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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is my mother??

237 replies

rosesandflowers1 · 08/07/2018 19:27

Summer holidays we had a family holiday planned (DH, DD1, DS, DD2 and I, along with my parents) to go to a caravan park or Center Parcs or something. They left planning very late but that's not the point... now they want to go abroad, France or Spain my mother is saying.

DD1 is terrified of flying, she hated planes anyway and always insisted something bad was going to happen on holidays... it was just anxiety and she always loved it once we got there, but at the time she needs lots of reassurance and on the two holidays that my parents have been there they've been dickheads very misunderstanding about it on the plane.

Last year DD had a seizure abroad and got diagnosed with epilepsy; essentially, the bad thing happened. Now she's flat out refusing to go abroad and I don't blame her. I don't really think booking an overseas holiday in so little advance makes sense either.

My parents seem to think it's about cost Hmm It's not. My mother says she'll pay, we don't need her to, and then she got cross and said I was too proud. I reaffirmed this was about DD and that DH or I would have to stay home with her so it wouldn't really be a family holiday.

She said it was our fault for "giving in" to her fear. Now she went whining to my aunt about my selfishness and that DH puts me up to it, apparently Hmm

I'm pretty sure I'm not BU about the last part; but should have I just caved and booked an abroad holiday and forced DD to go? It's been a hugely chaotic couple of months - year, really - for DD especially, and she's just getting better. I don't think it would be fair to do that, but my mother as always has put doubt into my head.

Help?

OP posts:
Original poster
rosesandflowers1 · 09/07/2018 19:17

Have talked to DH and DD.

DH is fuming as I guessed he would be - furious already at the messages, before I even mentioned what happened to DD. He's very upset on his own behalf too, which is somewhat odd, my mother doesn't really get to him that much. A message that it really is time to draw the line now.

DD said that essentially my mother told her that her selfishness and playacting were costing the family happiness! Probably more as I've never known my mother to be so concise, but you get the gist.

I am fuming. DH wanted to call her up and have it out with her on the phone, but I think it's a bad idea to do that especially when he's so angry - besides, I want to do it myself. I'm thinking I'll text her.

DH wants the two of us to meet her somewhere (a coffee shop or cafe maybe, neutral ground) but I'm slightly wary of doing that... but before I text her I need to decide if it's a "goodbye/we will be seeing you extremely infrequently from now on" or a "we need to meet up and talk about this" text.

DH has said it's my choice on exactly how we do it. I've drafted the first part of the text but still unsure as to whether I should meet up with her.

This is all so vile and ridiculous and I wish my mother could just be nicer.

OP posts:
zzzzz · 09/07/2018 19:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LemonysSnicket · 09/07/2018 19:28

Ferry?

Original poster
rosesandflowers1 · 09/07/2018 19:41

Ferry?

Thanks for the suggestion, but I'm thinking the holidays not happening.

btw I love A Series of Unfortunate Events

OP posts:
DartmoorDoughnut · 09/07/2018 19:48

I think @Hissy always gives fab advice when it comes to dealing with horrible parents

Original poster
rosesandflowers1 · 10/07/2018 07:04

Hi all,

Eventually I just texted my mother very limited contact from now on. I don't want to deal with her face to face.

Both she and my aunt have been ringing all night. DH almost answered at one point Lots of text messages, some filled with abuse, some 'I love you' etc. messages and a link to the National Domestic Violence Helpline, FFS.

I've muted the alerts and sent her calls to ignore, same with my aunt.

I'm a bit devastated that an argument over a holiday has turned into this! But especially after the new onset of messages I don't really want to see her. I've never done this before though, I don't want to block her number completely as I did say LC, not NC, but if she keeps up with the messages I might have to!

I think when I meet her I'll try to do so without the DC, or at least very infrequently, they (especially DD) don't need too much exposure to her.

Thank you very much for help and replies Flowers

OP posts:
PatheticNurse · 10/07/2018 07:21

Is she likely to turn up at your house? Have they got a key?

StatisticallyChallenged · 10/07/2018 07:41

The assumptions that you "rejecting" her must be down to someone else's influence - your DH in your case - is both textbook narc, infuriating and infantilising. It's like she expects you to comply with her wishes and if you don't it can only be because you're being forced not to.

PramCush · 10/07/2018 07:43

I think you've gone way too far, OP. You're angry, it is not the time to be making life-altering decisions. In real life, people don't go low contact or no contact over a fight with their parents. They are your family, your mother raised you. You've had a fight. LC is a MASSIVE over-reaction. I can see why your DM thinks your husband is responsible, he seems to be poisoning you against her. To be fair, you're getting some batshit advice on here, too. Try talking to some real life friends, they'll help you to reel it in a bit. You're doing a lot of damage at the moment.

zzzzz · 10/07/2018 07:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PramCush · 10/07/2018 08:01

Revolting behaviour?! They just think she shouldn't indulge her daughter's irrational fear of "out foreign". You know that it's possible to disagree and - gasp - even have a fight without ruining a relationship, right? Your mother spent years of her life raising you. I hope your children are kinder to you if you ever have a fight. People in families generally put up with each other a bit. They put up with you, too. It's part of the deal. They're not just strangers on a bus, you do owe each other something!

zzzzz · 10/07/2018 08:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhiteWalkerWife · 10/07/2018 08:08

They verbally and emotionally abuse OP.
They are rude and dismissive of her DH.
They dont have a care for their grandchild health conditions including newly diagnosed epilepsy and anxiety.
They tried to guilt and manipulate a child to get their own way.

