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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is an awful way to treat your recently widowed mother

535 replies

user1485342611 · 08/07/2018 16:07

My friend's father died a couple of months ago and her mother is understandably heartbroken. They had been married for over fifty years.

My friend lives a two hour journey from her mum and works full time but travels down as much as she can. She lives in a one room flat and has had her mum up to stay a couple of times but it's not ideal. She went to stay with her mum for a week in May and plans to do the same in Sept when she's due more holidays.

Her brother lives closer and is married with 3 kids. He and his wife are teachers and will be finishing work for the Summer in a couple of weeks. Their plan is to spend their entire holiday in a holiday house in Cornwall that they inherited cum bought out another relative's share a few years ago. My friend asked him if they would have their mother along for at least a couple of weeks of the holiday as it will get very lonely for her on her own, and my friend will only be able to get down at weekends. Her brother has said no, he and his wife are knackered after a school year and he's also had to cope with losing his dad so they really need these few weeks away 'as a family'.

My friend is really upset and I think her brother is being horrible.

AIBU.

I have changed a few details to ensure no one is outed, but this is the general gist of what is happening.

OP posts:
HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 08/07/2018 16:37

I’m sure when the time comes the brother’s children will not be there for him when he needs them.

We model the behaviour and the kind of family we want to be.

Some people want to be tiny nuclear units, and they’ll suffer for it in their turn.

RubyWho · 08/07/2018 16:39

My MIL recently passed away, and although my DP and I are supporting my FIL (and DP’s
Siblings who were still living at home), it has been fairly relentless, leaving no time for us to grieve or spend time supporting each other as partners. When I say relentless, I’m referring to weeks off of work, driving all over the place at all hours and accommodating extended family members using our home as a “base” when they’re here for a few days.
Damn straight we need time on our own. I don’t think your friend’s brother is BU in the slightest actually.

HeGotManFlu · 08/07/2018 16:39

He may have a good reason for not wanting her there she may not want to go on holiday with him anyway. Would you and your friend feel happy totake her away for a nice long weekend somewhere, it can be very difficult for one person to feel responsible and maybe your friend would appreciate your support.

Atlastatlastatlast · 08/07/2018 16:40

This reminds me if some of those awful Christmas threads where elderly parents are regarded as a nuisance interfering with the 'family' Christmas if they want to spend some time with their children and grandchildren.

When my father died I understood that no matter how hard it was for me it wax far harder for my mother.

RedSkyLastNight · 08/07/2018 16:40

This really depends on how close the brother is to his mum. I love my mum dearly but being round her is incredibly stressful and exhausting and there is no way on earth I'd take her on holiday with me for 2 weeks (or more than 2 days, frankly) as the effect on my mental health would just be too great.

Aspergallus · 08/07/2018 16:41

No one knows what goes on within a family. Siblings can have very different experiences of their parents, and very different relationships.

It must be lovely to have had parental relationships that leave you unable to understand why someone might put themselves and their own new family first, but you must realise that what is right for you/your friend isn’t right for everyone.

So basically, keep your nose out. Not your circus.

headinhands · 08/07/2018 16:42

You don't know what the relationship is like between the brother and the mother. Or what it was like between the brother and the father.

AStatelyPleasureDome · 08/07/2018 16:44

On all of these types of threads, there is mention of the 'family' or 'your own little family', which appears to mean the nuclear family, from which parents etc are excluded. I find it sad and, Karma being a bitch, can't help wondering if the children of the 'own little family' will follow by example in due course.

TheSmallClangerWhistlesAgain · 08/07/2018 16:45

The brother and/or his family may have a bloody good reason not to want his mother with them for weeks on end. The kids in particular may have been having a tough time for one reason or another, and their parents might want to allow them at least a holiday without bereavement overshadowing everything at all times.

My own brother has a winter birthday which has sadly roughly coincided with several elderly relatives dying over the years. My mum isn't always brilliant with situations, but she always made sure he had something special to look forward to amid funeral preparations and house clearing.

DioneTheDiabolist · 08/07/2018 16:45

While I think your loyalty and concern for your friend lovely OP, YAB a bit U here. Her brother lives closer to their mum and is probably doing lots of stuff that you won't know about. And it is quite possible that his wife and children need a break from the bereavement IYSWIM.

Loopytiles · 08/07/2018 16:46

You don’t know the family dynamics; nor what’s going on in the brother’s life.

