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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is an awful way to treat your recently widowed mother

535 replies

user1485342611 · 08/07/2018 16:07

My friend's father died a couple of months ago and her mother is understandably heartbroken. They had been married for over fifty years.

My friend lives a two hour journey from her mum and works full time but travels down as much as she can. She lives in a one room flat and has had her mum up to stay a couple of times but it's not ideal. She went to stay with her mum for a week in May and plans to do the same in Sept when she's due more holidays.

Her brother lives closer and is married with 3 kids. He and his wife are teachers and will be finishing work for the Summer in a couple of weeks. Their plan is to spend their entire holiday in a holiday house in Cornwall that they inherited cum bought out another relative's share a few years ago. My friend asked him if they would have their mother along for at least a couple of weeks of the holiday as it will get very lonely for her on her own, and my friend will only be able to get down at weekends. Her brother has said no, he and his wife are knackered after a school year and he's also had to cope with losing his dad so they really need these few weeks away 'as a family'.

My friend is really upset and I think her brother is being horrible.

AIBU.

I have changed a few details to ensure no one is outed, but this is the general gist of what is happening.

OP posts:
User02 · 12/07/2018 00:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

RainySeptember · 12/07/2018 02:49

It can be jarring for an older person to have a lot of continuous contact with teens and preteens

*No mention of what the mother wants
*
I wonder if you have misunderstood. DB is going to Cornwall for six weeks. DM has confided in op that she would like to join them for some of the time. OP asked her DB if their Mum could join him for 1-2 weeks of that.

Four weeks in Cornwall is a whole month

Alternately, she's suggested that he cut his trip from six to four weeks because DSis has no annual leave to take until September; she will carry on visiting on alternate weekends (so two weekends during that four week period that he is away) but feels that DM will be alone for unacceptably long stretches in between those weekend visits.

Establishing your own routine can help you get back on your feet

Her husband of 50years died eight weeks ago. Eight weeks. You are right, but a fortnight without any adult contact would be hard at this early stage. Take a look at the loneliness thread, or Bereavement, for some insight into that

BoneyBackJefferson · 12/07/2018 06:55

RainySeptember

She could start by recognising what the sibling that lives closer does.

You are right, but a fortnight without any adult contact would be hard at this early stage.

According to some on this thread this is what she is basically having to do now.

The selective reading by some is astounding.

Laiste · 12/07/2018 07:23

To be fair the OP hasn't said the mother will have no adult contact. although she probably will now The DM may well have friends and other relatives. The OP is centered about what the brother is or isn't doing in comparison to his sister and, in particular, this 5/6 week holiday with his immediate family only.

Bluelady · 12/07/2018 09:59

So his mother isn't his "immediate" family?

duckfuckduck · 12/07/2018 11:25

To me, My immediate family is my kids.

My wider family includes my dad and my brother but I consider my immediate family to be my kids only.

BatShitBuns · 12/07/2018 11:43

To me, My immediate family is my kids.

presumably by that logic you're then your father's immediate family too.

duckfuckduck · 12/07/2018 11:46

No. I may be his, he is not mine.

ladymariner · 12/07/2018 13:11

How selective, duck!

duckfuckduck · 12/07/2018 13:14

Immediate family to me is people I would die for. I wouldn’t die for my dad - he’s had his life. I’d sacrifice myself for my children in a heartbeat. But not for my dad.

That’s how I differentiate between family and immediate family.

yogaginrepeat · 12/07/2018 13:32

These last few posts GrinConfused

BatShitBuns · 12/07/2018 13:50

Immediate family to me is people I would die for. I wouldn’t die for my dad - he’s had his life. I’d sacrifice myself for my children in a heartbeat. But not for my dad.

One of the most bizarre things I've ever read. This place!

duckfuckduck · 12/07/2018 13:53

Well what else is it? Seriously? Immediate - my kids. Close - my dad, brother and my partner are in that along with kids. Wider family is aunts and uncles and cousins.

BatShitBuns · 12/07/2018 14:21

Immediate - my kids. Close - my dad, brother and my partner are in that along with kids.

I just find it hilarious that you class your kids as your immediate family yet by your logic they aren't allowed to class you as theirs Confused

Nowt so queer as folk.

yogaginrepeat · 12/07/2018 14:23

Funniest definition of anything I've read in a while!

It's actually a fairly clearcut definition that includes parents, siblings, children, spouse and grandparents too I believe. But those I'd fall on my sword for is much more dramatic Grin

BatShitBuns · 12/07/2018 14:28

Personally I would class immediate family as my DH, my DS, my parents, my siblings and my PILs and BIL.

BatShitBuns · 12/07/2018 14:29

My GPs aren't alive but I'd have had them in there too!

RainySeptember · 12/07/2018 16:19

*She could start by recognising what the sibling who lives closer does
*
Well we don't know what he does, maybe nothing, maybe a lot.

We also don't know that the sister doesn't recognise what her DB does.

What we do know is that he's buggering off for six weeks to his holiday house and, despite his recently bereaved mother indicating that she'd like to join him for some of it, despite his sister asking him to consider cutting the holiday down from six to four weeks if he doesnt want his mum to join him, the answer is no, neither option suits him.

AStatelyPleasureDome · 12/07/2018 16:25

I think duckfuckduck is quackers - lol!

duckfuckduck · 12/07/2018 16:52

Oh thanks. MH insults. Nice.

Squidgee · 12/07/2018 16:57

8 weeks isn't much time. By the time I went away, i'd spent 4 months in my moms pockets.

I had 6 weeks to myself and my kids, then I went straight back to looking after mom.

None of you know what the DB has been doing.

I imagine he's doing the every day stuff, while working, while dealing with his grief and his kids grief as well as his moms grief, trying to run his house and his mothers.

Then his sister sweeps in twice a month like fucking Ace Rimmer 'Smoke me a kipper i'll be back for breakfast' and then fucks off again... acting like the martyr whole solves everything and doesn't think what her DB does is worth mentioning.

Of course he's entitled to take his children and wife away, does their grief not matter? He's lost his dad, his kids lost their grandfather! What if they need time?

Bluelady · 12/07/2018 17:05

Losing a parent or a grandparent doesn't even begin to equate to losing your husband of 50 years, not even close.

Duck your logic is absurd.

BatShitBuns · 12/07/2018 17:19

Losing a parent or a grandparent doesn't even begin to equate to losing your husband of 50 years, not even close.

Really don't think you can say that tbh. My DP's GM had been married for 60 years when her H died. She misses him dreadfully of course but she told me that she felt worse when her mother died, when she was 23 years old so well over 60 years ago!

buckingfrolicks · 12/07/2018 18:16

oh my god what have I just read?

this thread is so fucking depressing.

The DB is a selfish fuckwit.

The OP is trying to support her friend - you know, friends? people who you care about and have the back of? She is not 'meddling' or 'over invested' - she's posed a perfectly valid and tough question on MN.

Oh my god - when did people become so selfish and stupid Shock

BoneyBackJefferson · 12/07/2018 18:23

RainySeptember

Well we don't know what he does, maybe nothing, maybe a lot.

I pointed that out upthread when posters started calling him alsorts of names.

We also don't know that the sister doesn't recognise what her DB does.

The closest she has come is that she doesn't want the burden/responsibility of looking after her DM by herself.

I'm going to post this She also asked her brother if there was any chance he could do four weeks in Cornwall and be around the first week and last week of the holidays and she'd get down her two weekends and it wouldn't be so long for the mother without family. But he said 'no'.*

She wants him to take DM because she doesn't want to do anymore than she is already doing. EoW

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