This is on them. They threw their toys out of the pram because Roses prefered center parcs. Frankly, they are lucky given all of the above that they were ever allowed on holiday in the first place.

While i agree OP shouldnt rush things her mum sounds toxic from all her updates and i would be concerned if anyone dismisses it as a family fight how low the bar must be. Roses, you must do what is best for you and if i was getting a barrage of abuse then i would take a massive step back too.

ShatnersWig · 10/07/2018 08:12

@PramCush Are you on glue?

PramCush · 10/07/2018 08:32

@ShatnersWig No, why would I be on glue? Because I believe that family relationships often involve some degree of putting up with each other, and disagree with the mass hysteria on here about going LC/NC over a fight? Is that what you think characterises someone on glue?

PramCush · 10/07/2018 08:34

Any fight can be characterised as abusive. In real life, people fight and the relationship isn't ruined because an ungrateful OP is willing to throw away decades of a relationship because her mother acter like a bit of a dick.

Original poster
rosesandflowers1 · 10/07/2018 08:37

I can see why your DM thinks your husband is responsible, he seems to be poisoning you against her. To be fair, you're getting some batshit advice on here, too. Try talking to some real life friends, they'll help you to reel it in a bit. You're doing a lot of damage at the moment.

I'm not sure if you've seen my post after I've read the article, but how exactly my mother "raised" me is ... suspect, to say the least. I've always known our relationship wasn't healthy but contacting DD is over the line. Dealing with her behaviour myself is one thing, but I have my own daughter now that I have to prioritise.

My DH isn't "poisoning" me against her, if anything the opposite considering she's trying to get me to ring a Domestic Violence Helpline Hmm I don't think any of my l real life friends have never met her, except one I've known since I was a child. She can't stand her.

If me saying I didn't want to see her as much anymore caused damage, what do you think her comments did?

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 10/07/2018 08:38

Some degree Yes. But it crosses the line when you verbally abuse your own granddaughter and try to make her feel bad and that she is costing the family happiness after years of guilt tripping your own daughter.

The ONLY person costing the family happiness is the mother and the aunt. No one needs to have years of being made to feel bad or guilty by ones parents.

kitchenrollinrollinrollin · 10/07/2018 08:48

pram You clearly either having rtfh or you're a narcissist also so cannot understand how abusive this woman is being. She must meet some boundaries or she could do a lot of damage herself. To a vulnerable teenager.

DingDongDenny · 10/07/2018 08:52

I think pram is the Aunt

ShatnersWig · 10/07/2018 08:55

Having seen Pram on other threads, I think she's one of those posters who enjoys being contrary. She likes telling the majority they are "batshit" and I see she did the same here. But she'll be along to tell us she had a doctorate in a moment which makes her opinion more valid even when she talks crap.

I suspect her whole argument about family dynamics may have something to do with her Irish upbringing. Probably typical Catholic which would make sense. You know, all that guilt stuff.

Original poster
rosesandflowers1 · 10/07/2018 08:57

Any fight can be characterised as abusive.

No, it can't.

I've had plenty of fights with my own daughters and my son. I fight with my friends. I fight with DH.

None of those fights have been abusive. They've been nasty, perhaps. Abusive never.

OP posts:
StatisticallyChallenged · 10/07/2018 08:58

Disagreeing with your daughter and having a few cross words about it is one thing. Continuing to try to force her to agree with you and then when that doesn't work starting on her child is another thing entirely!

The kid already had a phobia, and then something bad happened when she was away. Phobias aren't rational, but they need to be dealt with appropriately - telling her to suck it up is not appropriate. It's bullying. Especially in a child recently diagnosed with epilepsy (which is therefore probably not properly stabilised yet) where stress is a very common trigger. Forcing her to go abroad could well make her phobia insurmountable as she will be so distressed she'll probably have fits.

Of course granny phoning her and having a go at her isn't exactly a low stress activity either...

Going LC is an entirely proportionate response to a woman who is behaving like an entitled arsehole who values her need for a foreign holiday over her grandchild's physical and mental health

Original poster
rosesandflowers1 · 10/07/2018 09:00

I don't know about being Irish or Catholic or what that would have to do with it, but I do know that it's very strange Confused My mother's text messages weren't nice, but not abusive perhaps - but surely calling up DD, pretending DH abuses me, some of the stuff from my childhood makes it clear that it isn't a normal relationship?

I might have overreacted refusing to let her change the holiday destination (though the majority say I'm not.) But her behaviour afterwards was inexcusable.

OP posts:
Original poster
rosesandflowers1 · 10/07/2018 09:02

It does sound something like my aunt would say, DingDongDenny ... but I'm not sure if she has Mumsnet!

OP posts: