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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is an awful way to treat your recently widowed mother

535 replies

user1485342611 · 08/07/2018 16:07

My friend's father died a couple of months ago and her mother is understandably heartbroken. They had been married for over fifty years.

My friend lives a two hour journey from her mum and works full time but travels down as much as she can. She lives in a one room flat and has had her mum up to stay a couple of times but it's not ideal. She went to stay with her mum for a week in May and plans to do the same in Sept when she's due more holidays.

Her brother lives closer and is married with 3 kids. He and his wife are teachers and will be finishing work for the Summer in a couple of weeks. Their plan is to spend their entire holiday in a holiday house in Cornwall that they inherited cum bought out another relative's share a few years ago. My friend asked him if they would have their mother along for at least a couple of weeks of the holiday as it will get very lonely for her on her own, and my friend will only be able to get down at weekends. Her brother has said no, he and his wife are knackered after a school year and he's also had to cope with losing his dad so they really need these few weeks away 'as a family'.

My friend is really upset and I think her brother is being horrible.

AIBU.

I have changed a few details to ensure no one is outed, but this is the general gist of what is happening.

OP posts:
QuackPorridgeBacon · 12/07/2018 18:33

Why are people saying the bother does nothing? Clearly was posted earlier on she he does just as much if not more than the sister, that she knows of.

Schoolchoicesucks · 12/07/2018 18:35

Does the mother have any other family - siblings for example - that she could be encouraged to visit?

The op's friend does not 'have to take full responsibility for her travelling a 4 hour round trip every weekend'. The mother is an adult. I've not seen it suggested that she's infirm, just (understandably) shaken and distressed from losing her husband.

Yes it might have been nice if her son had been happy for her to join them for a portion of his holiday. But he doesn't want that. And it's not his sister's friend's place to try to guilt him into it.

Could the mother stay locally to her daughter for some of the time? Airbnb/travelodge/housesit for any of her daughter's friends who are away?

Bluelady · 12/07/2018 21:24

So what's this poor woman supposed to do all day while her daughter's at work? She's a hurt, distressed, grieving human being, not a fucking parcel. Small wonder there are so many lonely old people when these horrible attitudes are so prevalent.

Squidgee · 12/07/2018 21:45

I imagine whatever she does every day while her son and his wife are at work. amuse herself.

Bluelady · 12/07/2018 21:48

Amuse herself? Yeah OK.

mathanxiety · 13/07/2018 05:58

Her husband of 50years died eight weeks ago. Eight weeks. You are right, but a fortnight without any adult contact would be hard at this early stage. Take a look at the loneliness thread, or Bereavement, for some insight into that

No neighbours?
No friends?
No church to go to, or shops?
No interest in TV or radio?

She has friends with whom she plays bridge. The OP doesn't say 'used to play bridge with before her H's illness'.

There is no indication that this woman is housebound and completely dependent on her children for the necessities of life.

The DB doesn't have to rearrange his family's summer just to accommodate his sister's anxiety or guilt or whatever it is that is causing her so much angst.

She actually said a couple of things to my friend that made her realise that she was hoping she might be asked, and that has really upset my friend.
And apparently there is some triangular communication going on, and mind-reading expected. (This on top of the remark to the sister that the DM didn't like to ask the DB to come over and fix the TV). This doesn't bespeak a completely healthy family relationship.

Wrt experience of bereavement - my aunt lost her husband after 50 years. Her H died a couple of weeks after a diagnosis of a terminal illness. I have a cousin who was left a widow with two young children. Just because it wasn't 50 years of marriage doesn't make it necessarily easier.

My mum is a widow. My dad died after two years of grave illness, so I do have some insight into what someone goes through, both when illness strikes, when decisions have to be made about care, and afterwards when it is all over, how to pick up your life again and soldier on. Mum and dad were married for 33 years, but actually the death that knocked her off her feet, that she still hasn't recovered from - none of have really - was that of her daughter, my sister.

RainySeptember · 13/07/2018 06:31

"The DB doesn't have to rearrange his family's summer just to accommodate his sister's anxiety or guilt or whatever it is that is causing her so much angst."

