Or is my mother??

[rosesandflowers1]

Summer holidays we had a family holiday planned (DH, DD1, DS, DD2 and I, along with my parents) to go to a caravan park or Center Parcs or something. They left planning very late but that's not the point... now they want to go abroad, France or Spain my mother is saying.

DD1 is terrified of flying, she hated planes anyway and always insisted something bad was going to happen on holidays... it was just anxiety and she always loved it once we got there, but at the time she needs lots of reassurance and on the two holidays that my parents have been there they've been dickheads very misunderstanding about it on the plane.

Last year DD had a seizure abroad and got diagnosed with epilepsy; essentially, the bad thing happened. Now she's flat out refusing to go abroad and I don't blame her. I don't really think booking an overseas holiday in so little advance makes sense either.

My parents seem to think it's about cost It's not. My mother says she'll pay, we don't need her to, and then she got cross and said I was too proud. I reaffirmed this was about DD and that DH or I would have to stay home with her so it wouldn't really be a family holiday.

She said it was our fault for "giving in" to her fear. Now she went whining to my aunt about my selfishness and that DH puts me up to it, apparently

I'm pretty sure I'm not BU about the last part; but should have I just caved and booked an abroad holiday and forced DD to go? It's been a hugely chaotic couple of months - year, really - for DD especially, and she's just getting better. I don't think it would be fair to do that, but my mother as always has put doubt into my head.

Help?

If my mum ever said those words to me, I would hang up and NEVER speak to her again. Nobody should speak to you like that - I don't understand how you accept it!

Now I feel sorry for your DH and DD, prioritise your little family unit and stop letting your horrible mother dictate what you do and how you feel.

Just realised that I missed half the thread updates.

Enjoy your non-extended family holiday.

“he thinks I compromise with my mother's control freak tendencies too much.”

It seems to me that anyone who allows her to behave like this isn’t just compromising, but enabling her to behave like this.

“I just don't get this kind of allowance towards really shitty parental behaviour. You are an adult and if you keep behaving and allowing them to treat you like a child then nothing will change”

This ^^
You need to remind your mother that you are a grown up and have your own family now, and that they come first.

I know most mum's don't do this but I think it's her very very misguided way of looking out for me, conflated with her own sense of self importance.

This sounds very much like you are making excuses for her and trying to convince yourself that she IS normal really.

Normal mothers support their children and don't belittle them all the time and certainly don't go running to their sister with a tantrum every time they don't get their own way.

I'm sure she does love you in her own way but she has a funny way of showing it. I'd keep her at arms length.

Your mum sounds like she has some naraccistic tendencies.

The is worth a read:

www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201802/daughters-narcissistic-mothers

Does any of that ring true? She definitely lacks boundaries, she shames you, is toxic and tries to control.

You need to find ways to deal with her.

You’re an adult. Don’t let her bully you.

"well, you know it's not nice to treat your mummy like that, dear"

Your mum seems very controlling. You are an adult and she refers to herself as mummy

She sounds a narcissistic or might even have borderline personality disorder. Check this website out outofthefog.website
It has a toolbox section with how to deal with different personality disorders.

To be fair if you are the poster who has previously posted regarding the explicit sexual information that your husband likes to share about you with his work colleagues, then I think your mother has a valid point about him being a manipulative, controlling dickhead.

Sorry I haven't been replying. My mother called up DD. DD has just started counselling FFS, she needs support not this.

I am absolutely fuming. DD was out with her friend, I went to pick her up. She didn't say much of what my mother said but is very upset. I've blocked her number from DD's phone.

I haven't messaged her or anything, I'm so angry I'm shaking.

To be fair if you are the poster who has previously posted regarding the explicit sexual information that your husband likes to share about you with his work colleagues, then I think your mother has a valid point about him being a manipulative, controlling dickhead.

He was being a twat at the time but hasn't done anything similar since, and honestly it pales in comparison to my mother. That's done and dusted.

She would have disliked him no matter what he was like. I'm going to read up on narcissism.

After this I think NC or very limited. I know DH will be fuming.

