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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is my mother??

237 replies

rosesandflowers1 · 08/07/2018 19:27

Summer holidays we had a family holiday planned (DH, DD1, DS, DD2 and I, along with my parents) to go to a caravan park or Center Parcs or something. They left planning very late but that's not the point... now they want to go abroad, France or Spain my mother is saying.

DD1 is terrified of flying, she hated planes anyway and always insisted something bad was going to happen on holidays... it was just anxiety and she always loved it once we got there, but at the time she needs lots of reassurance and on the two holidays that my parents have been there they've been dickheads very misunderstanding about it on the plane.

Last year DD had a seizure abroad and got diagnosed with epilepsy; essentially, the bad thing happened. Now she's flat out refusing to go abroad and I don't blame her. I don't really think booking an overseas holiday in so little advance makes sense either.

My parents seem to think it's about cost Hmm It's not. My mother says she'll pay, we don't need her to, and then she got cross and said I was too proud. I reaffirmed this was about DD and that DH or I would have to stay home with her so it wouldn't really be a family holiday.

She said it was our fault for "giving in" to her fear. Now she went whining to my aunt about my selfishness and that DH puts me up to it, apparently Hmm

I'm pretty sure I'm not BU about the last part; but should have I just caved and booked an abroad holiday and forced DD to go? It's been a hugely chaotic couple of months - year, really - for DD especially, and she's just getting better. I don't think it would be fair to do that, but my mother as always has put doubt into my head.

Help?

OP posts:
altiara · 09/07/2018 08:24

You know YANBU! Completely agree with looking after DD’s needs, both by protecting her from stress and with the counselling.
Seriously, am doing a Shock face that your auntie phones to tell you off for not pandering to your mum dictating to you. Get aunt to go on holiday with her. They can have a great time bitching together. Grin

Original poster
rosesandflowers1 · 09/07/2018 08:30

Seriously, am doing a shock face that your auntie phones to tell you off for not pandering to your mum dictating to you. Get aunt to go on holiday with her. They can have a great time bitching together.

Sounds like a good idea!

They're very close, whenever my mum is upset my aunt hears about it and vice versa. So whenever me or my cousins misbehave, we would dread the inevitable phone call from the aunt.

My aunt was always worse than my mother though, I don't think her children even talk to her.

OP posts:
Owlettele · 09/07/2018 08:30

I wouldn't even give her the option of coming on your holiday now OP. you deserve a holiday with your family without worrying about whether she is happy or not!! Honestly you do.

Original poster
rosesandflowers1 · 09/07/2018 08:31

That should be misbehaved.

Though I'm still dreading it a little! Grin

OP posts:
Tweakanddashi · 09/07/2018 09:24

I'm sure you've considered this, but you will need a plan about how to manage your DD's epilepsy at the big pool in Centre Parcs. I'm just thinking that it is a lot more complicated than an ordinary rectangular municipal pool and you or your DH might need to stick right by your DD all the time.

You're probably an expert on this as a parent of a child with epilepsy but you could look at the epilepsy society website for advice about swimming.

Original poster
rosesandflowers1 · 09/07/2018 09:28

DD is okay to swim but she needs someone with her at all times, the slides are all okay for her at Centre Parcs though we do go for more conservative options with lighting on the big rubber ring ones.

There are some activities we'll need to make more enquiries about though.

OP posts:
Otterseatpuffinsdontthey · 09/07/2018 09:34

Placemarking

Tweakanddashi · 09/07/2018 09:35

Ha, I should have known you had it sorted.
That sounds great

Original poster
rosesandflowers1 · 09/07/2018 09:47

That sounds great

Hopefully!

My dad loves the pool so it'll be a bit sad if he doesn't come. But that's the way it goes I suppose.

OP posts:
Otterseatpuffinsdontthey · 09/07/2018 09:48

Was going to suggest Jersey. Absolutely beautiful place. Beautiful beaches. Lots to do - don't know ages of your DC - took my daughter when she was about 5 - had a great time.
You can go by ferry, also to France for day trip.
Enjoy your (parentless) holiday wherever you choose to go Smile

Original poster
rosesandflowers1 · 09/07/2018 10:47

Well, I got the phone call.

Very patronising - "well, you know it's not nice to treat your mummy like that, dear" ... "you know you don't have to do what [DH] wants you to, don't you" ... "and you know that children all play up, don't give into [DD], silly thing will love it when she gets there..."

In the end I cut her short and said she wasn't to speak about DH or DD in that way, and her condescension was very unappreciated, as was her input.

She was fuming and hung up on me.

Ten minutes later a stream of messages from my mother. It's DH's fault of course. He's abusive, he's manipulative, he's trying to cut me off from her, I'm a fool not to see it, it's my fault for being a lazy SAHM and I'm essentially a glorified WAG, if I'd studied something useful and got a job I wouldn't be in this position ... pretty standard from her unfortunately.

