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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think this is an awful way to treat your recently widowed mother

535 replies

user1485342611 · 08/07/2018 16:07

My friend's father died a couple of months ago and her mother is understandably heartbroken. They had been married for over fifty years.

My friend lives a two hour journey from her mum and works full time but travels down as much as she can. She lives in a one room flat and has had her mum up to stay a couple of times but it's not ideal. She went to stay with her mum for a week in May and plans to do the same in Sept when she's due more holidays.

Her brother lives closer and is married with 3 kids. He and his wife are teachers and will be finishing work for the Summer in a couple of weeks. Their plan is to spend their entire holiday in a holiday house in Cornwall that they inherited cum bought out another relative's share a few years ago. My friend asked him if they would have their mother along for at least a couple of weeks of the holiday as it will get very lonely for her on her own, and my friend will only be able to get down at weekends. Her brother has said no, he and his wife are knackered after a school year and he's also had to cope with losing his dad so they really need these few weeks away 'as a family'.

My friend is really upset and I think her brother is being horrible.

AIBU.

I have changed a few details to ensure no one is outed, but this is the general gist of what is happening.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 14/07/2018 21:14

Someone did say moving on as in seeing people if she needs company, she sees her friends so that’s something. We all have to function on don’t we?

Precisely, QuackPorridgeBacon.
I agree with your entire post.

Presumably her friends will call in to see her, phone her, invite her around to have a cuppa, maybe go out to see something interesting. It is summer. The weather is nice. Many of her friends may also be widows and they know the ropes.
That is what people do.
At least that is what they do where I grew up and where I live now.

I have a feeling RainySeptember was referring to me with her 'reading between the lines'. She seems to have been taken aback by strenuous disagreement and evidence of more insight into family dynamics, depression, anxiety, etc. than she possesses.

Having read the available information and opinions however I am still of the opinion that the simplest interpretation is the right one : he had a long holiday planned before his dad died and doesn't want to compromise on it. RainySeptember
There have been several exhausting months of nursing a sick husband on the part of the DM, and maybe the brother who lives closer and apparently has a loving relationship with his mother (according to the OP) and had a loving relationship with his late father (he is grieving, according to the OP) has been shouldering part of that burden. To believe he spent that time of his father's last illness planning a long family holiday seems to me to be a bit of a leap that is not warranted by anything that has been posted.

In actual fact, if you were paying attention to the details the OP posted, RainySeptember, it was the sister who had a holiday abroad planned (for May) despite the fact that her dad was gravely ill to the point where her mother was worn out nursing him. This is the holiday she cancelled - it would have been right around the time of the death if my maths is right so she doesn't get any medals for that.

We hear nothing from the friend of the sister's part in nursing the father or supporting the mother during his illness. The sister may have been able to contribute during this time, but given her lack of time off from work and the distance away it is unlikely that she would have been able to do much in practical terms whereas someone living closer and with teachers' hours some days (I appreciate that many teachers put in long hours after school is over) the brother - and his wife - may have been able to do more than she did.

The response to the sister's request was no, he and his wife are knackered after a school year and he's also had to cope with losing his dad so they really need these few weeks away 'as a family'.
Note 1 - it's 'he and his wife'.
The wife is completely written out of the OP's report from her friend apart from this one mention, but I would bet the farm that the wife has feelings on the issue of the family regrouping after the months of illness when presumably the brother, her husband, had a good deal of his time taken up with his mother and father. Their children are 9, 11, and 13, so full on with homework, activities, friends, feeding and general upkeep, and then there is the self absorption of early teens and preteens to deal with.
Note 2 - he is feeling the strain.

No doubt the students will not have taken long to return to their normal behaviour soon after he returned from the funeral (assuming they cut him any slack at all at the time). Teaching is stressful, and the end of term is even moreso.

Add to that the long illness and death of a parent and I think only the most obtuse (and in the case of the OP the most willing to swallow a hostile narrative whole) would still insist that the brother and his wife are out of order here.

BoneyBackJefferson · 14/07/2018 21:23

RainySeptember

No, my dad is bigger than your dad.

Good to know.

RainySeptember · 14/07/2018 21:26

Precis math, precis.

RainySeptember · 14/07/2018 21:29

Evidence of more insight...than she possesses
I do worry about how you see yourself sometimes. Is there ever a thread where you don't profess a unique insight?

mathanxiety · 14/07/2018 22:27

It's very clear on this thread and others that some have a very narrow experience and little insight into what is posted about - in this case bereavement but also on the Relationships board (where people are advised to divorce off the back of internet hearsay without hearing the other person's side of it lol).

In this case especially, some have not really read what was posted by the OP, just jumped to conclusions, perhaps based on their own experiences or prejudices.

This is how we end up with a poster castigating the brother for allegedly planning a long holiday that he won't now give up while neglecting to see that actually the sister had a holiday abroad planned despite knowing her father was seriously ill and needed constant nursing.

SpandexTutu · 14/07/2018 23:01

Math - agree with everything you are saying.

BoneyBackJefferson · 14/07/2018 23:05

mathanxiety

Although I am sure that I will get jumped on for it, it is likely that the DBs help has been throughout the DFs sickness and also through the bereavement, where as the OP's friend seems to only have become involved after the death.

mathanxiety · 15/07/2018 00:57

Yes indeed, BoneyBack, that is the impression I got from the complete lack of any reference to help from the sister during the illness, and it is why I suspect guilt is nibbling at the sister, causing her to minimise the contribution of the brother now that the father has died (even to the point of noting that the grass does not look cut when she visits, a silly observation that smacks of scraping the bottom of the barrel given that the siblings alternate weekends and that grass grows during the growing season).

mathanxiety · 15/07/2018 01:00
  • and also the complete lack of any reference to any help from the brother during the illness.

If the brother had not helped out at that time, would the sister have felt so comfortable planning a holiday abroad? Would the sister not have thrown that at the brother as yet more evidence of his fecklessness?

Is it possible, given her holiday plans, that the sister did not believe the father was so ill, offered less than optimal support to the mother, and now feels remorse?

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 15/07/2018 02:00

OP - for a friend of the sister - you are too invested and over involved in her family. You have no real idea of the true family dynamics. I think it's more likely you are the sister.

It is up to the brother and his wife to offer to change their holiday plans. They don't want to. Siblings trying to force other siblings to do want they want is unpleasant. Is the sister an older sister?

Did they buy out the sister's share in the holiday home? Is that why the sister assumed she could dictate a change in holiday plans?

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