Or is my mother??

[rosesandflowers1]

Summer holidays we had a family holiday planned (DH, DD1, DS, DD2 and I, along with my parents) to go to a caravan park or Center Parcs or something. They left planning very late but that's not the point... now they want to go abroad, France or Spain my mother is saying.

DD1 is terrified of flying, she hated planes anyway and always insisted something bad was going to happen on holidays... it was just anxiety and she always loved it once we got there, but at the time she needs lots of reassurance and on the two holidays that my parents have been there they've been dickheads very misunderstanding about it on the plane.

Last year DD had a seizure abroad and got diagnosed with epilepsy; essentially, the bad thing happened. Now she's flat out refusing to go abroad and I don't blame her. I don't really think booking an overseas holiday in so little advance makes sense either.

My parents seem to think it's about cost It's not. My mother says she'll pay, we don't need her to, and then she got cross and said I was too proud. I reaffirmed this was about DD and that DH or I would have to stay home with her so it wouldn't really be a family holiday.

She said it was our fault for "giving in" to her fear. Now she went whining to my aunt about my selfishness and that DH puts me up to it, apparently

I'm pretty sure I'm not BU about the last part; but should have I just caved and booked an abroad holiday and forced DD to go? It's been a hugely chaotic couple of months - year, really - for DD especially, and she's just getting better. I don't think it would be fair to do that, but my mother as always has put doubt into my head.

Help?

@rosesandflowers1 I come from a large Irish family background. Pram is Irish and her attitude sounds remarkably like stuff I've heard from my Irish family!

Oh I see, Shatners - I'm very English I'm afraid!

In your (many) previous threads, your DH regularly speaks/argues with you using very similar language, so I guess that’s a) why you put up with it and b) where she’s getting the domestic abuse angle from.

It’s hardly surprising your mother doesn’t take the epilepsy seriously when your own husband hasn’t.

Still, another thread in which you promise drastic and immediate life changes. I’m sure things will be getting better for you soon.

Is she likely to turn up at your house?

Oh God, she might. Maybe with my dad as well. I don't want to deal with them on my own!

She doesn't have a key. Maybe I'll go out with DD and come back quite late? (Like six, seven, I mean, not midnight.)

She is weirdly obsessed with our house, she used to invite herself over quite a lot and then spend ages inspecting it (it's a very big house, nicely decorated etc.) My mother was always very house proud but we didn't really have the financial needs to cover what she might have liked.

Better yet my aunt might drive over here.

In your (many) previous threads, your DH regularly speaks/argues with you using very similar language, so I guess that’s a) why you put up with it and b) where she’s getting the domestic abuse angle from.

My DH has never called me anything similar to 'a glorified WAG', or implied that I'm lazy!

DH and I have had (past tense) our troubles but I certainly didn't tell my mother about any of it.

I don't know where she's getting DV from. I told her about our wedding plans while we were planning and she twisted that information so much I don't really talk about our relationship with her.

Well given that you can’t make up your mind if you work or not, it’s unlikely your DH would be calling you a WAG?

I’m surprised Center Parcs will cut it round the water cooler. He must be growing up, how nice. Another lightning transformation for your life. Things have really changed a lot for you in the few weeks you’ve joined MN.

It’s hardly surprising your mother doesn’t take the epilepsy seriously when your own husband hasn’t.

My mother and DH don't talk, they're not friends, their only connection is me.

DH struggled to cope with the epilepsy, tried to pretend everything was normal and ended up having an argument with DD. That's entirely different to verbally abusing and manipulating your grandchild because you want a sunny holiday.

Still, another thread in which you promise drastic and immediate life changes. I’m sure things will be getting better for you soon.

'Promise' to who?

Well given that you can’t make up your mind if you work or not, it’s unlikely your DH would be calling you a WAG?

I work from home independently and make a small amount of money.

Even if I didn't work at all, yes, it would be extremely unlikely for my DH to call me a WAG. You know, basic respect and love in a marriage and all that.

I’m surprised Center Parcs will cut it round the water cooler. He must be growing up, how nice. Another lightning transformation for your life. Things have really changed a lot for you in the few weeks you’ve joined MN.

As a family we love Centre Parcs. Always have done. Great holiday for the DC.

I know my DH hasn't exactly come across in the best light in previous threads, but I don't think he's really the highlight of this one.

What is your father's involvement in all this? Does he get involved? Are you close?

Er...being Irish is not a bad thing, you haven't "caught me out" here in some way. If fact, culturally Irish people seemto deal with family fights in a much more balanced way that English people, who immediately scream ABUSE and go NC. Not very mature.

What is your father's involvement in all this? Does he get involved? Are you close?

He backs my mother if pushed to get involved but generally doesn't.

He categorises most of what goes on as "ladies talk" I think this came from my teen years when we fought a lot about clothes and appearance etc.

Most of the time he was a really loving dad (and grandad, too) but when he got angry he really got angry. Most of my fights with him were because of my mother, if I'm honest.

We are quite close but less close than we used to be. Obviously I went to uni and got married and everything, and in my teenage years my mother had plenty of tantrums about it which didn't help. I think this led to him just retreating from every fight we've had and retreating from his relationship with me a little too.

However, he's probably already heard my mother's version of events so I doubt an ally can be found there.

OP, an example of how your mother is "abusive" is her rnjoying being in your house and enjoying your decor. I sincerely hope your own daughter is more generous to you when she is an adult. You're on the path to having her go NC with you over some mistake you make, as that is what you have taught her. Be kind to your mum.

