To think this is an awful way to treat your recently widowed mother

[user1485342611]

My friend's father died a couple of months ago and her mother is understandably heartbroken. They had been married for over fifty years.

My friend lives a two hour journey from her mum and works full time but travels down as much as she can. She lives in a one room flat and has had her mum up to stay a couple of times but it's not ideal. She went to stay with her mum for a week in May and plans to do the same in Sept when she's due more holidays.

Her brother lives closer and is married with 3 kids. He and his wife are teachers and will be finishing work for the Summer in a couple of weeks. Their plan is to spend their entire holiday in a holiday house in Cornwall that they inherited cum bought out another relative's share a few years ago. My friend asked him if they would have their mother along for at least a couple of weeks of the holiday as it will get very lonely for her on her own, and my friend will only be able to get down at weekends. Her brother has said no, he and his wife are knackered after a school year and he's also had to cope with losing his dad so they really need these few weeks away 'as a family'.

My friend is really upset and I think her brother is being horrible.

AIBU.

I have changed a few details to ensure no one is outed, but this is the general gist of what is happening.

RainySeptember, I don't think you have much insight into how grief can affect people and cause ructions in a family dynamic.

The Sister here comes across as the person who is determined to look like the Golden Child, the martyr, she who sacrifices all.

The OP faithfully reports all the shit she has been dished up about the brother, including the little detail that the grass doesn't look cut. A little bit of thought and maybe a little experience of lawncare should have caused the OP to get suspicious at that point - if the grass gets cut, let's say, every weekend that the sister is away, then of course it will have a week's growth by the time the sister sees it.

Then we have the details of the sister living in a one room flat, meanwhile the brother and his family were 'between houses ' at one stage and living with the DM, and then the detail about the brother and his wife buying a holiday home, and maybe we get a glimpse here of the green eyed monster? I suspect someone is feeling quite sorry for herself.

And the request that the brother take the DM for a few weeks of holiday or cut short the holiday to be with the mother is presumptuous and based on the sister's own self imposed predicament.

Nobody knows how the brother's wife might feel about any of this and apparently the sister did not ask her or include her in the narrative of what a wrong 'un the brother is. Maybe the wife has family of her own whom she has neglected during the I'll less of the DF, and has plans for the six weeks that involve them? Maybe the brother and his wife shouldered a lot of the work involved in caring for the DM during the DF's illness? The sister lives too far away to have been much practical use at that time, apparently.

What the OP has reported is incredibly one sided, and comes across as a carefully constructed piece of mud slinging.

Grief can also cause depression and can exacerbate anxiety, and some people use anger about the behaviour of others as a means of getting through bereavement. Not consciously - it can all seems perfectly reasonable and warranted, and perfectly coherent narratives involving caring daughter and feckless son can be constructed and spread around.

Depression or anxiety can also lead to a focus on some other person - anxiety about the mother, anger about the brother. It's not necessarily as critical as the sister believes it is that the DM has family for company at this point.

If I were the OP, I would take it upon myself to take a little care of the sister at this time.

I don't think you have much insight into how grief can affect people
That is where you are wrong to the power of ten, more than most, from every possible angle.

One sided yes, like every other post on mn.

Quite a leap to depression, anxiety and sibling jealousy but you feel free to pretzel the facts into something that make it ok to fuck of to your summer house for six weeks just two months after your Mum is widowed. Next year, yes. This year, no. IMO.

Rainy September, there's no point in trying to argue with callous and heartless.

On every thread there is usually a divide on opinions - early on this thread I thought it was those who had good parents and those who didn't.
Now I'm wondering if it is more simple than that - it's those who live close to their parents and those who don't.
I.e. those who live in the theoretical world of being there for their parents, and those who actually are there day in, day out.

Too true bluelady

I was there day in, day out. No brother to help out. I took my parents on holiday as long as they were able to go. Frankly, there's no excuse. None whatsoever.

Disagree with most the posts above. Yes, this is unkind to his own mother and sister. He does have an obligation to help care for his mother grieving or not. She is grieving too obviously. He/they could have her down for one week or 10 days at least. Then again if he’s a selfish arsehole your friend’s mother is probably better off staying away from them alone or not.

Bluelady

there's no point in trying to argue with callous and heartless.

Ah yes the righteous bs.

as someone who also looked after their grieving parent day in day out without help from other siblings, I can at least see the other side and from experience can see when someone is trying to push for virtuous martyr status.

So, we have a daughter who lives 2 hours away and who is on call,every other weekend, but spends her free weekends with her mother as well as at least two weeks leave so far.

And we have a son who has benefitted from his parents generosity who pops in on the weekends where his sister is on call, doesn't cut the lawn, his mother felt she couldn't ask him to fix her TV and refused to shorten his time away or invite his mother because he is stressed.

I've been the sister in this situation. The brother is a twat. A selfish, entitled arsehole.

Bloody hell. People who don't think their parents (and presumably their own siblings too) are immediate family?

How peculiar.