My phone is still vibrating on the table FFS, so I'll let her get it out and then text back that she can't come anyway.

Definitely a family holiday this year.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 09/07/2018 10:50

Wow. How poisonous.
Good thing your daughter has you for a mum. You're not lazy. You're supportive. Clearly working with your husband to do what's best for your kids.
Your daughter isn't silly. Not at all. Poor kid.
And as if you don't have the strength to decide what to do. You can only do what mum or DH say. Shock
Enjoy your family holiday.
Tackle the anxiety in your own time. In your own way.

crabb · 09/07/2018 10:53

Wow!
That’s shocking!
You do realise how far past normal her behaviour is, don’t you?

zzzzz · 09/07/2018 10:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Otterseatpuffinsdontthey · 09/07/2018 10:56

Ferry. Jersey.

Lotsofdigestives · 09/07/2018 11:02

Your mum is not a good person, she seeks to control you and minimise your daughter’s condition. Have you considered backing away from her? She has no rights to criticise your choices constantly.

I wouldn’t be speaking to nosy Parker aunty either.

Original poster
rosesandflowers1 · 09/07/2018 11:08

You're supportive. Clearly working with your husband to do what's best for your kids.

Funny, I'm having this exact argument on another thread with a woman being nasty about SAHM.

When I went to study English Lit my mum ranted and raved for ages about how the only way I'd avoid homelessness would be lending myself a rich husband. Well, I did (not because he was rich, obviously) - and she didn't like that either!

And as if you don't have the strength to decide what to do. You can only do what mum or DH say.

Yes - if I'm not listening to my mum, clearly someone is poisoning my mind. When I was younger it was my friends, now it's DH.

OP posts:
JamPasty · 09/07/2018 11:10

Holy CRAP!! That is so far past normal it's unreal. Definitely time to take a big step back from those people. Hugs!

Original poster
rosesandflowers1 · 09/07/2018 11:12

You do realise how far past normal her behaviour is, don’t you?

I know most mum's don't do this but I think it's her very very misguided way of looking out for me, conflated with her own sense of self importance.

The fact that she genuinely does love me is why I think it's hard for me to back away or go NC, Lotsofdigestives , though believe me I've considered doing so many times.

I took you up on your suggestion, zzzzz - sent her a quick text that she should find a better use of her time because I'm uninterested in her raving, she's uninvited if she was planning to come anyway, and I might send her some pictures of our wonderful holiday at Centre Parcs!

Childish maybe, at the last part, but I was very very annoyed.

OP posts:
Westwing1 · 09/07/2018 11:12

Sorry you DD has epilepsy, that would be my first priority. I don't think your DD is being silly, I would give her all the support she needs and to hell with anyone else. Go on holiday with your own family (as in DH and children), keep it simple. My DH and I rarely see our families, just a polite quick once a year catch-up if that. No big arguments or dramas just found it all more stressful than it was worth and gradually pulled back. My mother apparently says it's because my DH doesn't like her. Nothing to do with her making little comments to me over the years such as "you are just a housewife and x's drudge". Not nice, my DH is my best friend and we are so happy together, he has never said a bad word about my mother, it's all my choice. I like being a SAHM at the moment, again my choice, lucky we can afford it. For me distancing my self from my 'old' family has made me much happier, my DH comes from divorced parents and he is happier with less contact. The exceptions being his sister and my sister who are fab.

Original poster
rosesandflowers1 · 09/07/2018 11:24

Definitely time to take a big step back from those people.

I'm thinking maybe so, JamPasty. I'm glad you're happier now, Westwing - and yes, society's attitude to SAHM is still horrendous, isn't it Sad

OP posts:
crabb · 09/07/2018 11:29

Calling you a “lazy SAHM and essentially a glorified WAG” is in no way looking out for you, OP. That’s just plain nasty.

PramCush · 09/07/2018 11:34

I can kind of see your mother's point, tbh. It's a bit odd to just say you're not going abroad again because your daughter got epilepsy there! Being abroad didn't make her epileptic! I think you'll be playing to her fears if you enforce the idea that ABROAD = TERRIBLE THINGS HAPPENING!

PramCush · 09/07/2018 11:35

Also: you can easily go on a ferry, so this is a nob-issue.

MumW · 09/07/2018 11:35

Flying is not right for your family. DD will suffer severe anxiety so none of you will get a rest.

Find a holiday over here and, if you and DH really want to, tell DM that she's welcome to join you.

A holiday is rarely a 'proper' holiday for a mother with young children so adding the anxiety and doom to the mix sounds more like a prison sentence.

Good Luck - hope you get the holiday you need.

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