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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is my mother??

237 replies

rosesandflowers1 · 08/07/2018 19:27

Summer holidays we had a family holiday planned (DH, DD1, DS, DD2 and I, along with my parents) to go to a caravan park or Center Parcs or something. They left planning very late but that's not the point... now they want to go abroad, France or Spain my mother is saying.

DD1 is terrified of flying, she hated planes anyway and always insisted something bad was going to happen on holidays... it was just anxiety and she always loved it once we got there, but at the time she needs lots of reassurance and on the two holidays that my parents have been there they've been dickheads very misunderstanding about it on the plane.

Last year DD had a seizure abroad and got diagnosed with epilepsy; essentially, the bad thing happened. Now she's flat out refusing to go abroad and I don't blame her. I don't really think booking an overseas holiday in so little advance makes sense either.

My parents seem to think it's about cost Hmm It's not. My mother says she'll pay, we don't need her to, and then she got cross and said I was too proud. I reaffirmed this was about DD and that DH or I would have to stay home with her so it wouldn't really be a family holiday.

She said it was our fault for "giving in" to her fear. Now she went whining to my aunt about my selfishness and that DH puts me up to it, apparently Hmm

I'm pretty sure I'm not BU about the last part; but should have I just caved and booked an abroad holiday and forced DD to go? It's been a hugely chaotic couple of months - year, really - for DD especially, and she's just getting better. I don't think it would be fair to do that, but my mother as always has put doubt into my head.

Help?

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 08/07/2018 20:08

Just tell your mum you don't want to go.
The UK is going to be hot this year so why fly.

jellyshoeswithdiamonds · 08/07/2018 20:09

YANBU, how very unreasonable of her not to see why you'd rather not put your dd through that and very catty clecking to your aunt.

If you did decide to go tho you could look at prices for the tunnel, can use tesco vouchers to pay.

Original poster
rosesandflowers1 · 08/07/2018 20:11

Do you always go away with them?

Not always but every few years.

can use tesco vouchers to pay.

Oh, can you? I might see how much I have.

OP posts:
keyboardkate · 08/07/2018 20:13

Do what is best for your own family. Do not cave in.

Why do your parents need you to go on holiday with them anyway, sounds a tad controlling and needy to me.

It is for this very reason that we NEVER took holidays with anyone outside our own micro family. Worked well!

Stick to your guns.

glitterfarts · 08/07/2018 20:22

You can book ferries the same day as travel.

Why would you want to go away with your DM? She sounds horrible. Just go with your DH and kids and have a nice relaxing time.

Sounds like your Mum makes it awful for everyone. Have a read about narcissistic mothers and FOG - fear, obligation and guilt and see if it rings a bell.

Original poster
rosesandflowers1 · 08/07/2018 20:24

Why would you want to go away with your DM? She sounds horrible.

I don't know. I guess it's her very misguided way of looking out for me ... if I do it her way, I won't have any problems, or so she thinks.

I do love her but when it comes to my DC a line has to be drawn.

I'll give your suggestions a read.

OP posts:
voddiekeepsmesane · 08/07/2018 20:26

FFS grow a pair. Actually maybe I am being unfair there but I just don't get this kind of allowance towards really shitty parental behaviour. You are an adult and if you keep behaving and allowing them to treat you like a child then nothing will change

Leeds2 · 08/07/2018 20:29

I would support your DD (whilst getting her some help for her fear of flying), and let your parents do as they wish. Not sure I would be able to forget DM's attitude though!
If you were looking at Centre Parcs in the UK, what about Centre Parcs in France? CP is cheaper in Europe than the UK, and some of the French ones are easily accessible by ferry, and driving.

Original poster
rosesandflowers1 · 08/07/2018 20:43

I just don't get this kind of allowance towards really shitty parental behaviour. You are an adult and if you keep behaving and allowing them to treat you like a child then nothing will change

Maybe there is some truth in this... to be fair she has opposed essentially everything big I've done and I've done it anyway - but perhaps I should stop compromising on the smaller things and that will make her rethink her behaviour.

Perhaps I'll just send her a text that she can come with us to Center Parcs or go to Spain alone.

OP posts:
Bluelady · 08/07/2018 20:56

Your mother's a loon. Your text sounds like the perfect solution.

Original poster
rosesandflowers1 · 08/07/2018 20:58

I'm going to send the text.

Expecting another irate phone call from my aunt tomorrow.

OP posts:
MortyVicar · 08/07/2018 21:02

If you look at ferries and try to find a way to make it work, you're still letting your mother dictate what you do.

Introduce your DD to flying when you and she think it's the right time, don't force it this year just to placate your DM. Go to Centre Parcs and have a lovely time.

But you need to stand up to her on other things too. It sounds like your DH has pretty much had enough of you dancing to her tune. You don't want him posting on MN in 12 months and him being told he doesn't have a MiL problem, he has a DW problem.

Original poster
rosesandflowers1 · 08/07/2018 21:51

It sounds like your DH has pretty much had enough of you dancing to her tune. You don't want him posting on MN in 12 months and him being told he doesn't have a MiL problem, he has a DW problem.

My mother hated DH right off the bat so they were never going to get along. Generally he doesn't blame me but I don't want it to turn into that.

He just loftily ignores a lot of she says, but she always manages to rile me right up... I think he gets more annoyed that she has such an effect on me more than anything.

But I agree that I need to start prioritising my direct family over my mother. I sent the text, she hasn't replied. I daresay she's shouting at her sister through the phone.