I read it that the sister was just worried about her mum.

"There is no indication that this woman is housebound and completely dependent on her children for the necessities of life."

I doubt she's housebound or incapable of ingesting air, food or water. Just sad and heartbroken and maybe in need of extra consideration during these first few months.

" and mind-reading expected"

I don't think anyone expects telepathy. Mum probably didn't want to impose but confided in her daughter that she'd have liked to go. Perhaps the daughter asked her directly. Daughter then asked her brother if that was possible.

Honestly, your post sounds so heartless math. Oh you've been widowed for eight weeks? Aren't there some shops you can visit or a tv you can turn on? Perhaps you can discover god and receive charity from your local church? Perhaps she just needs the people she loves most in all the world, for a little bit.

BoneyBackJefferson · 13/07/2018 06:46

Mum probably didn't want to impose but confided in her daughter that she'd have liked to go. Perhaps the daughter asked her directly. Daughter then asked her brother if that was possible.

No confiding has gone on according to the OP,
The DM has said things that the OP's friend has taken to mean that she wants to go. From the information given the OP's friend has not asked directly if the DM wants to go.

RainySeptember · 13/07/2018 12:41

"She actually said a couple of things to my friend that made her realise that she was hoping she might be asked."

No boney she told her own daughter that she'd like to go. Nothing wrong with that surely?

And let's not forget that OP's friend, with 4-5 weeks of annual leave, has cancelled a foreign holiday and spent two weeks of leave with her Mum already (well one, and one booked).

The DB, with his thirteen weeks of leave and large holiday house, cba inviting her for one.

He's also only had his dm over to his house for a meal once.

So imo, from the available evidence, he's a self centred twat of the 'I deserve to be happy' ilk and will reap what he sows when he himself is in his mother's position - his dc will after all have learnt by his example.

GeorgeIII · 13/07/2018 12:48

Maybe it’s because the DM somehow can’t ask her son directly to invite her or take her to Cornwall that she is where she is. Telling friend and the OP that she wants to go is very unfairly putting the onus on them to speak to DB and sort this out . If she is scared to speak to her son I would say something is wrong with their relationship from way back.

BitOutOfPractice · 13/07/2018 15:40

Yes math. You do sound heartless. She's supposed do be out, pulling herself together and getting on with life less than 2 months after her husband of 50 years died. There'll be plenty of time for that. In the meantime her children should be gathering around her to help and support each other to come to terms with what's happened. Yes neighbours has friends and church can and will play a role. But right now I think it's time for family to pull together.

IrmaFayLear · 13/07/2018 16:18

The Quack poster does have interesting logic, and must then prepare herself for being cast off by her dcs when they reach adulthood.

I wonder if she’ll change her mind...

duckfuckduck · 13/07/2018 16:27

I won’t ask of my DC what my father has asked of me. Because it’s unfair, and selfish. And I am very definitely not selfish.

Bluelady · 13/07/2018 16:41

But your parents weren't your immediate family, Duck, ergo you're not your dcs' so by your logic, they owe you nothing. I hope that doesn't come back to peck you.

duckfuckduck · 13/07/2018 16:57

I know and I don’t expect them to do anything for me. And I’ve told them they’re not to.

chillpizza · 13/07/2018 17:35

I wouldn’t holiday with my parents or in laws every. It just becomes an argumentative waste of time and money as X wants to do this and everyone else wants to do Y but have to do what X wants otherwise hell to pay be that via moody/grumpy/silent treatment or an argument.

The ops friend visits every other weekend, presumably the db is doing everything the mother needs the other 12 days out of 14 if she asks him for anything. If she won’t ask he can’t help anyway so I wouldn’t hold that agasint him.

His going away for 6weeks with his wife and children, again presumably if he was going on a cruise or to Aus for 6 weeks people wouldn’t be insisting on him taking her and hell even driving her back and forth too. This is the thing I hated about having my own holiday home people acting as if I wasn’t on holiday as it’s mine anyway including work.

And yes my immediate family is my dh and dcs. Everyone else is further out.