Shame on you, Boney, if you've been there and still think the brother's behaviour is justified.

audit 'The brother is a twat. A selfish, entitled arsehole.' And you've made that verdict off a post by someone who only hears one side of the story, about someone you don't know at all?

So you wouldn't mind if people read your post and inferred you're a twat, and a small-minded judgemental areshole then?

Blue shame on you for your horrible ridiculous judgy opinions when you don't know these people at all.

Bluelady

Shame on you if you are prepared to call people callous and heartless on the back of hearsay on the internet without even considering the that the other person may well be doing all the work and being bad mouthed for it.

Because I've been there and done the work to have others badmouth me to their mates, and you know something 10 years later the same lies and bullshit is thrown in my face because my sibling did what this woman is doing to her brother.

I've been the sister in this situation. The brother is a twat. A selfish, entitled arsehole

But who produced the selfish entitled arsehole. Why can’t the DM ask him to mow the lawn, tell him she is cutting him from her will? She prefers that the DD picks up the slack. Not on.

But who produced the selfish entitled arsehole
*
Oh come on. He's a shit to his mum and it's her fault for making him that way? My NDN never asks her son to do anything, because the answer's always no. Or yes, but it never happens. Or he's visibly annoyed that she had the cheek to ask. Or he doesn't come round for a week so* she doesn't remind him. Eventually you stop asking.

In this case, this grieving and devastated woman won't give a shit if the grass is up to her ears or her house falls down. She won't be asking anyone to do anything because eight weeks after losing her life partner she still needs her family to notice what needs doing. It's her dd who notices what needs doing and (maybe unfairly) judges her DB for it.

On the back of hearsay on the internet

You don't know these people at all

That's basically 99% of MN. Check out Relationships, where people are advised to divorce off the back of internet hearsay without hearing the other person's side of it.

It really is not 'quite a leap', RainySeptember, to depression and/or anxiety, and/or unwarranted anger after the loss of a loved one which is a deflection mechanism kicking in to allow a bereaved person to avoid dealing head-on with their loss, to cope. Anger is used especially at a time of bereavement to assuage guilt (which may or may not be warranted), or to avoid dealing with pain.

Depression during bereavement can cause a warped perception of what is going on, and anxiety can make things seem very important though they may not be very important. It can lead to someone being quite controlling, quite inclined to take over people's lives.

These phenomena are very well documented. If you are not familiar with the many ways family members often turn on each other after a death, and the reasons why they do it, then I don't think you have the insight you claim to have.

I'm in a similar situation. I live 2 hours flight from my DM (plus 1 hour each way from nearest airports), my DB lives 1 hour's drive away from her. My DM has been widowed for 4 years and my DB has refused to have our DM for Christmas, even just for one afternoon.
DM is still well enough to come to ours for Christmas (albeit with somebody having to fly with her on both legs of the journey) so for the time being she's spending every Christmas with us. I call her every day and try and see her every 2-3 months.
I've tried speaking with my DB but have early on decided that I wouldn't risk a family rift over this.
Ultimately, I'm responsible for my actions. I do what I think is right. I tried to nudge my DB, but he will not help to the extent that I think he should. I cannot control him and he needs to live with himself and his (in)actions.
So, 4 years down the line this is where we are:
I asked my DB straight out if he can take on certain responsibilities, such as dealing with the care agency that sorts out carers for DM. Which he does.
When I visit and see that things need to be sorted, I ask him for specific help. Which he does.

You sound like a nice friend, so please continue supporting your friend. Let her complain about her DB. However, also be aware that it doesn't help anybody if there is a totally negative attitude between the siblings.
1-2 weeks in Cornwall for her DM is not going to happen - at least not this year.
Her DM will probably need more help in the years to come, not less. So it's important that the siblings don't fall out over this first hurdle.
All the best for your friend, it's not an easy situation

OP - in principle I agree with you - he seems selfish. There may be extraneous circumstances of course. But equally possibly he can't be bothered to deal with it and wants his stress free family holiday. That would be selfish IMO if their mother is in need of emotional support. However you try to twist it. Poor example to set for his own children too.

Some of the posts on this thread 😕

Oh math I know it is your way but claiming that anyone who disagrees with you must simply not have your insight just sounds so silly.

Assuming the absence of the likes of: For all you know his mum has been awful to him at some point and he couldn't cope with having her to stay. - which from what you've said is extremely unlikely to be the case, since he's been happy to allow his kids to have sleepovers with her in the past - he's being a totally selfish twat. Sadly some people are just that heartless and self absorbed...

You don’t know the family dynamics. I certainly wouldn’t have MIL with us on holiday. PIL are offering massive amount of practical and financial help to my already wealthy SIL and BIL so i’m very clear that when the time comes, SIL and BIL will do all the caring.

The brother should be helping out. Sounds like his mother helped him and his wife out quite a lot.

Disputing that depression, anxiety and deflection can be present and asserting that the description of what is happening in this family should be taken at face value bespeaks someone who knows little of what can happen to people at a time of bereavement, RainySeptember.

It's not merely 'my insight' either.

The ways bereavement can affect people's emotional and psychological state have been well documented and studied.