic whilst on holiday and is terrified of flying then she can't just "get over" that. It's not pandering to refuse to fly the following year. You do what's best for her. Tackle her anxiety in your own way at her own pace. Poor kid.

zzzzz · 08/07/2018 19:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
rosesandflowers1 · 08/07/2018 19:56

You are allowed to say “no” to your mother.

That's exactly what DH said to me Grin It's strange because I love her but sometimes I'm reminded why I was so happy to move out. She disapproves of every big decision I make.

I'll look into ferries but I'm not sure if DD just doesn't want to go somewhere abroad, full stop, after recent events . I don't think DH will be a fan either, he thinks I compromise with my mother's control freak tendencies too much.

I'll look into them though - maybe I can talk to DH and DD about it. Can you book ferries in so little advance?

OP posts:
SeaToSki · 08/07/2018 19:58

I dont think you should go. But I think you should enroll DD in a fear of flying course or something similar, to help her get past her anxiety. If you let it fester it will only get bigger and bigger in her mind. Anxiety has to be actively fought

Original poster
rosesandflowers1 · 08/07/2018 20:01

DD had just started counselling, we began it for a separate issue but I think maybe the counsellor talking to her about her phobia of flying is a good idea.

Maybe we haven't looked into it enough - she really has been afraid of it as long as she can remember.

Either way, I think dragging her onto a plane would be immensely damaging to our relationship - she needs to trust that I'll stand behind her; besides, if anything bad did happen, even if it was something small, I think it would have the complete opposite effect.

OP posts:
Adnerb95 · 08/07/2018 20:02

If you were going to a Center parks type location in U.K., then as others have suggested why not Eurocamp or similar? Your DM/DF can fly if they want and you can drive. It might also work out cheaper than a package holiday to Spain.

TheBigFatMermaid · 08/07/2018 20:03

I think you should tell your 'D'M that y are 'giving in' to your DDs fears, you are caring for your child, which is what a parent is meant to do. What you will not be doing is 'giving in' to your mother, against what your DD wants and need.

longwayoff · 08/07/2018 20:04

Your mother has forgotten you're an adult. Remind her. Firmly. Cant believe shes so selfish. Book your holiday and let her get on with hers.

eggsandwich · 08/07/2018 20:04

Why do you need to go on holiday with your parents?

Surely it’s time to do things just as a family instead of having relatives along I never understand it, if you go just as a family you can do just what you want to do.

zzzzz · 08/07/2018 20:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
rosesandflowers1 · 08/07/2018 20:07

Your mother has forgotten you're an adult.

In all honesty, she's probably never viewed me as one!

Why do you need to go on holiday with your parents?

They like to and it can be nice though there's been some blowups in the past

This year I'm thinking it's not worth the hassle.

OP posts:
KokoandAllBall · 08/07/2018 20:08

Yes, let them book their own holiday, and you book one that suits your family. Do you always go away with them?

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