BoneyBackJefferson · 13/07/2018 17:48

RainySeptember
"She actually said a couple of things to my friend that made her realise that she was hoping she might be asked."

No boney she told her own daughter that she'd like to go. Nothing wrong with that surely?

From your own qoute the DM has said nothing and the OP's friends has inferred that her DM would like to go.

And playing your game of "everything posted must be the truth"

She also asked her brother if there was any chance he could do four weeks in Cornwall and be around the first week and last week of the holidays and she'd get down her two weekends and it wouldn't be so long for the mother without family. But he said 'no'.

she wants him to take the DM on holiday so that she doesn't have to change her routine.

either the DM is so infirm that she needs care 24/7 and the DS is doing the lions share as the DD isn't there 12 out of 14 days.
Or the DM is coping and the DS is popping round, doing various tasks and the DD doesn't need to go around more often.

You think that the DS is a twat.
I think that the DD is being a martyr.

Has she (or anyone) even asked what her DM wants?

RainySeptember · 13/07/2018 18:05

"From your own qoute the DM has said nothing and the OP's friends has inferred that her DM would like to go."

Pedantic.
*
"he wants him to take the DM on holiday so that she doesn't have to change her routine."
*
Yes, because she travels down every other weekend. I don't think I've ever said otherwise have I? She can't manage more than every other weekend so asked if Mum could join him or he could reduce the holiday from 6 to 4 weeks. Why should she increase her visits, necessitating a 4hr round trip, while her dB has six weeks off?

He is a twat. She wasn't a fucking burden when he moved his whole family in with her, or when using her for childcare was she?

RainySeptember · 13/07/2018 18:08

"Or the DM is coping and the DS is popping round, doing various tasks "

Yes I expect that's the case. I expect she's coping and will continue to cope while he is on holiday, it's just sad that she has to.

But not sure what tasks he's doing if her lawns aren't mowed, her tv is still broken and she's been invited to his house for a meal once.

BoneyBackJefferson · 13/07/2018 18:46

RainySeptember

You have repeatedly stated that we should take the posts at face value and now its being pedantic.

She doesn't want a routine change.
She doesn't want anymore responsibility.

She hasn't had to travel down more than every other weekend cos her "twat" of a brother looks after their parent. But then that would mean that he isn't actually a "twat"

Yet he is a twat because she doesn't want to put herself out because up until now she hasn't had to.

The DM has friends that she sees, she plays bridge, what makes you think that she wants to change her routine and be with her ds for more than she is?

RainySeptember · 13/07/2018 19:16

Because she has inferred that she would like to.

RainySeptember · 13/07/2018 19:19

I think he's a twat for not compromising on his holiday. I haven't said he doesn't do anything on the 12 days that his sister isn't there. We don't know what he does. Maybe nothing, maybe a lot. The holiday situation alone makes him a twat imo, at this early stage of the bereavement, when he has 13wks pa off work, when his sister has had to cancel her own holiday.

RainySeptember · 13/07/2018 19:21

Doesn't want to put herself out?

She spends 50% of her weekends with her mum, cancelled a holiday, has taken a week of annual leave with her Mum, has another week off annual leave booked with her Mum in September, is in contact in between visits and has had her Mum to stay in her one bedroom flat.

BoneyBackJefferson · 13/07/2018 19:42

RainySeptember
Because she has inferred that she would like to.

"Inferred" in other words we don't know what the mother wants just what the OP's friend feels and we are back to not taking the posts at face value.

She does 2 days out of 14.

Who does the other days when shes not there. We don't now because its not implicitly stated, but you can infer things that you want because it makes your case?

we don't know what the DB does but its ok to call him a twat.

Either the DM needs a lot of looking after and the DB does it because she isn't there or she doesn't need a lot of of care and the DSis is martyring herself to her friends.

I know which you believe, And I know which I believe. Doesn't mean either of us is wrong.

RainySeptember · 13/07/2018 20:03

I haven't inferred anything. He's going away for six weeks and isn't taking his mum with him for part of it, or cutting it down to four weeks. Ergo, twat.

Let's agree to disagree shall we? It's getting a bit circuitous now.