OP posts:
Lalliella · 08/07/2018 22:08

Try Centerparcs in Belgium, you can get their via eurotunnel and use your Tesco vouchers, it’s abroad 😊 and its much cheaper than the UK in school holidays.

But don’t let your mother boss you around with what you should do for holidays, especially with the issues with your poor DD.

butlerswharf · 08/07/2018 22:14

Let her go on her holiday abroad and you go on a more relaxing uk holiday.

FadedRed · 08/07/2018 22:22

What previous posters have said. You do what is best for your family.
You have all, especially your DD, have had to get used to a massive life event that will have a lot of impact on her future life. Enough of your mother's nonsense.
Tell Aunty Busybody to butt out too, tell her when you want her opinion or advice, you'll ask her for it.

JamPasty · 08/07/2018 22:23

Not for now (when you should have a lovely holiday without your mum!), but in the future, could you look into taking DD somewhere in this country that you can fly home from? Eg, if you lived in London you could get the train to Edinburgh, then fly home. That way there's nothing scary at the end of the flight (ie being stuck abroad with flying the only way to get home), and if your DD really hates the idea when you're there, you have the option of just getting the train home.

SeaToSki · 09/07/2018 01:43

Sorry I had to post and run earlier. I have experience in DC with anxiety.

You have to meet the DC where they are. You cant just talk them through it, or make them tough it out etc etc. That is not how it works. With anxiety they are having a physical and psychological reaction to the thing that triggers them. Nothing short of an equal and opposite fear will blast them through it, and that is absolutely not helpful.

Having said that, you do have to fight the anxiety, so when it is not at a fight/flight or freeze peak, you should talk about what they can do to take ONE step towards the thing that is their trigger. Then encourage and support them to do that and celebrate them and help them process how hard it was when they accomplish it (was probably easier than they imagined). Then work on the next step.

Google exposure therapy for anxiety. It is effective and long lasting, but takes a while and a lot of patience (and reading up if you dont have professional help)

shakingmyhead1 · 09/07/2018 06:39

i think your mother is a total bitch... her grandchild had a seizure and is now diagnosed as having epilepsy, less than a year ago? and she wants you to force her on a plane and not "pander" to her fear/phobia? seriously??? less than a year ago she is diagnosed with a serious and at times life threatening illness ( people do die from this) and she wants you to force her into a situation that will send her stress levels sky high and very likely send her into a seizure? thats what she wants you to do?
I would be rethinking anything your mother suggests or thinks to be honest... this isnt a thing to play about with, it can takes years and years to get the proper drug cocktail worked out to suit her epilepsy... its actually very serious and from what you have said your mother is treating this as nothing , one of my best friends died from epilepsy , another friend came in the house and found her and started cpr until help arrived, not being able to help her ruined him for many years... another friends MIL cant not be left alone at all as hers dont stop, so the family has to have a "mum" roster to make sure that at all times a day someone is "visiting"
Ignore your mothers bitching and focus on what your daughter needs, this is a lifetime thing and making sure she is ok is the number one priority, i mean its been a year ffs, Tell your mum that while you are getting used to the new medication regime you need to stay close to UK medical help just incase there is an issue or something

Original poster
rosesandflowers1 · 09/07/2018 07:05

Thank you for all your support and replies, especially suggestions as to how to help DD Flowers We do need to work through it with her, although not the way my mother is suggesting.

My mother still hasn't replied but I bet she's seen it, she's always on her phone. As for telling my aunt to butt out, DH basically did yesterday Grin I daresay she'll still phone me up today and I'll have to tell her myself - she's always been my mum's backup so every time my mum's mad at me, so is she. It was bad when I was fifteen, but having my aunt call me up to complain about my behaviour is ridiculous now.

DH and I are going to book a lovely UK family holiday this evening, so I guess if my mother hasn't replied by then I'll just call her up and ask if she's going.

OP posts:
JustJoinedRightNow · 09/07/2018 07:20

Sorry you’re having such a hard time with your Mum and Aunty OP.

You are well within your rights to NOT pick up the phone when your Aunty calls. There is absolutely no way you need to be dealing with that. If you don’t answer, they can’t tell you off!

Owlettele · 09/07/2018 07:23

Book your own hol to center parcs and let them go where they like. That way you and your children will have a nice time without the stress for your DD. Your mums problem if she is upset by it. It may help her be more understanding

Original poster
rosesandflowers1 · 09/07/2018 07:40

If you don’t answer, they can’t tell you off!

I used to do this when I was a teenager Grin

But I think I need to be an adult now ... answer her and tell her it's not her business!

OP posts:
WhiteWalkerWife · 09/07/2018 08:23

Wow your mum is a complete shit really. Tears and manipulations? Trying to force her grandchild to be stressed and ill just so she can have a holiday. Your aunt is a complete flying monkey.

Your dh has been very very tolerant of them. As has your dd. No way would i consider inflicting that on the two people i love most. Do them and yourself a favour and book a holiday alone. And j would consider going lc with you mum and aunt, before they start drummimg up a health scare to squash you back in again.

It is horrible being at odds with family but with hating your dp, being unfair to your dd and being unpleasant to you...is that family?

If someone posted that her dh kept capitulating to his parents, even considering putting her child through stress, they would me told they had a dh problem. Why, just because they like it, would you push a holiday on your dh with someone who hates and acts like a foul person?

WhiteWalkerWife · 09/07/2018 08:24

And yes keep strong with saying no and tell the aunt to get lost.