If fact, culturally Irish people seemto deal with family fights in a much more balanced way that English people, who immediately scream ABUSE and go NC. Not very mature.

Calling up my stressed teenage daughter was not mature.

Calling me lazy, insulting my career choices and saying my DH abuses me was not mature.

And allowing her to inflict more damage upon my children because "she brought me up" wouldn't just be immature, it would be enabling and selfish.

OP, an example of how your mother is "abusive" is her rnjoying being in your house and enjoying your decor. I sincerely hope your own daughter is more generous to you when she is an adult. You're on the path to having her go NC with you over some mistake you make, as that is what you have taught her. Be kind to your mum.

I didn't say that was abusive although it was incredibly weird

Do you want a comprehensive list of everything she's done that makes LC/NC a sensible option, or can you just reread the thread?

I didn't say that she was being mature. I said that going LC/NC is not being mature. Sort out your relationship or else just put up with each other. From your previous posts, it sounds like she has a lot to put up with from you. Also, you paint a picture of an abusive husband in your previous posts. Your mother can obviously also see this. Isolating you from your family may be part of your husband's goal.

Her suggesting you get a job is her trying to look out for you. Her suggesting that you escape an abusive marriage is her trying to look out for you. Her enjoying your decor isn't really that weird.

I would be mortified and worried if my daughter grew up to be a SAHM. She raised you, of course she has the right to be worried that you don't have a job - how else can you escape your abusive marriage?

I've read a lot of your threads and your husband sounds like a prat. So I don't think you should include "she doesn't like my husband" in the list of reasons you don't want contact with her.

You also can't shouldn't pander to your daughters fear of going abroad. Fair enough about flying- she can get help with that. But her notion that going abroad = bad things happening is silly. You can never travel abroad as a family simply because she was diagnosed with epilepsy.

Your mum is being awful and handling it in the wrong way, but her general point of "you can't pander to your daughter forever" is actually quite fair. Did you ever say to her that this year would be a UK holiday, but you can all book a foreign holiday for next year and do it with a bit more notice so your daughter has time to get ready for It? I don't say that to make you compromise with your mum, I say that because you need to get your daughter past this fear.

*you cant never travel abroad

I would be mortified and worried if my daughter grew up to be a SAHM. She raised you, of course she has the right to be worried that you don't have a job - how else can you escape your abusive marriage?

WTF?

Mumsnet really has a vile questionable attitude to SAHM, don't they?

My marriage is not abusive. She said our relationship was abusive as soon as I told her he had a good job (she asked) - because, and I quote "he wouldn't bother with you, then, unless you were easy to push around." Charming, right?

She can be worried I don't have a job all she wants but it's not her decision, and she definitely doesn't have a tight to insinuate such things about our relationship.

From your previous posts, it sounds like she has a lot to put up with from you.

Like what?!

Did you ever say to her that this year would be a UK holiday, but you can all book a foreign holiday for next year and do it with a bit more notice so your daughter has time to get ready for It? I don't say that to make you compromise with your mum, I say that because you need to get your daughter past this fear.

I never said an abroad holiday next year, but I did say that it wouldn't be possible this year for DD.

I know it's irrational and so does she, but that doesn't make her fear less real! Stress is one of her big triggers so if we're going to do it she'll need lots of support, not my mum being nasty about it.

I think JamPasty had the idea of taking the ferry there and flying back, lots of people suggested alternative means of travel so DD can be happy with abroad first. These ideas are good ones to genuinely help her, my mother doesn't care at all, she just wants a holiday.

OP, you have posted suggesting that your husband is abusive. Now you're saying your mother is wrong when she sees this also. Which is it? Your mother is worried about you not being able to support yourself independently. That's not a questionable or vile attitude. She's worried about you. You should be kind to your mother.

I've read a lot of your threads and your husband sounds like a prat. So I don't think you should include "she doesn't like my husband" in the list of reasons you don't want contact with her.

Just to reaffirm, I've gathered Mumsnet's opinion on my DH, but this thread isn't about him.

Regardless, she doesn't dislike my DH for reasons I can kind of see. She just dislikes him! Has always done, everything he does is wrong or abusive or inconsiderate/rude. DH found it funny at first bit I think he is getting pissed off now, considering recent behaviour from both her and him.

So, while members of Mumsnet might have semi-plausible reasons to think he's a twat, my mum doesn't. She hates him for the sake of it and because he's a convenient person to blame whenever I do something she doesn't like.

OP, but your mum has eyes! She can see how your husband treats you!

OP, you have posted suggesting that your husband is abusive. Now you're saying your mother is wrong when she sees this also.

I've never said my DH was abusive in any of my threads.

A twat, certainly. He's been manipulative or controlling on occasions (still doesn't hold a candle to DM though.)

But more importantly, my mother doesn't "see" anything. She decided he was abusive because that was the only plausible explanation for him marrying me. Since then she's twisted every aspect of our relationship she knows about to try and fit this narrative, I assume so he can be blamed for all our troubles. So I don't tell her anything, especially behaviour he's exhibited that's genuinely off.

Why do you think my husband is abusive but my mother isn't?

Your mother is worried about you not being able to support yourself independently. That's not a questionable or vile attitude. She's worried about you. You should be kind to your mother.

Your attitude was questionable and vile. "Mortified if my daughter was a SAHM" - FFS.

If my mother was worried, perhaps she should have said to make sure I was financially secure in the case of anything happening. Instead of a torrent of hateful spiteful remarks.