Your friend doesn’t “have to” visit her mother every weekend. She has the option to take care of herself and visit less frequently.

FatSally · 08/07/2018 16:47

I went nc with my mum a month after my dad died. My sister loves to tell people about what a heartless cunt I am and list all of my terrible deeds (also nc with her).

I had very good reasons. Ones which I won't share with anyone because I'm not a fan of washing my dirty laundry in public.

Yabu to judge. You have no idea of their family dynamics and IME the tunnel visioned 'oh they should be pulling together to look after their poor old mum' line is only spouted by those who haven't the first idea what having a horrifically dysfunctional family is like.

FatBarry · 08/07/2018 16:48

I think it’s shit and he is being selfish to not have her for a week at the least. Why does elderly parental care predominantly fall on the female children?

I bet he won’t be too exhausted to collect his inheritance when the time comes.

juneau · 08/07/2018 16:51

It does sound like the DB is being a selfish arse. If he and his family were only going away for one or two weeks I would feel differently, but six weeks? He could surely have his DM to stay for one of those weeks without it putting them all out too much. It's bloody typical that the DD is being lumbered with travelling up and down for six weeks while the DS does nothing. He's grieving yes, but so is she, so why should he get six weeks to himself without helping out? Unless there is more to this story then he's being a twat.

CharltonLido73 · 08/07/2018 16:52

The brother does come across as very self-centred and unempathetic. It wouldn't hurt him to invite his mother for a week or two to the holiday house where she could enjoy being with her grandchildren. It would be a distraction for her. She's potentially got years and years to "get used to being on her own" - as someone pointed out above. Sharing time with her son and his family would help her through these early weeks.

When my father died in early July some years ago, I had no hesitation about spending a large part of the six-week summer holiday with my mother to help her cope in the early days after his death (I am a teacher). This was a huge comfort to her in such a dreadful period of life.

SoddingUnicorns · 08/07/2018 16:52

I think it’s shit and he is being selfish to not have her for a week at the least. Why does elderly parental care predominantly fall on the female children?

Did you read the thread? It’s the female doing the bloody least here!

OP your friend is being unfair, she sounds like she doesn’t want the responsibility and is hacked off that her brother (for once from the sound of it) isnt picking up the slack for her.

NewYearNewMe18 · 08/07/2018 16:53

Teachers, somewhere between 6 and 9 weeks holiday (depending on sector) , really a bit off to not have mum down for a week. Cuntishly selfish actually.

But what does Mum think about the situation?

Maidsrus · 08/07/2018 16:55

Gosh I am shocked at the selfish attitudes on here. He’s having 6 weeks away and can’t even have mother for 2 weeks. 1 week would surely be doable .

Often when it comes to caring for parents, one child ends up doing the lion share, compensating for other siblings’ selfishness, and it sounds like this is he case here

Surely you can give a bit back to parents who do so much for you over the years, surely you can put yourself out just a bit

It would be forgivable I suppose if he’s already done his bit caring for the father before he dies, and the daughter didn’t because of the distance?

Maidsrus · 08/07/2018 16:55

Died

NewYearNewMe18 · 08/07/2018 16:56

Did you read the thread? It’s the female doing the bloody least here!

No where does it say that - no where does it say where the brother is doing anything

Singlenotsingle · 08/07/2018 16:57

Why can't the friend book some time off work and take her DM on a little holiday? Just a break for the 2 of them?

HollowTalk · 08/07/2018 16:58

I'd love to know which teaching sector has 9 weeks' holiday.

TemptressofWaikiki · 08/07/2018 16:59

It’s none of your business OP! You are not the one who lost their father. Each person deals with their bereavement differently. You have no right to judge. The brother might need time for himself to deal with his own grief. Teaching can completely deplete a person and he may simply not have the strength to deal with his mother. I was in this position and spent months with my mother following the sudden death of my father. It was my choice but it totally exhausted me and set my own grieving process back quite a bit. My brother did not come at all. He is very different to me and unlike you/or your friend, I don’t feel I have the right to be judgemental.

HollyGibney · 08/07/2018 17:01

6 weeks and he can't take his recently widowed mum for even one of them? Horribly selfish. YANBU OP.

HollyGibney · 08/07/2018 17:02

I'd love to know which teaching sector has 9 weeks' holiday.

Many private schools do.

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