That's beyond unacceptable of your mother. Please reassure your DD that both anxiety and fear of flying are really really common and that anyone who isn't sympathetic to that is an unutterable bastard (maybe put the latter into appropriate language... or not)

That is unbelievable of your mother! Please cut all contact between her and your children until she’s a) apologised profusely, b) promised to leave all parenting decisions to you and your husband and to fully respect all decisions you make and, c) has promised never to undermine you and never to say anything negative to your children ever again.

IMO she has probably just irrevocably damaged her relationship with your daughter for life. My DGM did something similar to my dsis when she was a teenager. She was absolutely devastated and needless to say the entire family took my dsis’ side.

IMO she has probably just irrevocably damaged her relationship with your daughter for life. My DGM did something similar to my dsis when she was a teenager.

Honestly I don't really want DD near her again. She's gone through so much recently, not just the epilepsy but her childhood bully resurfaced just a short time ago, she's just done her GCSES - she is not in the right mindset to be dealing with my mother's mind games.

She's watching Clueless (it's a go-to movie for both of us when we're sad!) with her friend. Later this evening I think I want to know exactly what my mother said.

I read the article, NorthernSpirit.

I can't believe how true some of it is.

These especially stuck out to me:

Through direction and criticism, they try to shape their daughter into a version of themselves or their idealized self.

My mum was always telling me to do better than she did - at school, but mostly in appearance. She hated her hair so was obsessed with mine. She told me to encouraged me to get breast enhancement surgery, I know she had a lot of insecurity about her own breasts, she would always compare them to mine and other women's around her. She was very worried about me getting fat all through childhood and made me do sports to make sure I wouldn't.

The world revolves around them. They control and manipulate their children’s needs, feelings, and choices when they can, and take it as a personal affront deserving of punishment when they can’t. Parenting is often, “My way or the highway.”
Couldn't describe her better!

They want her to dress and behave just as they do, and to choose boyfriends, hobbies, and work that they would choose. “For her own good,” they might forbid or criticize whatever their daughter likes or wants, undermine her ability to think for herself, to know what she wants, to choose for herself, and to pursue it. Their attention on their daughter is accompanied by their envy and expectations of gratitude, and compliance.

Oh God.

"You won't be taken seriously in a skirt" was a vast part of my childhood.

She yelled at me for taking English Lit, she yelled at me for choosing my career, she yelled at me for dating and marrying DH. As a child she questioned my choices and interests so often I still kind of revert to a wet blanket sometimes.

It is sad because I think she does love me in her own way but her twisted personality prevents it from manifesting in any way that's healthy

Not to tell her she’s ruining everything by not flying away in holiday???

I imagine something similar

I'll ask DD later in the day. For now she seems to be feeling better so I'll let her and her friend chill a bit.

I can't believe she would be so horrible.

I think an angry face well embodies my feelings!

When I've got the facts from DD I think I'll phone my mother. Or maybe even meet up with her one last time

"When I've got the facts from DD I think I'll phone my mother. Or maybe even meet up with her one last time"

I'm not sure that will achieve anything, and it might make things worse.

A stoney silence - blocking her on all methods of communication might be better.

You need to make it very clear that dd and her epilepsy and how she is dealing with it is NOT the cause of the rift. That it’s your mums behaviour and nothing either of you can control, but that you CAN choose how you react to it.

Do you mean with my mum, or DD? Either way I definitely agree!

Thanks for this - I've never really done anything like going NC before. I daresay the wisdom of Mumsnet will come in handy.

I'm not sure that will achieve anything, and it might make things worse.

Maybe it's more for me than anything, but I want to stand up to her properly.

Though a text message might be a safer bet!

Good for standing up to her for your dh and dd. I would block your aunt too given the circumstance. Dont let her call your dd.

They sound poisonous and i doubt she will stop until you bow down to her again. I think you need to decide how far you are willing to go. NC? LC?

Definitely NC or LC after this. For my DC's sake of anything else.

Will have a discussion with DH and DD when he gets home.

Good luck Roses, i can imagine he will be fuming too and neither of you even know what she said to dd yet.

Good luck Roses, i can imagine he will be fuming too and neither of you even know what she said to dd yet.

Like I said, no love lost between them ... I think he'd be fuming at the messages she sent me, let alone her calling up DD.